[a习作temp] argument141 welcome! [复制链接]

hepengmc
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电梯直达

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发表于 2006-3-20 14:10:37 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

argument141.The following appeared in a newsletter distributed at a recent political rally.
"Over the past year, the Consolidated Copper Company (CCC) has purchased over one million square miles of land in the tropical nation of West Fredonia. Mining copper on this land will inevitably result in pollution and environmental disaster, since West Fredonia is home to several endangered animal species. But such disaster can be prevented if consumers simply refuse to purchase products that are made with CCC's copper until the company abandons its mining plans."
去年，Consolidated Copper Company(CCC)在热带国家West Fredonia购买了上百万平方英里的土地。在这些地方采矿将会不可避免地导致污染和环境灾害，因为West Fredonia是很多濒危物种的栖居地。但如果消费者简单地拒绝购买用CCC所生产的铜而制造的产品，直到CCC放弃它的采矿计划就可以避免这种灾害。

The author recommends that consumers refuse to purchase products that are made with Consolidated Copper Company(CCC) to prevent the environment al pollution in West Frddonia(WF). To support the recommendation the author cites that to mine copper on this land will inevitably result in pollution and environmental disaster. The author's recommendation suffers critical flaws and therefore is unconvincing as it stands.

To begin with, the author provides too little information about CCC and WF to show that the mining will lead environmental disaster in this area. It is quite possible that WF has already evaluated the potential harm to the environment before CCC began to mine in this area. Maybe, CCC has already adopted some kinds of technology to make the environmental pollution to the least extent which would not possibly to threaten the living of some endangered species. Moreover, this mining land CCC bought may not be the living place for these endangered species, and perhaps the place nearly has no living creatures just like the dessert. Without enough information about WF and CCC, the author's assertion that the mining will lead to environmental pollution and disaster is too hasty.

Even if the mining in this area could probably bring some environmental problems, the recommendation that all consumers deny buying the product of CCC in order to prevent pollution may not be effective. The denial of buying the products of CCC can not ensure that CCC will give up their plan to continue mining in this area. For instance, the products of CCC are mainly exported to foreign countries, and the sales in his own nation is relatively small, in this way, even the consumer deny to buy the products of CCC, the sales of CCC worldwide may not be greatly influenced, so mining in this place will continue to satisfy the need of foreign consumers. Moreover, even if the CCC abandons its mining here, other companies may come here too, in this way, the pollution will still continue. Also, the recommendation may not be practical. what if CCC is the only supply of copper to this country? What if the products that are made with CCC's copper are the most popular ones among the consumers? If either of the condition is true, then the consumer may not be willing to give up the products rather than protecting environment in another country.

Finally the author overlooks other alternatives to prevent the environmental pollution in this area. For example, to make a more strict regulation on the mining of CCC to ensure that the affects will not threaten the lives of endangered creatures in this area; or the government of WF can ask CCC to provide money to remove the endangered species from this area to a better living area.

In conclusion, the author's recommendation that consumers refuse to purchase products that are made with Consolidated Copper Company(CCC) to prevent the environment al pollution in WF is not persuasive. To bolster the recommendation, the author has provide evidence about the situation about the mining land and CCC corporation. The author should also consider other actions that may help to prevent the environment in the mining land to choose the best way for both CCC and WF.

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icya
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沙发

发表于 2006-3-20 21:58:44 |只看该作者

:)

（总的来说吧，错误跟我的基本相同但是为什么就是比我的文章有说服力呢，桑心了。。。其他语言上面没有什么问题，只是我有个问题，就是在第一段的时候是否需要完整的把论据都写出来呢，第一次自己动手写argument，还没什么经验呢，看范文好像都是完全重复的，你觉得呢）

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icall
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板凳

发表于 2006-3-20 22:28:26 |只看该作者

The author recommends that consumers refuse to purchase products that（which同一句引导词重复感觉不好） are made with Consolidated Copper Company(CCC) to prevent the environment al pollution in West Frddonia(WF). To support the recommendation the author cites that to mine copper on this land will inevitably result in pollution and environmental disaster. The author's recommendation（conclusion上面刚用了，换换吧 )suffers critical flaws and therefore is unconvincing as it stands.

To begin with, the author provides too little(感觉这个little用的不是很爽阿，这个too to句式这样用似乎不太地道，不如too arbitrary to...without sufficient...) information about CCC and WF to show that the mining will lead environmental disaster in this area. It is quite possible that WF has already evaluated the potential harm to the environment before CCC began to mine in this area. Maybe, CCC has already adopted some kinds of technology to make the environmental pollution to the least extent which would not possibly to threaten the living of some endangered species. Moreover, this mining land CCC bought may not be the living place for these endangered species, and perhaps the place nearly has no living creatures just like the dessert. Without enough information about WF and CCC, the author's assertion that the mining will lead to environmental pollution and disaster is too hasty.

Even if the mining in this area could probably bring some environmental problems, the recommendation that all consumers deny buying the product of CCC in order to prevent pollution may not be effective. The denial of buying the products of CCC can not ensure that CCC will give up their plan to continue mining in this area. For instance, the products of CCC are mainly exported to foreign countries, and the sales in his own nation is relatively small, in this way, even the consumer deny to buy the products of CCC, the sales of CCC worldwide may not be greatly influenced, so mining in this place will continue(后面直接去掉，显得罗嗦，不相干内容） to satisfy the need of foreign consumers. Moreover, even if the CCC abandons its mining here, other companies may come here too, in this way, the pollution will still continue. Also, the recommendation may not be practical. what if CCC is the only supply of copper to this country? What if the products that are made with CCC's copper are the most popular ones among the consumers? If either of the condition is true, then the consumer may not be willing to give up the products rather than protecting environment in another country.

