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ARGUMENT242【DIES IN FLAMES 0910G长线突破组】TASK I vidya [复制链接]

vidya
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电梯直达

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发表于 2009-3-10 22:23:38 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

In this argument, the author suggested that other college and university should adopt the honor codes similar to Groven's to reduce the amount of cheating matters in examination. Yet the author attempted to explain the benefit of honor code, I hardly seem the logical between the illustration and the conclusion.

Firstly, the date in the argument couldn't argue the cheating amounts cutting down. For the author only shows the cheating amounts after the measure is carried into execution. It is possible that the average amount of cheating is justly twenty-five before the measure, so that the honor code can't be proven far more successful. Moreover the author didn't indict the amounts of cheating in five years; the number of cheating possibly was great in five years and justly dropped at the fifth year.

Even if the number of cheating was really descended in the past, it can't prove the decrease of cheating was leaded by the honor code. The author is failing to consider other possible alternatives to the reducing cheating after adopt honor code. Such alternatives may include the fact that the difficulty of examination was reduced, which students didn't need cheating for high mark; or the quality of the teaching is developed, the students could absorb the knowledge comprehensive, they could easily confront the examination; or the faculty member weaken the extent of monitor, so that the possibility of cheating detected was reduced.

Further more, there are few disfigurements in the survey, the sample of survey could be only the student who’s good at study or the student of character, the sample didn't choose randomly. And the survey was accomplished by the Groveton honor council; there maybe had disposition in the survey.

Even through the decrease of cheating amounts is related with the honor code, it couldn't affirm the conduct that other colleges and universities adopt the honor codes is apposite. The phenomenon of cheating in examination is related to many factors, for instance, the aptitude of pedagogue, the ambience of study, the morality of students, etc.

To sum up, the author failed to discuss the fact that the honor code could reduce the number of cheating. To reduce the number of cheating in examination, the college could innovate in other aspect.

大概有两年多没写过英语作文了，提起笔写这篇ARGUMENT真的用了好大的勇气，加上最近不能上网查资料，这篇文章耗时自己近5个小时的时间才磕磕碰碰的写完。先不说文章逻辑结构怎么样，就连最基本的语言我自己都觉得是一塌糊涂，而且最糟糕的是结尾，我真的是找不到语言了，又不愿意套用范文里的句式，心想干脆将问题暴露得彻底一点，一次激励自己在今后的习作中多多努力，最后统计了一下字数，才380字左右，相比其他板油这是无地自容啊！后来又用了半天的时间准备修改一下，想凑点字数，可是实在不知道从哪些方面入手，干脆就将原文贴出来了。
我已经做好了最坏的打算，准备接受大虾和板油们猛烈的抨击，让暴风雨来的更猛烈些吧！

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vidya
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沙发

发表于 2009-3-11 21:29:59 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 vidya 于 2009-3-11 21:31 编辑

估计我的习作让别人看得无语，实在不知道该如何修改！还是我自己先做一番自我批斗吧！

In this argument, the author suggested that other college and university should adopt the honor codes similar to Groven's to reduce the amount of cheating matters in examination. Yet the author attempted to explain the benefit of honor code, I hardly seem the logical between the illustration and the conclusion.

Firstly, the date in the argument couldn't argue the cheating amounts cutting down. For the author only shows the cheating amounts after the measure is carried into execution. It is possible that the average amount of cheating is justly twenty-five before the measure, so that the honor code can't be proven far more successful. （这句话是硬伤，先前检查时竟然没有看出来，作者已经很明显说明了采取honor code以前作弊数量是30，我还在这傻乎乎的批判，汗！）Moreover the author didn't indict the amounts of cheating in five years; the number of cheating possibly was great in five years and justly dropped at the fifth year.

Even if the number of cheating was really descended in the past, it can't prove the decrease of cheating was leaded by the honor code.（这里的让步也有点问题，这句话可以删除，直接说明cheating数量下降是由其他原因造成的） The author is failing to consider other possible alternatives to the reducing cheating after adopt honor code. Such alternatives may include the fact that the difficulty of examination was reduced, which students didn't need cheating for high mark; or the quality of the teaching is developed, the students could absorb the knowledge comprehensive, they could easily confront the examination; or the faculty member weaken the extent of monitor, so that the possibility of cheating detected was reduced.

