[活动] woowoo独立写作12.17 [复制链接]

colourwoo
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电梯直达

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发表于 2009-12-17 20:33:51 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

过去和现在哪个更容易成功

In which period it is easier for one's success, the past time or the modern time? I will analyze this question from the factors of success.

Firstly, I suppose one of the most important factors of success is human resource. A great many people with the same goals can make amazing success, and help from others will make things much easier than doing by oneself as well. Apparently, people who live in modern time communicate with others much easier than in the past, for so many tools such as internet and telephone are widely used in our life. Consequently, it is easier to find out people who have the same goals as yours, and you can convey ideas even if one of you is in USA and another is in China. The only thing to get this purpose may just leave a message on some websites.

Secondly, chance is also important to one's success. Thank to convenient tele-communication tools again, chances are around us. Comparing to the past when people get news from limited ways like mouth to mouth, it is hardly to find out what you really want. Of course there are some disadvantages, which are too much information for modern people, and they have to check the real chances out and utilize them. It is better to get the information through efforts than get nothing by no ways.

In sum, modern people are lucky for better environment to go to success. We prefer to think like that as well, for we live now and we all hope our success.

字数还是不够。。没时间了。还要多练！

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wuqian0801
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沙发

发表于 2009-12-17 21:19:00 |只看该作者

1# colourwoo

In which period it is easier for one's success, the past time or the modern time? I will analyze this question from the factors of success.

Firstly, I suppose<suppose is not suitable. Eg: deem/consider/view is ok> one of the most important/significant factors of success is human resource. A great many people with the same goals can make amazing success, and help from others <accepting help from others>will make things much easier than doing by oneself as well. Apparently, people who live in modern time communicate with others much easier than in the past, for so many tools such as internet and telephone are widely used in our life. Consequently, it is easier to find out people who have the same goals as yours, and you can convey ideas even if one of you is in USA and another is in China. The only thing to get this purpose may just leave a message on some websites.

Secondly, chance is also important to one's success. Thank to convenient tele-communication tools again, chances are around us. Comparing to the past when people get news from limited ways like mouth to mouth, it is hardly to find out what you really want. Of course/<informal or oral word> there are some disadvantages, which are too much information for modern people, and they have to check the real chances out and utilize them. It is better to get the information through efforts than get nothing by no ways

In sum, modern people are lucky for better environment to go to success. We prefer to think like that as well, for we live now and we all hope our success.

LZ:
1.文章字数不够的原因是: 你的论述属于incomplete的... 起码是要4段./一般要5段吧..
                           Para 1: Background or some introductions, either is ok  这部分你没有.
                           Para 2/3/4: Firstly->Secondly->Third , etc.
                           Para 5: In conclusion/In sum... etc
2.a.我觉得你的词汇有点缺乏...
rater不希望看见一篇文章里头重复出现easier or much or many 之类的词...
replace them...
easier=convenient=of convenience=efficient... 其实我觉得词语的感觉很重要,词汇的意思只是在表达那种感觉.
b. 句子简单
主系表结构用得频率高了些.. 尝试写些复杂的句子.. 或者长句.. 这样文章字数多了,感觉也层次高了点..
3. 好多句子是chinglish的感觉.. 还是那句话不要尝试去翻译你心中的语句,而是去表达那种你想要表达的感觉,表达清楚了.. 就是good essay
4. 缺乏example
其实有了example 就有了描述和论证. 那么句子长和字数多就根本不是问题了...

以上是我的建议和感觉...

加油!

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hualazimi
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板凳

发表于 2009-12-18 15:00:17 |只看该作者

In which period(which通常是三者以上的选择) it is easier for one's success, the past time or the modern time? I will analyze this question from the factors of success.
R0 a8 c9 M% |) L
, m# Y- ?! h) \# c0 {, M9 q. {, S0 ^
Firstly, I suppose one of the most important factors of success is human resource. A great many people with the same goals can make amazing success, and help from others will make things much easier than doing by oneself as well. Apparently, people who live in modern time communicate with others much easier than in the past, for so many tools such as internet and telephone are widely used in our life. Consequently, it is easier to find out people who have the same goals as yours, and you can convey ideas even if one of you is in USA and another is in China. The only thing to get this purpose may just leave a message on some websites（这点有点牵强了，志同道合的人在一起就一定能成功吗？应该就这个理由做进一步解释）.

9 g! g" A0 E3 H) ]Secondly, chance is also important to one's success. Thank（s） to convenient tele-communication tools again, chances are around us.（为什么有了电话，机会就在我们身边了呢？） Comparing to the past when people get news from limited ways like mouth to mouth, it is hardly to find out what you really want. Of course there are some disadvantages, which are too much information for modern people, and they have to check the real chances out and utilize them. It is better to get the information through efforts than get nothing by no ways.' [+ [+ ~, Z5 \- r
; f, Y; G4 B2 v6 b1 r6 _3 }
In sum, modern people are lucky for better environment to go to success. We prefer to think like that as well, for we live now and we all hope our success.

缺少example，没有能够很好的阐述自己的观点，如果能有一些细节和主题方面的解释，那么字数是不成问题的。

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