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[i习作temp] issue7 以前写的~大家互拍~ [复制链接]

sebarina
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2005-8-8 09:24:48 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

突然发现这篇自己写过~
贴上来~~
互拍互拍~留下链接方便回拍！
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1.The video camera provides a brand-new world of recording, which leads to a new way to documents what is happening in our contemporary life.
2.However, we should not neglect the importance of the written records, as the video camera has some deficiency in showing the feelings, while the written records concludes emotion and thought.
3.We could also come to the conclusion that the function of written records is significant, which the video camera even fails to afford. The written records also develops the literature and other forms of literal arts, which cannot be promoted by the video camera.
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Issue7  第2篇让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户    共用时间：45分9秒    502 words
从2005年6月31日21时3分到2005年6月31日21时45分
------题目------
The video camera provides such an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life that it has become a more important form of documentation than written records.
------正文------
Is the video camera furnishing us an more great world, which is superior to the traditional written records'? The speaker claims so, illustrating that the video camera provides a much more accurate and convincing record of life simultaneously. Although I would concede that the accuracy and convenience brought by the high-tech products like video camera is significant in our life, however, I should compact much more importance on the traditional written records, for it could show the feelings of the recorder, which cannot be replaced by the high-tech camera, and propel some subjects to develop, such as the literature and biography while protect the privacy of individuals.

Granted, nowadays, video camera is becoming prevalent in everyday life, providing a more convenience service, and recording the scenery more exactly and convincingly. When people are in some circumstance that is important to remember like the wedding party, they will probably come to the video camera, recording the scenery accurately. At such moment, only the written record is deficient, for the background of the party, the each countenance of party-comers is hard to depict one by one simply on a sheet of paper. Thus, the video camera really acts great in the roles of recording magnificent scene. The bland description of a common-life written records is far more attracting than the vivid colors the video camera brings to people.

However, although to some extent the video camera is incomparable, the feature of written endows itself a much larger space. As we know, the written records include some kinds of feeling from the author, which cannot be seen in the video camera. After all, the video camera is just a machine without emotion,  and so is its work. Although the people laughed gladly in the video record, the people outstanding the scene that is who have not such experience can hardly be affected by the video record, while an individual can almost easily be influenced by the gorgeous skills of writer who recorded the events. That's because the recorder can mingle one's emotion with the words they are writing, leading the audience to a scenery more near to life. Yet, the inaccuracy existent in the written records should not be neglect, which become the obstacle of the investigating reliability of the events recorded.

In addition, the written records also propel some subjects to innovate and thrive, which can be seen from the literature and biography. Literature is seldom sheer writing work by playing literal objects, as it need to have lifelike background from the day-life records. While, to biography, thanks to the written records, can we spy to the great persons’ life with the view of written records. And, it is impossible to use the video camera to record the person in whole life, regardless of human rights. In such case, the written records, such like the diary, the letters, etc. can provide quantity of information to enable the biographer to depict a great person.

To sum up, the speaker's claim that the video camera is very important is fundamentally right. However, nowadays when high-tech is fast developing, people should not neglect the significance of the traditional written records. Without the written records, literature cannot progress at speed; without the written records, the biography will be suspended in order no to intrude individual’s privacy, only if the truth of the records could be inssured.

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wrestleout
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沙发

