[i习作temp] Issue114 请指点，谢谢！ [复制链接]

snowman
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2005-1-7 18:06:46 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

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coolblazeverest
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沙发

发表于 2005-1-7 19:05:35 |只看该作者

;) SHIFT for future

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

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pdyhc
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板凳

发表于 2005-1-7 20:52:33 |只看该作者

呵呵，我的砖头有点重哈

Issue114: “Humanity has made little real progress over the past century or so. Technological innovations have taken place, but the overall condition of humanity is no better. War, violence, and poverty are still with us. Technology cannot change the condition of humanity.”

Can technology completely change the condition of humanity? I cannot give out[out多余的吧] an absolutely positive answer or a negative one, for the condition of humanity involves diverse aspects of society and the whole world. Although technological innovations have taken place, depending on mere technology，we should not solve all problems of humanity, such as war, violence and poverty. However, we also should not overlook the contributions that have been made to the condition of humanity by technology. I will try to demonstrate my view on this issue as follows.[感觉不够精练和深入]

In the first place, technology has improved the condition of humanity in the social area. Let us see the agricultural technology, using advanced agricultural machines and technologies enable a given farm land to yield much more food than before, in this way,[改成in which case？] more people can survive with the extra food, and thus decrease part of famine in the world. Moreover, medical technology has made greatly development[主动结构，错], and public sanitation and （curing of illness）[people's healthy conditions] have been advanced  significantly, and health-care in large part ensures the stability of society. Furthermore, with the development of information technology, globalization is increasingly growing up, and then the whole world is more like “an earth village” now. An example is the recent tsunami happened in the southern Asia, people all over the world know this catastrophe immediately by the means of the modern media, such as radios, televisions and the Internet, which are supported by the technological innovations. And as a reaction, many people take part in the activity to help disastrous peoples.[这个例子非常好，但是还没有利用到顶。潜在价值没有挖掘够，还有很大发展空间]In my view, from discussed above everyone can see the advancement of condition of humanity.

In the second place, technological innovations also have improved human daily lives, and help people get rid of hard work in many aspects. For example, agriculture machinery helps farmers get out of the strenuous agricultural works, and it is possible for farmers to have more leisure time. In addition, with the inventions of household electrical appliances, such as washing machines, dish-washing machines, vacuum cleaners and so forth, housewives can extricate out of the onerous housework, and then can take part in social affairs and hence they should have their occupations and careers. Thus technology enables women to change their social status and meanwhile get more human rights. Moreover, assembly-lines replace manufacturers’ workers, and then machines directed by computers do more dangerous work instead of human beings. From the changes made by technology just listed, we can see that human beings' condition has been improved.

Admittedly, there are war, violence and poverty, which exist along with the history of human beings for a long time. Only depending on technology, we cannot eliminate all of these things, what is more, they require more care of human being, understanding between nations, and the power of all people in the world to mitigate.

In sum, based on discussed above, I would like to put forward my point of view on this issue[这种话，好硬啊，一点起承转合的味道都没有]: technology has indeed improved the condition of humanity, （but to improve the condition of humanity only depending on technology is not enough,）[不地道。倒过来好点，but depending only on technology is not enough to improve the condition of humanity.感觉仍不够好，但是读起来似乎顺了些。 ] rather, it requires the united power of people all over the world.
[感觉你的表达确实还有待提高啊。句子给人感觉松散凌乱，不紧凑]
[还需要大手术。我还有5天上考场，但是我目前只写了两篇。所以我暂时没有时间来一一修改你的句子。等我考完，我希望我还能静下心来给你看这篇文章，把我认为写的过于松散的句子给你动动手术]
[上面是表达的问题]
[目前我能做的是回头写一篇这个topic的文章和你探讨。]

[整体来看，感觉你对issue的实质也没把握住。很多有价值的点你没有挖倒]
我的粗略的提纲如下，供参考：

1 Humanity has made little real progress over the past century or so.所谓人类没有取得进步是什么？哪方面？人类在某些方面可能确实没有进展，但是很明显在某些方面取得了巨大进展。作者的的第一句宽泛而且绝对而且没有根据，也不客观。这句话问题很大。要展多开可展多开（但是针对这个Issue，由于很有话可说，所以就不必囿于这句话了。如果在其他不好写Issue里，这第一句话就很有论证价值了）

2    整个issue 忽略了技术带来的巨大好处。其实好处大大outweigh坏处

3 issue里的严重逻辑错误。人们的条件没有得到改善，一些严重的问题出现或仍未消失，不是技术本身的问题，而是可能是人们对技术的滥用。无论是原子弹还是生物技术，从技术本身来说都是值得肯定的。该否定的是人们对待技术的态度和方式，比如蒋生物技术用来做生化武器

4 War, violence, and poverty are still with us不是技术的fault。仅就这三个方面来说，技术的对其也有贡献，相对以前，技术已经大大改善他们了。另外，正因为这些东西还存在，我们更需要继续大力发展技术来解决这些问题。很多condition 的改变和提高还要依靠技术
5 Technology cannot change the condition of humanity.”是完全错误的无端的结论。不管是正面的或是负面的，技术必然会影响我们，从而我们的条件也会变，无论变好变坏。人类的历史，尤其是近代史体现了技术的巨大威力和对人类深刻的影响。技术的影响如今已无处不再，这是总所周之的

感觉这篇比较好写，所以想拿来做限时练习。今天有点晚了，精神状态也不太好。明天大早打算来限时炼一下，争取明早贴出来和你叫板 ;)  :D

呵呵，考完了，感觉还可以，一切都还顺利，没有浪费一分钟，时间全部利用上了，感觉时间还是很紧哦。虽有好的思想但是来不及全部表达。不过基本上达到ETS要求了吧，觉得要拿个够用的4分还是有希望的。自己感觉考场上写的时候比前几天的限时作文还顺手些。我平时限时作文总是思维卡壳，今天还好，由于题目对胃口，没有停顿下来思考过，所以字数感觉应该上了400 的了。可是我练习时有次只有394字啊。题目我已经帖到机经那个主题下了，大家参考一下。

有很多经验想和大家分享，待后整理出来再帖上来吧。

由于应付考试，老板的课题有半个月没做了。所以接下来的日子我还是会很忙。但是我会抽时间尽我所能看大家的作文的。

因为我的时间不是很充分，所以我可能会尽可能先看很快要考的朋友的作文，记得好像snowman比我只晚四天，刚才看到还有不怕开水烫的猪好像也很快要考了。等我这个周加完班，再看其他朋友的作文。让我们一起为我们的梦想而努力！！！

今天上QQ第一条消息是来自GTER上网友zhangsx的，很感动，竟然有人记得并祝福我。真的很感动。

在这里，我也衷心祝这里的所有GTER都在考场上充分发挥出水平，圆自己的梦想！！！大家一起努力吧

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