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[作文] [独立写作]yoga kito的作业帖 [复制链接]

龙泽皮皮
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61楼

发表于 2012-11-30 05:40:02 |只看该作者

mpromanus 发表于 2012-11-30 05:23
A/D One can learn about a person from the type of friends the person has.

Undoubtedly, friends a ...

“...different people have different opinions...”其实我想不到合适的衔接句子,只能用摸板了:$
如果是R老师你，会则么表达呢？希望得到老师的指点

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shanche
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62楼

发表于 2012-11-30 12:05:15 |只看该作者

前面那个老师改的太好了。。。
你还需要我改吗。。我基本没发现错误。。。

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皮哥大脚
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63楼

发表于 2012-12-1 19:20:02 |只看该作者

这是我来到这个论坛以来读到的最好的一篇文章！感动死了

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龙泽皮皮
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发表于 2012-12-1 22:47:38 |只看该作者

皮哥大脚发表于 2012-12-1 19:20
这是我来到这个论坛以来读到的最好的一篇文章！感动死了

谢谢你的鼓励:handshake，滩里高手很多，和他们/她们比，我差的很多，多交流

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lindy620
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发表于 2012-12-3 00:39:15 |只看该作者

已改

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皮哥大脚
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发表于 2012-12-3 11:03:33 |只看该作者

改好了

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shanche
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发表于 2012-12-3 11:54:41 |只看该作者

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mpromanus
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68楼

发表于 2012-12-5 09:09:14 |只看该作者

A/D Young people todays are more likely to help others than young people in the past.

Undoubtedly, most people in the world cannot live without others’ help. When it comes the the argument that young people nowadays are more likely to help others than young people in the past, people tend to have different viewpoints. In my view, I think that is a valid point.

Admittedly, a minority of people may claim that young people todays are less likely to help others than the youth in the past since they have to dedicate more time and energy to works ('work' as in 工作 doesn't have a plural. 'works' does not mean the same thing as 'work'.) due to fierce competition. Moreover, some people tend to have the opinion that young people now are reluctant to help others as they are more independent and egotistical , which make them distinguished (You could just use the verb, 'distinguish them'..next time you want to write 'make + <adjective>', see if you could use a verb instead.) from the youth in the past. Nevertheless, these people seem to oversimplify this issue that fierce competition will raise the youth’s awareness of mutual help and the government has explored every avenue to instill high moral values.(1. you can't really say 'oversimplify the issue that..', because this would mean whatever comes after 'that' is to explain 'the issue', but what you wrote is not quite explaining the issue. Rather you're explaining why it is an oversimplification; 2. I don't see what 'the government instilling high moral values' have to do with the issue. Being independent and egoistic has nothing much to do with 'moral values', let alone 'government instilled' moral values..)

To begin with, the youth todays have more knowledge than young people in the past, which remove the barrier to help others. As we all know, young people now are acquiring better education than the youth in the past, which enable them to provide others with help, while in the past, due to being short of education, the youth could not afford others help, even if they were willing to do so. A good case in point is my cousin, Lee, and his grandfather, Tom. Everyday, Lee will reads the newspaper for his grandfather in order to help him learn about significant events happening around the world. While Tom was young, he could not provide such help for his grandparents since he had no opportunity to get education (This is quite obviously template filling. You are going back and forth on the same point using the same phrases – no education, no help – but you didn't really manage to point out why the lack of education would hinder people from providing help. The whole example is only here for the sake of having an example. It does not have any extra detail that substantiates the reasoning. The gist here is help can come in many forms, but being uneducated only prevents you from reading newspapers/books. An uneducated person can help his grandparents to know about world events by working very hard and buying himself a radio so that he can hear the news everyday and tell about it to his grandparents, yes? Think about it.). Therefore, benefiting from the development of education, young people nowadays can assume the responsibility to help others.

In addition, young people todays are more willing to help others since they are confronted with more complicated problems.It is well acknowledged that with the development of society, people put more emphasis on collaboration as it is unlikely for them to finish back-breaking works independently. Thus, the awareness of cooperation impels people to provide others with help. According to a recent survey conducted by the Economists (If you are planning to cite a well-known and highly-regarded publication such as the Economist, make sure you can spell it, or else it will do more damage to your credibility than citing a random magazine.), an increasing number of young people now are willing to be volunteers to help others. Therefore, the youth todays are more willing to provide help, consciously or unconsciously, due to complex works.(Again, this is giving examples for the sake of giving examples, because your Economist survey only proves that youth today are more willing to help others. It does not at all prove that they are more willing to help other because of the need of collaboration, which is your actual point.)

From what have been discussed above, we can safely draw a conclusion that the youth are more likely to provide help than young people in the past.

总结：

语言上还好，但是论述上基本属于‘我说好就是好好啊好啊就是好’这样的理论。。= = 例子是用来实际化你的观点，而不是重复你观点里的词句，所以像你举的这种完全没有比论点句给出更多的有用细节的例子，第一一看就知道是假的，这倒不要紧，但是第二，等于没有举。。比如，如果你的论点是‘我很聪明’，你现在的写法是：张三说我很聪明，所以我很聪明。这种论述有人名和没人名都没区别的，就是在画圈而已。。有力一点的例子应该是：我从小到现在每次考试都考满分，所以我很聪明。。

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