寄托家园留学论坛 › 论坛 › 寄托学术类备考版 › GRE作文互动版 › 作文版回收站 › Argument6 chu期待专头

返回列表

查看: 1402|回复: 7

[a习作temp] Argument6 chu期待专头 [复制链接]

ferman
UID：162184

初级会员

Rank: 3 Rank: 3

声望: 0
寄托币: 153
注册时间: 2004-4-20
精华: 0
帖子: 52

电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2005-3-20 15:45:31 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

题目：The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.

"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money."

我的文章：
Before giving a loan to this group of developers in the city of Monroe, the evidence given in the argument should be examined from several other angles: Whether the jazz is popular in Monroe only considering the evidences provided? Whether a jazz club would be popular and profitable without examining other factors?

Firstly, just because the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away do not warrant the fact that the C Note would have the local market all to itself. There may be a club in near city which has great influence on the jazz fans in Monroe. Furthermore, it is entirely possible that some businessmen program to establish a large club in Monroe or near city, which would compete for market in Monroe with C Note.

Furthermore, it is an arbitrary conclusion that jazz is popular in Monroe. The several evidences provided are unconvincing. Firstly, the fact that over 100, 000 people attended Monroe’s jazz festival last summer dose not ensure the popularity in Monroe, since it is entirely possible that the majority of people attending festival are living in out-of-town. What is more, the fact that several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe lends no strong support the applicant’s assertion. Perhaps these jazz musicians are playing in other cities and living in Monroe for the enjoyable climate, not because of the love in jazz of people in Monroe.

The argument appears to assume that the typical jazz fan in Monroe would spend close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment just because this is an average nationwide. Yet this might not be the case, for a variety of possible reasons. Perhaps the residents in Monroe are poor and receiving the governments’ assistance, and thus could not afford to attend the jazz club. Perhaps
people in this area are prudent and do not want to waste money in the jazz entertainment. Without ruling out such possibilities, the author can not justifiably conclude that the C Note can not help but make money.

Even we conceded the fact that the jazz is popular in Monroe and jazz fan in Monroe spends a lot of money in jazz entertainment, this does not necessarily mean that it is a wise venture to found an jazz club. For example, do the fans spend the majority of the money in club but not in other activities? Will the local ratio program compete with the jazz club?

In conclusion, the argument is not convincing as it stands. To make it logically acceptable, the applicant should show that the jazz is really popular in Monroe and an jazz club would be welcome. Additionally, the applicant should prove his/her credibility. Only with more convincing evidence could the fund could be loaned to the applicant.

回应
0

使用道具举报

iver
UID：198348

高级会员

Rank: 5 Rank: 5

声望: 0
寄托币: 2980
注册时间: 2005-3-2
精华: 2
帖子: 1

沙发

发表于 2005-3-20 17:01:27 |只看该作者

a moment please,
After finishing it, do comment on you
Best regards.

天道酬勤
shengboguo@yahoo.com

使用道具举报

ferman
UID：162184

初级会员

Rank: 3 Rank: 3

声望: 0
寄托币: 153
注册时间: 2004-4-20
精华: 0
帖子: 52

板凳

发表于 2005-3-20 17:05:17 |只看该作者

谢了，改完请留下你的文章链接，我给你改。

使用道具举报

xin320
UID：165608

初级会员

Rank: 3 Rank: 3

声望: 0
寄托币: 449
注册时间: 2004-5-29
精华: 0
帖子: 0

地板

发表于 2005-3-20 17:53:34 |只看该作者

Before giving a loan to this group of developers in the city of Monroe, the evidence given in the argument should be examined from several other angles: Whether the jazz is popular in Monroe only considering the evidences provided? Whether a jazz club would be popular and profitable without examining other factors?开头方式太新了，是否符合美国人习惯呢？最好Q能给出回答吧？

Firstly, just because the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away do not warrant the fact that the C Note would have the local market all to itself. There may be a club in near city which has great influence on the jazz fans in Monroe. Furthermore, it is entirely possible that some businessmen program to establish a large club in Monroe or near city, which would compete for market in Monroe with C Note.

