寄托家园留学论坛 › 论坛 › 寄托学术类备考版 › GRE作文互动版 › ISSUE 91 求拍，思路上感觉不够开阔

返回列表

查看: 2004|回复: 4

[i习作temp] ISSUE 91 求拍，思路上感觉不够开阔 [复制链接]

niuniua
UID: 3274179

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 14
寄托币: 152
注册时间: 2012-3-16
精华: 0
帖子: 18

电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2012-6-2 10:24:16 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由 niuniua 于 2012-6-2 10:31 编辑

91) The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that they have more leisure time.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

Response:

What'sthe primary goal of the technological advancement?The writer claim in abovestatement that it should be to increase people's efficiency so thatthey have more leisure time.Let me judge this statement a little later.In myopinion ,all the advancements of our human beings should focus on improvingpeople's sense of happiness.Generally speaking ,I agree with the writer's point.

Inmodern technology,many things have achieve this primary goal .Car as the mostomnipresent evidence that increase our efficiency have make our transportationfaster so that we can spend much less time to move to another place from oneplace than did we in the past.Throughthis way , we save time and get more time concentrating on more importantthings.Email is another obvious case.We no more need to wait for a friend'smail for several weeks with the help ofemail.In this way ,our thought can be passed to others within a few seconds.

Butwriter thinks that increasing people's efficiency is to get more leisure time,Idon't think so.Conceding that increasing people's efficiency do have the effectto make people have more leisure time and some people do want to get moreleisure time to enjoy their life.But as the primary goal of technology advancement, I think our goal is not limited to get more leisure time.All wedid ,in my opinion , is to promote the progress of human's civilization.This is actually the ultimate goal.My point isnot saying that leisure time is not necessary but rather leisure time is not socrucial comparing with human's progress.Thus to a certain degree we human beings is even becoming more tired while efficiency is increasing because valid things which we deal with every dayhave been doubled at the same time.But can we say that technological advancement have not complete its mission because of this fact?Sure,the answer is no.

To sumup,I think the primary goal of the technological advancement can be regarded as increasing our efficiency,but the ultimate goal is not to make people have more leisure time as I haveanalyzed above.

基本的拼写已经检查了一遍，用词也略修改过，欢迎进一步修改~~

相关帖子 Updated by 2024.11.08

回应
0

使用道具举报

niuniua
UID: 3274179

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 14
寄托币: 152
注册时间: 2012-3-16
精华: 0
帖子: 18

沙发

发表于 2012-6-2 10:29:51 |只看该作者

格式我改了好几遍。。发前还是正确的，发后就这样了，啥意思。。

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

使用道具举报

rippersean
UID: 2523263

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 15
寄托币: 260
注册时间: 2008-7-28
精华: 0
帖子: 28

板凳

发表于 2012-6-2 20:19:43 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 rippersean 于 2012-6-2 20:26 编辑

What's the primary goal of the technologicaladvancement? The writer claims in above statementthat it should be to increase people's efficiency so that they have moreleisure time. Let me judge this statement alittle later.这句话很突兀，加上去感觉不流畅。 In my opinion ,all the advancements of our human beings should focuson improving people's sense of happiness. Generallyspeaking ,I agree with the writer's point.
开头说是Iagree，怎么后面第三段就成不同意了？这里应该说partly agree吧，即只同意前半部分。
In modern technology, many things have achieve this primarygoal .Carsas the most omnipresent evidence that increase our efficiency have make made ourtransportation faster so that we can spend much lesstime tomoveon moving to another place from one placethan didwewe did in the past. Through thisway , we save time and get more time concentrating on more important things. Emailis another obvious case. We no more need to wait for afriend'smail for several weeks with the help of email. Inthis way ,our thought can be passed to others within a few seconds.
这段只有第一句话是论证，其余全是举例。我建议应该按照摆观点—论证（定义本质）--举例—反说，这样来写才有说服性。
But the writer thinks that increasingpeople's efficiency is to get more leisure time, and I don'tthink so.Conceding that increasing people's efficiency do have the effect tomake people have having more leisuretime and some people do want to get more leisure time toenjoy their life. But as the primary goal of technologyadvancement, I think our goal is not limited to getting more leisuretime. Allwe did,in my opinion , is to promote the progress of human's civilization. Thisis actually the ultimate goal. My point is not saying thatleisure time is not necessary but rather leisure time is not so crucialcomparing with human's progress. Thus to a certain degree we humanbeings isare even becoming more tired whileefficiency is increasing because valid things which we deal with every day havebeen doubled at the same time. But can we say that technologicaladvancement have not complete its mission because of this fact? Sure,theanswer is no.
这段太长，可以从promotecivilization那里重启一段。之前说的是否定leisure time，后面一段说推进文明，方法应该还是上面的方法
To sum up, I think theprimary goal of the technological advancement can be regarded as increasing ourefficiency, but the ultimate goal is not to makepeople have more leisure time as I have analyzed above.

通篇：语言不流畅，感觉从句都比较生硬，口语化太多，单复数拼写有好几处错误。这篇确实比较难写，能挖掘的东西不多。之前写的那篇是这样列提纲：
1、科技使人类提高效率（XXX）
2、科技不是增加leisure time的。如果是的话，那现在科技这么发达，为啥人还忙忙碌碌的。
3、科技的本意推进文化、发展人类的。科技是在发展中实质是增加了leisure的种类，是人能从work 中快速恢复，以达到更高的效率。这样看看楼主能不能用上一些这里的想法。有个西卡鲁写issue方法的资料挺好的，楼主可以看看里面的方法。他里面就是介绍了一套论证方法。
第一次改文章，不足之处请见谅。

已有 1 人评分	寄托币	声望	收起理由
okqishi	+ 5	+ 2	thx

总评分: 寄托币 + 5 声望 + 2 查看全部投币

使用道具举报

niuniua
UID: 3274179

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 14
寄托币: 152
注册时间: 2012-3-16
精华: 0
帖子: 18

地板

发表于 2012-6-2 20:48:48 |只看该作者

3# rippersean

获益匪浅，口语化的确很严重，你说的那个论证结构确实很不错额，这样一想思路清晰不少，并且又能把内容充实一些了~谢谢

使用道具举报

rippersean
UID: 2523263

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 15
寄托币: 260
注册时间: 2008-7-28
精华: 0
帖子: 28

5楼

发表于 2012-6-2 23:42:24 |只看该作者

4# niuniua 不客气，反正我进行剖析issue的时候有一个要点，如果题干很短的话我就抓住其中几个比较模糊的或者是关键的词进行讨论。讨论讨论着东西就慢慢出来了。就像这个，technology, leisure, primary goal等等。。嘿嘿，楼主可以试试其他的题，不过这样子可能会容易写成argu，注意还是以论证为主，千万别弄成挑错了。。