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misir
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2010-2-7 19:06:33 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

TOPIC: ARGUMENT117 - The following is a memo from the business manager of Valu-Mart stores.
"Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that they are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. Since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past, we should take advantage of this work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. We will also increase stock of office supplies such as paper, pens, and staplers. With these changes, our office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of our stores."
WORDS: 408
TIME: 00:51:30
DATE: 2010/2/7 18:14:38

The author provides unconvincing evidence which makes the argument unpersuasive in several aspects.

To begin with, the author fails to provide the details of the work at home. There are various kinds of work which can be completed at home, not only the official work the author mentioned above. For example, some factories may ask their workers to work at home (like gloves-making) so that they can save the renting money to update their machine. Thus, the author can not come to the conclusion that the stores need more home office machine.

Even assuming that the work at home is almost about the office working, the author can not assert that all the Valu-Mart should increase the stock of home office machine. It is likely that most of the workers who work or will work at home come from the limited region, saying X, so only the Valu-Mart stores in this area need to increase the stock. However, every store has its own situation. The stores in X maybe have a full stock of home office machines so there is no need to increase, or they are just next to a store which only sales office machines with a lower price compared to the Valu-Mart. In the situations above, the strategy to increase the stock of home office machines may be in vain, not to mention to make profit. Without more information about all the Valu-Mart stores, the author's assertion seems unconvincing as it stands.

Even assuming that all the Valu-Mart stores should increase their stock of home office machines, the conclusion that the office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of the stores comes from nowhere. If it is approaching to Christmas Day, many people will pour into the stores for gifts, Christmas trees, foods, drinks, and so on. It is also possible that the town suffers a shortage of water, so the water, no matter bottle water or soft drinks, will be in great needed, and as a result, the profit of selling water may be the most profitable. Without providing the details of the current situation of the town, the author can not say that the office-supply departments will be the most profitable component.

In sum, to strengthen the argument, the author must give more evidence about the workers, the conditions of all the stores, and the current situations of the town; only in that way can the author make a better decision for the stores' future.

有晴雨娃娃相伴的日子。。。

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a08805436
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沙发

发表于 2010-2-8 11:10:30 |只看该作者

The author provides unconvincing evidence which makes the argument unpersuasive in several aspects.

To begin with, the author fails to provide the details of the work at home. There are various kinds of work which can be completed at home, not only the official work the author mentioned above. For example, some factories may ask their workers to work at home (like gloves-making) so that they can save the renting money to update their machine. Thus, the author can not come to the conclusion that the stores need more home office machine.

Even assuming that the work at home is almost about the office working, the author can not assert that all the Valu-Mart should increase the stock of home office machine. It is likely that most of the workers who work or will work at home come from the limited region, saying X, so only the Valu-Mart stores in this area need to increase the stock. However, every store has its own situation. The stores in X maybe have a full stock of home office machines so there is no need to increase, or they are just next to a store which only sales office machines with a lower price compared to the Valu-Mart. In the situations above, the strategy to increase the stock of home office machines may be in vain, not to mention to make profit. Without more information about all the Valu-Mart stores, the author's assertion seems unconvincing as it stands.

Even assuming that all the Valu-Mart stores should increase their stock of home office machines, the conclusion that the office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of the stores comes from nowhere. If it is approaching to Christmas Day, many people will pour into the stores for gifts, Christmas trees, foods, drinks, and so on. It is also possible that the town suffers a shortage of water, so the water, no matter bottle water or soft drinks, will be in great needed, and as a result, the profit of selling water may be the most profitable. Without providing the details of the current situation of the town, the author can not say that the office-supply departments will be the most profitable component.

In sum, to strengthen the argument, the author must give more evidence about the workers, the conditions of all the stores, and the current situations of the town; only in that way can the author make a better decision for the stores' future.

简短的开头的确很吸引人，但是如不在开头指明你的攻击要点及攻击顺序，阅卷人是很难明白你的文章思路的。希望能多写一到两句开头
此外，论证过程是逻辑推理，不是单纯的maybe，it is likely that···。
总体评分：3分个人意见，仅供参考
by a08805436

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

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misir
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板凳

发表于 2010-2-8 13:03:05 |只看该作者

谢谢~我去看看范文。。。 2# a08805436

有晴雨娃娃相伴的日子。。。

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misir
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地板

发表于 2010-2-8 18:31:25 |只看该作者

重新写了一篇。。。
---------------------------
The author's conclusion that the office-supply departments will become the most profitable component is unconvincing. The survey cannot represent the trend, and no impressive sales in office-supply departments doesn't mean the need to increase the stocks of all stores.