发表于 2005-8-8 11:15:07 |只看该作者

我也没写过几篇文章，是个新手，提的只是我的一些看法，不一定全对，嗬嗬，胆子大而已，要是有什么地方说错了别见怪。

Is the video camera furnishing us an more great greater? world, which is superior to the traditional written records'?这句有点问题，which指代的让人误解为是the world The speaker claims so, illustrating that the video camera provides a much more accurate and convincing record of life simultaneously. Although I would concede that the accuracy and convenience brought by the high-tech products like video camera is significant in our life, however, I should compact much more importance on the traditional written records, for it could show the feelings of the recorder, which cannot be replaced by the high-tech camera, and propel some subjects to develop, such as the literature and biography while protect the privacy of individuals.好长的一句话啊，分开一下吧，虽然ETS老写这种超长变态句，但判作文的家伙们看起来也会很累的，:)
总的来说开头有点长，有些话可以放进body paragraph里说。ps：和我的开头巨像，一个模版……:L
Granted, nowadays, video camera is becoming prevalent in everyday life, providing a more convenience service, and recording the scenery more exactly and convincingly. When people are in some circumstance that is important to remember like the wedding party, they will probably come to the video camera, recording the scenery accurately. At such moment, only the written record is deficient, only用的有点怪for the background of the party, the each countenance of party-comers is hard to depict one by one simply on a sheet of paper. Thus, the video camera really acts great in the roles of recording magnificent scene. The bland description of a common-life written records is far more attracting than the vivid colors the video camera brings to people.只有一个例子好像说服力不够，嗯。来个激烈点的;P。

However, although to some extent the video camera is incomparable, the feature of written endows itself a much larger space.这句词用的不错，学习一下 As we know, the written records include some kinds of feeling from the author, which cannot be seen in the video camera. After all, the video camera is just a machine without emotion, and so is its work. Although the people laughed gladly in the video record, the people outstanding the scene that is who have not such experience can hardly be affected by the video record, while an individual can almost easily be influenced by the gorgeous skills of writer who recorded the events. That's because the recorder can mingle one's emotion with the words they are writing, leading the audience to a scenery more near to life. Yet, the inaccuracy existent in the written records should not be neglect, which become the obstacle of the investigating reliability of the events recorded.这段有点车轱辘话来回说，尤其是开始的时候，剖开谈一下会比较好。唉，其实我自己的文章里这方面也因为没时间说得很不够，我想据个有说服性的例子（那种众所周知的）应该好写吧，不过目前还没想到。
In addition, the written records also propel some subjects to innovate and thrive, which can be seen from the literature and biography. Literature is seldom sheer writing work by playing literal objects, as it need to have lifelike background from the day-life records. While, to biography, thanks to the written records, can we spy to the great persons’ life with the view of written records. And, it is impossible to use the video camera to record the person in whole life, regardless of human rights. In such case, the written records, such like the diary, the letters, etc. can provide quantity of information to enable the biographer to depict a great person.这段的观点我是没想到，又得学习一下了。:)

To sum up, the speaker's claim that the video camera is very important is fundamentally right. However, nowadays when high-tech is fast developing, people should not neglect the significance of the traditional written records. Without the written records, literature cannot progress at speed; without the written records, the biography will be suspended in order no to intrude individual’s privacy, only if the truth of the records could be inssured.
嗯，和我写的风格不一样，准备把你的优点好好学习一下，有时间也看看我的好不？互相帮助。:lol
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... type%26typeid%3D101

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lingd
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板凳

发表于 2005-8-8 15:16:52 |只看该作者

Is the video camera furnishing us an (a) more great world (more great world?), which is superior to the traditional written records'? The speaker claims so, illustrating(illustrating?) that the video camera provides a much more accurate and convincing record of life simultaneously. Although I would concede that the accuracy and convenience brought by the high-tech products like video camera is significant in our life, however, I should compact much more importance on the traditional written records, for it could show the feelings of the recorder, which cannot be replaced by the high-tech camera, and propel some subjects to develop, such as the literature and biography while protect the privacy of individuals.

Granted, nowadays, video camera is becoming prevalent in everyday life, providing a more convenience service, and recording the scenery more exactly and convincingly. When people are in some circumstance that is important to remember like the wedding party, they will probably come to the video camera, recording the scenery accurately. At such moment, only the written record is deficient, for the background of the party, the each countenance of party-comers is hard to depict one by one simply on a sheet of paper. Thus, the video camera really acts great in the roles of recording magnificent scene. The bland description of a common-life written records is far more(为什么是more呢？应该是less呀？) attracting than the vivid colors the video camera brings to people.

