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[a习作temp] argument218(请高人指点：所找的错误是否合理，重点是否突出，布局谋篇怎样) [复制链接]

anta
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电梯直达

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发表于 2005-7-28 04:04:48 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

Argument218

The following appeared in a memorandum from the president of Hyper-Go Toy Company.
'Last year, sales of our Fierce Fighter toy airplane declined sharply, even though the toy had been a top seller for three years. Our customer surveys show that parents are now more worried about youthful violence and are concerned about better education for their children. Therefore, to maintain profits we should discontinue all our action toys and focus exclusively on a new line of educational toys. Several other toy companies have already begun marketing educational toys and report sales increases last year of 200 percent. And since the average family income is growing, sales of new Hyper-Go toys should also increase.'

限时内没完成，共用了50分钟，自己修改了拼写和语法。
恳请高人评议一下分数，分析一下我所指出的问题是否到位，文章结构是否清晰，重点是否突出。结尾总结如何。

In this memo, the president of Hyper-Go concludes that they should stop producing action toys, and instead focus exclusively on a new line of educational toys, and the sales of them will increase. To support his conclusion, the president points out that several other toy companies which begun marketing educational toys report sales increases of 200 percent last year. In addition, the arguer cites a customer survey showing that parents are concerned about better education for their children since they are more worried about youthful violence, and the sales of their Fierce Fighter toy airplane declined sharply after being three years top seller. This argument is based on an unwarranted assumption, and provides only partial information, together with a hasty generalization. Therefore, it is unconvincing.

To begin with, the argument provides partial information. Although several other toy companies, which began marketing educational toys, report sales increases last year of 200 percent, there is no evidence showing that these increases are from the sales of educational toys. It is possible that most of the profits are from selling traditional toys. Before the arguer could provide the comprehensive information, I would keep my doubt about the profit from selling educational toys.

Furthermore, the argument suffers from an unreliable assumption. The arguer reaches his conclusion that sales of new toys will automatically increase since the average family income is growing. Yet he provides no information about how families will use these increases. It is entirely possible that most families will use them for other things like travel, physical exercises. Also, under the condition that there are already several toy companies selling educational toys, Hyper-Go Company must compete with them. Whether it will profit from this competence is hard to say. Therefore, the arguer's conclusion that the sales of new Hyper-Go toys will increase is unwarranted.

Moreover, the reliability of the survey is doubtable. There is no detailed information about the survey about how it was conducted. For example, if there were only few respondents, then the sample is not representative enough to reflect the average opinions of the parents. And we don't know if it is random sampling, if not, it will undermine the reliability of the survey. Therefore, there is no sure sign that more parents would rather choose educational toys for their children. Even granted that, the arguer still commits a hasty generalization. Action toys are not as same as violence toys. Action airplane should be a very good kind of toys, which we could see from the three years best selling of them. Yet, the arguer falsely equates action toys with violence toys, which is very ungrounded and harmful to their strategies in producing productions. Also, the decline in selling Fierce Fighter toy airplane may be caused by some other reasons: the competence from similar products, the outmoded styles of those toy airplanes. Even if the toy airplane has some meaning of violence, it is not wise to stop producing all their all their action toys, for there are so many other kinds of action toys very suitable for children.

In sum, the argument is not convincing in that it provides no comprehensive information about the survey and the sales of the other companies, which began selling educational toys. The other main flaw in this argument is that the arguer reaches his conclusion based on unreliable assumptions, and the arguer concludes too hastily. To make it more convincing, the arguer should give us more information of those discussed above.

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沙发

发表于 2005-7-28 14:11:25 |只看该作者

拜托各位了！过了这么久，我的回复还是0，好伤心。
恳请各位指点一二，评一下文章存在的问题。

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Jianchuan
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板凳

发表于 2005-7-28 15:37:05 |只看该作者

那就不客气了. 也希望你来看看我的.

In this memo, the president of Hyper-Go concludes that they should stop producing action toys, and instead focus exclusively on a new line of educational toys, and the sales of them will increase. To support his conclusion, the president points out that several other toy companies which begun marketing educational toys report sales increases of 200 percent last year. In addition, the arguer cites a customer survey showing that parents are concerned about better education for their children since they are more worried about youthful violence, and the sales of their Fierce Fighter toy airplane declined sharply after being three years top seller. This argument is based on an unwarranted assumption, and provides only partial information, together with a hasty generalization. Therefore, it is unconvincing.

(按照逻辑错误出现的先后顺序组织段落是不错的选择.)To begin with, the argument provides partial information. Although several other toy companies, which began marketing educational toys, report sales increases last year of 200 percent, there is no evidence showing that these increases are from the sales of educational toys. (建议用"the mere fact that ___ does not necessary indicates that ___"将两句串起.) It is possible that most of the profits are from selling traditional toys. Before the arguer could provide the (the多余) comprehensive information, I would keep my doubt about the profit from selling educational toys.

Furthermore, the argument suffers from an unreliable assumption. The arguer reaches his conclusion that sales of new toys will automatically increase since the average family income is growing. Yet he provides no information about how families will use these increases. It is entirely possible that most families will use them for other things (purpose) like travel, physical exercises. Also, under the condition that there are already several toy companies selling educational toys, Hyper-Go Company must compete with them. Whether it will profit from this competence (competition?) is hard to say. Therefore, the arguer's conclusion that the sales of new Hyper-Go toys will increase is unwarranted.

