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[i习作temp] Issue 7 恳求指导，还有2周考试 [复制链接]

zhlxr
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电梯直达

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发表于 2010-8-1 21:35:06 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由 zhlxr 于 2010-8-1 21:36 编辑

第一次写。。然后掐表。。痛苦异常。。希望能给与意见，力争短时间突破作文。。因为实在是没时间了。。。问题应该是很容易找的。。。

Simply by a click on your video camera, every single person, every even unremarkable move, at any time under any scenery, would be recorded down, fresh and clear, even after long period of time. People enjoy writing diary using camera, not just due to its convenience but, most importantly, accurate and convincing. However, is this all life in our remembrance all about? Although revive our old times, video could not always reproduce those lovely days. Why? We remember not only movement, but, foremost, our emotions and thoughts.
There has to be another way to render the record complete, both physically and emotionally. Correct, under the help of written records.
Normally, starting to record days in pen, we focus on what exactly we are feeling and how we generate our own thoughts under such circumstances. When watching the video record of world war II, fierce battle and numerous of death would come into mind. But is this what we can learn from those horrible times? Only reading Anne’s diary, we would realize how precious freedom is; only reading speech of Patton, we could know there are solders fighting their lives, for the well being of others. Writing, sometimes, preserve our prestigious thoughts, from being lost during ordinary days and ultimately conveying to our descendants. All these would be almost impossible, for a video camera, to afford.
But in other case, video camera, unlike written records, could carry our memory impartial, accurate and convincing. Our thoughts could be affected by feelings and thus, inside the written records, recurrence may not be subjective enough and when later looking backwards, justifiable opinion could still be difficult to form.
In short, although nowadays, video camera become more and more popular, from the perspective of building a comprehensive documentation, we should not only focus on recording facts, but precious feelings and thoughts under certain time as well. The balance of materials chosen inside documentation to reproduce a complete life status should be carefully considered, meaning that either video camera or written materials are of equal importance, when coming to recording.

谢谢谢

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沙发

发表于 2010-8-1 22:18:21 |只看该作者

总的来说还不错。句式比较灵活，废话不多，没有受太多模板的不良影响。
观点有道理，例子也比较贴切。

不过我觉得有点地方逗号用的太多了点。。。。。比如下面这句：
All these would be almost impossible, for a video camera, to afford.
中间的2个逗号完全可以去掉。

逗号是分隔用的，太多的话，读起来会有点一顿一顿的感觉，不够流畅。

语法没有特别仔细看。。。。现在对语法不是很关心。可以再找个人看看语法？

加油，加油。

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zhlxr
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板凳

发表于 2010-8-1 22:27:09 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 zhlxr 于 2010-8-1 22:50 编辑

2# DriverEntry

谢谢阿。。其实灵活什么的是因为我还没来得及看模板

不过逗号问题的确很值得注意阿。另外觉得有些论题例如就是这个，事例什么的觉得不太需要阿。。。

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地板

发表于 2010-8-1 22:41:22 |只看该作者

有例子还是会稍微好一些吧。：）

如果不用例子能说清楚也可以。

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zhlxr
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发表于 2010-8-1 23:08:39 |只看该作者

有例子还是会稍微好一些吧。：）

如果不用例子能说清楚也可以。
DriverEntry 发表于 2010-8-1 22:41

谢谢~

其他的ID们也请不吝指教呀~~

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发表于 2010-8-2 16:46:16 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 Kinsimon 于 2010-8-2 17:01 编辑

