[经典批改讨论] issue83【米国有米】小组第2次作业请大家多多指教啊 [复制链接]

IloveMorgan
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电梯直达

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发表于 2007-1-20 18:43:48 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

I strongly agree with the speaker's assertion that government should maintain publicly owned wilderness in their natural state, no matter how remote and accessible to only a few of people,because these areas have alot of benefits of doing history、biological and other formals of reserch. However,not only government, but others also have their own responsibility to protect these areas in that earth is our mutual mother.
  To begin with, in such protect areas, it has a significant meaning for reserchers for reserch of biology and history of human etc. Reserchers are likely to continue to seek the answers of the origination and evoluation of life. Such things as chinese historian found our ancestor-  anthropoid relic in a remote area called Zhou kou Mountain. And laterly studied their bones from doing this, we find how our organs evoluated, what habit we have before, and countinue studying of their ecological system which may have effect on protecting our living circumstance. If the government of that time don't do enough things to preserve wilderness and publicly owned areas.I believe that medical and our living standard would be worse than todays' Because of that we need to find more in-direct evidence to prove our evolution and biological understaning, and making benefits for them will be a big task what is costly and lastingly.
  However, under the contemporary time, the firstly appeared in most people's eyes is money.With money, they can do anything, without money, they could do nothing. They chase for their instant benefits, not to the long range. For instance, in most areas of contemporary china, a remote areas means building factories and commercial houses. It dramatically destroied these publicly owned wilderness areas. Deteroriating scientific reserch of historical and evolutional etc. It will be serious like what I mentioned before. Because in such remote areas things are retained of natural state, reserch will be a easy thing as reading books, is lost some pages books easy to read or the whole one easier to read? The answer absolutely is the latter one. Not only the government, but also the common people should have their responsibility, and long range to do protect these areas, dont build houses or factories on these areas, for our communal goals, to protect them for doing more benefical reserchs.
  Nevertheless, actually say, government, a policy making administration, their responsibility can not be omitted, if chinese government can put lots of investment on protecting it, the result would bebetter. In a village of Jilin Province. There is only 50000 dollars for protecting a wilderness area. Studing bilogical and evolution of us has a significant benefits, if we don't take good care of them, may next disappeared will be us as the same as some disappeared animals and ecological circumstance.
  In sum, I stronly agree with the author's speaking, but not the government, also our common people should take our responsiblity to protect these areas, for our living, and future.

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苡儿
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沙发

发表于 2007-1-20 21:34:51 |只看该作者

我先占个位，明天来学学你的文章。
谢谢你上次的点评。

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blackswitch
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板凳

发表于 2007-1-22 22:31:45 |只看该作者

Issue 83
I strongly agree with the speaker's assertion that government should maintain publicly owned wilderness in their natural state, no matter how remote and accessible to only a few of people, because these areas have a lot of benefits of doing history、biological [ biology]and other formals of research. However, not only government, but others also have their own responsibility to protect these areas in that earth is our mutual mother.
  To begin with, in such protect areas,[这个用法不是很理解] it has a significant meaning for researchers for reserch [感觉两个research 离得太近了，可以改成the research of biologists and human being historians] of biology and history of human etc. Reserchers are likely to continue to seek the answers of the origination and evoluation of life.[觉得这句话和前面的不是很连贯，可以加个过渡句，] Such things as chinese historian found our ancestor-  anthropoid relic in a remote area called Zhou kou Mountain. And latterly studied their bones from doing this, [觉得这句话的结构有点乱，我知道你的意思，我觉得可以这样说，through studying their bones,]we find how our organs evoluated,[evolve] what habit we have before, and countinue [following ]studying of their ecological system which[去掉] may have effect on protecting our living circumstance. If the government of that time don't do enough things to preserve wilderness and publicly owned areas. I believe that medical and our living standard would be worse than todays'. [阿？这句话和前面的例子有什么关系呢？和后面的论证又有什么关系呢？]Because of that we need to find more in-direct evidence to prove our evolution and biological understaning, and making benefits for them will be a big task what is costly and lastingly.
  However, under the contemporary time, the firstly appeared in most people's eyes is money. With money, they can do anything, without money, they could do nothing. They chase for their instant benefits, not to the long range. [我觉得这段的开头，绕得太远了，个人认为还是直接把观点摆出来比较好]For instance, in most areas of contemporary china, a remote areas means building factories and commercial houses. It dramatically destroyed these publicly owned wilderness areas. Deteroriating scientific research[research] of historical and evolutional[这里应该是用名词吧] etc. It will be serious like what I mentioned before. Because in such remote areas things are retained of natural state, reserch will be a easy thing as reading books, is lost some pages books easy to read or the whole one easier to read? [这句话分成两个层次来写应该更好些]The answer absolutely is the latter one. Not only the government, but also the common people should have their responsibility, and long range to do protect these areas, dont build houses or factories on these areas, for our communal goals, to protect them for doing more benefical reserchs[这个词总是拼错：]
[明白作者要表达的意思，但是在这段中作者没有标明自己的鲜明的观点，依我看来，就是从方面来说，如果荒野遭到破坏会有什么样的后果了。这段中很多句子还需要作者再斟酌，感觉还没有恰当的表达作者的意思]
  Nevertheless, actually say, [不知道可不可以这样表达，没有见过，]government, a policy making administration, their [前面已经有government了，还用their]responsibility can not be omitted, if chinese [Chinese]government can put lots of investment on protecting it, the result would be better. In a village of Jilin Province. There is only 50000 dollars for protecting a wilderness area. Studing bilogical and evolution of us has a significant benefits, if we don't take good care of them, may next disappeared will be us as the same as some disappeared animals and ecological circumstance.[这段的例子很好，但是需要用一些措辞将例子和观点联系起来。另外提名讨论的是应该还是不应该保护荒野地区，而这段写的是政府的投入不够，感觉不是很切题。如果换成因为政府的投入不够，对环境什么的造成影响那还是可以的]
  In sum, I strongly[strongly] agree with the author's speaking, but not the government, also our common people should take our responsiblity to protect these areas, for our living, and future.
[觉得总结和全文不是很一致，因为本文是在说保护的重要性，并没有强调个人和政府都该有责任。所以应该换一种说法。]
[我想这篇应该是作者的限时作文吧。觉得很多句子都还需要再修改一下，在行文的逻辑上也还需要再调整]