Further more, there are few disfigurements in the survey, the sample of survey could be only the student who’s good at study or the student of character, the sample didn't choose randomly. And the survey was accomplished by the Groveton honor council; there maybe had disposition in the survey.（这段应该和第二段合并起来，单独放在这感觉太突兀了，当初写这段也不过是为了凑字数。）

Even through the decrease of cheating amounts is related with the honor code, it couldn't affirm the conduct that other colleges and universities adopt the honor codes is apposite. The phenomenon of cheating in examination is related to many factors, for instance, the aptitude of pedagogue, the ambience of study, the morality of students, etc.

To sum up, the author failed to discuss the fact that the honor code could reduce the number of cheating. To reduce the number of cheating in examination, the college could innovate in other aspect.（这个结尾真是惨不忍睹，我自己都看不下去了！！！）

还是要对比才能看得出差距啊！先前自己检查时自己觉得改不出什么，不过看了别人的习作，再看看自己真是觉得有天壤之别啊，而且文章找不出一个亮点，由于本人水平的问题，语法和短语上的错误实在找不出，只能在结构上作一些改动。我觉得自己最大的问题还是语言的问题，词汇苍白，说来说去都是那几个词，语言肤浅，用来用去都是那几句，自己的AW之路看来注定要走的非常艰辛啊！

投票：25Fall荷兰大败读书orGAP

米饭袜子
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板凳

发表于 2009-3-11 23:16:06 |只看该作者

In this argument, the author suggested that other college（colleges）
and university(universities) should adopt the honor codes similar to Groven's to reduce the amount of cheating matters in examination. Yet the author attempted to explain the benefit of honor code, I(can,这个不是错，是我觉着加上读着顺) hardly seem（额。。。这个seem MS 不能这么用，可别扭，find
）the logical（logical 是a.的说,改为logical connection/logic）
between the illustration and the conclusion.

Firstly, the date(data吧？) in the argument couldn't argue the cheating amounts cutting down. For the author only shows the cheating amounts after the measure is carried into execution(carry into execution,用的好~) . It is possible that the average amount of cheating is justly（just,justly意为公正地，正当地，应得地，adv.） twenty-five before the measure, so that the honor code can't be proven far more successful. Moreover the author didn't indict the amounts of cheating in five years; the number of cheating possibly was great in five years and justly dropped at the fifth year.

Even if the number of cheating was really descended(这个词是a.意思是从一个祖先传下来的高度的，改为declined)in the past, it
can't prove the decrease of cheating was leaded(led) by the honor code. The author is failing to consider other possible alternatives to the reducing cheating after adopt(adopting) (the)honor code. Such alternatives may include the fact that the difficulty of examination(-s) was reduced, which(because of which/thus,) students didn't need (to)cheating(cheat) for high mark(-s); or the quality of the
（我觉着不用加the）teaching is(was你前面都用的过去时) developed, the students could absorb the knowledge comprehensive（-ly）, they could easily confront the examination; or the faculty member weaken（-ed） the extent of monitor, so that the possibility of cheating detected(别扭~能理解你意思，要我写的话： being caught cheating )was reduced.

Further more, there are few disfigurements in the survey, the sample of (the)survey could be only the student(-s额。。我觉得用PL.比较好) who’s(re) good at study or the student（s） of character, the sample didn't choose(wasn’t chosen) randomly. And the survey was accomplished by the Groveton honor council; there maybe had(X掉) disposition in the survey.

Even through（though） the decrease of cheating amounts
is related with the honor code, it couldn't affirm the conduct(?,concclusion) that other colleges and universities adopt the honor codes is apposite. The phenomenon of cheating in examination(-s) is related to many factors, for instance, the aptitude of pedagogue(-s), the ambience of study, the morality of students, etc.