However, although to some extent the video camera is incomparable, the feature of written endows itself a much larger space. As we know, the written records include some kinds of feeling from the author, which cannot be seen in the video camera. After all, the video camera is just a machine without emotion, and so is its work. Although the people laughed gladly in the video record, the people outstanding the scene that is who have not such experience can hardly be affected by the video record, （生活中我们不是经常被电影感动吗？）while an individual can almost easily be influenced by the gorgeous skills of writer who recorded the events. That's because the recorder can mingle one's emotion with the words they are writing, leading the audience to a scenery more near to life. Yet, the inaccuracy existent in the written records should not be neglect, which become the obstacle of the investigating reliability of the events recorded.

In addition, the written records also propel some subjects to innovate and thrive, which can be seen from the literature and biography. Literature is seldom sheer writing work by playing literal objects, as it need to have lifelike background from the day-life records. While, to biography, thanks to the written records, can we spy to the great persons’ life with the view of written records. And, it is impossible to use the video camera to record the person in whole life, regardless of human rights. In such case, the written records, such like the diary, the letters, etc. can provide quantity of information to enable the biographer to depict a great person.

To sum up, the speaker's claim that the video camera is very important is fundamentally right. However, nowadays when high-tech is fast developing, people should not neglect the significance of the traditional written records. Without the written records, literature cannot progress at speed; without the written records, the biography will be suspended in order no to intrude individual’s privacy, only if the truth of the records could be inssured.

楼主也拍拍我吧
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=314258&page=1

[ Last edited by lingd on 2005-8-8 at 15:18 ]

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forevera
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地板

发表于 2005-8-9 01:50:18 |只看该作者

Is the video camera furnishing us an more去掉 greatgreater world, which is superior to the traditional written records'? The speaker claims so, illustrating that the video camera provides a much more accurate and convincing record of life simultaneously. Although I would concede that the accuracy and convenience brought by the high-tech products like video camera is significant in our life, however, I should compact much more importance on the traditional written records, for it could show the feelings of the recorder, which cannot be replaced by the high-tech camera, and propel some subjects to develop, such as the literature and biography while protect the privacy of individuals.感觉似乎开头太长了一点,有点不够简练,如果把能合并的几句合并一下那就更好了,还有开头的问句也有点长.

Granted, nowadays, video camera is becoming prevalent in everyday life, providing a more convenience service最好用复数?, and recording the scenery more exactly and convincingly. When people are in some circumstance that is important to remember like the wedding party, they will probably come to the video camera, recording the scenery accurately. At such moment, only the written record is deficient, for the background of the party, the each countenance of party-comers is hard to depict one by one simply on a sheet of paper. Thus, the video camera really acts great in the roles of recording magnificent scene. The bland description of a common-life written records is far more attracting than the vivid colors the video camera brings to people.前面说了video camera可以给人们带来很多好处,这里就不如简单的举多个例子来的全面了,而且能呼应上.

However, although to some extent the video camera is incomparable, the feature of written endows itself a much larger space有点太笼统了,最好明确点. As we know, the written records include some kinds of feeling from the author, which cannot be seen in the video camera. After all, the video camera is just a machine without emotion, and so is its work. Although the people laughed gladly in the video record, the people outstanding the scene that is who have not such experience can hardly be affected by the video record, while an individual can almost easily be influenced by the gorgeous skills of writer who recorded the events. 这个句子好象太长了点That's because the recorder can mingle one's emotion with the words they are writing, leading the audience to a scenery more near to life. Yet, the inaccuracy existent in the written records should not be neglect, which become the obstacle of the investigating reliability of the events recorded.这个转折的就不要了吧,最好一段中的意思都和中心句高度一致

In addition, the written records also propel some subjects to innovate and thrive, which can be seen from the literature and biography. Literature is seldom sheer writing work by playing literal objects, as it need to have lifelike background from the day-life records. While, to biography, thanks to the written records, can we spy to the great persons’ life with the view of written records. And, it is impossible to use the video camera to record the person in whole life, regardless of human rights. In such case, the written records, such like the diary, the letters, etc. can provide quantity of information to enable the biographer to depict a great person.
论证的很不错,不过中心句在表述上和上一段关联太大,你看如果改成written record在很多video camera不方便工作的地方能起到很大的作用是不是更好一点?
To sum up, the speaker's claim that the video camera is very important is fundamentally right. However, nowadays when high-tech is fast developing, people should not neglect the significance of the traditional written records. Without the written records, literature cannot progress at speed; without the written records, the biography will be suspended in order no to intrude individual’s privacy, only if the truth of the records could be inssured.