Moreover, the reliability of the survey is doubtable. There is no detailed information about the survey about how it was conducted. For example, if there were only few respondents, then the sample is not representative enough to reflect the average opinions of the parents. And we don't know if it is random sampling, if not, it will undermine the reliability of the survey. Therefore, there is no sure sign that more parents would rather choose educational toys for their children. Even granted that, the arguer still commits a hasty generalization. Action toys are not as same as violence toys. Action airplane should be a very good kind of toys, which we could see from the three years best selling of them. Yet, the arguer falsely equates action toys with violence toys, which is very ungrounded and harmful to their strategies in producing productions. Also, the decline in selling Fierce Fighter toy airplane may be caused by some other reasons: the competence from similar products, the outmoded styles of those toy airplanes. Even if the toy airplane has some meaning of violence, it is not wise to stop producing all their all their action toys, for there are so many other kinds of action toys very suitable for children. (这一段不好改, 集中说一下. 如果原文没有披露survey的细节, 在有其他逻辑错误可批的情况下, 还是认定survey没问题比较好, 你看你这一段写了这么长, 几个层次都很模糊. 我觉得你把后面的部分独立起来组一两段, 把这段干掉会比较妥当.)

In sum, the argument is not convincing in that it provides no comprehensive information about the survey and the sales of the other companies, which began selling educational toys. The other main flaw in this argument is that the arguer reaches his conclusion based on unreliable assumptions, and the arguer concludes too hastily. To make it more convincing, the arguer should give us more information of those discussed above.

你的语言很好, 挑不出什么错. 但篇幅不必要这么长吧? 相信这么长的文字, 就是照着打上去30分钟也勉强啊. 我觉得没有必要写这么长, 个人意见.

从题目本身来看, 如果是我写的话, 我会攻击以下逻辑错误(当然肯定和你的有一定重复):
1. 三年的top seller销量下降的原因很可能是该款产品市场饱和, 并不说明市场需求疲软.
2. 家长对教育和青少年暴力倾向的关注未必要求HG公司产品结构有变化.
3. 停止所有的action toy的生产属于草率推广行为.
4. 其他厂商销售额的增加未必是因为教育玩具好卖, 可能是以前的产品的缘故. 另一方面, 销售额的增加并不意味着利润的增加, 因为利润是销售额和成本共同作用的结果, 而开发新玩具是要花钱的.
5. 收入的增加并不意味着家庭更加富裕, 有可能收入增加是通货膨胀的结果(由于工资是滞后的, 实际上大家便穷了 - 当然没必要跟考官这样解释了). 另一方面, 即使实际收入真的增加了, 也不一定说明家庭更愿意为孩子购买玩具, 更不用说是教育类玩具了.

希望对你能有所帮助.

[ Last edited by Jianchuan on 2005-7-28 at 15:49 ]

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地板

发表于 2005-7-30 02:00:47 |只看该作者

多谢！我一定仔细研究，再把修改后的帖子发上来。我也会尽快选择一篇你的帖子修改。

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5楼

发表于 2005-7-30 22:38:59 |只看该作者

选吧

https://bbs.gter.net/search.p ... mp;searchsubmit=yes

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anta
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6楼

发表于 2005-7-31 14:53:26 |只看该作者

修改稿：
麻烦再帮我瞧瞧，你给的建议很好，有一两处我没有想到。

Plausible as it may seem, this argument contains several facets that are questionable: the unwarranted assumption, lacking of comprehensive information of other companies sales, no definite evidence that action toys are violence toys. Therefore, it is unconvincing.

To begin with, the arguer does not make a comprehensive analysis of the sales increases in other companies, which began selling educational toys. The mere fact that sales increased does not indicate that the increases are from selling educational toys, or that the net profit was increased. It is possible that the sales increases are from selling other kind non-educational toys. Even if the increases are from selling educational toys, it is possible that the net profits actually decreased, if the cost of making those educational toys increased more than their sale. Thus the transfer of their focus on educational toys is counterproductive. Before the arguer could provide comprehensive information, I would keep my doubt about the profit from selling educational toys.

Furthermore, the argument suffers from an unreliable assumption. The arguer reaches his conclusion that sale of new toys will automatically increase since the average family income is growing. Yet he provides no information about how families will use their increased income. Maybe most families would rather use them for other purposes like travel, physical exercises, or investing on real estate, instead of buying toys for their children. Moreover, the family income may actually not grow because of inflation. In addition, under the condition that there are already several toy companies selling educational toys, Hyper-Go Company must compete with them. Whether their new products can find good market is hard to say. Therefore, the arguer's conclusion that the sales of new Hyper-Go toys will increase is unwarranted.

Moreover, the arguer unfairly equates action toys with violence toys. According to the argument, we can find no information showing us that action toys are violence toys, that is, the “Fierce Fighter toy airplane” is a kind of violence toys. On the contrary, in terms of the argument, it is highly possible that this action airplane is a very good kind of toys, whose structure and action mechanism may be a good example teaching children some scientific knowledge. It is similar with the other action toys of the company, which in fact could be very good educational toys. Therefore, the arguer should make clear whether their action toys are violence toys or not. Hasty stop of producing all their traditional toys is irresponsible and will inevitably bring their company harm.

In sum, the argument is not convincing as it stands. To make it more convincing, the arguer should provide us more information of the sale of other companies, the ways in which families will use their increased income, and the evidence that all Hyper-Go Toy Company’s action toys are violence toys.

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