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[i习作temp] Issue147 【模考限时成功】求狠拍 [复制链接]

gyyx
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电梯直达

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发表于 2007-7-26 21:08:22 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

TOPIC: ISSUE147 - "Tradition and modernization are incompatible. One must choose between them."
WORDS: 487 TIME: 00:45:00 DATE: 2007-7-26 14:51:49

Are tradition and modernization incompatible, the author claims so, and states that we must choose one between them. However, in my opinion, although tradition and modernization have much contradiction, they could be consistent to some extend.

Admittedly, modernization contradicts tradition in many areas in today's life. We are enjoying the benefits of the development of science and meanwhile we have to change something traditional in order to catch up with the pace of today's world. Both of them has influence in people's minds, for supporting example, we need not look further than the example of the status improving of women in society. In the past, women do not have the rights to be educated and to work out of home, even Chinese women in the past should follow her fathers, her husbands, and even her children. They have no freedom. But today, women have the equal rights to men in education, in work, in all realms. Additionally, the two differs in life styles. For instance, we only celebrate our festivals in the past, while we now also celebrate other country’s.

However, although they have so much contradiction in almost every realm, they could be consistent in some extent, as they still share community in essence. Take the modern education as a supporting example. Although we teach much more knowledge through education than our ancestors, the objective of education remains the same as before, to initiate knowledge and prepare the students to society. Moreover, no matter how modernize we become, how prosperity we will achieve, some essence in tradition could not substitute for modernization, such as fealty to parents, loyalty to nation, endeavor to individuals. Furthermore, modernization could resort to tradition when it suffers from some difficulties in development. Just like merchant could derive thoughts from Sun'zi Art of War in commercial fight; artist could get inspiration through the research of tradition; architects could add traditional elements in the architecture. Many new cross fields achieve success though this way. Consider our popular music, many hot topics are the one with classical style; and we still resort to Confucianism in education and even politics. So, we could combine modernization with tradition, if we spread our efforts to find the similar essence of the two, not be covered by their contradiction.

Finally, as materials of past society, tradition has its own limitation, which should be identified in our combination of the two, as the limitation will impede our development. Such as some fatuous ideas discriminate against women and superstition, which could not consist with modern ideas at all. All these demerits should be avoided in the way of combination, so that we could get the positive assistance from tradition.

So, as a conclusion, tradition and modernization are compatible, we may make them consistent. And this need us to try our best to discard the dross and select the essential from tradition in the way of modernization, with some essence unchangeable.

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njuzhshao
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沙发

发表于 2007-7-27 02:34:07 |只看该作者

鉴于对整个文章的把握还做不到，小弟只摘出第一段作段落结构的讨论。可能有小题大做之嫌，而且临场不可能有过多的斟酌和考虑，但还是想借此说说对issue段落的感觉。

Admittedly, modernization contradicts tradition in many areas in today's life. We are enjoying the benefits of the development of science and meanwhile we have to change something traditional in order to catch up with the pace of today's world. Both of them[them ? Which two ?] has influence in people's minds, for supporting example, we need not look further than the example of the status improving of women in society. In the past, women do not have the rights to be educated and to work out of home, [这里如果不断句应该算语法错误吧]even Chinese women in the past should follow her fathers, her husbands, and even her children.[:] They have no freedom. But today, women have the equal rights to men in education, in work, in all realms. Additionally, the two differs in life styles. For instance, we only celebrate our festivals in the past, while we now also celebrate other country’s.

首先分析段落结构：

分论点，“modernization contradicts tradition in today's life” 这个没有问题。

第一个例子比较长，妇女地位的提高，第二个例子一句，celebrate foreign festivals。

仔细的看例子的叙述方式可以看到，例子中实际上没有分析的语句。但这一点并不是致命的，因为有一个重要的位置可以很好代替（或者说弥补）例子中的缺乏分析，就是分论点和例子之间的那句承接，不得不说，这一句总是很重要。而这一段的败笔就在于此类句子与相应例子的配合不默契。取出来看：

We are enjoying the benefits of the development of science and meanwhile we have to change something traditional in order to catch up with the pace of today's world. Both of them has influence in people's minds.

change和development 的逻辑关系当然不是meanwhile，而是后面的 in order to，而这里一个meanwhile淡化了后面的逻辑词了。这个是小问题。避过。
鉴于下文中women的例子仅有叙述，我们做最好的估计，认为作者在这里想要事先阐述例子中所缺的分析；即使不是，也暂借此讨论。
从文章的思路上看，这句话的作用主要是有两个：一是将contradict推演到具体的情形development casue change in tradition，这一条是显然的，但是为了说清楚如何是一种contradict，不妨明确地写明development 否定了一些 tradition，否定而不是change 是一个contradict的同义。二是说预述下面的例子中的逻辑结构，当预述逻辑与举例的语言逻辑吻合的时候，一个清晰自然的例子分析已经形成了。

预述为： (change) ( have to happen ) (to catch up with today)
而例子： In the past,...They have no freedom. But today, women have the equal rights. change 在这儿。
. Additionally.... 已经是下一个例子了，have to happen缺失了！to catch 缺失了！
形式上看到的这种不对应导致的是逻辑上的不充分：women gain equal rights是不是tradition外力下的改变？这种外力是否来自与modernization？作者没有相应的解释。

例子和预述的任一条的互相照应的想法都能实现上面的想法，比如我们可以将上句换作：

Tradition has changed a lot under the impact of new modern ideas, such as equality.

