[习作点评] 【NINE 小组】第一次作业-by lovetian [复制链接]

lovetian
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2011-8-1 20:43:44 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由 lovetian 于 2011-8-2 12:24 编辑

Does it depends on the type of life which people live is luxury and convenient that they cannot develop into truly strong and have independent individuals? The speaker claims so, however, in my view, I tend to agree with this theory that whether a person who can develop into truly strong and independent characteristics or not has not so much business with the living condition. Many other reasons, such as ignoring her selves’ value or always being doubted by her surrounding people, can result this consequence that she cannot develop into truly strong and independent individual.

Firstly, in my opinion, whether life is luxury and convenient or not, it don't have so much influence, that is to say, people can develop into truly strong and gain a independent characteristic with such life. President Obama, the first Africa-American who holds the office, is a powerful and self-governed individual who is not ruined by the Air Force One, the High-Speed Optical Transfer Network in White House and western-style clothes made by Hartmarx without any doubt. Besides Obama, Bill Gate is another example to support my opinion. As we all know, BILL GATES'S HOUSE, which has a total assessed value of 147.5 million U.S dollars, is a house designed in the Pacific lodge style with classic features such as a large private library with a dome shaped roof and all the rooms in this house can automatically adjust temperature, music, and lighting based on the guest's preferences. Apparently, those two famous people proof that the kind of life don't determine whether a person can have a powerful interior or not.

Then, what make people become independent and strong? I suppose that finding the value of their own is one of the most significant factors in developing into truly strong private person. In our daily life, we will face to many troubles we should work out, however, if a female had to solve the problem haven't discovered her value, she will be vulnerable, although she is able to settle the matter, because she don't firmly believe she can do this, she is not confident. After uncountable failures, I believe the woman couldn't developing into a truly powerful and freedom person, even she don't live in a life with internet, cars, planes, iPhones. But if a person who has already noticed his value, no matter if he lives in a convenient contemporary life, he will be successful in achieving a strong heart by confidence and success. Besides finding their value can make them grow into really powerful and freedom people, support from the people around you, especially from your friend can also let you achieve the same aim.

Finally, it is true that a person live in a contemporary life with high technology and innumerable attractions which will lure she and make she far away from becoming a truly strong and independent individual. But unless she live alone and stay in a place with nothing but herself, she won't find a place with no attraction in our society, so whether you live in a luxury life is not a primary things, attitude toward the life full of luxuries and convenience and what we do in this kind of life are determinant, only this kind of life couldn't prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individuals.

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winterfine
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沙发

发表于 2011-8-2 20:53:29 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 winterfine 于 2011-8-2 20:55 编辑