Simply by a click on your video camera, every single person, every even unremarkable move, at any time under any scenery, would be recorded down, fresh and clear, even after long period of time. People enjoy writing diary using camera, not just due to its convenience but, most importantly, accurate and convincing. However, is this all life in our remembrance all about? Although revive our old times, video could not always reproduce those lovely days. Why? We remember not only movement, but, foremost, our emotions and thoughts.
There has to be another way to render the record complete, both physically and emotionally. Correct, under the help of written records.
Normally, starting to record days in pen, we focus on what exactly we are feeling and how we generate our own thoughts under such circumstances. When watching the video record of world war II, fierce battle and numerous of death would come into mind. But is this what we can learn from those horrible times? Only reading Anne’s diary, we would realize how precious freedom is; only reading speech of Patton, we could know there are solders fighting their lives, for the well being of others. Writing, sometimes, preserve our prestigious thoughts, from being lost during ordinary days and ultimately conveying to our descendants. All these would be almost impossible, for a video camera, to afford.
But in other case, video camera, unlike written records, could carry our memory impartial, accurate and convincing. Our thoughts could be affected by feelings and thus, inside the written records, recurrence may not be subjective enough and when later looking backwards, justifiable opinion could still be difficult to form.
In short, although nowadays, video camera become more and more popular, from the perspective of building a comprehensive documentation, we should not only focus on recording facts, but precious feelings and thoughts under certain time as well. The balance of materials chosen inside documentation to reproduce a complete life status should be carefully considered, meaning that either video camera or written materials are of equal importance, when coming to recording. (You are empathizing that both are important, rather either one of them.)

（*Green color indicates inapproapriateness）
--------------------------

Please allow me to state my opinions. I want to make it clear that this is only my personal opinions, and I have not taken any GRE, IELTS or TOEFL. Therefore, if you find some of my judgment unreasonable, please just ignore it. And i want to make it clear that I am trying to help!

If I have not misunderstood you, your thesis is an impartial one, sitting on the fierce. This can be judged from your last summary. Seldom have I had the opportunity to see any GRE writing and I have no knowledge of this genre. My argument would be that it would be better if you can stand in one side and argue for it. Commonity is that the majority of academic papers would do it in that way, rather than taking no side. Judged from your passage, I can tell that you style is rather causal, or informal. Academic papers are not supposed to be in this way. (I suppose that GRE papers should be rather academic, if I am wrong. Please forgive me.) Evidence can be retrieved from your run-on sentences and single words (e.g. Why? Correct.)

I try to revise the first part of your last paragraph into the following one. I think it wold be better in this way.
----------------
In short, although video camera become more and more popular nowadays from the perspective of building a comprehensive documentation, we should not only focus on recording facts, but we should also focus on precious feelings and thoughts under certain time as well.
----------------

If you want to make some improvement, I assume that you should distinguish between what is formal and what is not. (e.g. single words used as one sentence are absolutely informal.) I think you can also practice how to write long, and complex sentences. “The balance of materials chosen inside documentation to reproduce a complete life status should be carefully considered,..” this fragment is a good try.

Good Luck!

I am writing this in a hurry, mistakes might tend to occure.
Comments welcome.

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7楼

发表于 2010-8-5 22:28:04 |只看该作者

我汗...你居然写GRE...
mark一下有时间试着改改看，虽然很多年不碰了...

這人間苦什麼　怕不能遇見你　

這世界有點假　可我莫名愛上她

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8楼

发表于 2010-8-5 23:19:24 |只看该作者

本帖最后由落落尘烟于 2010-8-5 23:21 编辑


下次发习作的时候应该把题目发上去，最好把自己的提纲也发上来...
The video camera provides such an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life that it has become a more important form of documentation than written records.

这个题目呢，应该是一个"比较级"的题目，重点是论述A和B的重要性谁更重要，可以写出A>B，A=B,A<B。
所以最好是差异化比较videos & written records, 而不是简单的陈述各自的重要性。不要静态地用一段说A重要，然后用一段说B重要，最后说都重要。而最好从比较的观点来看，A比B哪里好，B比A哪里差，从这个比较中最后得到你的观点。这是立意上面的。不说废话了，进入你文章。

