寄托天下
查看: 1024|回复: 3
打印 上一主题 下一主题

[活动] COMEON作文小组------laureljia 8月28日作业 [复制链接]

Rank: 2

声望
0
寄托币
267
注册时间
2007-12-19
精华
0
帖子
0
跳转到指定楼层
楼主
发表于 2008-8-28 23:43:38 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览
第二点都没时间展开说,只好省了.既使这样还是超时10分钟.
I definitely agree that all people, not just the young, should have the ability to plan and organize. My point of contention involves the importance of planning and organizing for youngsters’ career development and their daily life.

In the long run, planning and organizing will make the young to have a clear mind about their future development such as career path. Given the limited time and energy, it is better for the youth to ask themselves: in what realm I want to devote myself? Do I have the talent essential for this career? Am I truly interested in this area? All this is necessary pre-consideration, or we say, planning. Absent of this, life is simply like a boat drifting aimlessly on the ocean.

In our daily life, we should also have the ability to arrange things in an appropriate order. Otherwise, the case would be, more often than not, that the most important thing has been totally neglected, while the trivial ones have been finished right at the start.

Plan themselves do not suffice to ensure efficiency. Many students have such an experience: when you get up in the morning and eat your breakfast, then you turn on the computer and begin to surf on the internet. After you have viewed all the news and gossips, you find that it is already noon, and the plans you have made last night are totally forgotten. This experience tells us the importance of carrying on your plan.  

Needless to say, modern people should have the ability to arrange things in good order since efficiency is greatest idol of our time. Moreover, this ability is especially crucial for young people, since they have to make plans about there career path so as to embrace their glorious future.
回应
0

使用道具 举报

Rank: 2

声望
0
寄托币
310
注册时间
2008-1-3
精华
0
帖子
0
沙发
发表于 2008-8-29 14:19:13 |只看该作者
不好意思,改晚了!刚才电脑闹情绪,修理这家伙去了。
整体感觉,今天的作文不是很好写,lz写得也没昨天好!

I definitely agree that all people, not just the young, should have the ability to plan and organize. My point of contention involves the importance of planning and organizing for youngsters’ career development and their daily life.(开篇还是不错,一如既往的简洁明了。)
I definitely agree that all people, not just the young, should have the ability to plan and organize. My point of contention involves the importance of planning and organizing for youngsters’ career development and their daily life.(开篇还是不错,一如既往的简洁明了。)

In the long run, planning and organizing will make the young to have a clear mind about their future development such as career path. Given the limited time and energy, it is better for the youth to ask themselves: in what realm I want to devote myself? Do I have the talent essential for this career? Am I truly interested in this area? All this is necessary pre-consideration, or we say, planning. Absent of this(存疑,这样用好吗?或者请laureljia解释一下吧,也算是我学习一下), life is simply like a boat drifting aimlessly on the ocean.

In our daily life, we should also have the ability to arrange things in an appropriate order. Otherwise, the case would be, more often than not, that the most important thing has been totally neglected, while the trivial ones have been finished right at the start.(这一段的确没怎么展开,在这里就显得有些突兀了。而且,我感觉前面第二段是客观的在讲the young,这里的主语替换成了we。个人感觉不是很合适。最好坚持把观点落在the young身上)

Plan themselves do not suffice to ensure efficiency. Many students have such an experience: when you get up in the morning and eat your breakfast, then you turn on the computer and begin to surf on the internet. After you have viewed all the news and gossips, you find that it is already noon, and the plans you have made last night are totally forgotten. This experience tells us the importance of carrying on your plan.
(这一段似乎和第一段中心句提出的两个要点:career development以及daily life脱节。如果这一段是对应的第二个要点,那也会显得前后不太均衡!)
Needless to say, modern people should have the ability to arrange things in good order since efficiency is greatest idol(这个地方我也不是很明白了,这是什么意思呢?不好意思哈,俺的英语确实比较不咋地。) of our time. Moreover, this ability is especially crucial for young people, since they have to make plans about there career path so as to embrace their glorious future.
已有 1 人评分寄托币 收起 理由
IBT特别贡献基金 + 15 辛苦了:)

总评分: 寄托币 + 15   查看全部投币

使用道具 举报

Rank: 2

声望
0
寄托币
267
注册时间
2007-12-19
精华
0
帖子
0
板凳
发表于 2008-8-29 16:57:16 |只看该作者
刚才打了一堆,说验证吗不符,晕死:funk: 试试这次行不

使用道具 举报

Rank: 2

声望
0
寄托币
267
注册时间
2007-12-19
精华
0
帖子
0
地板
发表于 2008-8-29 17:04:46 |只看该作者
absent确实用错了:funk: 后面没有of
最后一点的确是脱节的,其实本来只打算在结尾点一句的,不知道怎么鬼使神差的就写成一段了,结果中间最重要的论证段没展开.
BTW第二点的例子我怎么一下都想不起来呢?觉得应该有很多啊?
总之今天写的很烂,写完自己都没心情在看了,谢谢yuanhu124 仔细的修改啊!:loveliness:

使用道具 举报

RE: COMEON作文小组------laureljia 8月28日作业 [修改]
您需要登录后才可以回帖 登录 | 立即注册

问答
Offer
投票
面经
最新
精华
转发
转发该帖子
COMEON作文小组------laureljia 8月28日作业
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-873653-1-1.html
复制链接
发送
报offer 祈福 爆照
回顶部