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[作文] 【独立写作】yhggg作业贴 [复制链接]

芥菜粽
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46楼

发表于 2013-2-10 13:13:18 |只看该作者

yhggg 发表于 2013-2-10 12:23
木事~~

啊哈新年快乐~

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classgrass
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47楼

发表于 2013-2-10 14:50:06 |只看该作者

已改完～

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bookchen
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48楼

发表于 2013-2-12 02:43:26 |只看该作者

楼主2.11作文呢？

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yhggg
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49楼

发表于 2013-2-12 11:44:43 |只看该作者

bookchen 发表于 2013-2-12 02:43
楼主2.11作文呢？

抱歉抱歉今天才写，两天木有写作文，再遇到这个题，实在写不出来啊~怎么感觉我退步好大涅。。。！！

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bookchen
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50楼

发表于 2013-2-12 20:47:20 |只看该作者

yhggg 发表于 2013-2-12 11:44
抱歉抱歉今天才写，两天木有写作文，再遇到这个题，实在写不出来啊~怎么感觉我退步好大涅。。。！！

呵呵，在改了，我也好多天没写的。勤练！

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bookchen
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51楼

发表于 2013-2-13 01:47:15 |只看该作者

bookchen 发表于 2013-2-12 20:47
呵呵，在改了，我也好多天没写的。勤练！

谢谢LZ，我总是写很久，中间废话多，导致结尾基本没什么可说，结尾都很短，例子都是想很久，现在写都还是要1个小时，所以可能时间久了就可以把例子都想好了。不过考试可不行。。

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daigualu
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52楼

发表于 2013-2-13 21:18:20 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 daigualu 于 2013-2-13 21:35 编辑

我给你改的有什么问题我们再讨论

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mpromanus
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53楼

发表于 2013-2-14 09:31:42 |只看该作者

Which it more important: having more facilities or hiring more teachers? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. Do you agree or disagree? (I don't see what this bit is doing here. This is not an 'agree or disagree' type question at all.)

In this day and age, education plays an increasingly important role in our society. So recently, a controversial issue that has given rise to much debate is whether having more facilities is more significant than hiring more teachers. It seems that more facilities can ensure that students have a safety and high-quality school life which gives people an illusion that buying more facilities is of great importance. Yet as for myself, I cling to an unshakable belief that hiring more teachers is (You have been making the same singular/plural error like this for the 3rd time now, and you're still only in the introduction. Remember that the subject of this sentence is 'hiring (more teachers)', not 'teachers'. This is the kind of grammatical errors I refer to when I said you tend to forget the overall sentence structure as you go along with a long sentence.) always more essential than buying more facilities, for the two primary reasons I will outline below.

First and foremost, hiring more teachers means (In informal settings you can say just 'more teachers mean', and it happens quite often, yes, but it is loose grammar.) each student in school can gain more attention. It is undeniable that students like and enjoy the feeling that concentrated by teachers (I know what you are trying to say but your expression is very awkward, because 1. 'concentrate' doesn't usually pair with 'feelings'; 2. 'concentrated' in the passive doesn't usually specify the acting agent with a 'by' phrase i.e. you say 'the doctors' effort is concentrated upon the patient', not 'concentrated by the doctors upon the patient'. With all that said, you could actually just say 'teachers' attention'.), which will encourage and inspire them to perform better in school. By the same token, more attention in each individual can help teachers to find the advantages and shortcomings (These are said of things, choices, plans, but not of people's characters, which are 'strengths and weaknesses' instead.) of students. In this way, can students attain a better promotion (Students don't usually enjoy 'promotion'. This word is almost exclusively used with jobs, especially in a corporate setting.)? Visualize that a teacher had to govern a class which contains more than 50 students: how can the teacher ensure that each student learn the knowledge well and do the homework correctly? Nevertheless, facilities can offer students a fundamental learning environment (I don't get what this means here. Or why you used the word 'nevertheless' at the beginning, because the overall meaning expression here doesn't seem to be one that is 'nevertheless'.), the teachers' attention and adequate help to each students always is imperative and crucial. A case in point is that a school in an rural area: it just has a black board and desks. But because there are generally few students in one class, teachers teach the students one by one.(This only illustrates your point about class size being small. It doesn't support your paragraph's main point, which is 'having more teachers will allow each student to have more attention'. This is a typical case of logical drifting.) The majority of those students can have greater grades ('greater' as compared to what or who?).

Also, hiring more teachers means a colorful campus culture. Every teacher has his own teaching styles, personalities and characteristics. The combination of those various styles can make students to avoid the dull and single classes taught by one teacher. By virtue of learning from different teachers, students can find their favorite learning methods so that they can learn effectively and efficiently. It is widely acknowledged that different cultures and styles can give people inspirations not only in studies but also in daily life. Students may write essays and poems, paint pictures and contrive new inventions.

Granted, I concede that having more facilities has certain merits for students which deserve some words here. Advanced facilities in some classes can make students understand the knowledge easily, for example in chemistry classes, physics classes and biology classes. Also more facilities can make some classes more active, such as a piano in the music classes, colorful clothing in dance classes and recreational equipments in P.E classes. However, compared with the spiritual enjoyment it pales (This bit must be plural, since you were talking about the 'meritS' of having more facilities. Again, this is the kind of errors you'll make because you don't have an idea of what the overall argument structure of your paragraph/sentences clusters is. In other words, you do not have a firm knowledge of what you have written, what you're writing at the moment and what you plan to write next. Your thought is only concentrated on what you're writing at the very moment, a bit of 想到哪写到哪.).

Having considered all the arguments above, I reinforce my standpoint that hiring more teachers is more significant that having more facilities. Only via hiring more teachers can offer students a chance to realize themselves and promote themselves (These are phrases that are 1. obviously affected by Chinese expressions and 2. do not make much sense in English.) with teachers’ help. A quality school derives from the adequate teaching resources. If anyone out here still doubts my view, this essay is my answer.

总结：

退步倒不至于，只是trying too hard罢了，笑。语法请特别注意单复数，特别是复杂主语的单复。。比如hiring more teachers是单数，不因为有teachers就复数了。。其实要我说的话你各种绕分句的太累赘了，如果你不确定自己能玩得对那些比较复杂的句式，就不要老是勉强自己写复杂的长句 - 分个句，重新起头，写自己能确定对的，否则就会像我文章内评语说的，因为你对自己所写的东西没有完全的信心，你会没有精力去想着自己之前写了什么，之后要写什么，只能写到哪想到哪，导致长句中经常出现前后不一致的语法错误，最明显的当然就是那个单复数。。语用上各种词不达意，很多看得出中文的影响。。论述上最主要的问题是典型的drifting漂移，从上一句走到下一句一条直线出去不回来的，比如你的第一个论点段：老师多了每个学生就能得到更多注意 -> 老师注意学生多对学生好 -> 一个班里人太多老师没法给每个学生足够的注意 -> 乡村学校虽然设施不好但是因为班级人少每个学生都有足够的注意所以成绩好。。这里每相邻的两句之间都是有关联的，但是第一句和最后一句差很大，所以你最终意图证明的论点到底是什么，看不出来。。论述应该是个圈，每一段的论点句所说的，展开论述之后，还必须回到最初的论点句上去，读者才能看清楚哦你这一段最终要说明的是这样一个观点。

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