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[习作点评] 【NINE小组】第八次作业—by Amber(更新修改版I&A） [复制链接]

amber_c
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2011-8-25 18:02:06 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由 amber_c 于 2011-8-29 11:26 编辑

It has been long known a person who is given excessive power will eventually tend to dictatorship, especially in the case without any oversight. As taxpayers, people, in a democratic society, surely hold the right to be informed about the leader's motives and agenda and to supervise political leaders and their government. Nevertheless, full disclosure might risk throwing the nation and its people in to danger, since nowadays terrorist attacks and other threatening activities are increasingly serious. Therefore, I strongly endorse the opinion that it is sometimes necessary, even desirable, for political leaders to conceal information from the public.

To be a democratic and sophisticated government, political leadership calls for forthrightness as to what policy would be carried out, what the motives are, and other information about privacy, such as agenda. Because deceit and withholding can earn a political leader nothing but query and distrust. What is more, reactionaries will take advantages of such an opaque political condition and make the whole country fall into upheaval, even in wars, by demagoguery. Just consider the typical examples of feudal dynasties in the long history of China. Monarchs who attempted to maintain their powers and ulteriorly manipulate their people by deceiving and concealing, were proved to be severely wrong after their being overthrowing. Moreover, constitution endues people the right to know. Effective democratic supervision helps a lot to avoid and reduce corruption and malfeasance.

To think deeper, however, the requirement of pure forthrightness is irrational and adverse. Undue revelation might set the public in a dangerous case. If the United States government released the information, prior to actions, about a plan to apprehend Saddam Hussein, the security of America and its citizenry would be threatened while the objective would have a chance to escape from punishment. Otherwise, moderate concealing to the public is also of significant benefit for avoiding the public panic. I cannot imagine what will happen if the government confirms 2012 as the end of the world and immediately informs its people. There is no denying that an immeasurable number of people will die from accidents, such as stampede, due to mass panic and depression. As a result, a would-have-been natural disaster will become a man-made one. Evidently,

From the perspective of personal interests, a political leader, who shows the information, in the nude, to the public, will be considered as immature and be assailed for his or her vulnerability by the political opponents. To gain and consolidate political leadership, it is essential for a leader to withhold information, from the public, about personal foibles, sociable defects, and detailed private life. As media has become an influential factor, which could not be ignored, in an election, the flaws of a candidate will be unfairly enlarged, which might mislead voters and lead to a completely different result.

All in all, government and political leaders should strike a balance in the extent to which they disclose to the public while citizenry cannot require complete disclosure and should reasonably employ rights. Because the ultimate purpose of moderate withholding is to ensure the security and interests of the public and even the nation.

相关帖子 Updated by 2024.11.10

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amber_c
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沙发

发表于 2011-8-26 20:06:40 |只看该作者

The speaker concludes that through eating plant beneficia absenteeism can be decreased in schools and workplaces. To support the conclusion, the speaker cites a study made in East Meria(EM). In EM, consumption of the plant beneficia is very high and most of the residents seldom catch a cold all the year round, which are considered as cause and effect. And the reason for absence, according to the speaker, is cold. However, several unsubstantiated aspects tends to undermine the conclusion.

First of all, the speaker unfairly claims that high intake of beneficia is conducive to preventing cold. The phenomenon that residents in EM visit the doctor for cold once or twice per year might be explained in different ways. For example, they keep daily practice to improve their immunity. Or perhaps there are certain safeguard measures in EM during the period where people are susceptible to catch a cold. And the possibility, that the residents have a folk remedy to cure cold so that they need not see a doctor, cannot excluded without any evidence. Therefore, the conclusion cannot convince me at all unless the speaker provides clear evidence to eliminate the possible reasons.

Even if taking beneficia authentically has a positive effect on preventing cold in EM, it does not mean effectiveness in other places. It is really possible that beneficia works in the assistance of another kind of food, which is as popular as beneficia in EM. If such a focus is neglected, no matter how much beneficia people outside EM consume, it will have no effect on preventing cold. And reduction in absenteeism cannot be ensured at all——let alone dramatic decreasing.

Furthermore, it is of no evidence to assert that cold has become the frequent reason for absenteeism. Catching a cold might be an excuse, not a reason. From experience, cold is the most appropriate excuse, usually coming to our minds immediately, if we need one. In other words, if people ask for leave in the name of cold not for real cold, but for other things, then “cold” would not disappear even if eating beneficia indeed make a sense. Without specific statistics showing that cold is not an excuse in most cases, the assertion will inevitably suffer query.

To sum up, the speaker should provide more reliable evidence in order to exclude other possible reasons for preventing cold. And to be better convinced, we need to know that the common reason for absence is real cold and that beneficia will operate in the same way in other areas, as in EM.

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

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wywcgs
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板凳

发表于 2011-8-26 22:13:54 |只看该作者

It has been long known a person who is given excessive power will eventually tend to dictatorship, especially in the case without any oversight. As taxpayers, people, in a democratic society, surely hold the right to be informed about the leader's motives and agenda and to supervise political leaders and their government. Nevertheless, full disclosure might risk throwing the nation and its people in to (去掉) danger, since nowadays terrorist attacks and other threatening activities are increasingly serious. Therefore, I strongly endorse the opinion that it is sometimes necessary, even desirable, for political leaders to conceal information from the public.

