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[a习作temp] argument68 终于发一篇狗狗，怎么看起来这么干巴巴捏？ [复制链接]

victoriazhizhi
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2005-3-20 12:33:27 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

The following appeared in a memo from a budget planner for the City of Grandview.
'To avoid a budget deficit next year, the City of Grandview must eliminate its funding for the Grandview Symphony. Our citizens are well aware of the fact that while the Grandview Symphony Orchestra was struggling to succeed, our city government promised annual funding to help support its programs. Last year, however, private contributions to the Symphony increased by 200 percent, and attendance at the Symphony's concerts-in-the-park series doubled. The Symphony has also announced an increase in ticket prices for next year. Such developments indicate that the Symphony can now succeed without funding from city government and we can eliminate that expense from next year's budget. This action will surely prevent a budget deficit.'

The author concludes that without funding from the government, the Symphony can succeed and the government can also prevent a budget deficit, by providing the evidence of the increase of the attendance and the private contribution to the Symphony. However, the evidence is too weak to make the conclusion valid.

First of all, the 200 percent increased private contributions do not necessarily mean that the Symphony can survive without government funding, for no evidence has been offered to establish the relationship between the two events. It is possible that other factors trigger more serious expenditure of the Symphony, such as renewing the instruments, purchasing expensive copyright of the composers and paying for the rent of stage and so on. If so, the increased private investment might not be enough for the Symphony to development.

Secondly, another phenomenon that the attendance at the Symphony's concerts-in the -park is doubled can hardly indicate that the Symphony can make a big profit. Without mentioning the original number of the attendance of the concert, one can not demonstrate that the increasing income of tickets can bring about a large profit to the Symphony, for it is possible that the attendance is still to rare to make money to the Symphony. At the same time, since traditionally Symphony performance should be on in the theater, the increasing attendance at the concerts-in-park does not illustrate that the normal performance can also attract many people, for the reason that the rent of opera house is expensive and distributed to everyone's ticket price, whose increase will possibly cause the decrease of attendance and thus bring loss to the Symphony.

Furthermore, even if these facts make a sense, the reasoning that government can prevent a budget deficit is also weakened by some flaws. There are numerous factors causing the budget deficit of a government, such as overmuch investment to some dispensable projects, contributions to develop industry after some terrible disasters, affection from the national finance and stock market and so forth. Compared with other factors, funding to the Symphony seems to take a slight part of the investment from government.

All in all, the assertion that government can avoid budget deficit by stopping the funding to the Symphony cannot be logically valid. Unless the author has addressed all the above-discussed issues, hardly can the conclusion be logically supported.

前几天写了第一篇阿狗，觉得不像个作文，就没发，今天又写一个，还是扔坛子给大家砍吧，啊啊啊，不会写丫，不会写。Ftj竟然才389个字。。。。。。。。。。。。。。啊干巴巴

痛快去爱痛快去痛
痛快去悲伤痛快去感动
生命给了什么我就享受什么
每颗人间烟火全都美丽了我

笑与哭都值得用力气
吻和泪都是该裱框纪念的痕迹
很乐意每段路都有陌生人同行
爱或伤害都欢呼都是活过的证据

每一天都是一个节庆

offer快来吧!

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鬼谷子
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沙发

发表于 2005-3-20 14:30:44 |只看该作者

The following appeared in a memo from a budget planner for the City of Grandview.
'To avoid a budget deficit next year, the City of Grandview must eliminate its funding for the Grandview Symphony. Our citizens are well aware of the fact that while the Grandview Symphony Orchestra was struggling to succeed, our city government promised annual funding to help support its programs. Last year, however, private contributions to the Symphony increased by 200 percent, and attendance at the Symphony's concerts-in-the-park series doubled. The Symphony has also announced an increase in ticket prices for next year. Such developments indicate that the Symphony can now succeed without funding from city government and we can eliminate that expense from next year's budget. This action will surely prevent a budget deficit.'

