0910AW 同主题写作第2期 Argument242 by ROW04 蘅芜雪 [复制链接]

蘅芜雪
UID: 2646650

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 0
寄托币: 340
注册时间: 2009-5-30
精华: 0
帖子: 0

电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2009-6-9 16:53:46 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

242.The following appeared as an editorial in the student newspaper of Groveton College.

"To combat the recently reported dramatic rise in cheating among college and university students, these institutions should adopt honor codes similar to Groveton's, which calls for students to agree not to cheat in their academic endeavors and to notify a faculty member if they suspect that others have cheated. Groveton's honor code replaced an old-fashioned system in which students were closely monitored by teachers and an average of thirty cases of cheating per year were reported. The honor code has proven far more successful: in the first year it was in place, students reported twenty-one cases of cheating; five years later, this figure had dropped to fourteen. Moreover, in a recent survey conducted by the Groveton honor council, a majority of students said that they would be less likely to cheat with an honor code in place than without."

With the mechanism to agree not to cheat and monitor each other, the speaker offers the fact that the cases of cheating decrease a lot in 5 years. What’s more, the survey has showed that a majority of students said that they would be less likely to cheat with the honor code. As a result, the speaker suggests adopting honor codes similar to Groveton’s to combat the dramatic rise in cheating among college students. The preference seems quite reasonable; however, the speaker overlooks several elements that would affect the result and thus come up with a hasty suggestion.

First, the rationality of the mechanism of honor code, which calls for students to agree not to cheat in their academic endeavors and to notify a faculty member if they suspect that others have cheated, is questionable. Whether the students should shoulder the responsibility to monitor each other need to be considered since the premise of notification is ill based on suspicion. Cheating includes copy, peep at others or even using electronic implement to transferring answers. With such diversity, it may be too hard and unfair for students to judge whether their classmates want to cheat. Such measurement, if not controlled well, would harm the relationship between the students or spur them to organize together to cheat. If so, such honor code would not effect to prevent cheating, but to deteriorate the situation and impede the relationship inner the campus. Without completing the honor code mechanism, the preference should be carefully considered before taking it.

Second, the speaker fails to offer a more complete evaluation of the situation of college and makes a hasty comparison with the data offered. There are many reasons why students cheat and hard test would lead to more cheating because students want to pass. It’s quite possible that the test five years ago was much harder than the recent one, which results in the façade that the amount of cheating decreased. Such neglect of elements that may affect the results leads to ill-foundation of the evidence. The speaker cannot convince me with the comparison because of such potential flaws.

What’s more, the survey conducted by the Groveton honor council cannot present the whole students because the speaker fails to offer the amount of the respondents. Since the respondents may cover only small percentage of whole students, it isn’t able to reflect the common ideas though the majority of it claims so. The survey is convincing only when it draw enough attention from the students to express their ideas. Without offering more information about the survey, the evidence is questionable.

To sum up, the speaker offers a hasty preference without making a more complete research on the actual situation of the campus and the reasons why students cheat. What’s more, the survey the speaker provided is ill based and s/he fails to consider the possible result if honor code is taken. All in all, since such measurement would affect the school spirit, the preference should be considered carefully with a full-scale study.

回应
0

使用道具举报

皓迷88
UID: 2650717

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 0
寄托币: 119
注册时间: 2009-6-9
精华: 0
帖子: 1

沙发

发表于 2009-6-9 18:06:00 |只看该作者

第2期 Argument242 by ROW04

www.gupn.com.cn
www.af361.com

使用道具举报

.C.C.
UID: 2645494

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 29
寄托币: 404
注册时间: 2009-5-27
精华: 0
帖子: 0

板凳

发表于 2009-6-14 01:28:16 |只看该作者

■语法
■逻辑

With the mechanism（长见识了~） to agree not to cheat and monitor each other（弱弱的说一句，这个有点歧义，如果不知道整篇a的话不知道你这边and 和not to cheat还是agree并列）, the speaker offers the fact that the cases of cheating decrease a lot in 5 years. (我觉得这样说不好，因为事实就是其实那个五年是个攻击点，speaker只说了两年的具体情况……) What’s more, the survey has showed(貌似用一般时就可以) that a majority of students said that they would be less likely to cheat with the honor code. As a result, the speaker suggests adopting honor codes similar to Groveton’s to combat the dramatic rise in cheating among college students. The preference seems quite reasonable; however, the speaker overlooks several elements that would affect the result and thus come up with a hasty suggestion. （我喜欢这句，虽然有点模版的感觉……）

First, the rationality of the mechanism of honor code, which calls for students to agree not to cheat in their academic endeavors and to notify a faculty member if they suspect that others have cheated, is questionable. （我弱弱的建议下，which那个挪后面来吧，一般主语太长的话要努力让它到后面去的说~）（我总觉得这句话有点带不起来后面这段，这句写的是honor code questionable但是我觉得其实整篇的调调都在question这个honor code……我觉得开头可以写的更明确些） Whether the students should shoulder（形象） the responsibility to monitor each other need to be considered since the premise of notification is ill based on suspicion. Cheating includes copy, peep at others or even using electronic implement to transferring answers. With such diversity, it may be too hard and unfair for students to judge whether their classmates want to cheat. Such measurement, if not controlled well, would harm the relationship between the students or spur them to organize together to cheat. If so, such honor code would not effect to prevent cheating, but to deteriorate the situation and impede the relationship inner the campus. （我觉得harm the relationship和spur them to organize together 要分成两点写。因为你后面写了if so,这样的话造成的结果一个就是使他们不团结，另外一个就是使他们团结，感觉好怪……）Without completing the honor code mechanism, the preference should be carefully considered before taking it.