Furthermore, it is an arbitrary conclusion that jazz is popular in Monroe. The several evidences provided are unconvincing. Firstly, the fact that over 100, 000 people attended Monroe’s jazz festival last summer dose not ensure the popularity in Monroe, since it is entirely possible that the majority of people attending festival are living in out-of-town. What is more, the fact that several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe lends no strong support the applicant’s assertion. Perhaps these jazz musicians are playing in other cities and living in Monroe for the enjoyable climate, not because of the love in jazz of people in Monroe.

The argument appears to assume that the typical jazz fan in Monroe would spend close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment just because this is an average nationwide. Yet this might not be the case, for a variety of possible reasons. Perhaps the residents in Monroe are poor and receiving the governments’ assistance, and thus could not afford to attend the jazz club. Perhaps
people in this area are prudent and do not want to waste money in the jazz entertainment. Without ruling out such possibilities, the author can not justifiably conclude that the C Note can not help but make money.

Even we conceded the fact that the jazz is popular in Monroe and jazz fan in Monroe spends a lot of money in jazz entertainment, this does not necessarily mean that it is a wise venture to found an jazz club. For example, do the fans spend the majority of the money in club but not in other activities? Will the local ratio program compete with the jazz club?只提问题不回答在argu中是不行的，你得得出自己的结论阿。there is no evidence..., the arguer fails to supply...about...。

In conclusion, the argument is not convincing as it stands. To make it logically acceptable, the applicant should show that the jazz is really popular in Monroe and an jazz club would be welcome. Additionally, the applicant should prove his/her credibility. Only with more convincing evidence could the fund could be loaned to the applicant.
反问用的太多了，有些写法过于大胆。在argu中不只是提出疑问，还要说出你自己的看法才行啊。另外驳斥点不少，但是缺乏连贯性。还有一些重要的驳斥点没有提到。例如loan看的不只是能否赚钱，还要看credit。这点很关键。还有radio的例子也没有反驳。我是个新手，建议中不妥之处多包涵

使用道具举报

iver
UID：198348

高级会员

Rank: 5 Rank: 5

声望: 0
寄托币: 2980
注册时间: 2005-3-2
精华: 2
帖子: 1

5楼

发表于 2005-3-20 18:04:29 |只看该作者

我的文章：
Before giving a loan to this group of developers in the city of Monroe, the evidence given in the argument should be examined from several other angles: Whether the jazz is popular in Monroe only considering the evidences provided? Whether a jazz club would be popular and profitable [jazz不能是是否profitable吧？！] without examining other factors? [开头比较独特，但是，最好后面再写几各问句，作为论证部分的攻击点，从而更加具有条理性]

Firstly, just because the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away do not warrant the fact that the C Note would have the local market all to itself. There may be a club in near city which has great influence on the jazz fans in Monroe. Furthermore, it is entirely possible that some businessmen program to establish a large club in Monroe or near city, which would compete for market in Monroe with C Note.[论证不是很充分，可以补充的攻击点有：Jazz funs in M may have been accustomed to the present club for its excellent service and low expenditure, therefore, they are reluctant to attend a new one ]

Furthermore, it is an arbitrary conclusion that jazz is popular in Monroe. The several evidences provided are unconvincing. Firstly, the fact that over 100, 000 people attended Monroe’s jazz festival last summer dose not ensure the popularity in Monroe, since it is entirely possible that the majority of people attending festival are living in out-of-town. What is more, the fact that several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe lends no strong support [support is a noun here, you should add “to” here] the applicant’s assertion. Perhaps these jazz musicians are playing in other cities and living in Monroe for the enjoyable climate, not because of the love in jazz of people in Monroe.[我也不知道几个musicians住在这里如何攻击]

The argument appears to assume that the typical jazz fan in Monroe would spend close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment just because this is an average nationwide. Yet this might not be the case, for a variety of possible reasons. Perhaps the residents in Monroe are poor and receiving [receive] the governments’ assistance, and thus could not afford to attend the jazz club. Perhaps
people in this area are prudent and do not want to waste money in the jazz entertainment. Without ruling out such possibilities, the author can not justifiably conclude that the C Note can not help but make money. [这段写的不错]

Even we conceded the fact that the jazz is popular in Monroe and jazz fan in Monroe spends a lot of money in jazz entertainment, this does not necessarily mean that it is a wise venture to found an jazz club. For example, do the fans spend the majority of the money in club but not in other activities[Whether do the fans spend the majority of the money in club or in other activities?]? Will the local ratio program compete with the jazz club?