The author concludes that without funding from the government, the Symphony can succeed and the government can also prevent a budget deficit, by providing the evidence of the increase of the attendance and the private contribution to the Symphony. However, the evidence is too weak to make the conclusion valid. 【restate，没有观点，建议看看猫猫的开头】

First of all, the 200 percent increased private contributions do not necessarily mean that the Symphony can survive without government funding, for no evidence has been offered to establish the relationship between the two events. It is possible that other factors trigger more serious expenditure of the Symphony, such as renewing the instruments, purchasing expensive copyright of the composers and paying for the rent of stage and so on. If so, the increased private investment might not be enough for the Symphony to development【develop】.
【还有就是原来的数值是多少，如果原来的资助就不多的话，很可能200%的增加仍然不够用】

Secondly, another phenomenon 【fact/evidence】that the attendance at the Symphony's concerts-in the -park is doubled can hardly indicate that the Symphony can make a big profit. Without mentioning the original number of the attendance of the concert, one【the author】 can not demonstrate that the increasing income of tickets can bring about a large profit to the Symphony, for it is possible that the attendance is still to rare to make money to the Symphony. At the same time, since traditionally Symphony performance should be on 【performed】in the theater, the increasing attendance at the concerts-in-park does not illustrate that the normal performance can also attract many people, for the reason that the rent of opera house is expensive and distributed to everyone's ticket price, whose increase will possibly cause the decrease of attendance and thus bring loss to the Symphony. 【还有，profit是多方面的】

Furthermore, even if these facts make a【去掉】 sense, the reasoning that government can prevent a budget deficit is also weakened by some flaws. There are numerous factors causing the budget deficit of a government, such as overmuch investment to some dispensable projects, contributions to develop industry after some terrible disasters, 【这个太特例了】affection from the national finance and stock market and so forth. Compared with other factors, funding to the Symphony seems to take a slight part of the investment from government. 【这个不算是结论，结论应该是除非作者能够排除其他可能性，否则这样的结论是错误的没有说服力的。而且，你说的slight part不妥，你怎么证明？只能说不是唯一的part】
【还有，是否政府是因为其他的原因来支持乐团的呢？那么很可能即使带来了赤字也不该取消资助。还可能，赤字非常大，取消资助无济于事。】

All in all, the assertion that government can avoid budget deficit by stopping the funding to the Symphony cannot be logically valid. Unless the author has addressed all the above-discussed issues, hardly can the conclusion be logically supported.

【开头太模板，而且反驳不够有力，多考虑几个问题，力度就能更强了。基本问题还算都找出来了。第一篇的话还算可以了。加油】

鬼Ghost
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victoriazhizhi
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板凳

发表于 2005-3-20 14:38:02 |只看该作者

收到！

去看了下猫的开头，嗯嗯嗯有收获
改改改

还有个问题，总觉得单个单个的谬误，不好联系起来，上篇没发的就是因为看起来像一段一段话，不是一个作文

晕。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

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鬼谷子
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地板

发表于 2005-3-20 14:42:37 |只看该作者

用让步啊，笨

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victoriazhizhi
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5楼

发表于 2005-3-20 14:44:52 |只看该作者

。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

你把我想的过于白痴了，，，，，，，，，，，，，

这不用着呢嘛，even if不是丫。。。。

可是即便是这样，还是总觉得前后联系不好，像是单个蹦出来的。
可能是不熟练

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鬼谷子
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6楼

发表于 2005-3-20 14:50:32 |只看该作者

first of all 和secondly之间就没连接

后面的even if these facts 说的太含糊了，什么facts？

还有就是逻辑上论述上面的问题，可以更流畅自然一点，一步一步就顺理成章了

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xin320
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7楼

发表于 2005-3-20 17:40:14 |只看该作者

The author concludes that without funding from the government, the Symphony can succeed and the government can also prevent a budget deficit, by providing the evidence of the increase of the attendance and the private contribution to the Symphony. However, the evidence is too weak to make the conclusion valid.第一句感觉太长了，语意虽然好像对，但是感觉看着不舒服，分开说可能更清晰有力。