Does it depends (depend) on the type of life which people live is (is替换为being) luxury and convenient that they cannot develop into truly strong and have independent individuals? The speaker claims so, however, in my view, I tend to agree with this theory that whether a person who (去掉who) can develop into truly strong and independent characteristics or not has not so much business with the living condition. (第一个观点是两者无关) Many other reasons, such as ignoring her selves’ value or always being doubted by her surrounding people, can result this consequence that she cannot develop into truly strong and independent individual. （第二个观点是独立强大取决于其他因素）
Firstly, in my opinion, whether life is luxury and convenient or not, it (建议去掉,it 合并为一句话) don't (does not) have so much influence, that is to say, people can develop into truly strong (into为介词,后面应该接名词) and gain a (an) independent characteristic with such life. President Obama, the first Africa-American who holds the office, is a powerful and self-governed individual who is not ruined by the Air Force One, the High-Speed Optical Transfer Network in White House and western-style clothes made by Hartmarx without any doubt. Besides Obama, Bill Gate is another example to support my opinion. As we all know, (好吧，其实我不知道) BILL GATES'S HOUSE, which has a total assessed value of 147.5 million U.S dollars, is a house designed in the Pacific lodge style with classic features such as a large private library with a dome shaped roof and all the rooms in this house can automatically adjust temperature, music, and lighting based on the guest's preferences. Apparently, those two famous people proof that the kind (kinds) of life don't determine whether a person can have a powerful interior or not.
（感觉支持第一个观点的两个例子稍显重复，同为luxury不导致dependency，可以考虑其他的论证方向，如inconveniency产生weakness，以实现更全面论证两者无关）
Then, what make people become independent and strong? I suppose that finding the value of their own is one of the most significant factors in developing into truly strong private person. In our daily life, we will (个人认为没必要用将来时) face to many troubles we should work out, however, if a female had to solve the problem haven't discovered her value (两个谓语？), she will be vulnerable, although she is able to settle the matter, because she don't firmly believe she can do this, she is not confident.(这句比较乱 ) After uncountable failures, I believe the woman couldn't developing (develop) into a truly powerful and freedom person, even she don't (does not) live in a life with internet, cars, planes, iPhones. But if a person who has already noticed his (he与she) value, no matter if he lives in a convenient contemporary life, he will be successful in achieving a strong heart by confidence and success. Besides finding their value can make them grow into really powerful and freedom people, support from the people around you, especially from your friend can also let you achieve the same aim.
（关于其他因素的论述与题目中luxury, convenience关系并不大，个人感觉稍微跑题，如果能够说明convenience使人们更容易寻找到自我价值，得到他人承认，会使得本段观点与上一段观点联系更为紧密，也更为扣题）
Finally, it is true that a person live (lives) in a contemporary life with high technology and innumerable attractions which will lure she and make she far away from becoming a truly strong and independent individual. But unless she live alone and stay in a place with nothing but herself, she won't find a place with no attraction in our society, so whether you live in a luxury life is not a primary things, attitude toward the life full of luxuries and convenience and what we do in this kind of life are determinant, only this kind of life couldn't prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individuals.
(1文中提到attitude十分重要，观点挺好的，但是attitude toward the life 与strong and independent individuals这两者之间的关系没有充分论证。2这个观点在开头并没有说明，和前文观点关联性也不是非常强)

首先，各个段落大意都很明确。
其次，语法问题，其实都是些小错，但是貌似错得多了，评分会降档次的，极为吃亏。
最后，我认为第三段观点稍微改改就会很出彩的；第四段和前面比起来略显突兀。

以上观点纯属个人意见，有机会一起讨论、修改、完善

lovetian
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板凳

发表于 2011-8-3 11:35:51 |只看该作者

Does it depend on the type of life which people live being luxury and convenient that they cannot develop into truly strong and have independent individuals? The speaker claims so, however, in my view, I tend to agree with this theory that whether a person can develop into truly strong and independent characteristics or not has not so much business with the living condition. Many other reasons, such as ignoring her selves’ value or always being doubted by her surrounding people, can result this consequence that she cannot develop into truly strong and independent individual.

Firstly, in my opinion, whether life is luxury and convenient or not does not have so much influence in the formation of a person’s personality, that is to say, people can develop into a truly strong independent characteristic with such life if they hold vigorous attitudes toward life. Maybe you know BILL GATES'S HOUSE, which has a total assessed value of 147.5 million U.S dollars, is a house designed in the Pacific lodge style with classic features such as a large private library with a dome shaped roof and all the rooms in this house can automatically adjust temperature, music, and lighting based on the guest's preferences. Apparently, living in this luxury and convenient house doesn’t let Gates away from a person with strength and independence.(改了一下这段的论点)

Then, finding the value of their own is one of the most significant factors in developing into truly strong private person, especially when she lives in this extravagant and convenient life. In our daily life, we face to many troubles we should work out, however, if a female who haven't discovered her value had to solve the problem, she will be vulnerable, although she is able to settle the matter, because she, a normal woman without confidence, don't firmly believe she can do this. After uncountable failures, I believe the woman couldn't develop into a truly powerful and freedom person, even she does not live in a life with internet, cars, planes and iPhone. But if a person who has already noticed his value, no matter if he lives in a convenient contemporary life, he will be successful in achieving a strong heart by confidence and success. Besides finding their value can make them grow into really powerful and freedom people, support from the people around you, especially from your friend can also let you achieve the same aim.