In conclusion, the argument is not convincing as it stands. To make it logically acceptable, the applicant should show that the jazz is really popular in Monroe and an [a] jazz club would be welcome. Additionally, the applicant should prove his/her credibility. Only with more convincing evidence could the fund could be loaned to the applicant.
[写的不错，但是要注意用更多的academic words and phrases
furthermore, 还有很多地方可以攻击：比方说，在m开jazz club’s expenditure such as the fee for renting houses, hiring members, the price of electricity（这点可能有点不合适）, and so forth
加油啊！
Argu 6
https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/showthread.php?s=&threadid=257319
Issue94 　
Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's field of study because acquiring knowledge of various academic disciplines is the best way to become truly educated.
https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/showthread....threadid=257202
Argument 67
https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/showthread....threadid=257214

谢谢]

天道酬勤
shengboguo@yahoo.com

使用道具举报

iver
UID：198348

高级会员

Rank: 5 Rank: 5

声望: 0
寄托币: 2980
注册时间: 2005-3-2
精华: 2
帖子: 1

6楼

发表于 2005-3-20 18:05:12 |只看该作者

我的文章：
Before giving a loan to this group of developers in the city of Monroe, the evidence given in the argument should be examined from several other angles: Whether the jazz is popular in Monroe only considering the evidences provided? Whether a jazz club would be popular and profitable jazz不能是是否profitable吧？！ without examining other factors? 开头比较独特，但是，最好后面再写几各问句，作为论证部分的攻击点，从而更加具有条理性

Firstly, just because the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away do not warrant the fact that the C Note would have the local market all to itself. There may be a club in near city which has great influence on the jazz fans in Monroe. Furthermore, it is entirely possible that some businessmen program to establish a large club in Monroe or near city, which would compete for market in Monroe with C Note.论证不是很充分，可以补充的攻击点有：Jazz funs in M may have been accustomed to the present club for its excellent service and low expenditure, therefore, they are reluctant to attend a new one

Furthermore, it is an arbitrary conclusion that jazz is popular in Monroe. The several evidences provided are unconvincing. Firstly, the fact that over 100, 000 people attended Monroe’s jazz festival last summer dose not ensure the popularity in Monroe, since it is entirely possible that the majority of people attending festival are living in out-of-town. What is more, the fact that several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe lends no strong support support is a noun here, you should add “to” here the applicant’s assertion. Perhaps these jazz musicians are playing in other cities and living in Monroe for the enjoyable climate, not because of the love in jazz of people in Monroe.我也不知道几个musicians住在这里如何攻击

The argument appears to assume that the typical jazz fan in Monroe would spend close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment just because this is an average nationwide. Yet this might not be the case, for a variety of possible reasons. Perhaps the residents in Monroe are poor and receiving receive the governments’ assistance, and thus could not afford to attend the jazz club. Perhaps
people in this area are prudent and do not want to waste money in the jazz entertainment. Without ruling out such possibilities, the author can not justifiably conclude that the C Note can not help but make money. 这段写的不错

Even we conceded the fact that the jazz is popular in Monroe and jazz fan in Monroe spends a lot of money in jazz entertainment, this does not necessarily mean that it is a wise venture to found an jazz club. For example, do the fans spend the majority of the money in club but not in other activitiesWhether do the fans spend the majority of the money in club or in other activities?? Will the local ratio program compete with the jazz club?

In conclusion, the argument is not convincing as it stands. To make it logically acceptable, the applicant should show that the jazz is really popular in Monroe and an a jazz club would be welcome. Additionally, the applicant should prove his/her credibility. Only with more convincing evidence could the fund could be loaned to the applicant.
写的不错，但是要注意用更多的academic words and phrases
furthermore, 还有很多地方可以攻击：比方说，在m开jazz club’s expenditure such as the fee for renting houses, hiring members, the price of electricity（这点可能有点不合适）, and so forth
加油啊！
Argu 6
https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/showthread.php?s=&threadid=257319
Issue94 　
Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's field of study because acquiring knowledge of various academic disciplines is the best way to become truly educated.
https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/showthread....threadid=257202
Argument 67
https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/showthread....threadid=257214

谢谢

天道酬勤
shengboguo@yahoo.com

使用道具举报