First of all, the 200 percent increased private contributions do not necessarily mean that the Symphony can survive without government funding, for no evidence has been offered to establish the relationship between the two events. It is possible that other factors trigger more serious expenditure of the Symphony, such as renewing the instruments, purchasing expensive copyright of the composers and paying for the rent of stage and so on. If so, the increased private investment might not be enough for the Symphony to development.驳斥的准备

Secondly, another phenomenon that the attendance at the Symphony's concerts-in the -park is doubled can hardly indicate that the Symphony can make a big profit. Without mentioning the original number of the attendance of the concert, 应该强调一个上座率的概念，不只是单纯的人数增加one can not demonstrate that the increasing income of tickets can bring about a large profit to the Symphony, for it is possible that the attendance is still too rare to make money tofor? the Symphony. At the same time, since traditionally Symphony performance should be on in the theater,偏 the increasing attendance at the concerts-in-park does not illustrate that the normal performance can also attract many people, for the reason that the rent of opera house is expensive and distributed to everyone's ticket price, whose increase will possibly cause the decrease of attendance and thus bring loss to the Symphony.解释的偏了点，引申太多了文中提到ticket price increase 可以反驳一下，考虑inflation,cost/revenue的因素，关于出席人数可以和捐赠写成一段比较连贯，毕竟是出自一句话的

Furthermore, even if these facts make a sense, the reasoning that government can prevent a budget deficit is also weakened by some flaws. There are numerous factors causing the budgetof deficit a government, such as overmuch investment to some dispensable projects, contributions to develop industry after some terrible disasters, affection from the national finance and stock market and so forth. Compared with other factors, funding to the Symphony seems to take a slight part of the investment from government. 驳斥的好

All in all, the assertion that government can avoid budget deficit by stopping the funding to the Symphony cannot be logically valid. Unless the author has addressed all the above-discussed issues, hardly can the conclusion be logically supported.结尾好
总体来说，驳斥点找的比较全面，只是在反驳时有些解释牵强了。还有就是一些长句用的让人看了不舒服。字数我觉得可以了阿，argu350拿6分也达标了。主要还是看你的观点——驳斥点。全文缺乏一点连贯性。个人能力有限，不妥之处多谅解

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victoriazhizhi
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8楼

发表于 2005-3-20 18:50:29 |只看该作者

谢谢楼上

建议收了

开头我不知道怎么写，就脑子里有个东方以前讲过的思路套上去了，貌似比较破：（

找谬误不是很难，但是驳斥的时候总是思维有些局限，考虑他因不够全面，所以写出来虽然看在驳斥，但是火力不够。

我再多练习。

谢谢

楼上有什么要拍的？我好去报仇

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sailing_yf
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9楼

发表于 2005-3-20 20:19:01 |只看该作者

The following appeared in a memo from a budget planner for the City of Grandview.
'To avoid a budget deficit next year, the City of Grandview must eliminate its funding for the Grandview Symphony. Our citizens are well aware of the fact that while the Grandview Symphony Orchestra was struggling to succeed, our city government promised annual funding to help support its programs. Last year, however, private contributions to the Symphony increased by 200 percent, and attendance at the Symphony's concerts-in-the-park series doubled. The Symphony has also announced an increase in ticket prices for next year. Such developments indicate that the Symphony can now succeed without funding from city government and we can eliminate that expense from next year's budget. This action will surely prevent a budget deficit.'

The author concludes that without funding from the government, the Symphony can succeed and the government can also prevent a budget deficit, by providing the evidence of the increase of the attendance and the private contribution to the Symphony. However, the evidence is too weak to make the conclusion valid.没套路

First of all, the 200 percent increased private contributions do not necessarily mean that the Symphony can survive without government funding, for no evidence has been offered to establish the relationship between the two events.说的太隐讳，直接说明个人捐款不能满足需要 It is possible that other factors trigger more serious expenditure of the Symphony, such as renewing the instruments, purchasing expensive copyright of the composers and paying for the rent of stage and so on. If so, the increased private investment might not be enough for the Symphony to development.