Simply by a click on your video camera, every single person, every even unremarkable move, at any time under any scenery, would be recorded down, fresh and clear, even after long period of time. People enjoy writing diary using camera, not just due to its convenience but, most importantly, accurate and convincing. However, is this all life in our remembrance all about? Although revive our old times, video could not always reproduce those lovely days. Why? We remember not only movement, but, foremost, our emotions and thoughts.(这一段有点让步的感觉，先说viedo的好，然后指出它在记录思想和情感上面的不足。其实这都可以算作你正文的一部分了，严格来说，我觉得你可以再加一个开头，开门见山摆出自己观点...)
There has to be another way to render the record complete, both physically and emotionally. Correct, under the help of written records.（这里不知道是不是一段..感觉作为一段太单薄了，而下一段开头就是用的具体事例，其实可以整合到一段里面..）
Normally, starting to record days in pen, we focus on what exactly we are feeling and how we generate our own thoughts under such circumstances. When watching the video record of world war II, fierce battle and numerous of death would come into mind. But is this what we can learn from those horrible times? Only reading Anne’s diary, we would realize how precious freedom is; only reading speech of Patton, we could know there are solders fighting their lives, for the well being of others. Writing, sometimes, preserve our prestigious thoughts, from being lost during ordinary days and ultimately conveying to our descendants. All these would be almost impossible, for a video camera, to afford.
But in other case, video camera, unlike written records, could carry our memory impartial, accurate and convincing. Our thoughts could be affected by feelings and thus, inside the written records, recurrence may not be subjective enough and when later looking backwards, justifiable opinion could still be difficult to form.（这一段我觉得没必要了，和你的第一段有点重复；让步段可以出现在第一段，比如，"诚然A很好，但是A的好仅限于**方面，在其他地方还是B好balabalabala"。也可以出现在正文最后一段作为补充，eg. "前面通篇说A好B不好，最后补充一下..其实B也没那么差劲，在某些方面B还是比A强的 balabalabala"但是不要有两个让步段同时出现）
In short, although nowadays, video camera become more and more popular, from the perspective of building a comprehensive documentation, we should not only focus on recording facts, but precious feelings and thoughts under certain time as well. The balance of materials chosen inside documentation to reproduce a complete life status should be carefully considered, meaning that either video camera or written materials are of equal importance, when coming to recording.
语言很棒我就不说了，结构上改进下就好了。
我觉得问题有2
1行文上缺乏一点guidelines，以至于整篇文章看上去有点散；缺乏guidelines的原因是首段直接进入论证，而没有摆明立场。
2首段让步和倒数第二段让步在意思上其实重复了，这样导致读者发现你一会说A的好，一会让步后又说B好，然后又说A不错。
这2点导致结构有点散。

最后我列个小提纲抛砖引玉吧:
position：negative，thinking written report is more important
body1: admittedly, video camera以其能够忠实地记录生活。精确而可信。是一种很重要的文件形式。
      例子：（这里可以照搬你的第一段）
body2:但是这种图像上的精确性和可靠性并不代表它是一种比文字更为重要的形式。为了忠实地记录当代生活。我们不仅  要关注图片和影像，最好还能深入到个人的感触和思想。我们不仅要关注个人的生活图景，还要能够从宏观上能够描摹时代概貌。video虽然能够提供直观精确的record，但在深度和广度上无法企及文字记录（比较级的题目，加上一个比较法制是很好的，用什么样的判断法则可以你自己定，重要的是，你定义了以后，你就可以根据这个法则说到底是文字记录更重要，还是video更重要）
body3:论述文字能够深入展现个人的思想，而影响无法深入描摹人的感情和内心。例子：这里可以用你安妮日记那一段。
body4:论述文字记录能够展现更宏观的时代图景。例子：the great depression一书中通过大量的数据，图标和分析展现了大萧条时期的美国图景。然而video虽然有着更为细节和直接的表现力，却无法胜任这样的工作。
in sum: 综上所述。虽然video往往直观而accurate，但由于文字相对于video在哪哪和哪哪上的表现力更强，我认为它才能更好地记录一个时代。
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