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ljyjulia
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2010-8-27 02:25:12 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

8月26日独立作文 27号凌晨写成

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:, 3Younger school children (aged five to ten) should be required to study art and music in addition to math, language, science and history.
　（Education）

第一次哈，见谅~

People have been weighing studying art and music against with math, language, science and history，wondering whether our children should be attached the same importance to art and music. Some people just hold that It’s unnecessary to learn such courses as art and music. However, some maintain that never should we neglect the importance of developing our insight for arts and music since we are young, in comparison with other traditional lessons.

Studying art and music from a young age prompts young children to mould our sentiment and learn how to live a happy life. How would life be without music and art? Music and art express the world in a special dimension and perspective. Equipped with such insight for appreciating arts in special dimension, people feel happy. Young children should be taught to pursue this kind of happiness as early as possible because they are at a most favorable age for exploring their sentiments and potential for art and music. We have seen many children neighboring us can draw or play piano very well. If we could not take the advantage of such age, encouraging them to touch or even emerge into different versions of art and music, they would unfortunately lose the opportunities to appreciate Mozart’s symphony, Van Gogh’s post-impressionist arts and ballad. Let alone feel the happiness in their life.

Not only does studying art and music benefit young children’s life, it also has far-reaching influence for their future development. As the research of psychologist indicates, in comparison with science, math, history which promotes our logic, analyzing and calculate possessed by left brain, studying art and music are able to explore our right brain which takes charge of our thinking in mages. Good thinking ability in mages not only makes recalling things more efficiently, it’s also closely related with creativity. That’s why so many artists and musicians are so intelligent and unexhausted to create new things. Therefore studying art and music as early as possible does provoke them to think up with creative ideas, which will contribute a lot to their future study and career.

All in all, studying music and art, cultivating such insight since an early age, not only prepares young children to edify their sentiments and live a happy life in the future, but also provoke them have better creativity ability and make more achievement in their future development. So important it is that we should require young children to study early in addition to the courses like math and science.

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pricilla811
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沙发

发表于 2010-8-27 15:30:10 |只看该作者

楼上同学,我们俩互改怎么样，看来人家已经分好组很久了....如果愿意的话加我吧，309336468~注明互改作文哦~

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

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ljyjulia
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板凳

发表于 2010-8-27 21:45:32 |只看该作者

好的呀，不好意思之前一直没人改作文就一直没过来看~~嗯我现在加~~不过楼里好像没看见你的文章~~能给个链接么……

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地板

发表于 2010-8-27 23:41:07 |只看该作者

已修改～～

附件: 你需要登录才可以下载或查看附件。没有帐号？立即注册

长跑

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ljyjulia
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5楼

发表于 2010-8-28 12:09:28 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 ljyjulia 于 2010-8-28 12:14 编辑

帮别人改的作文
Younger school children (aged five to ten) should be required to study art and music in addition to math, language, science and history.# x5 z) J4 g# y" a" V
; L7 T5 Y' a0 X. O7 R: ]' s4 Q
Nowadays, normal primary schools which always target to at young children that aged five to ten have various classes including math, language, science, history, art and music. Some people deem that art and music should be canceled for the reason that these are not relative for children’ promotion to higher schools so that they shouldn’t waste time on those classes. But in my opinion, art and music is important to young children for their development. My personal reasons are presented as follows.7 d) o" w  `: }& n  Q
Normal
0 x9 d- h  z) L) {
The Following is written by me for reference:
Nowadays, normal schools have been targeting at young children aged five to ten to have a wide variety of (查过了，a wide variety of表示各种各样的，及其广泛的。感觉这样说比较强调广泛性。) classes like math, language, science， history， art and music. （这里转折跟前面“开设各种课程”形成对照，算是一种过渡，我觉得会更好）But some deem that art and music are just a waste of time and should be canceled because they can not help children enter a key high school.(最近在备考GMAT，G里面的有句子改错题，句子改错是为将句子改的更贴近于standard written English.要写出standard written English 其中遵从的一个很重要的原则就是“effectiveness and conciseness”，具体比如像动词优先于形容词，再其次是名词，最后是动名词，比如I support him > I am supportive of him. The year 1987 witnessed the founding of USA> The United States was founded in 1789.(被动句不宜多用)。以后构词时尽量按照这个原则，我觉得写出来的句子会更地道。) In my opinion, art and music are important for young children’s development so we should require children to study them. (注意首段的thesis statement点题，The last sentence is called thesis statement and it is the most important sentence in the essay. You should clearly state your opinion. If somebody reads your thesis sentence, they should be able to answer these two questions, (1) what is the essay about? (2) What is your opinion? ) My personal reasons are as follows.

