寄托家园留学论坛 › 论坛 › 寄托学术类备考版 › GRE作文互动版 › 大家帮忙点评一下issue吧

返回列表

查看: 1097|回复: 5

[i习作temp] 大家帮忙点评一下issue吧 [复制链接]

leo_chen
UID：206840

中级会员

Rank: 4

声望: 0
寄托币: 1158
注册时间: 2005-4-23
精华: 0
帖子: 24

电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2005-5-4 21:29:47 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

砖头越猛烈越好。
今天第一篇，一共花了5个小时，有22个语法错误。呜呜～～
怎么提高

In Britain, the senior citizens live with other aged people favored by special nurses.  Sometimes, the government should pay the cost.

Outline:
1.       Thesis topic
2.       The advantage of caring aged in home
a)       Ethic reasons
b)       The happiness from the family tie
3.       Nursing the old in home is inefficient in the modern society
a)       Specialization improves the efficiency
b)       The young couple in China has not enough ability to care all of their parents individually.
4.       Government should take enough responsibility in the aged society
a)       The reason of nursery was proposed in history.
5.       Conclusion

Words: 599
Time: about 4 hours
Spelling error: 22

In the era of aged society, it is a controversial problem presented to the young citizens on how to care their aged parents in home or in the special nursing organizations.  As far as I concerned, the most important criteria to evaluate the two choices is to achieve maximum overall satisfaction in the society, rather than treats the problem partial.

It is true that taking care of aged parents in home will enhance the family tie cross the generations, which brings the family happiness of love to each member in a family.  Family happiness means a pleasurable experience by the emotional connection between parents and their children, and likewise between husband and wife.  According to the traditional ethic, the aged parents should be cared carefully and comfortably by their children until the last minute in the world, just as they cultivated their children from a naive baby to a successful person in the world.  Therefore, the responsibility of nursing older is one of most valuable merits which we advocate, in that it encourages adults to take care other weak when they are strong and to be feed by others when they are young and aged.

However, it is not efficient to take care older in home, in that most of families lack professional skills to nurse their aged parents effective.  On the one hand, only a few adults whose works are nursing or house-hold received professional training in caring older. Most of other adults in other professions should concentrate all their energy on their jobs to improve the work efficiency and also to earn enough money to maintain the development of a family.  So it is not reasonable to require those adults to offer better services by professional nurses to their aged parents, such as nutritional diets, health direction and psychological comfort.  On the other hand, even if the young couple has the strong willing to care their parents themselves, the changed situation will consume all of spare time of young couples in China.  Today, due to the nation-wide population control policy 25 years ago, a typical Chinese young couple must support 4 old parents individually: father, mother, father-in-law and mother-in-law, besides their coming baby, which is dramatically different from the problem before that the aged can be cared by more than one family together.  Therefore, an available solution should be proposed to cover this challenging problem in the current aged society.

In addition, the government should take enough responsibilities to take care of the olds, as well as to improve the working productivity of the society.  The mission of government is to offer its citizens a beautiful and harmony environment by handling all kinds of problems inside and outside.  In the age of industrialization, to meet the increased demanding on labor, nursery was invented to help young mothers focused on their work without the worry on their babies.  As the same, to meet the serious problem in the aged society today, government should establish enough qualified institutions for the old to enjoy their life and also provide a supportive environment for the adults in work.

To sum up, the best solution should consider the happiness from emotion and material, as well as the benefits both from aged citizens and from adults, since happiness comes from the satisfaction of every member in our society.  Therefore, it is highly recommended if the government establishes comfortable professional nursing organization for the aged parents when their children are concentrating on their work; and the young adults take their old parents back home in the weekend, to enjoy the happiness of family together.

[ Last edited by leo_chen on 2005-5-4 at 21:32 ]

回应
0

使用道具举报

Dendis
UID：158017

元老版主

Rank: 11

声望: 22
寄托币: 44430
注册时间: 2004-3-12
精华: 38
帖子: 42

沙发

发表于 2005-5-4 21:44:31 |只看该作者

似乎发错版了吧，^_^

帮你转到作文版了

If I'm who I am because I'm who I am and you're who you are because you are who you are, then I'm who I am and you're who you are.

If,on the other hand, I'm who I am because you're who you are, and if you are who you are because I'm who I am, then I'm not who I am and you're not who you are.