论证和语言都很不错,不过应该重点注意全篇和每段内文字的呼应,还有一些地方应该简练一点.

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weimang
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5楼

发表于 2005-8-9 20:56:56 |只看该作者

Is the video camera furnishing us an more great world, which is superior to the traditional written records'? The speaker claims so, illustrating that the video camera provides a much more accurate and convincing record of life simultaneously. Although I would concede that the accuracy and convenience brought by the high-tech products like video camera is significant in our life, however, 前面有altough了，这里可以不用however I should compact much more importance改成put much more emphsis比较好噢 on the traditional written records, for it could show the feelings of the recorders, which cannot be replaced by the high-tech camera, and propel some subjects to develop, such as the literature and biography while protect the privacy of individuals.
第一段不用说自己的太具体的想法，只要说一下大概意思就行了，控制在80词内比较好噢
Granted如果这里是诚然的意思的话，用To be true就行了, nowadays, video camera is becoming prevalent in everyday life, providing a more感觉用more有些奇怪，如果去掉呢？ convenience service, and recording the scenery more exactly and convincingly. When people are in some circumstances that is important to remember like the wedding party, they will probably come/turn to the video camera, recording the sceneryscenery指风景景色，这里用sight可能更好些，或者用events之类的 accurately. At such moment, only the written record is deficientinadequate or insufficient?, for the background of the party, the each countenance这个词太大了，而且会有歧义 of party-comers is hard to depict one by one simply on a sheet of paper. Thus, the video camera really acts great in the rolesplay an important role of recording magnificent scene. The bland description of a common-life written records is far more attracting than the vivid colors the video camera brings to people.
party的例子不错
However, although to some extent the video camera is incomparable, the feature of written endows itself a much larger space. As we know, the written records include some kinds of feeling from the author, which cannot be seen in the video camera. After all, the video camera is just a machine without emotion, and so is its work. Although the people laughed gladly in the video record, the people outstanding这个词是显著的意思，用bystanders更好 the scene that is who have not such experience can hardly be affected by the video record, while an individual can almost删去almost easily be influenced by the gorgeous skills of writer who recorded the events. That's because the recorder can mingle one's emotion with感觉mingle with有些奇怪，put his emotion into the words or sentences the words they are writing, leading the audience to a sceneryscene more nearcloser to life. Yet, the inaccuracy existent in the written records should not be neglect, which become the obstacle of the investigating reliability of the events recorded.
我觉得video records也能打动人，只是written ones掺杂了作者的个人情感，使读者更容易理解或倾向于接受作者的观点
In addition, the written records also propel some subjects to innovate and thrive, which can be seen from the literature and biography. Literature is seldom sheer writing work by playingshowing？ literal objects, as it needs to have lifelike background from the day-life records. While, to biography, thanks to the written records, can we spy to the great persons’ life with the view of written records.这句没看懂：P And, it is impossible to use the video camera to record the person in whole life改为the whole life of a person, regardless of human rights. In such case, the written records, such like the diary, the letters, etc. can provide quantity改为plenty of information to enable the biographer to depict a great person.
这段不错哦
To sum up, the speaker's claim that the video camera is very important is fundamentally right. However, nowadays when high-tech is fast developing, people should not neglect the significance of the traditional written records. Without the written records, literature cannot progressdevelop ata significant speed; without the written records, the biography will be suspended in order no to intrude individual’s privacy这句也没看懂：P, only if the truth of the records could be inssured.

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