[作文] 【独立写作】yhggg作业贴 [复制链接]

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发表于 2013-2-25 09:17:25 |只看该作者

改好了~求一定回复啊啊啊

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薛定谔的喵
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77楼

发表于 2013-2-25 11:20:57 |只看该作者

已改，其实也没改什么，写的很好了。向你学习

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mpromanus
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发表于 2013-2-26 11:12:47 |只看该作者

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is often not a good thing for people to move to a new town or a new country because of the loss of old friends.

Recently, a controversial issue that has given rise to much debate is whether moving to a new place is a bad thing because of the loss of old friends. It seems that having few intimate friends will make us feel lonely which gives people an illusion that moving to a new place is a terrible thing. Yet as for myself, I cling to an unshakable belief that moving to a new place actually is a chance for us to know more friends and is a nice idea for us, for the two primary reasons I will outline below.

First and foremost, we will not lose old friends even we move to a new place. With the advent of the technologically advanced society, cell phones, e-mails and facebook etc make the connection between people more convenient and swift. People, in every corner around the world can communicate with others no matter how far away the others were. I can think of no better an illustration than the example of myself. My university is in Beijing; however, my hometown is Xi'an (Giving these names is of little help in illustrating your point, because you can't expect an average American to know how far these two cities are away from each other. The point you should be illustrating is that you and your classmates are far away from each other, not where exactly you or your classmates live. Choose details that would make most sense with regards to your point, e.g. 'my hometown is 2 hours away by flight from where I attend university'.). Although I leave my hometown for studies, I still connect with my high school classmates frequently. We always send e-mails to discuss some topics which we are all interest in. By the same taken, people can connect with their friends using the advanced technologies. The frequently connections definitely can enhance their friendship instead of making them (It's kind of confusing who 'they' refer to here: 'people', 'their friends', or both.) lose friends. So you need not worry about the loss of old friends when you move to a new place. As long as you both have a solid friendship (I thought you just said you will maintain your friendship because of advanced technologies in telecommunication, blah, and now you say it's solid friendship. 这就是那什么，画蛇添足..), you still be best friends.

Also, moving to a new place we can know more new friends. When we move to a new place, no matter for studying or working, we need to cooperate with others. Gradually and eventually, we can find those who share the same interests with us. In our leisure time, we can participant in some activities which we are gravitated towards ('gravitate' is intransitive, so you just 'gravitate towards', rather than 'be gravitated towards'.). It also is a conspicuous (I'm not really sure what you mean by 'a conspicuous way to know people'. 'conspicuous' means something is 'obvious as in that it is easily seen by looking', so abstract things can hardly be 'conspicuous'.) way to know new people. A case in point is that during my first year in university, I took party in piano team (You mean, you took 'part' in the piano 'club'..or just that you 'joined the piano ensemble'. You 'take part' in an activity but 'join' a team/club.). In that team I came to know (If it's just 'knew', it means the act of knowing was a continuous state that could well have been in existence even before you joined the team.) my friend Chen Xinyao, who has wonderful piano skills. Now we always practice piano together, I never feel bored or lonely. I have to say that having an active attitude to making friends, you can find the people you appreciate everywhere (This 'attitude' thing has no direct relevance whatsoever to the point in this paragraph. It only has partial relevance to your point about making new friends, and is again rather 画蛇添足..unless you can make it relevant to your point, which is 'so if people can make new friends when they move to a new place then moving is not necessarily a bad thing'. The overall point you need to eventually establish is the bit after 'then', not just the bit before it.).

Granted, I concede that moving to new place has its undeniable detriments. Knowing new friends needs a long period. Nevertheless (I don't see why this sentence 'nevertheless'-es with the previous one. It's a natural, logical progression from the sentence before it, not a contradiction.) when going to a new place, if we encounter some problems and difficulties, we can find no one to help us. However, its merits, that we still can talk with our old friends conveniently and know more new friends, overshadow the drawback.
Having considered all the arguments above, I reinforce my standpoint that moving to a new place actually is not a worse idea (What are you comparing with?) and we will not lose our old friends. Connecting with your old friends in your rest time, your friendship will be confirmed. Having an active attitude and then participating in more activities, you will know more people and make more new friends. If anyone out here still doubts my view, this essay is my answer.

总结：

总体上没什么大问题但是语法和语用的小毛病不断请注意一下，尤其是单复数这类。。另外就是你喜欢在论点段最后小升华这个在我来说是很烦，因为会造成说‘你不是之前都在论证A吗怎么突然又提B’的效果，但是托福对论证严谨度的要求不高所以我没有硬性说这种做法一定不合适。。虽然我会坚持说你要么不要扯不相干的东西，要扯就好好地说明白这个B又跟你之前说的A有什么关系，否则还不如就重复一遍自己的分论点作为段落总结呢。。

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