[i习作temp] 0910G[North America Flying] Issue2（首篇ISSUE，请大家多多指教，有拍必会） [复制链接]

happy牧羊
UID: 2662770

初级会员

Rank: 3 Rank: 3

声望: 58
寄托币: 533
注册时间: 2009-7-10
精华: 0
帖子: 8

电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2009-7-29 10:12:01 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

What does competition mean to the social fabric of our times? Honestly, I have to commit that without competition, our society won’t get such great improvement. Just as Andrew Carnegie said (I paraphrase), “And while the law of competition may be sometimes hard for the individual, it is the best for the race, because it ensure the survival of the fittest in every department”. In fact, both the individual and society are forced to gain more and more achievement for competition. However, in some case, we can attention that competition is more detrimental than beneficial to society. The declaration of the author is so one-sided that it can’t reveal the real influence brought by competition.

First and foremost, I would like to illustrate why competition exists? In an environment abundant with resources, where supply outstrips demand, there is very little need for the inhabitants to fight with each other over them. This case might exist in Utopia, not the real world which resources are limited. Because of the limited resources, people are constantly struggling for them. For example, thousands of student apply to gain entrance of top universities around the world. Thus, there is competition to get into these hallowed institutions of higher education.

From the pragmatic perspective, competition indeed brings beneficial influence to individual and society. Darwin suggests that the deadly competition weeds out the weak and only the fittest of the species can survive and thrive in the nature. Some Social Darwinists indicate that the survival of the fittest also exists in society, so there are many elite in different realm to push our society ahead. Obviously, our society with these superb individuals also benefits from such competition. During the Industrial Revolution, many investors develop a myriad of machines to enhance the efficiency in different fields, such as Spinning Jenny, propelling textiles. It is clearly that society with competition is becoming more and more efficient.

For a comprehensive analyzing, we can’t ignore that competition is more detrimental than beneficial in some case. For example, in order to gain the admission of top universities, students have to get a high grade in a standardized exam, which can’t evaluate a student comprehensively. As a result, the chance for entering top schools often gained by the most competitive students, not the most intelligent one. Such competition damages the equal rights of individuals. Furthermore, in our time, the stiff competition has aroused troubles in every sphere. In business, many corporations sell cheap products of poor quality to assess interests. In politics, politicians often promise an unpractical but popular policy to gain votes. In academia, in recent years, some professors in top universities fake up their research data to extend their academic career. Such phenomenon reveals that the fabric of our society is suffering from competition in our day.

On the whole, for the limited sources, competition is unavoidable in contemporary society. In order to make full use of these resources, humanity always cooperates with others. There are more and more international cooperation project to solve environmental pollution, the famine in African—and so on. We should call for a balance between competition and cooperation to ensure that our society develop in a healthy way.

回应
0

使用道具举报

WindyHuang
UID: 2670177

新手上路

Rank: 1

声望: 0
寄托币: 24
注册时间: 2009-7-23
精华: 0
帖子: 0

沙发

发表于 2009-8-12 21:04:55 |只看该作者

What does competition mean to the social fabric of our times? Honestly, I have to commit （这个词有这个用法吗？）that without competition, our society won’t get such great improvement. Just as Andrew Carnegie said (I paraphrase), “And（可以删掉） while the law of competition may be sometimes hard for the individual, it is the best for the race, because it ensure the survival of the fittest in every department”. In fact, both the individual and society are forced to gain more and more achievement（貌似是可数名词） for competition. However, in some case（可数名词用复数）, we can attention（这是名词，不能这样用吧） that competition is more detrimental than beneficial to society. The declaration of the author is so one-sided that it can’t reveal the real influence brought by competition. （不错的句子）

First and foremost, I would like to illustrate why competition exists? （该用句号）In an environment abundant with resources, where supply outstrips demand, there is very little need for the inhabitants to fight with each other over them. (个人认为这里上下意思并非承接，所以加上一个表转折的词会更通畅一些)However, this case might only(强调一下) exist in Utopia, not the real world which（where） resources are limited. Because of the limited resources, people are（have been 语气更强一点） constantly struggling for them. For example, thousands of student（复数） apply to gain entrance of top universities around the world. Thus, there is competition to get into these hallowed institutions of higher education.

From the pragmatic perspective, competition indeed brings beneficial influence to（没有看到过这种用法，通常不是have/exert influence on吗？） individual and society. Darwin suggests（是不是该用过去时态？） that the deadly competition weeds out the weak and only the fittest of the species can survive and thrive in the nature. Some Social Darwinists indicate that the survival of the fittest also exists in society, so there are many elite in different realm（这是可数名词应用复数） to push our society ahead. Obviously, our society with these superb individuals also benefits from such competition. During the Industrial Revolution, many investors develop（过去时） a myriad of machines to enhance the efficiency in different fields, such as Spinning Jenny, propelling textiles. It is clearly（clear） that society with competition is becoming more and more efficient.

For a comprehensive analyzing, we can’t ignore that competition is more detrimental than beneficial in some case. For example, in order to gain the admission of top universities, students have to get a high grade in a standardized exam, which can’t evaluate a student comprehensively. As a result, the chance for entering top schools often gained by the most competitive students, not the most intelligent one. Such competition damages the equal rights of individuals. （作者在这里想用高考只看分数不看能力的例子来说明竞争损害了个人的公平权利，个人认为没有说服力，如果没有依靠不正当的竞争手段，单靠个人的竞争能力，在同一的竞争规则下，最有竞争力的学生被录取是天经地义的事情，因为具有竞争力包括了不仅仅intelligence的因素；而以此来说most intelligent students没有被好大学录取也是不合理的，聪明不代表学习好，也不代表其他方面的能力强，只凭intelligence来说明问题反而与前文说考高不能comprehensively地衡量学生相矛盾）Furthermore, in our time, the stiff competition has aroused troubles in every sphere. In business, many corporations sell cheap products of poor quality to assess（这个词的意思不对，楼主是不是想用access？） interests. In politics, politicians often promise an unpractical but popular policy to gain votes. In academia, in recent years, some professors in top universities fake up their research data to extend their academic career. Such phenomenon reveals that the fabric of our society is suffering from competition in our day. （furthermore后面这一段写得不错！）

On the whole, for the limited sources, competition is unavoidable in contemporary society. In order to make full use of these resources, humanity always cooperates（humanity用指人类的话，这里应用动词的复数形式） with others. There are more and more international cooperation project（复数） to solve environmental pollution, the famine in African—and so on. We should call for a balance between competition and cooperation to ensure that our society develop in a healthy way.（个人觉得结尾不太好，很仓促。没有很好地总结上文，却很突兀地引出coorperation的话题，而且没有对合作进行很好地论述就直接说要在竞争和合作之间寻找平衡，如果觉得篇幅不够，或者再详细论述合作的问题太累赘的话，作者可以考虑最后以建议的形式顺带提到以作为结尾的延伸即可，反而我认为结尾最重要的是对全篇文章做个精练的总结，前后呼应，这样文章才显得完整。）

改得不太好，还请楼主见谅，我也是那这道题做的第一篇练习，希望可以相互讨论学习一下！谢谢~
这是我自己写的issue2^_^
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=995300&extra=

对自己的愿望不要迷茫，想将其实现便去选择

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

使用道具举报