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[作文] 求RO老师改作文 [复制链接]

loveticco
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电梯直达

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发表于 2013-1-16 18:13:40 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

好的，我现在才发现，原来要新开一帖。
Ro老师，作文在此。。。

求狠批。。。。

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mpromanus
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沙发

发表于 2013-1-17 07:52:46 |只看该作者

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is more important for students to understand ideas and concepts than it is for them to learn facts. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

In the contemporary society, some people think that it is more beneficial for student to understand ideas and concepts than it is for the to learn facts because they think these ideas are more useful and they can be used in a lot of fields. However, from my point of view, I hold the opinion that learning facts is the priority for several reasons.

How do people get ideas and those concepts? Why do people need to learn ideas and concepts? People get these ideas from facts and people need to put these concepts into practice. All they need is to use these ideas in their live (I'm not really sure what you meant to express by 'all they need' since you didn't specify what the 'need' is for. The word 'need' alone is too generic and broad..'all' you need, say, in life, is obviously far more than just using ideas. Maybe you were trying to say something like 'all they need to do after learning these ideas'.). Those concepts are good summaries of the things people learn from facts. There is no doubt that learning these is important. However, learning ideas and concepts will cause the problem that it is sometimes difficult for people to fully comprehend that (What is this 'that' referring to?) because they have not experienced that (And what is this 'that' referring to?). (The major problem with this argument is that your question is about importance. It's not about learnability. Whether something you are learning is easy to comprehend does not have a direct bearing on its importance. You need to at least say something like 'if something is easy to learn than it is important' before you can jump from learnability right into importance..) As an old going says, 'Practice makes perfect'. I still share the idea that it is more important for students to learn facts than to learn ideas and concepts.

In economics and finance field, it is believed that concepts are never better than practice. All university students who major in economics learn the same thing, but does this mean that they all have the ability to run a business well? (1. That would actually be the realm of 'business', as in, the major called 'business'. You don't, or you shouldn't actually learn how to run a business or anything like that if you major in pure economics. If you did, it means your economics degree had a bit of business to it as people often have the confusion that 经济 == 经商 since both seem to involve money and trade; 2. I don't see how this logic works. Yes, they learn the same thing; yes, they do not all have the ability to run a business; but that doesn't make the concepts they learn worse than practice, because their performances in actually running a business is determined, as you said, by their abilities, not by their learning..unless you mean this ability is, and is only, cultivated through their learning, which seems to be a popular but extremely absurd if not stupid assumption of university education, particularly in China..) People who can do well in finance are usually experienced. They may have some problems at the moment they first come into practice. Soon they learn a lot from their small successes and failures, from which they build up their own sense of finance and finally they may be succeed in their fields. For example, one friend of my father's graduated from a university famous for its finance major. He used to be quite sure that he can succeed in his own business because he did well in all of his finance subjects in university. (To be very blunt: if he thinks he can run a business purely because he studied finance well, then I'd say it's his fault, not his learning's fault, that he failed, because 'finance' is only a very small and specific part of running a business. I know I'm saying very cruel things but people in China seem to have this generally sweeping impression that business == economics == finance, or journalism == communication == media, or literature == language == linguistics, while all these are actually VERY distinct fields..) However, contrary to this , he failed in several projects he was doing at that time. Only after that , he turned to my father who has already been running his own enterprise for several years. My father told him that he should not always believe the concepts when putting them into practice but he can learn much more from his own experiences.(1. this actually sounds like what your father's friend had learnt are still 'ideas and concepts' that he can apply to make his business more successful, rather than 'facts', only that he learnt these ideas from experiences, which are facts, instead of from classroom teaching; 2. this paragraph doesn't show how exactly your reasoning relates to the question, i.e. which part of your example/reasoning demonstrates the 'facts' bit and which part demonstrates the 'concepts/ideas' bit and which part demonstrates 'importance'. You also seem to actually tweaked the question into a comparison between 'ideas and concepts' and 'practice', rather than 'ideas and concepts' versus 'facts', so the resulting argument is very vague. Argumentative writing is not just a collection of facts and opinions. Both sentences and the things/ideas you talk about in the sentences need to relate to one another, and they all have to relate very clearly back to the question you're given.)

