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上完体育课 太累了 先改作文吧
TOPIC: ARGUMENT137 - The following appeared in an editorial in the Mason City newspaper.
"At present, Mason City residents seldom use the nearby Mason River for any kind of recreational activity, even though surveys of the region's residents consistently rank water sports (swimming, fishing, and boating) as a favorite form of recreation. Since there have been complaints about the quality of the water in the river, residents must be avoiding the river because they think that it is not clean enough. But that situation is about to change: the agency responsible for rivers in our region has announced plans to clean up Mason River. Therefore, recreational use of the river is likely to increase, so the Mason City council will need to increase its budget for improvements to the publicly owned lands along the Mason River."
WORDS: 554 TIME: 0:30:00 DATE: 2008/10/9
In this argument, the author claims that the Mason City need to improve the publicly owned lands along the Mason River, because after the river is cleaned up, more and more people will use the river for recreational activities. Close scrutiny shows that the evidences lend little support to the conclusion. 其实我一直很支持简单的开头 把精力投入到正文写作 这样的开头不错
To begin with, the author unfairly assumes that the residents of Mason City need to use Mason River for recreation. In this argument, the author cites that residents of Mason City are fond of water sports. If it is true, there must be many good places in Mason City for swimming, fishing, and boating. The gyms in this city must all have swimming pools because swimming is popular. There maybe several parks in the city where people can go for fishing or boating. If not, how can the residents consistently rank water sports as their favorite? 可能是因为我对这篇argu的批驳定位于那个本身不确定的survey 所以我觉得你这里的写法太过于武断 本身也可以被批驳 喜欢水上运动 这个城市就一定要有很多地方可以游泳? 喜欢水上运动 每个体育馆都有必要有游泳池?而且介于这只是个调查 完全有可能因为调查的不合理 比如备选选项很少 除了水上运动 其他运动大家更不喜欢才勉强选水上运动 而且喜欢水上运动就一定会去实践吗? 这也未必吧 很多人都是做调查的时候说喜欢 可究竟去不去参加 又是两码事情了 For that matter, people will not eager to use Mason River as another place for water sports. Therefore, it is not necessary to improve the public lands along the river. 所以我觉得应该这样批驳 首先调查本身是值得怀疑的----- 也许被调查者不具有代表性 比如在游泳馆附近展开调查 所以很有可能mason居民根本不是那么喜欢水上运动 即使他们真的很喜欢水上运动 ---------那么很有可能mason市已经有很多游泳馆公园可以满足他们的需求了 根本没有必要增加.... 个人觉得argument里面凡是出现 study survey research 一般都有问题
What is more, the author fails to consider other possible reasons for the seldom using of Mason River. No evidence shows that the quality of the water is the most important reason which prevent people to(有 prevent to? 我语法不好 告诉我一声 呵呵) use Mason River for recreation.赞 一语点破 argu就是需要这种清晰明了的句子 It is entirely possible that Mason River is too terrantial to be used for swimming or boating regardless how clean the water it is. Or perhaps there is a chemical factory nearby the river so that eating fish in the river is not healthy.这个例子比较一般 都chemical factory 哪里还敢游泳 钓鱼不健康 游泳就更不健康了 The location of Mason River is also important, is it near the residential area? 这里应该在加一句吧 这样结束太唐突了 至少加一个if not, 怎么样怎么样 Without ruling out other possible reasons, the author can not convince me that residents will go to Mason River for recreation after the water is cleaned up.
The author also unfairly assumes that the Mason River will be definitely cleaned up. Although the agency has announced plans to clean up (the) Mason River, it can not guarantee that the plans will be effective. Announcement is one thing, operation the cleaning plan is anoher thing.(这个用法确定吗? 确定告诉我一声) No evidence shows that the agency is responsible enough. If the agency is responsible and efficient, why there have been complaints about the quality of the water in the river? If they keep the quality of the water well, there would be no need to clean up it.关于这个批驳点我觉得从这个方面去写不太好 我觉得问题不是出在这个agency负责不负责上 而是在于他们是否真的有办法把水弄干净 弄干净以后 居民一定会买账吗? 毕竟有心理阴影 这个道理很像 经过处理过的污水再生成为饮用水 尽管科学表明肯定没问题 可是你真的一定能接受吗?你这样写觉得有点牵强哈~ 这里最好加一个连词therefore.否则突然反应不过来 It would be better to disscuss the budget after the river is truely cleaned up.
Even if we accept all the assumptions, it does not necessarily means the Mason City council need to add budget for improvements to the public lands along the river. Nothing is mentioned the condition of the public lands, and we can not conclude that the lands can not meet residents needs. Does people need to use the public lands when they do water sports? In addtion, increasing budget will add the tax of residents, does that worth the cost? 还成 中规中矩
To sum up, the argument is unconvincing as it stands. To substantiate it, the author need to do some detailed suverys about why people seldom use Mason River for water sports, and cite more evidence(+s?) show that the agency will clean up the river. Furthermore, more datas are needed in order to bolster the plan for improving the public lands along the river.
恩 的确限时会有一些影响 看得出逻辑问题就没有办法思考的这么严密了~
这方面还是要锻炼 而且很多例子的确在短时间内 很难想得很完美
模板的痕迹感觉更加重了 加油多练肯定会有效果的! |
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