Finally, it is true that a person lives in a contemporary life with high technology and innumerable attractions which will lure her; furthermore the prediction that these enticements will make her far away from becoming a truly strong and independent individual is not unfounded. But unless she live alone and stay in a place with nothing but herself, she won't find a place with no attraction in our society, so whether you live in a luxury life is not a primary things, attitude toward the life full of luxuries and convenience and what we do in this kind of life are determinant, this kind of life couldn't prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individuals.（和第二段有了一些关联）

语法错的比较多写的时候没有太注意下次改正

ymxjtu
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地板

发表于 2011-8-3 15:58:53 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 ymxjtu 于 2011-8-3 16:00 编辑

Does it depend on the type of life which people live being luxury and convenient that they cannot develop into truly strong and have independent individuals? The speaker claims so, however, in my view, I tend to agree with this theory(理论好像不太好吧，theory太大了) that whether a person can develop into truly strong and independent characteristics or not has not so much business with the living condition.（句子有问题，是不是应该去掉into） Many other reasons, such as ignoring her selves’ value or always being doubted by her surrounding people, can （also） result this consequence that she cannot develop into (a) truly strong and independent individual.

Firstly, in my opinion, whether life is luxury and convenient or not does not have so much influence in the formation of a person’s personality, that is to say, people can develop into a truly strong independent characteristic with such life if they hold vigorous attitudes toward life.（个人的性格形成是环境影响的，为什么说奢华的生活没有影响的？环境影响个人对生活的态度，然后态度反过来再作用于环境，所以这个地方就有了类似于到底是鸡生蛋先还是蛋生鸡先的问题了？感觉本末倒置了，我个人认为，环境作用在先，完全可以影响并决定一个人的性格，然后当他的性格形成以后，那环境的影响就不会太大了，所以如果细分的话会可能更有说服力。） Maybe you know BILL GATES'S HOUSE, which has a total assessed value of 147.5 million U.S dollars, is a house designed in the Pacific lodge style with classic features such as a large private library with a dome shaped roof and all the rooms in this house can automatically adjust temperature, music, and lighting based on the guest's preferences. Apparently, living in this luxury and convenient house doesn’t let Gates away from a person with strength and independence.(有了例子做论据，但是没有明确的论证过程，就是说，为什么奢华的生活没有改变Bill Gates？)

Then, finding the value of their own is one of the most significant factors in developing into truly strong private person, especially when she lives in this extravagant and convenient life. In our daily life, we face to many troubles we should work out, however, if a female who haven't discovered her value had to solve the problem, she will be vulnerable, although she is able to settle the matter, because she, a normal woman without confidence, don't（doesn’t） firmly believe she can do this. After uncountable failures, I believe the woman couldn't develop into a truly powerful and freedom person, even she does not live in a life with internet, cars, planes and iPhone（iPhones）. But if a person who has already noticed his value, no matter if he lives in a convenient contemporary life, he will be successful in achieving a strong heart by confidence and success. Besides finding their value can make them grow into really powerful and freedom people, support from the people around you, especially from your friend can also let you achieve the same aim. （找寻自我价值固然很重要，但是这个自我价值也受环境影响的，而且什么样的自我价值是正确的自由价值，我想这一点是不是也需要考虑一下呢？就是感觉没有说透，可能我想多了）

Finally, it is true that a person lives in a contemporary life with high technology and innumerable attractions which will lure her; furthermore the prediction that these enticements will make her far away from becoming a truly strong and independent individual is not unfounded. （让步） But unless she live alone and stay in a place with nothing but herself, she won't find a place with no attraction in our society, so whether you live in a luxury life is not a primary things, attitude toward the life full of luxuries and convenience and what we do in this kind of life are determinant, this kind of life couldn't prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individuals. （个人感觉这段的论述比较好，论证过程比较清楚。）
对中心论题有个自己的看法，能够针对自己的看法展开，语言总体还行，就是句子太长的话容易出错，其实多用用短句也行。我想作者考虑的他因可以作为乱点，但是需要更加有力的论述。

2012 fall