这其中，不但点出tradition和new ideas的具体冲突，还以modern为桥梁论证了推演的关系即：这里说的idea是modern idea即mordernization的一部分，并且用impact点出contradict的含义，应该说做到了上述第一个要求。同时，对例子的逻辑要求直接缩小到 tradition has changed，这就与下文的例子吻合了，同时equality是很严格的women equal rights的上位词，以women equal rights作细化恰当好处。

对应的，第二个例子的导语 Additionally, the two differs in life styles. 也可以这样改动：

Additionally, trend of globalization gives rise to no less transformation in our life styles.

应该会有相似的效果。

在这样的改动下，剩余的例子语言已不需要再有其他的改动。

gyyx考虑下这样说是否合理呢？

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gyyx
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板凳

发表于 2007-7-27 08:57:58 |只看该作者

真是受益匪浅啊
恩
一直就头疼自己每段里面的句子的逻辑与衔接问题
希望现在开窍不晚，先去买车票
然后中午回来试验下新的想法
真是谢谢你啊

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地板

发表于 2007-7-27 09:23:11 |只看该作者

Issue147 【模考限时成功】求狠拍
TOPIC: ISSUE147 - "Tradition and modernization are incompatible. One must choose between them."
WORDS: 487 TIME: 00:45:00 DATE: 2007-7-26 14:51:49

Are tradition and modernization incompatible, the author claims so, and states that we must choose one between them. However, in my opinion, although tradition and modernization have much contradiction, they could be consistent to some extend.

Admittedly, modernization contradicts tradition in many areas in today's life. We are enjoying the benefits of the development of science （科技的发展，这是你这段的基调）and meanwhile we have to change something traditional in order to catch up with the pace of today's world. Both of them has influence in people's minds, for supporting example, we need not look further than the example of the status improving of women in society. In the past, women do not have the rights to be educated and to work out of home, even Chinese women in the past should follow her fathers, her husbands, and even her children. They have no freedom（这个例子和科技有关么？至少你没有提及，偏离了你的论点）. But today, women have the equal rights to men in education, in work, in all realms. Additionally, the two differs in life styles. For instance, we only celebrate our festivals in the past, while we now also celebrate other country’s.（后面这2句没看懂，想证明什么？另外你对例子没有分析，摆出来就完了么？你不分析下，怎么能说明你的观点？不证自明不存在于aw）

However, although they have so much contradiction in almost every realm, they could be consistent in some extent, as they still share community in essence. Take the modern education as a supporting example. Although we teach much more knowledge through education than our ancestors, the objective of education remains the same as before, to initiate knowledge and prepare the students to society. Moreover, no matter how modernize we become, how prosperity we will achieve, some essence in tradition could not substitute for modernization（没看出这层和上层有什么区别,上层其实就是教育的essence） such as fealty to parents, loyalty to nation, endeavor to individuals. Furthermore（in addition吧）, modernization could resort to tradition when it suffers from some difficulties in development（这一层完全可以作为一个单独的段落来论述了）. Just like merchant could derive thoughts from Sun'zi Art of War in commercial fight; artist could get inspiration through the research of tradition; architects could add traditional elements in the architecture. Many new cross fields achieve success though this way. Consider our popular music, many hot topics are the one with classical style; and we still resort to Confucianism in education and even politics. So, we could combine modernization with tradition, if we spread our efforts to find the similar essence of the two, not be covered by their contradiction.（分析还是一样不足，为什么有些传统能保留，有些不能，完全可以从其包含的价值入手进行说明）

Finally, as materials of past society, tradition has its own limitation, which should be identified in our combination of the two, as the limitation will impede our development. Such as some fatuous ideas discriminate against women and superstition, which could not consist with modern ideas at all. All these demerits should be avoided in the way of combination, so that we could get the positive assistance from tradition.（。。。。这段和第一个主题段合并下不好么？基本讨论的是一个内容，说的还是不相容的问题）

So, as a conclusion, tradition and modernization are compatible, we may make them consistent. And this need us to try our best to discard the dross and select the essential from tradition in the way of modernization, with some essence unchangeable.

比较大的问题就是层次不清晰和缺少论证说明，在思路上多下下功夫吧

寻10fall去费城的朋友~