[i习作temp] issue41 [戮力同心小组] 第一次作业 by liyi2321 [复制链接]

liyi2321
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电梯直达

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发表于 2007-7-27 18:02:29 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

41"Such nonmainstream areas of inquiry as astrology, fortune-telling, and psychic and paranormal pursuits play a vital role in society by satisfying human needs that are not addressed by mainstream science."

大致写作提纲：
1  非主流学科确实解决了一些人们用主流科学难解决的问题
2  但是非主流学科过分的主观和缺乏理论依据，会有很多不利影响
3  主流科学也会不断发展去迎合人们的各种需求。

With the development of the mainstream science and our technology, the non-mainstream science will not play a vial role in society. Though the non-mainstream science can meet some needs for our people, the non-mainstream science is irrational and too objective in essence. Therefore, the non-mainstream science will lose its importance in the future and even erased by the mainstream science.

Admittedly, the non-mainstream science can solve some people's problems which are hard to deal with by the mainstream science. Let's take the fortune-telling for example. From childhood to adult, we always want to know what will happen to us in the future. Will we own a lot of money? Will we have a successful life in the future? These questions show that people's desire to knowing the future in order to get rid of the pains. This is a only a dream if we rely on the mainstream science, but the fortune-telling just meet this need and have some good effect on us. When we confront with dilemma or failure, the fortune teller will say that is the test of the god and according to your past life, you will obtain success in the last. Though these words are irrational, we often believe that and it can release of pressure and pains. Therefore, many non-mainstream areas can solve some complex problems especially some mental problems.

However, the non-mainstream science is irrational and too objective. It will lead some bad effects to us. The words which are always used by some non-mainstream areas such as "past life" is too objective and very absurd. Many of the conclusions of it are irrational in logic and even just aim to meet your needs. If we rely on them too much, there will be many bad effect on us and even cause many tragedy in our life. The cult in our world is a good example. At first it is just like a non-mainstream science which aims to meet some people's needs. But many people rely on it and lost their own mind. The accident in the Tokyo subway is the best evidence. After all, the non-mainstream areas are not a science subject and it cannot solve the problems of people radically.

On the other hand, is the mainstream science really unable to meet some people's need in some aspects? No, we should realize that the science and technology will developed and more problems will be solved in the future. From the history, we can find that the science and technology pay a lot of attempts to solve people's problems. In the past, when we wanted to take medicine, we can only rely on the alchemist or witch. But today, not only can the medicines aim to cure some traditional disease such as hypertension, but also they can cure the mental disease such as psychotic. Moreover, many drug delivery systems is discovered and produced to increase the compliance of the patients. The assertion that the using agents are too trouble or too pain has become history. The mainstream science can solve problems radically and bring real benefit to us. I believe that mainstream science will play a more important role in our future life.

To sum up, because the mainstream science is proved to be rational and more effective than non-mainstream science, we need to trust the mainstream science even though it does not developed enough to meet our needs. It will develop rapidly in the future and achieve our desire.

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最坚强的泡沫
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沙发

发表于 2007-7-28 12:14:50 |只看该作者

首先表示下歉意，昨天家里停电，改得晚了。下边是修改和建议：

With the development of the mainstream science and our technology, the non-mainstream science will not play a vial(vital) role in society. Though the non-mainstream science can meet some needs for(of) our(delete) people, the non-mainstream science is irrational and too objective(subjective?) in essence. Therefore, the non-mainstream science will lose its importance in the    future and even (be)erased by the mainstream science.

Admittedly, the non-mainstream science can solve some people's problems which are hard to deal with by the mainstream    science. Let's take the fortune-telling for example. From childhood to adult, we always want to know what will happen to us in the future. Will we own a lot of money( "be rich" is better )? Will we have a successful life in the future?(consider to change  subjective) These questions show that people's desire to knowing(know?) the future in order to get rid of the pains. This is    only a dream if we rely on the mainstream science, but the fortune-telling just meet this need and have some good effect on us. When we confront with dilemma or failure, the fortune teller will say that is the test of the god and according to your past life, you will obtain success in the last(at last?). Though these words are irrational, we often believe that and it can release of       pressure and pains. Therefore, many non-mainstream areas can solve some complex problems especially some mental          problems.