To sum up, the author failed to discuss the fact that the honor code(-s) could reduce the number of cheating. To reduce the number of cheating in examination, the college(-s) could innovate in other aspect(-s).

Summary:有改的不对的地方多多包涵哈~
整篇文章思路还是很清晰的，data有问题——》即使data没问题，也不一定是honor codes的功劳——》survey 有问题——》即使survey没问题，也还有其他因素导致survey的结果。——》总结。做到了攻击逻辑而非data，survey本身，这点我觉着比我做的好。
意见&建议：
1、注意细节，尤其是冠词和单复数。
2、有些地方太chinglish。（e.g. or the faculty member weaken（-ed） the extent of monitor, so that the possibility of cheating detected(别扭~能理解你意思，要我写的话： being caught cheating )was reduced.& there maybe had(X掉) disposition in the survey.
3、注意词法，比如justly,descended…的问题。

与我们同行的人，比我们要到达的地方更重要

yuyu7yaya
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地板

发表于 2009-3-11 23:29:05 |只看该作者

In this argument, the author suggested that other college and university should adopt the honor codes similar to Groven's to reduce the amount of cheating matters in examination. Yet the author attempted to explain the benefit of honor code, I hardly seem（难道是see？）
the logical（这个不是个形容词吗？能做名词用吗？）between the illustration and the conclusion.

Firstly, the date in the argument couldn't argue the cheating amounts cutting down.
For the author only shows the cheating amounts after the measure is carried into execution(这不是一句完整的话吧). It is possible that the average amount of cheating is justly（justly的意思是公正的，正当的，估计你是想说just吧） twenty-five before the measure, so that the honor code can't be proven far more successful. Moreover the author didn't indict the amounts of cheating in five years; the number of cheating possibly was great in five years and justly（同前）dropped at the fifth year.
我觉得这一段的批判不是很有力。前面的你自己已经看出来了，我就说说最后一句。你说有可能前面四年其实没什么变化，只是最后一年降低了。但是，你还需要提供一下数据波动的具体原因来配合一下你的猜测，比如，第五年的生源不同。

Even if the number of cheating was really descended in the past, it can't prove the decrease of cheating was leaded by the honor code. The author is failing to consider other possible alternatives to the reducing cheating after adopt honor code. Such alternatives may include the fact that the difficulty of examination was reduced, which（为什么用which？应是and therefore吧） students didn't need cheating for high mark; or the quality of the teaching is developed, the students could absorb the knowledge comprehensive（这里应该用副词形式吧）, and（加个and，没有连词不是很舒服呢）
they could easily（是不是把easily放到后面会好一些？） confront the examination; or the faculty members weaken the extent of monitor, so that the possibility of cheating detected（是不是名词detection？） was reduced.
我觉得这段论述的很好哇。理由很充分！

Further more, there are few （是 a few 吧）disfigurements in the survey. the sample of survey could be only the students who are good at study or the student of character没看懂), the sample didn't choose randomly（其实随即的抽取也不能保证样本的典型性的。）. And the survey was accomplished by the Groveton honor council（在开头加个since如何？since the survey was accomplished by the Groveton honor council）; there maybe（是may be） had （在there be 结构中不能用have，在may 后不能用had这种过去时态）disposition in the survey.(嗯，后半句没看懂，是说既然是这个组织进行的调查，就不能排除他们自己作弊的可能行吗？)

Even through the decrease of cheating amounts is related with the honor code, it couldn't affirm the conduct that other colleges and universities adopt the honor codes is apposite. The phenomenon of cheating in examination is related to many factors, for instance, the aptitude of pedagogue, the ambience of study, the morality of students, etc.
我觉得这段展开的不够充分。在说了作弊的之风其实跟很多因素有关之后，后面还可以详细的举几个例子来证明适合G的honor codes不一定适合别的学校。
To sum up, the author failed to discuss the fact that the honor code could reduce the number of cheating. To reduce the number of cheating in examination, the college could innovate in other aspects.
嗯……最后一句感觉像是引出下文的过渡句。