Firstly, the author falsely makes a conclusion of work-at-home trend based on the survey. The survey just presents that over 70 percent of the respondents are required to take more work home. The survey fails to give more information which is of great importance, for instance, whether the respondents taking the survey are long-live people (that is to say, if they just come here for a short time and will leave for other places in immediate future). It is also likely that the town is in the end of the economic depression, which makes the rents surprisingly too high to afford for the factories, so the workers have to work home. But after the very period, everything will become normal again. Accordingly, the author's deduction is against logic.

Secondly, even assuming that the work-at-home trend will happen, the author cannot say that all Valu-Mart stores should increase the stock of home office supplies. There is no evidence showing that the work at home is mostly about office work. It can be industry of making gloves or something like that, and it is common sense that making gloves need no office machines or supplies. In this case, the increasing stocks would be in vain. What's more, the stock of office supplies in every store can't be the same. One may be in full capacity, while the other is nearly empted. Also, if the workers who will work home live in the limited area or region, only the store which in or near the special region should increase the stock when the stock is low. Thus, the author cannot convince me that all stores should increase the stocks of home office supplies.

Thirdly, even assuming that all stores should increase the stocks of home office supplies, the assertion that the office-supply departments will become the most profitable component is false. Although the stocks increase, it is likely that the revenue will decrease, not to mention the profit. Too many supplies may lead to the price falling, which makes the revenue decrease, according to the relationship between supply and demand. On other conditions, like it is approaching to Christmas Day, so every goes to the store for gifts, Christmas trees, foods and drinks, and these items' profit may exceed to the home office machines. Without any details about the circumstance, the author can not persuade me.

In sum, to strengthen the argument, the author must give more evidence about the workers, the conditions of all the stores, and the current situations of the town; only in that way can the author make a better decision for the stores' future.

有晴雨娃娃相伴的日子。。。

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misir
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5楼

发表于 2010-2-18 13:39:03 |只看该作者

水水改的：
The author's conclusion that the office-supply departments will become the most profitable component is unconvincing. The survey(前面最好提及survey) cannot represent the trend, and no impressive sales in office-supply departments doesn't mean the need to increase the stocks of all stores.(这句话重点不明显)

Firstly, the author falsely makes a conclusion of work-at-home trend based on the survey. The survey just presents that over 70 percent of the respondents are required to take more work home. The survey fails to(注意，前面说的是作者错误做了结论，而这里你在说survey本身的错误。) give more information which is of great importance, for instance, whether the respondents taking the survey are long-live people (that is to say, if they just come here for a short time and will leave for other places in immediate future). It is also likely that the town is in the end of the economic depression, which makes the rents surprisingly too high to afford for the factories, so the workers have to work home. But after the very period, everything will become normal again. 后面要具体说明为什么作者错了Accordingly, the author's deduction is against logic.

Secondly, even assuming that the work-at-home trend will happen（这里又是说trend是否会发生了。与上面并不能够很好的连贯起来~）, the author cannot say that all Valu-Mart stores should increase the stock of home office supplies. There is no evidence showing that the work at home is mostly about office work. It can be industry of making gloves or something like that, and it is common sense that making gloves(这个gloves的例子我感觉怪怪的。。) need no office machines or supplies. In this case, the increasing stocks would be in vain. What's more, the stock of office supplies in every store can't be the same. One may be in full capacity, while the other is nearly empted. Also, if the workers who will work home live in the limited area or region, only the store which in or near the special region should increase the stock when the stock is low. Thus, the author cannot convince me that all stores should increase the stocks of home office supplies.
这里，你大致就是对那个by批判了，一个是all，还一个是office machines。但是为啥不说库存的问题。。

Thirdly, even assuming that all stores should increase the stocks of home office supplies, the assertion that the office-supply departments will become the most profitable component is false. Although the stocks increase, it is likely that the revenue will decrease, not to mention the profit. Too many supplies may lead to the price falling, which makes the revenue decrease(这里说不通，需要详细说明), according to the relationship between supply and demand. On other conditions, like it is approaching to Christmas Day, so every goes to the store for gifts, Christmas trees, foods and drinks, and these items' profit may exceed to the home office machines. Without any details about the circumstance, the author can not persuade me.
另外。the most 还需和别人比较。所以这里也应该提一下。

这里，你漏掉了一点。Since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past, we should…这里的since为因为的意思。这点我觉得很值得批判一下。

In sum, to strengthen the argument, the author must give more evidence about the workers, the conditions of all the stores, and the current situations of the town; only in that way can the author make a better decision for the stores' future.

感觉本篇语法上没多大问题，但是错误和如果组织自己的语言逻辑的把这些错误表达出来还有待提高。

有晴雨娃娃相伴的日子。。。

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