Second, the speaker fails to offer a more complete evaluation of the situation of college and makes a hasty comparison with the data offered. （还是和上面一样，我觉得你ts可以写详细点，不要模版这么明显，不然看你ts不知道你下文要写什么……）There are many reasons why students cheat and hard test would lead to more cheating because students want to pass. It’s quite possible that the test five years ago was much harder than the recent one, which results in the façade that the amount of cheating decreased. Such neglect of elements that may affect the results leads to ill-foundation of the evidence. The speaker cannot convince me with the comparison because of such potential flaws.

What’s more, the survey conducted by the Groveton honor council cannot present the whole students because the speaker fails to offer the amount of the respondents. Since the respondents may cover only small percentage of whole students, it isn’t able to reflect the common ideas though the majority of it claims so. The survey is convincing only when it draws enough attention from the students to express their ideas. Without offering more information about the survey, the evidence is questionable.

To sum up, the speaker offers a hasty（第三次用了~） preference without making a more complete research on the actual situation of the campus and the reasons why students cheat（我看第二段的时候就觉得你着重在写why students cheat，但我觉得其实那段应该写的是为什么他们作弊会增加。）. What’s more, the survey the speaker provided is ill based and s/he fails to consider the possible result if honor code is taken. All in all, since such measurement would affect the school spirit, the preference should be considered carefully with a full-scale study.

1.模版痕迹有点明显啊……
2.有的词稍微有点怪怪的，鉴于我今天个人原因，不想查用法了，雪你确定是对的就好……
3.我觉得论证都很好，赞一个，不像我，完全是Argument的题目那样，漏洞百出……

使用道具举报

傻的来
UID: 2649253

中级会员

Rank: 4

声望: 5
寄托币: 558
注册时间: 2009-6-5
精华: 0
帖子: 14

地板

发表于 2009-6-14 21:24:36 |只看该作者

本帖最后由傻的来于 2009-6-14 21:30 编辑

With the mechanism to agree not to cheat and monitor each other（这里有点问题吧，我也不敢肯定，觉得agree not to cheat 和monitor 的主语应该不一样~所以放一个从句里好像有点问题）, the speaker offersthe fact that the cases of cheating decrease a lot in 5 years. What’s more, thesurvey has showed that a majority of students said that they would be lesslikely to cheat with the honor code. As a result, the speaker suggests adoptinghonor codes similar to Groveton’s to combat the dramatic rise in cheating amongcollege students. The preference seems quite reasonable; however, the speakeroverlooks several elements that would affect the result and thus come（comes） up with a hasty suggestion.

First,the rationality of the mechanism of honor code, which calls for students toagree not to cheat in their academic endeavors and to notify a faculty memberif they suspect that others have cheated, is questionable. Whether the studentsshould shoulder the responsibility to monitor each other need to be consideredsince the premise of notification is ill based on suspicion. Cheating includescopy, peep at others or even using electronic implement to transferringanswers. With such diversity, it may be too hard and unfair for students tojudge whether their classmates want to cheat. Such measurement, if notcontrolled well, would harm the relationship between the students or spur themto organize together to cheat. If so, such honor code would not effect toprevent cheating, but to deteriorate the situation and impede the relationshipinner the campus. Without completing thehonor code mechanism, the preference should be carefully considered beforetaking it.(这段很完美的逻辑攻击+表述，自叹不如)
Second,the speaker fails to offer a more complete evaluation of the situation ofcollege and makes a hasty comparison（文中的可以称为comparison么，小质疑下） with the data offered. There aremany reasons why students cheat and（这里改成for example吧，and感觉前后应该是并列的关系，这里应该是前者包括后者~） hard test would lead to morecheating because students want to pass. It’s quite possible that the test fiveyears ago was much harder than the recent one, which results in thefaçade that the amount of cheating decreased. Such neglect ofelements that may affect the results leads to ill-foundation of the evidence.The speaker cannot convince me with the comparison because of such potentialflaws(potential flaws? “potential”去了吧).
What’smore, the survey conducted by the Groveton honor council cannot present thewhole students because the speaker fails to offer the amount of therespondents. (个人感觉这个攻击点不是最佳，应该更多地选择逻辑点攻击，survey是属于“砖头”级别的吧，我们应该更多攻击“砖缝”)Since the respondentsmay cover only small percentage of whole students, it isn’t able to reflect thecommon ideas though the majority of it claims so. The survey is convincing onlywhen it draw enough attention from the students to express their ideas. （此句与下面一句感觉论述上有点重复~，可以删了吧？）Without offering moreinformation about the survey, the evidence is questionable.
Tosum up, the speaker offers a hasty preference without making a more completeresearch on the actual situation of the campus and the reasons why studentscheat. What’s more, the survey the speaker provided is ill based（ill based？感觉有点怪~） and s/he fails to consider the （other）possible result if honor code istaken. All in all, since such measurement would affect the school spirit, thepreference should be considered carefully with a full-scale study.

1.
论证很强大，逻辑性很好，就是在我看了草木的指导后觉得第三个攻击点有点牵强，应该找更好的
2.
语言还是没得说，不过确实有些词我觉得值得推敲~我在这块不敢乱说，有的地方写上了~。
3.
楼上说的模版化我感觉不太深，大概我平日模版看的太少了，觉得不是太明显。

使用道具举报