To be a democratic and sophisticated government, political leadership calls for forthrightness as to what policy would be carried out, what the motives are, and other information about privacy, such as agenda. Because deceit and withholding can earn a political leader nothing but query (在我理解query貌似是中性词？如果是贬义应该可以用reproach之类) and distrust. What is more, reactionaries will take advantages of such an opaque political condition and make the whole country fall into upheaval, even in wars, by demagoguery. Just consider the typical examples of feudal dynasties in the long history of China. Monarchs who attempted to maintain their powers and ulteriorly (打错了？我甚至看不出来“原型”是哪个词) manipulate their people by deceiving and concealing, were proved to be severely wrong after their being overthrowing (overthrow?). Moreover, constitution endues people the right to know. Effective democratic supervision helps a lot to avoid and reduce corruption and malfeasance.
(
1.
我总觉得对那个中国朝代的例子缺少进一步分析，就像是例子列出来，然后就完了。比如我觉得可以接着写：他们认为对人民保密是必要的，但是最后正是保密导致了社会的混乱。等等。
2.
感觉你这段的逻辑不太紧密，说几句就跑到了另一个关系不大的因素上。而你的例子却只能对应其中的一个。所以我觉得这样会使得整段的结构不严谨。个人觉得挑其中一个原因细致展开会更好。
)

To think deeper, however, the requirement of pure forthrightness is irrational and adverse. Undue revelation might set the public in a dangerous case. If the United States government released the information, prior to actions, about a plan to apprehend Saddam Hussein, the security of America and its citizenry would be threatened while the objective would have a chance to escape from punishment. Otherwise, moderate concealing to the public is also of significant benefit for avoiding the public panic. I cannot imagine what will happen if the government confirms 2012 as the end of the world and immediately informs its people. There is no denying that an immeasurable number of people will die from accidents, such as stampede, due to mass panic and depression. As a result, a would-have-been natural disaster will become a man-made one. Evidently, (这是什么？)
(
这段看起来像是两个不同论点——直言不讳的坏处 & 有保留的好处——融合在一起？虽说这两个的意思是差不多的，但是终究还是有区别的吧。我觉得一段还是写一个比较好。再加上看过下面一段，你好像还是在说有保留的好处，我觉得这两段可以改一下结构，相同的意群并到一起。
)

From the perspective of personal interests, a political leader, who shows the information, in the nude, to the public, will be considered as immature and be assailed for his or her vulnerability by the political opponents. To gain and consolidate political leadership, it is essential for a leader to withhold information, from the public, about personal foibles, sociable defects, and detailed private life. As media has become an influential factor, which could not be ignored, in an election, the flaws of a candidate will be unfairly enlarged, which might mislead voters and lead to a completely different result.

All in all, government and political leaders should strike a balance in the extent to which they disclose to the public while citizenry cannot require complete disclosure and should reasonably employ rights. Because the ultimate purpose of moderate withholding is to ensure the security and interests of the public and even the nation.

嗯。措辞什么的就不改了，你的水平远高于我，我基本没什么好说了。
不过结构方面，总觉得这篇文章的结构不严谨，段落之间的逻辑很松散，还有论点相重叠的现象。给人的感觉像是没有规划好的样子。
还有，我觉得你揭示中心的应该是首段末句吧。也就是说你倾向于同意掩蔽信息。那么我觉得你说掩蔽信息不好的第二段就应该往后放，因为你着重强调的是掩蔽信息necessary和desirable的地方，而不是说他不好的地方。这一段的作用相当于让步，应该往后放，而且我觉得篇幅不宜过长。
你后面两个论述段逻辑松散，前面非重点的部分又靠得太前，所以总体的感觉是没有很好的说明中心。总体来讲，我感觉可能是写之前没想好，就像我上一次写的I&A一样（跑题了-_-），呃。
仅仅个人意见。

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amber_c
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地板

发表于 2011-8-27 11:36:41 |只看该作者

Mars，我的A审题错了~
有一个点写漏了~
等我修改完再给你改吧

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5楼

发表于 2011-8-28 08:25:58 |只看该作者

4# amber_c
啊…… 我还得向你道歉呢
这几天其实我这里网络一直不稳定，导致昨天没办法上网，今天特地早上来改……
那等今晚我改吧……

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6楼

发表于 2011-8-29 11:06:10 |只看该作者

Government officers given excessive power might cause adverse effect, especially in the case without any oversight. In a democratic society, taxpayers surely hold the right to be informed about the leaders’ motives and government daily operation. And to supervise political leaders and government is an obligation of each citizen. Nevertheless, full disclosure might risk throwing the nation and its people to danger. Nowadays terrorist attacks and other threatening activities are increasingly serious. Therefore, I strongly endorse the opinion that it is sometimes necessary, even desirable, for political leaders to conceal information from the public.