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nostrum
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地板

发表于 2007-1-23 02:47:54 |只看该作者

blackswitch给改得很好，不重复同一问题

I strongly agree with the speaker's assertion that government should maintain publicly owned wilderness in their natural state, no matter how remote and accessible to only a few of people,because these areas have alot of benefits of doing history、biological and other formals of reserch. However,not only government, but others also have their own responsibility to protect these areas in that earth is our mutual mother.
保险的开头模式
  To begin with, in such protect areas, it has a significant meaning for reserchers删 for reserch of biology and history of human etc. Reserchers are likely to continue to seek the answers of the origination and evoluation of life. Such things as chinese historian found our ancestor-  anthropoid relic in a remote area called Zhou kou Mountain. And laterly studied their bones from doing this, we find how our organs evoluated, what habit we have before, and countinue studying of their ecological system which may have effect on protecting our living circumstance. If the government of that time don't do enough things to preserve wilderness and publicly owned areas.I believe主观性表达，尽量避免 that medical and our living standard would be worse than todays' Because of that we need to find more in-direct evidence to prove our evolution and biological understaning, and making benefits for them will be a big task what is costly and lastingly.

However, under the contemporary time, the firstly appeared in most people's eyes is money.With money, they can do anything, without money, they could do nothing. 这个作为TS有点糟糕，这个句子本身价值观就有问题They chase for their instant benefits, not to the long range. For instance, in most areas of contemporary china, a remote areas means building factories and commercial houses. It dramatically destroied these publicly owned wilderness areas. Deteroriating scientific reserch of historical and evolutional etc. It will be serious like what I mentioned before. Because in such remote areas things are retained of natural state, reserch will be a easy thing as reading books, is lost some pages books easy to read or the whole one easier to read? The answer absolutely is the latter one. Not only the government, but also the common people should have their responsibility, and long range to do protect these areas, dont build houses or factories on these areas, for our communal goals, to protect them for doing more benefical reserchs.
本段论述没有说服力，构不成因果关系，再想
  Nevertheless, actually say, government, a policy making administration, their responsibility can not be omitted, if chinese government can put lots of investment on protecting it, the result would bebetter. In a village of Jilin Province. There is only 50000 dollars for protecting a wilderness area. Studing bilogical and evolution of us has a significant benefits, if we don't take good care of them, may next disappeared will be us as the same as some disappeared animals and ecological circumstance.
  In sum, I stronly agree with the author's speaking, but not the government, also our common people should take our responsiblity to protect these areas, for our living, and future.
三段论述的部分都意犹未尽，blackswitch改得很中肯，仔细看看他的意见，主要问题都指出来了

参考提纲：
1)to the environment's sake, it is necessary to do so . leaving some pristine not polluted surrounding to the posterity, and remain the last resident to the prosecuted and protected animals.
(2)for the economic's sake, reserving the wildness can conserve some of the race that it may perhaps porfitive in the use beyond nowadays our research's ability for the future.
(3)in order to presever the widerness not to dig out to be a place of interest, there is no need to be comvenient to access. on the other hand, the more remote and unacessible it is, the more significance effect it can attain.
(4)so the government should keep an eye on the protection on the wildness

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