那个黄色的是我觉得写的很好的，想学习一下，做了个标记。贴到回复框里的时候不知道怎么才能去掉，所以就这样给发上来了。你别介意！

yuyu7yaya
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5楼

发表于 2009-3-11 23:37:00 |只看该作者

好吧，黄色的都自动消失了。

总体来讲，段落之间逻辑很清晰，从质疑调查的客观性到质疑honorcode的有效性再到质疑这个措施的普遍性，线索清楚，条分缕析。
但是提出驳论点之后的论证有时不够有力。把你的观点摆出来还不够哇，你还要用你的观点去说服别人。把论证展开会让你的观点更加充实。
但是有些低级错误还是要避免的，比如there maybe had这个。

艾尘草
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6楼

发表于 2009-3-12 14:23:06 |只看该作者

本帖最后由艾尘草于 2009-3-12 14:27 编辑

In this argument, the author suggested that other college and university(复数) should adopt the honor codes similar to Groven's to reduce the amount of cheating matters in examination. Yet the author attempted to explain the benefit of honor code(s), I （can）hardly seem(这个地方是see还是什么?) the logical(?这个是形容词~) between the illustration and the conclusion.

Firstly, the date(data?) in the argument couldn't argue(我觉得argue可不可以换成是suppose) the cheating amounts cutting down. For the author only shows the cheating amounts after the measure is carried into execution(缺少主句). It is possible that(这个表达可以更换一下，觉得有点中文的感觉) the average amount of cheating is justly twenty-five before the measure, so that the honor code can't be proven far more successful. Moreover the author didn't indict（indict是起诉的意思，这里是不是想说 indicate) the amounts of cheating in five years; the number of cheating possibly was great in five years and justly(just) dropped at the fifth year.

Even if the number of cheating was really descended（被动语态？此处用have descended是不是更好呢？） in the past, it can't prove the decrease of cheating was leaded by(希望能更换下表达) the honor code(s). The author is failing to(这个表达) consider other possible alternatives to the reducing cheating after adopt honor code. Such alternatives may include the fact that the difficulty of examination was reduced, which students didn't need cheating for high mark（s）; （这个地方的标点应该是逗号吧~）or the quality of the teaching is（时态） developed, the students could absorb the knowledge comprehensive（comprehension）, they could easily confront the examination; or the faculty member weaken the extent of monitor, so that the possibility of cheating detected was reduced.

Further more, there are few disfigurements in the survey, the sample of survey could be only the student who’s good at study or the student of character, the sample didn't choose randomly（这个词汇赞一个~）. And the survey was accomplished by the Groveton honor council; there maybe had （句式）disposition in the survey.

Even through the decrease of cheating amounts is related with the honor code, it couldn't affirm the conduct that other colleges and universities adopt the honor codes is apposite. The phenomenon of cheating in examination is related to many factors, for instance, the aptitude of pedagogue, the ambience of study, the morality of students（这几个并列好有气势啊~）, etc.

To sum up, the author failed to discuss the fact that the honor code could reduce the number of cheating. To reduce the number of cheating in examination, the college could innovate in other aspect.

呵呵我的拙见：

优点：这个文章思路很清晰（看起来很舒服）攻击点也很充分（好佩服~忽忽~~）不过鉴于大家要共同进步，我觉得有些问题的地方我就直言不讳了~0~

作者是通过几点论述的

1.这五年的数据不具有代表意义（但是希望可以增加一些理由来说明二段最后一句话，比如举出其他原因的例子说明作弊人数的骤然变化这样可以使文章更具有说服力）
2五年的调查可能又其他的因素干扰（这段的文字举了好多例子，感觉很充实~很喜欢，呵呵~但是希望能够注意一下单复数喝句型结构，以及英语里的标点符号，注意；和，的使用~）

3.选出来的个体不具有代表型（我个人认为这段可以并在前面，因为这个段落看起来很单薄）

4其他影响作弊上升的因素(这个放在第一段就好了~因为这个好象是最大的应该论证的地方把~~呵呵)