使用道具举报

sophyw
UID：203712

中级会员

Rank: 4

声望: 0
寄托币: 2459
注册时间: 2005-4-1
精华: 0
帖子: 3

板凳

发表于 2005-5-5 10:07:00 |只看该作者

请问批注的时候怎么插入性批注啊? 不会 :(

[ Last edited by sophyw on 2005-5-5 at 10:11 ]

使用道具举报

sophyw
UID：203712

中级会员

Rank: 4

声望: 0
寄托币: 2459
注册时间: 2005-4-1
精华: 0
帖子: 3

地板

发表于 2005-5-5 10:27:45 |只看该作者

现看这么多吧,嘻嘻,觉得有点off-topic,题目中第一句话: 是一个事实,可是作者大篇幅的论证了原因,个人意见只要陈述一个事实就可以了,没有必要两个大段都究其原因

第二句话:政府应该资助,个人感觉应该展开写,这个题目的中心思想在于因为有这个事实存在,所以我们采取什么策略,政府应该采取马?为什么? 不应该吗?又为什么?
我想这才是论证的重点

个人意见,仅供参考:)

In the era of aged society, it is a controversial problem presented to the young citizens on how to care their aged parents in(at) home or in the special nursing organizations.  As far as I concerned, the most important criteria to evaluate the two choices is to achieve maximum overall satisfaction in the society, rather than treats the problem partial.(partially)

感觉这一段和本段的TS有点跑哦,ts说增加亲情,到后面怎么变成了因为老人养过我们,所以我们要赡养老人,不明白,至少本段的总结应该和ts对应呀
It is true that taking care of aged parents in(at) home will enhance the family tie(??动词?) cross the generations, which brings the family happiness of love to each member in a family(去掉).  Family happiness means a pleasurable experience by the emotional connection between parents and their children, and likewise between husband and wife.  According to the traditional ethic, the aged parents should be cared carefully and comfortably by their children until the last minute in the world, just as they cultivated their children from a naive baby to a successful person in the world(去掉).  Therefore, the responsibility of nursing older is one of most valuable merits which we advocate, in that it encourages adults to take care(of) other weak when they are strong and to be feed by others when they are young(这个词能说明是孩子吗?怎么感觉也很strong啊?) and aged.

However, it is not efficient(inefficient) to take care older in(at) home, in that most of families lack professional skills to nurse their aged parents effective(effectively).  On the (去掉)one hand, only a few adults whose works(work,不可数) are nursing or house-hold received professional training in caring older. Most of other adults in other professions should concentrate all their energy on their jobs to improve the work efficiency and also to earn enough money to maintain the development of a family.  So it is not reasonable to require those adults to offer better services by professional nurses to their aged parents, such as nutritional diets, health direction and psychological comfort.  On the other hand, even if the young couple has the strong willing to care their parents themselves, the changed situation will consume all of spare time of young couples in China.  Today, due to the nation-wide population control policy 25 years ago, a typical Chinese young couple must support 4 old parents individually: father, mother, father-in-law and mother-in-law, besides their coming baby, which is dramatically different from the problem before that the aged can be cared by more than one family together.  Therefore, an available solution should be proposed to cover this challenging problem in the current aged society.

In addition, the government should take enough responsibilities to take care of the olds, as well as to improve the working productivity of the society.  The mission of government is to offer its citizens a beautiful and harmony environment by handling all kinds of problems inside and outside.  In the age of industrialization, to meet the increased demanding on labor, nursery was invented to help young mothers focused on their work without the worry on their babies.  As the same, to meet the serious problem in the aged society today, government should establish enough qualified institutions for the old to enjoy their life and also provide a supportive environment for the adults in work.

To sum up, the best solution should consider the happiness from emotion and material, as well as the benefits both from aged citizens and from adults, since happiness comes from the satisfaction of every member in our society.  Therefore, it is highly recommended if the government establishes comfortable professional nursing organization for the aged parents when their children are concentrating on their work; and the young adults take their old parents back home in the weekend, to enjoy the happiness of family together.

使用道具举报

leo_chen
UID：206840

中级会员

Rank: 4

声望: 0
寄托币: 1158
注册时间: 2005-4-23
精华: 0
帖子: 24

5楼

发表于 2005-5-6 18:04:06 |只看该作者

Originally posted by sophyw at 2005-5-5 10:27
现看这么多吧,嘻嘻,觉得有点off-topic,题目中第一句话: 是一个事实,可是作者大篇幅的论证了原因,个人意见只要陈述一个事实就可以了,没有必要两个大段都究其原因

第二句话:政府应该资助,个人感觉应该 ...

多谢了,被拍得很服气.:L
另外"没有必要两个大段都究其原因"是什么意思啊?

使用道具举报