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[a习作temp] Argument1 我的第一篇,请指正 [复制链接]

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发表于 2004-11-7 22:45:49 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览
1The following appeared in a memorandum written by the vice president of Nature's Way, a chain of stores selling health food and other health-related products.

"Previous experience has shown that our stores are most profitable in areas where residents are highly concerned with leading healthy lives. We should therefore build our next new store in Plainsville, which has many such residents. Plainsville merchants report that sales of running shoes and exercise clothing are at all-time highs. The local health club, which nearly closed five years ago due to lack of business, has more members than ever, and the weight training and aerobics classes are always full. We can even anticipate a new generation of customers: Plainsville's schoolchildren are required to participate in a 'fitness for life' program, which emphasizes the benefits of regular exercise at an early age."




提纲:
1。不能说明PEOPLE ARE HIGHLY CONCERNED WITH LEADING HEALTHY LIVES。
2。健康项目强调运动不能说明SCHOOLCHILDREN会是NATURE‘S WAY的消费者。
3。COST的问题,新开店不能保证PROFITABLE。
4。以前的经验不能说明今后也适用。   

The arguer points out that the Nature’s Way should open a new chain store in PLainsville. But in my point of view, this conclusion is drawn from several problematic assumptions, which make the conclusion groundless. No evidence shows that Plainsville is a place where residents are highly concerned with leading healthy lives, and their stores may not be profitable even in a place that fits that description, because people who are concerned about living healthily will not necessarily be the consumers of Nature’s Way. Also opening a new store may be too expensive, which is not even considered here.  

There is no evidence to show that People living in Plainsville are highly concerned with leading healthy lives. The Plainsville merchants’ report that sales of running shoes and exercise clothing are at all-time highs cannot prove that residents there care about living healthy lives, because many people who do exercise only for fun may not even care whether the exercise they do is healthy or not. And other factors may account for good sales of running shoes and exercise clothing, such as the popularity of these style among people. Many people do weight training and join aerobics classes only because they want to look better, so these training classes’ fullness cannot support the argument that people living in Plainsville care about whether the way they live is the healthy way of living.

The “fitness for life” program in which Plainsville’s schoolchildren are required to participate does emphasize benefits of regular exercise at an early age, but this does not mean that these schoolchildren will be consumers of health food and other health-related products. The arguer made a direct correlation between doing exercise regularly and buying health-related products which are not logically connected.

The author’s concept that Nature’s Way’s stores are most profitable in places where people highly care about leading healthy lives can only be known from previous experience, which means that this concept may not be invalid in the future.

According to general principals, one can only make profit where the revenue is greater than the cost. But the arguer does not consider the cost of opening a new store, which may be too expensive. We cannot guarantee that the Nature’s Way would be profitable without considering the cost of opening new business.

In summary, the recommendation for opening a new Nature’s Way store in Plainsville is not well supported. I must point out that the causal links between the conclusion and the facts from which the conclusion is drawn are doubtable; moreover those facts lack credibility themselves.
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沙发
发表于 2004-11-8 15:47:51 |只看该作者

两个问题

1 第一段太长了,强烈要求缩减
2 第四段和第五段的长度不适合,两段都太短,看起来外观不舒服,就是说长象不是ETS喜欢看的摸样。呵呵
因为改卷时间非常有限,所以建议楼主将格式和字数练习一下,临场的时候就要写出心目中认定的外观
除去内容的推敲,这个练习还是很必要的哦。
沉浸在蔡琴和神秘园的世界里,所有的烦恼最终都会化作生活的智慧,所有的愁肠百结最终都会成为云淡风轻的往事,所有的抉择最终都会沉淀成心香一瓣,但愿年轻的心在成长的路途上能少一份浮躁,多一份安详

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板凳
发表于 2004-11-9 08:10:11 |只看该作者
谢了

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地板
发表于 2004-11-9 14:07:01 |只看该作者
我晚上回来再帮你看看

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发表于 2004-11-9 23:51:42 |只看该作者
建议你研究下模板 即使不抄写,也可将大概和格式知道下

语言 重复太多 和我一样。 看了你的知道我的错误了

哈哈

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RE: Argument1 我的第一篇,请指正 [修改]
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Argument1 我的第一篇,请指正
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