In addition, people can only build up some good characters when they do something (What 'thing' is 'something'? Waging war or injecting yourself with cocaine are both things you can do but don't necessarily build up good characters..). It is evident that we can never learn to be confident from books. However, in contrast to this , we can gradually build up our confidence after practicing a lot. For example,. I used to be very shy and I was afraid of speaking in front of a lot of people. I was not not confident at that time. First, my teacher told to read some books about how some famous speech makers do their speeches. However, it did not make any differences. Later ,,my mother told to practice more and more and she forced me to give speeches a lot. Eventually, I am confident and I am not afraid of giving speeches even in front of thousands of people. Instead , I can give very impressive speeches now.(Again, you seem to equate 'practice' with 'facts'. They are NOT the same. Also, in this particularly example you seem to equate 'learning ideas/concepts' with 'reading books', which are also not the same.)

In conclusion, we can never learn some things from ideas and concepts. It is more beneficial to learn things directly from facts (There. Your question was about learning 'ideas/concepts' or 'facts' themselves, NOT learning from them. In other words, if you say learning facts is better, you're expected to argue that it's more important for students to learn things like the beginning and ending years of each dynasty in Chinese history, than to understand, say, the principles of using secondary resources in historical analysis. So you've essentially argued an entirely different question..) which can always give us the right directions. After that we can finally build up our own cognition of things.

总结：

于是你的表意模糊句子飘忽（基本全篇都是上一句和下一句看不太清楚是怎么联系到一起的或者甚至到底有没有联系的。。）还有直接把facts替换成practice（好吧也许不重理论要重实践不要高分低能不要死读书神马神马的在国内教育界是流行语但是我只能说‘事实’和‘实事’也许你觉得是一回事但是这两个词在中文里也是不一样的。。），这些都不说了，你把最后一段in conclusion那句话和问题去比一下就知道你写的是to learn FROM ideas/concepts对比to learn FROM facts，而不是问题问的to understand ideas/concepts对比to learn facts。。怎么强调审题都不为过啊。。

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loveticco
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板凳

发表于 2013-1-17 22:16:54 |只看该作者

mpromanus 发表于 2013-1-17 07:52
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is more important for students to understa ...

谢谢Ro老师（是不是可以叫RO姐姐啊哈哈！！）
感觉被你这么一批，我的作文好烂啊，自己的作文感觉一直一来逻辑不够严密，在你帖子里看到了有关的几个网站，可是没有好好去看，等会我把他打印下来，好好揣摩一下。还有逻辑方面（尤其是作文）有没有什么入门的书，特别想提高可是找不到途径><
额，关于Economicｓ　Finance Business 等等的我真心不知道—高中生表示很无奈，有没有什么办法可以了解一下的
在此谢谢Ro老师，我要好好学习审题，下次改进了再来找你改！

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mpromanus
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地板

发表于 2013-1-18 05:46:57 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 mpromanus 于 2013-1-17 21:59 编辑

loveticco 发表于 2013-1-17 14:16
谢谢Ro老师（是不是可以叫RO姐姐啊哈哈！！）
感觉被你这么一批，我的作文好烂啊，自己的作文感觉一直一 ...

= = 我的手果然很重容易吓到人么。那什么其实你不必太担心，你基本功不错的说。。只是我改文特别挑剔罢了。。

如果是针对托福作文的，其实托福作文对逻辑的要求完全不高，你能把话说明白就行了，多看好的范文就好了。。

各个学科内容的定义其实你可以直接查英英字典，英中字典会直接给你个翻译的词，等于没有用，因为你如果不知道economics, business和finance有啥区别的话你多半其实用中文也不完全解释得清楚经济、商务和金融有啥区别。。

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