Taking the security of the public into consideration, the requirement of pure forthrightness is irrational and adverse. Undue revelation might set the public in a dangerous case. If the United States government released the information, prior to taking actions, about strategies to apprehend Saddam Hussein, the security of America and its citizenry would be threatened while the objective would have a chance to escape from punishment. Otherwise, moderate concealing to the public is also of significant benefit for avoiding the public panic. I cannot imagine what will happen if the government confirms 2012 as the end of the world and immediately informs its people. There is no denying that an immeasurable number of people will die from accidents, such as stampede, due to mass panic and depression. As a result, a would-have-been natural disaster will become a man-made one.

From the perspective of personal interests, it is not prudent for a political leader to show the information, in the nude, to the public. Because he or she will be considered as immature and be assailed for vulnerability by the political opponents. To gain and consolidate political leadership, it is essential for a leader to withhold information, from the public, about personal foibles, sociable defects, and detailed private life. As media has become an influential factor, which could not be ignored, in an election, the flaws of a candidate will be unnecessarily enlarged, misleading voters and leading to a completely different result.

Having recognized the importance of withholding, licit political leadership yet calls for moderate forthrightness. Information as to what policy would be carried out, what their motives are and so forth, should be known by the public. Deceit and withholding earns nothing but distrust. What is more, by demagoguery reactionaries will take advantages of such an opaque political condition and make the whole country fall into disturbance, even in wars. Just consider the typical examples of feudal dynasties in the long history of China. Monarchs attempted to maintain their power and manipulate their people, by burning books and burying the informed people to withhold negative but true information. As a consequence, they were proved to be highly wrong after their being overthrown. Moreover, constitution endues people the right to know. Effective democratic supervision helps a lot to avoid and reduce corruption and malfeasance.

All in all, government and political leaders should strike a balance in the extent to which they disclose to the public. Meanwhile, citizenry should not require complete disclosure and should employ rights in a reasonable way. Because the ultimate purpose of moderate withholding is to ensure the security and interests of the public and even the nation.

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amber_c
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7楼

发表于 2011-8-29 11:25:53 |只看该作者

The speaker concludes that through eating plant beneficia absenteeism can be decreased in schools and workplaces. To support the conclusion, the speaker cites a study made in East Meria(EM). In EM, consumption of the plant beneficia is very high and most of the residents seldom catch a cold all the year round, which is considered as cause and effect. And the reason for absence, according to the speaker, is cold. However, several unsubstantiated aspects tends to undermine the conclusion.

First of all, the speaker unfairly claims that high intake of beneficia is conducive to preventing cold. The phenomenon that residents in EM visit the doctor for cold once or twice per year might be explained in different ways. For example, they keep daily practice to improve their immunity. Or perhaps there are certain safeguard measures in EM during the period where people are susceptible to catch a cold. And the possibility, that the residents have a folk remedy to cure cold so that they need not see a doctor, cannot excluded without any evidence. Therefore, the conclusion cannot convince me at all unless the speaker provides clear evidence to eliminate the possible reasons.

Even if taking beneficia authentically has a positive effect on preventing cold in EM, it does not mean the same effectiveness by taking nutritional supplement derived from beneficia. There is no evidence showing what element in beneficia works in preventing cold. Thus it is highly possible that the nutrition supplement does not contain effective element as that in beneficia. If such a focus is neglected, no matter how much beneficia people outside EM consume, it will have no effect on preventing cold. And reduction in absenteeism cannot be ensured at all——let alone dramatic decreasing.

Furthermore, it is of no evidence to assert that cold has become the frequent reason for absenteeism. Catching a cold might be an excuse, not a reason. From experience, cold is the most appropriate excuse, usually coming to our minds immediately, if we need one. In other words, if people ask for leave in the name of cold not for real cold, but for other things, then “cold” would not disappear even if eating beneficia indeed make a sense. Without specific statistics showing that cold is not an excuse in most cases, the assertion will inevitably suffer query.

To sum up, the speaker should provide more reliable evidence in order to exclude other possible reasons for preventing cold. And to be better convinced, we need to know that the common reason for absence is real cold and that the nutritional supplement has the same elements as those in beneficia.

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8楼

发表于 2011-8-29 12:04:41 |只看该作者

给自己拍拍掌！

本帖最后由 panmingming2008 于 2011-8-29 13:37 编辑

6# amber_c
你的intro段（含中心论点）及conclusion段写作漂亮！
至于为什么写得好，你回去自己琢磨：）

其他部分结构也蛮清晰。body三段依照“正-正（支持中心论点）-反（考虑另一方面）” 的推理线路展现了观点，考虑了复杂性，即两面兼顾。

给自己拍拍掌！

（你改同学的习作也活学活用讲到的写作理论。掌声也给小组其他辛勤的同学。learning by doing & learning by peer reading会让你运用理论，并把作者、读者角色互换--了解读者的需要，而不是自以为“是”--而读者cannot get it.）

下面的故事我几年前第一次读到，一直很喜欢，并时常勉励自己要lay a deep and solid foundation on rock not on sand. 送给你和其他孩子：

The Wise and Foolish Builders

Why do you call me, ' Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say? I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice. He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete. [proofread 已核对无误]

问我，考我，检验我的话，以便改善你自己！

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