[i习作temp] Issue80 请指正！ [复制链接]

dshen3
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楼主

发表于 2012-6-4 09:53:06 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

Issue80 为何每次总是超出五六分钟...

Nations should suspend government funding for the arts when significant number of their citizens are hungry or unemployed

The wisdom of government rests on the fact that it always has to take appropriate measures to get a trade-off among groups with contradictory interest. Since arts are no less important than bread and work, I disagree with the unfair and rash assertion that nations should suspend government funding for the arts when significant number of their citizens are hungry or unemployed.

To begin with, it is self-evident that arts, food and work have their own significance for a nation. No doubt we need sufficient food and jobs to settle people in ease in our society, largely based on which we establish the stable social order. However, we should not ignore the flip side: the role arts play for the order and integrity of the nation. Undeniably, arts could solidify different people and make them envision the future of their nation. For instance, the huge arts legacy early American painters left to us about the spectacular landscape of our nation are still able to draw the deep patriotic sentiment from all of us. Such power of arts could really help us advance through the depressions in which situation we have high unemployment rate as well as scarcity of food but still stand together as one nation.

Secondly, the products of arts possess a large market. They are not in conflict with food and jobs at all. Instead, arts market more often than not relieves the severity of what bad economy inflicts upon us. We can absorb those who are unemployed into the production line of arts commodities, such as handcrafted African puppets or Native American cult masks, which is always popular among our people. By funding these projects, we can solve partially the unemployment problem on the one hand, and enlarge the arts market which could further offer more jobs on the other.

Thirdly, when one nation can never afford to fund the activities related with arts out of the reason that it is deeply entrapped by harsh economic depression, we should take the chance to reconsider the policies of the government rather than contradict the food and jobs with the arts. If a modern nation is inept to raise the population with enthusiasms in engaging with arts, it has already lagged behind the historical progress. Because one of the defining features of a modern nation lies in its capability to encourage people's participation in arts and offer enough funding for them to improve arts.

Overall, I disagree with the hasty claim that opposes arts with the employment and economic climate of a nation. When a nation fails to boost any activities related with arts, unfortunately, it already signals such a nation is facing a horrible process of digression.

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rippersean
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沙发

发表于 2012-6-4 16:22:46 |只看该作者

The wisdom of government rests on the fact that it always has to take appropriate measures to get a trade-off among groups with contradictory interest. Since arts are no less important than bread and work,把结论当条件，感觉不太好。我觉得这里可以用一个让步转折“很多人觉得吃饱肚子才能搞艺术，然而……” I disagree with the unfair and rash assertion that nations should suspend government funding for the arts when significant number of their citizens are hungry or unemployed.
开头很好，用词很棒
To begin with, it is self-evident that arts, food and work have their own significance for a nation. No doubt we need sufficient food and jobs to settle people in ease感觉有点儿怪这个用法 in our society, largely based on which we establish the stable social order. However, we should not ignore the flip side: the role arts play for the order and integrity of the nation. Undeniably, arts could solidify different people and make them envision the future of their nation. For instance, the huge arts legacy early American painters left to us about the spectacular landscape of our nation are still able to draw the deep patriotic sentiment from all of us. Such power of arts could really help us advance through the depressions in which situation we have high unemployment rate as well as scarcity of food but still stand together as one nation.
最后一句话有点儿绕口，拆开写好点儿感觉。
Secondly, the products of arts possess a large market. They are not in conflict with food and jobs at all. Instead, 感觉缺个连接词arts market more often than not relieves the severity of what bad economy inflicts upon us. We can absorb those who are unemployed into the production line of arts commodities, such as handcrafted African puppets or Native American cult masks, which is always popular among our people. By funding these projects, we can solve partially the unemployment problem on the one hand, and enlarge the arts market which could further offer more jobs on the other.
Thirdly, when one nation can never afford to fund the activities related with arts out of the reason that it is deeply entrapped by harsh economic depression, we should take the chance to reconsider the policies of the government rather than contradict the food and jobs with the arts. If a modern nation is inept to raise the population with enthusiasms这个有复数吗？ in engaging with arts, it has already lagged behind the historical progress. Because one of the defining features of a modern nation lies in its capability to encourage people's participation in arts and offer enough funding for them to improve arts.
还是最后一句，有点儿绕。。
Overall, I disagree with the hasty claim that opposes arts with the employment and economic climate of a nation. When a nation fails to boost any activities related with arts, unfortunately, it already signals such a nation is facing a horrible process of digression.

文章写的真不错~用词相当高级，句式复杂，论述有力，而且专门挑个全反的，更难写了。460多字，非常给力。
夸的话不多说了，提一个问题。我觉得楼主这篇文章就是因为句式复杂过头了，全都是长难句，没有那种长短并济的节奏感和朗朗上口的阅读感，如果能将一些长句写成更有力的短句，那就更锦上添花了。
一点儿拙见，说的不对请谅解。

附上我刚写的一篇，求改：
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=1385629&page=1&extra=#pid1776011143