Secondly, another phenomenon that the attendance at the Symphony's concerts-in the -park is doubled can hardly indicate that the Symphony can make a big profit. Without mentioning the original number of the attendance of the concert, one can not demonstrate that the increasing income of tickets can bring about a large profit to the Symphony, for it is possible that the attendance is still to rare to make money to the Symphony. At the same time, since traditionally Symphony performance should be on in the theater, the increasing attendance at the concerts-in-park does not illustrate that the normal performance can also attract many people, for the reason that the rent of opera house is expensive and distributed to everyone's ticket price, whose increase will possibly cause the decrease of attendance and thus bring loss to the Symphony.原文只说票价增加，没说利润，这一点很重要

Furthermore, even if these facts make a sense, the reasoning that government can prevent a budget deficit is also weakened by some flaws. There are numerous factors causing the budget deficit of a government, such as overmuch investment to some dispensable projects, contributions to develop industry after some terrible disasters, affection from the national finance and stock market and so forth. Compared with other factors, funding to the Symphony seems to take a slight part of the investment from government.做个比较，说明一下资助费用不至于让政府破产,这个论点很关键，应该驳斥

All in all, the assertion that government can avoid budget deficit by stopping the funding to the Symphony cannot be logically valid. Unless the author has addressed all the above-discussed issues, hardly can the conclusion be logically supported.
在增加几个套路，才好

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victoriazhizhi
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10楼

发表于 2005-3-20 20:21:38 |只看该作者

3ks楼上的呵呵

刚开始看阿狗虾米也不会
多谢你们各位指导
偶再慢慢练练

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龙非
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11楼

发表于 2005-3-21 08:05:52 |只看该作者

The author concludes that without funding from the government, the Symphony can succeed and the government can also prevent a budget deficit, by providing the evidence of the increase of the attendance and the private contribution to the Symphony. However, the evidence is too weak to make the conclusion valid. 这种开头中规中矩，不过最好点出weak的原因，比如是没有考虑其它因素等

First of all, the 200 percent increased private contributions do not necessarily mean that the Symphony can survive without government funding, for no evidence has been offered to establish the relationship between the two events. It is possible that other factors trigger more serious expenditure of the Symphony, such as renewing the instruments, purchasing expensive copyright of the composers and paying for the rent of stage and so on. If so, the increased private investment might not be enough for the Symphony to development.

Secondly, another phenomenon that the attendance at the Symphony's concerts-in the -park is doubled can hardly indicate that the Symphony can make a big profit. Without mentioning the original number of the attendance of the concert, one can not demonstrate that the increasing income of tickets can bring about a large profit to the Symphony, for it is possible that the attendance is still to rare to make money to the Symphony. At the same time, since traditionally Symphony performance should be on in the theater, the increasing attendance at the concerts-in-park does not illustrate that the normal performance can also attract many people, for the reason that the rent of opera house is expensive and distributed to everyone's ticket price, whose increase will possibly cause the decrease of attendance and thus bring loss to the Symphony. 1)题目没说can make a big profit；2)即使是讲利润，后半段也没有扣紧利润来讲

Furthermore, even if these facts make a sense, the reasoning that government can prevent a budget deficit is also weakened by some flaws. There are numerous factors causing the budget deficit of a government, such as overmuch investment to some dispensable projects, contributions to develop industry after some terrible disasters, affection from the national finance and stock market and so forth. Compared with other factors, funding to the Symphony seems to take a slight part of the investment from government.

All in all, the assertion that government can avoid budget deficit by stopping the funding to the Symphony cannot be logically valid. Unless the author has addressed all the above-discussed issues, hardly can the conclusion be logically supported.

总的来说问题并不大，但是每一段的TS最好能再明确，而不是泛泛地“不代表什么”，“证据还很weak”等等

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victoriazhizhi
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12楼

发表于 2005-3-21 09:42:40 |只看该作者

:D
龙非哥哥闭关修炼的何如了？
收下你的建议，开头因为刚开始写，确实不会写，脑袋中一个东方的格式，就写上去了、
这把听了大家的意见，有主意乐，呵呵
关于B2后面我说了at the same time 想要换回人数增多不代表场内音乐会也火爆，后面忘了再扣会到利润的问题上，我觉得利润可以说吧，这样才说明挣钱不挣钱

龙非GG加油耶！考完了继续打我挖咔咔