The body begins with a topic sentence that tells the reader what the rest of the paragraph is going to be about. The remaining sentences are called supporting ideas because their main function is to support the topic sentence.
(A topic sentence:)To begin with, art and music help children to adjust their mood and relax themselves in such a busy world. (Supporting ideas) Along with the accelerating pace of modern life, young children are also facing huge pressures because they are expected to be more competitive in the future. （这句属于解释，应该放在论点之后比较好！）As a result(后面说课业的增加是对前句Children are facing huge pressures 的进一步解释，不能用因果的逻辑关系：P), their school time is extended and more homework will occupy their spare time. So the percentage of study in children’s life increased much and this burden tends to be overweight. What should also be noticed is that normal classes like math, language, history and science are boring especially for young children that lack of self control.（划线部分修改：The increasing heavy burden of school work occupies their spare time .(在google上查：繁重的课业负担-heavy burden of school work/heavy learning burden)）Children are engaged in the traditional courses such as math, language, history and science everyday. These courses are difficult enough that some children really suffer from the trouble caused by them, such as the lost of self-confidence, a complete sense of exhaustion and low morale.) .However, art and music class ,with active atmosphere, allow(是不是这个词没有突出art and music 发挥作用的主动性。。。) children releasing the pressure and alternate their mood back to a good one (调整心情用adjust their mood)then in return the study in other disciplines will be more effective（prompt them to get rid of the side effect of heavy burden and study more efficiently in other subjects ）. Consequently, art and music class contribute to releasing the pressure the young children enduring today.

1 H! r2 t  [4 _1 B2
Besides, some interests out of study should be developed since childhood. Many people believe that art and music are unnecessary to children aged five to ten. In this way, as for older children, these two disciplines seem to be more unnecessary. Then when would children or people learn about art and music? As grown up, children have to spend more time on their study and undertake more stress on it because it is crucial for their future. Thereby, children should learn art and study when they are young as they own more free time. In addition, development of another field out of your major is helpful to your career, too. As we know, today’s company prefers to employ versatile individuals., U" ]& K8 b& G
这段其实是说发展音乐方面的才能对他们的未来事业发展有好处。但是公司为什么喜欢versatile individuals，那是因为他们思维敏捷，拥有创造力。而音乐美术恰恰有利于开发他们的创造力，想象力，空间概念，在解释的时候不妨运用爱因斯坦拉小提琴的例子，他常常是用拉小提琴带给他的灵感去想象和思考相对论的空间模型。作者在首段一定还是要说明音乐对future development 的作用。然后再Support this topic. 可以先提出Why today’s company prefer to employ versatile individuals. Because people with such art and music talents are more likely to会怎样怎样，有创造力，眼界开阔，有更好的决策想法。，并最终给企业make profits.(最终要回到未来事业要赢利需要这些品质培养)，最后说儿童是培养这些才艺品质的最好时期。为了未来的发展，我们不能错过时机。
  s. O( c A1 I
To sum up, young children ages from five to ten should take classes of art and music because they could release the pressure of other disciplines’ study and development in such areas contribute to their career in the future.
注意：开头空四个字符，空格键点四下~
注意论点要清楚的放在第一段，Supporting ideas 要逻辑清晰得支持论点

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6楼

发表于 2010-8-29 10:47:05 |只看该作者

5# ljyjulia
非常非常感谢，这篇修改我会好好学习~~~ 谢谢谢~~~

长跑

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ljyjulia
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7楼

发表于 2010-9-3 15:43:42 |只看该作者

6# 伶女
不谢哈加油加油:hug: :victory:

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8楼

发表于 2010-9-3 15:45:21 |只看该作者

Do you prefer to take a low-paid but secure job or a job with a high salary but easy to lose? (Work)
The choice between low-paid but secure job and a high salary job but easy to lose one is really something of dilemma. Sometimes we choose the low-paid but secure one because we lose confidence and don’t want to take risks. But for a student who has just graduated from school without any working experience, we should challenge ourselves to take the difficult one and acquire more skills.  So if you ask me which I prefer between the either choices, I would absolutely choose the later one because I can acquire more and make foundation for the future.
To begin with, job with high salary but easy to lose can always is more challenging and you can learn a lot from it. For example, I used to take a position with high layoff rate in one reputable company. Although the salary is high, my manager is also strict with me. If I could not finish the job in the limited time he would remind me of what I should pay attention in my work and even threat me with unemployment. Sometimes he gave me some missions that seem impossible, which I really I have a difficult time in finishing. Finally, when I get through that job I really improve a lot no matter my confidence or working experience. Therefore high-salary but hard job really prompt you to learn about something you can do not do in the past.
Second, compared with low-paid but secure job, a high salary but easy to lose job has more monetary reward and more opportunities for promotion. The harder the job is, the less people can do it well. So you will prove your ability if you can finish it well. How  can a company forget a talent person (有能力的人 capable person)who can take the hard mission. Undoubtedly they will give you more money and promotion to encourage you to make more profits for the company. Whereas, otherwise, a low-paid and secure position won’t give you much chance to perform yourselves, let alone any more reward and promotion.
All in all, only those who can take the risk and challenge themselves can afford to reach the peak for success. A job with high salary but easy to lose will prompt you to challenge yourself and acquire(provide) more valuable experience in the short. Moreover you can require more monetary and promotion along with your progress in that position. So I prefer to take the challenging job as I tend to regard it as obstacles that you have fun overcoming, rather than as impenetrable brick walls.
                                                                                                            超时5min

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