Finally the author overlooks other alternatives to prevent the environmental pollution in this area. For example, to make a more strict regulation on the mining of CCC to ensure that the affects will not threaten the lives of endangered creatures in this area; or the government of WF can ask CCC to provide money to remove the endangered species from this area to a better living area.

In conclusion, the author's recommendation that consumers refuse to purchase products that are made with Consolidated Copper Company(CCC) to prevent the environment al pollution in WF is not persuasive. To bolster the recommendation, the author has provide evidence about the situation about the mining land and CCC corporation. The author should also consider other actions that may help to prevent the environment in the mining land to choose the best way for both CCC and WF.

论证还是很充分的，其中有些个方面我没考虑到，比如最后一个论段讨论alternatives的~
似乎结尾写的啰嗦了，没必要。不知你是不是打字很快，不然，到时候时间不够用阿~
我是发现自己限时非常紧张~
我的：https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... e%3D1#pid1768310435

[ 本帖最后由 icall 于 2006-3-20 22:34 编辑 ]

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yyweh
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地板

发表于 2006-3-20 23:49:03 |只看该作者

The author recommends that consumers refuse to purchase products that are made with Consolidated Copper Company(CCC) to prevent the environment al pollution in West Frddonia(WF). To support the recommendation the author cites that to mine copper on this land will inevitably result in pollution and environmental disaster. The author's recommendation suffers critical flaws and therefore is unconvincing as it stands.
直接上CCC和WF把，不要再把名字打一遍了，反正老美懂你这道题目，时间节约一点是一点。虽然用了模板开头，总归是比较安全的策略。不知道用模板会不会有负面的影响。
To begin with, the author provides too little information about CCC and WF to show that the mining will lead environmental disaster in this area. It is quite possible that WF has already evaluated the potential harm to the environment before CCC began to mine in this area. Maybe, CCC has already adopted some kinds of technology(ADTOP TECHNOLOGY？总觉得不那么舒服) to make the environmental pollution to the least extent which would not possibly to（去掉TO） threaten the living of some endangered species（THE LIVING OF SOME ENDANGERED SPECIES，THE LIVING是什么？它们的生活？不懂，也觉得不顺，直接SOME ENDANGERED SPECIES吧）. Moreover, this mining land CCC bought may not be the living place for these endangered species, and perhaps the place nearly has no living creatures just like the（THE用A更好吧，觉得是泛指啊） dessert. Without enough information about WF and CCC, the author's assertion that the mining will lead to environmental pollution and disaster is too hasty.
细节不够多，看范文写一个意思要展开好几个细节。细节！具体！
Even if the mining in this area could probably bring some environmental problems, the recommendation that all consumers deny buying the product（PRODUCTS） of CCC in order to prevent pollution may not be effective. The denial of buying（前面一句已经用BUYING了，如果想不出换个词的话题目里还有PURCHASE哈。） the products of CCC can not ensure that CCC will give up their plan to continue mining in this area. For instance, the products of CCC are mainly exported to foreign countries, and the sales in his（ITS） own nation is relatively small, in this way, even the consumer deny（三次DENY了） to buy the products of CCC, the sales of CCC worldwide may not be greatly influenced, so mining in this place will continue to satisfy the need of foreign consumers. Moreover, even if the CCC abandons its mining here, other companies may come here too, in this way（出现两次了，还个THUS吧）, the pollution will still continue（前面已经用国STILL CONTINUE了，这里STILL CONTINUE换REMAIN A PROBLEM如何？）. Also, the recommendation may not be practical. what if CCC is the only supply of copper to this country? What if the products that are made with CCC's copper（修饰PRODUCTS的定语从句改成PRODUCTS MADE WITH COPPER FROM CCC是不是使句子更简洁一些哈？） are the most popular ones among the consumers? （连续的两句问句非常好，直接反驳了文章，提供了其他的解释可能，再多几句就看得更过瘾了）If either of the condition is true, then the consumer may not be willing to give up the products rather than protecting environment in another country.

Finally the author overlooks other alternatives to prevent the environmental pollution in this area. For example, to make a more strict regulation on the mining of CCC to ensure that the affects will not threaten the lives of endangered creatures in this area; or the government of WF can ask CCC to provide money to remove（MOVE） the endangered species from this area to a better living area.

In conclusion, the author's recommendation that consumers refuse to purchase products that are made with Consolidated Copper Company(CCC) to prevent the environment al pollution in WF is not persuasive. To bolster the recommendation, the author has provide evidence about the situation about the mining land and CCC corporation. The author should also consider other actions that may help to prevent the environment in the mining land to choose the best way for both CCC and WF.
可能是因为用了模板的关系吧（最近都不想再看老外280那些阿狗了，都一个样子），文章没有显得很有特色，虽然这是比较安全的策略，但是如果想拿高分的话，觉得还是应该有些个人的特点。找的错误没问题，本来么，一篇ARGUMENT能找到的错误是非常多的，但是我认为只要能找出主要的逻辑缺陷，再深入的展开具体的细节讨论就可以了。错误不再多，主要、深入、具体、细节应该是ETS考ARGUMENT的初衷吧。说远了。文章很不错的，加油！

Medico

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