However, the non-mainstream science is irrational and too objective(subjective). It will lead some bad effects to us. The    words which are always used by some non-mainstream areas such as "past life" is too objective and very(delete) absurd.    Many of the conclusions of(upon) it are irrational in logic and even just aim to meet your needs. If we rely on them too much, there will be many bad effect on us and (lack of subjective)even cause many tragedy in our life. The cult in our world is a    good example. At first it is just like a non-mainstream science which aims to meet some people's needs. But many people rely on it and lost their own minds. The accident in the Tokyo subway is the best evidence. After all, the non-mainstream areas are not a science(scientific?) subject and it cannot solve the problems of people radically.

On the other hand, is the mainstream science really unable to meet some people's need in some aspects? No, we should       realize that the science and technology will developed and more problems will be solved in the future. From the history, we can find that the science and technology pay a lot of attempts(i don't know if there is such use) to solve people's problems. In the past, when we wanted to take medicine, we can only rely on the alchemist or witch.(chines english) But today, not only can the medicines aim to(unnecessary) cure some traditional disease such as hypertension, but also they can cure the mental disease such as psychotic. Moreover, many drug delivery systems is(are) discovered and produced to increase the                compliance of  the patients. The assertion(consider to delete) that the(delete) using agents are too trouble(troublesome) or too painful has become history. The mainstream science can solve problems radically and bring real benefit to us. I believe that mainstream science will play a more important role in our future life.

To sum up, because the mainstream science is proved to be rational and more effective than non-mainstream science, we    need to trust the mainstream science even though it does not developed enough to meet our needs(at present?). It will develop rapidly and achieve our desire (in the future).

备注：红色的是建议修改的地方，一般都是语法问题；橙色的是语言上的问题，语义不清楚或者局子使用不当

总评：基本上按照提纲来写，思路很清楚，论证都有论据支持。
但需要注意的是：1.根据我的理解：首段提出的论点——因为非主流研究手段不合理性和太主观——所以它将失去重要性甚至被根除。这大概就是你的思路吧，这个思路的逻辑应该是无可指摘的吧，但是，且先不说你用的将来时态会暗示现在它们发挥着重要的作用而原题说的是现在，你在下边的论证（第三段）并没有很好地展开说明为什么它们是不合理性的和主观的——我觉得你在第三段是想重在说明它们造成的后果，所以是不是可以将论点稍微修改，而使两者有机的锲合。
2.另外，在第四段，你说明了科学并不是不能解决一些问题，并做出了论证。思路也没有问题，不过，首先，开头的表述有问题：最好不要用设问句，不符合语言习惯；其次，这几个论据也还可以，不过我觉得可以针对你在第二段提出的几个问题再用科学的方法解答一下，这样显得前呼后应。
3.结尾部分给我的感觉是好象又提出了一个新论点“we need to trust the mainstream science even though it does not developed enough to meet our needs”，这种情况要避免。不过这点我也不太肯定，需要讨论。
4.最后，想和你讨论个问题，我个人认为题目所说“Such nonmainstream areas of inquiry as astrology, fortune-telling, and psychic and paranormal pursuits”不等同于你文中的“nonmainstream science”,毕竟题目中的这些东西根本就不是科学，需要界定一下区别。所以是不是考虑更换个词直接用原文种说法？

我看了两边，大概就说这么多，想起来再补充吧。你先看一下，然后再交流哈。

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liyi2321
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板凳

发表于 2007-7-28 12:54:34 |只看该作者

谢谢指点，我在看了别人的文章后确实感觉自己忽略了两个问题：
首先对于非主流科学和主流科学的定义，我的作文中不是很明确。
其次，我的论点中一个关键的问题是：重要性的问题，而我在看了别人的文章后感觉我在作文中对于不重要的原因说的不详细（也就是你说的没有论证清楚非主流科学为什么是不合理和主观的。）

非常感谢你仔细的指出了我的语言问题，我自己现在在写作文的时候可能有点忽视了语言，我的观念是只要能够达意就可以了，所以有些语言上准确和地道的程度不够。我会在后期努力去提高语言表达的水平。

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