[i习作temp] Issue 72 major cities,第一次完整写，麻烦大家帮忙多指教[请求] [复制链接]

savageboyfh
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电梯直达

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发表于 2004-12-8 12:58:55 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

72  One can best understand the most important characteristics of a society by
studying its major cities.

The speaker asserts that it is by studying its major cities can one best understand the most important characteristics - including politics, economy and culture - of a society. It is tempting to agree with the speaker that major cities are the central image of one society.  As far as I am concerned, one can learn a lot by studying big cities in public politics; when it comes to culture, however, we should take our society as a whole into consideration, which involves other cities and rural area and most importantly, the history.

First of all, consider the significant role major cities play in our society's politics. It is where party members assemble, spread their political view and initiate a political campaign. When preparation for general election begins, candidates travel through major cities all over the country, give lectures, and persuade the constituency to vote for him or her. It is where the government runs, and publicizes the policies.

Secondly, consider the same role major cities play in economy realm. The New York City, which is one of the most famous metropolises in this world, is the economy center of the U.S.  . Wall Street leads the tide of finance and business, and the New York Stock Exchange reflects the status quo of whole country's economy. Skyscrapers, crowded streets and heavy traffic lead us to the typical feature of a developed world. In China, however, though there are also big cities like Beijing and Shanghai, which have a big portion of total amount of social economy, we cannot ignore the rural area in which two thirds of the population, that is 0.8 billion people, live. The gap between the lifestyles of those living in major cities and those living in rural areas are too large to be neglected. In some parts of the impoverished Western China, people cannot gain enough water and medicine, and children suffer from low living standard and poor education.

Finally, if we want to obtain a whole image of one society's culture, it is no use studying major cities only, whether in developed world or in developing world. No one would deny the American Cowboy is the central image of the American culture, the man full of passion and courage, riding a horse, galloping in the America's west, and chasing outlaws. But we cannot find any link between cowboy and major cities. The Indian culture should not be overshadowed, especially when we research the American social history. Many cultural traditions are saved as folk-custom and folklores, which can be hardly seen in big cities any more. In China, spring festival is celebrated and regarded as a more significant event in rural areas rather than in major cities, where people are more likely to celebrate Christmas and Thanksgiving Day.

In sum, without any case-by-case study it is presumptuous to make any conclusion about which place can represent the features of one society. Admittedly, major cities have advantages, especially in politics and economy. But when we refer to social culture, we can only see part of it in big cities.

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不怕开水烫的猪
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沙发

发表于 2004-12-8 21:22:06 |只看该作者

写的很好，思路很清楚。不过有几个句子还存在些问题。
B2 段似乎缺少了一个明确的中心句。如果去掉consider那句，在前面加上一句
When it comes to economy, whether majoy cities represent the most important characteristics of a society is determined by a case-by-case basis related with different economic conditions.然后再比较中国和美国的不同，是否会使本段的结构和论点都突出一些？

72 One can best understand the most important characteristics of a society by studying its major cities.

The speaker asserts that it is by studying its major cities can one best understand the most important characteristics - including politics, economy and culture - of a society. It is tempting to agree with the speaker that major cities are the central image of one society这句后面是不是应该加一句because什么的来说明为什么tempting啊？ As far as I am concerned, one can learn a lot by studying big cities in public politics; when it comes to culture, however, we should take our society as a whole into consideration, which involves other cities and rural area and most importantly, the history. 这里分情况讨论分的很好，但是好像把经济给丢了。

First of all, consider the significant role major cities play in our society's politics. It is where party members assemble, spread their political view and initiate a political campaign. When preparation for general election begins, candidates travel through major cities all over the country, give lectures, and persuade the constituency to vote for him or her. It is where the government runs, and publicizes the policies.
动词之间的并列我感觉应该少用逗号连接，我不知道语法上是否正确，至少在阅读中很少见。要么用and连，要么后面的动词写成ing的独立成分，看起来句子也帅一些，呵呵

Secondly, consider the same role major cities play in economy realm. The New York City, which is one of the most famous metropolises in this world, is the economy center of the U.S. . Wall Street leads the tide of finance and business, and the New York Stock Exchange reflects the status quo of whole country's economy. Skyscrapers, crowded streets and heavy traffic lead us to the typical feature of a developed world. In China, however, though there are also big cities like Beijing and Shanghai, which have a big portion of total amount of social economy, we cannot ignore the rural area in which two thirds of the population, that is 0.8 billion people, live. The gap between the lifestyles of those living in major cities and those living in rural areas are too large to be neglected. In some parts of the impoverished Western China, people cannot gain enough water and medicine, and children suffer from low living standard and poor education.

Finally, if we want to obtain a whole image of one society's culture, [U]it is no use studying major cities only, [/U] 这句可以换个更好的说法 whether in developed world or in developing world. No one would deny（that） the American Cowboy is the central image of the American culture, [U]the man full of passion and courage, riding a horse, galloping in the America's west, and chasing outlaws[/U]这半句和前半句什么关系？要注意句子的结构，不是越繁越好的 But we cannot find any link between cowboy and major cities. The Indian culture should not be overshadowed, especially when we research the American social history. Many cultural traditions are saved as folk-custom and folklores, which can be hardly seen in big cities any more. In China, spring festival is celebrated and regarded as a more significant event in rural areas rather than in major cities, where people are more likely to celebrate Christmas and Thanksgiving Day.

In sum, without any case-by-case study it is presumptuous to make any conclusion about which place can represent the features of one society. Admittedly, major cities have advantages, especially in politics and economy. But when we refer to social culture, we can only see part of it in big cities.

总的感觉不错，加油加油！

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savageboyfh
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板凳

发表于 2004-12-10 12:39:49 |只看该作者

不怕开水烫的猪兄
谢谢你的批改，也谢谢你的鼓励：）第一次写真的很头痛，半天写不出几个词你的鼓励让我有了继续下去的动力很喜欢这里的氛围互相帮助互相鼓励初来乍到各位达人多关照~~ ：）

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lakeqian
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地板

发表于 2004-12-11 02:24:41 |只看该作者

One can best understand the most important characteristics of a society by
studying its major cities.
如果题目是这样，那么要写出“研究大城市能让我们了解社会特征”。而你只是从三方面说大城市很重要吧。

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