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wunonomei
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2010-1-25 13:00:50 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

该说什么好呢，我想起了川藏的318，路上有风景，也有坎坷。如果我向往着远方，那么总躲不过风雨兼程。

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沙发

发表于 2010-1-26 06:01:30 |只看该作者

awintro范文分析：
结构、论证、逻辑

Issue
"In our time, specialists of all kinds are highly over-rated. We need more generalists — people who can provide broad perspectives."

Benchmark 6
In this era of rapid social and technological change(具体，点明背景) leading to increasing life complexity and psychological displacement, both positive and negative effects among persons(提示了行文思路从生活的复杂度和心理易位的角度来思考) in Western society call for a balance in which there are both specialists and generalists (主题明确：两者都需要). (第一段就一句，但已经满足了优秀主题句的3要点：1.观点明确2.具体3.提示行文思路)

Specialists are necessary in order to allow society as a whole to properly and usefully assimilate the masses of new information and knowledge that have come out of research and have been widely disseminated through mass global media.TS清楚表达作者观点，specialists是必要的。并且程度副词如as a whole, properly, usefully, 具体描述如come out of research…增加了观点的明确性和可信度。 As the head of Pharmacology at my university once said (and I paraphrase): "I can only research what I do because there are so many who have come before me to whom I can turn for basic knowledge. It is only because of each of the narrowly focussed individuals at each step that a full and true understanding of the complexities of life can be had. Each person can only hold enough knowledge to add one small rung to the ladder, but together we can climb to the moon." This illustrates前面举例，现在分析
the point that our societies level of knowledge and technology is at a stage in which there simply must be specialists in order for our society to take advantage of the information available to us. 结论句总结论证。

Simply put逻辑顺序标志词，表明这一段是上一段的简短解释, without specialists, our society would find itself bogged down in the Sargasso sea of information overload形象的比喻. While it was fine for early physicists to learn and understand the few laws and ideas that existed during their times, now, no one individual can possibly digest and assimilate all of the knowledge in any given area. 提出别人可能有的疑问：过去的科学家都很通才的。展示了全面的思维，增加了文章的深度。

On the other hand连接词，表明分论点的转变, over specialization means narrow focii in which people can lose the larger picture.TS明确表达作者观点，over specialization会让人们失去全面的眼光-就是讲specialization的缺点，而前一个分论点讲的是specialization的优点，有正有反，考虑全面。 No one can hope to understand the human body by only inspecting one's own toe-nails. 举例，一句短句，简单有效。What we learn from a narrow focus may be internally logically coherent but may be irrelevant or fallacious within the framework of a broader perspective.继续说理。 Further, if we inspect only our toe-nails, we may conclude that the whole body is hard and white.进一步分析前面的事例支持说理。 Useful conclusions and thus perhaps useful inventions must come by sharing among specialists.深入说明专才的局限性
Simply throwing out various discoveries means we have a pile of useless discoveries, it is only when one can make with them a mosaic that we can see that they may form a picture.

Not only may over-specialization be dangerous in terms of the truth, purity and cohesion of knowledge, but it can also serve to drown moral or universal issues. Not only…but also的结构承上启下，表明这里的分论点的转变为进一步阐述-over specialization除了对生活复杂度的影响，对人们的心理有什么样的影响-呼应了主题中的分析范畴，提升了深度；其中moral or universal表明了这段的论证角度是从道德和全球问题等大角度来思考的。Generalists and only generalists can see a broad enough picture to realize and introduce to the world the problems of the environment环境问题属于常识，没有详述，下面就开始了对事例的分析. With specialization, each person focusses on their research and their goals. Thus, industrialization, expansion, and new technologies are driven ahead. Meanwhile no individual can see the wholisitc view of our global existence in which true advancement may mean stifling individual specialists for the greater good of all. 虽然例子举得是很老套的工业和环境对立的事例，但是表达很简洁，也很贴合TS。

Finally逻辑顺序标志词，很好的表明了这是最后一个分论点, over-specialization in a people's daily lives and jobs具体化 has meant personal and psychological compartmentalization呼应首段，daily lives and jobs表明这段的论证角度是从人们的生活细节角度来思考的.明确表明分论点 People are forced into pigeon holes early in life (at least by university) and must consciously attempt to consume external forms of stimuli and information in order not to be lost in their small and isolated universe. 以上举例，以下分析。Not only does this make for narrowly focussed and generally poorly-educated individuals, but it guarantees a sense of loss of community, often followed by a feeling of psychological displacement and personal dissatisfaction.

Without generalists, society becomes inward-looking and eventually inefficient. Without a society that recognizes the importance of broad-mindedness and fora for sharing generalities, individuals become isolated. Thus, 和without联系，前面是原因，现在是结果while our form of society necessitates specialists, generalists are equally important. Specialists drive us forward in a series of thrusts while generalists make sure we are still on the jousting field and know what the stakes are. 形象的比喻进一步总结，升华作者观点。

整篇文章的结构是
平衡观点
专才很重要
简单重复解释专才很重要
过专业化会让人们失去全面的眼光，影响真实的理解
过专业化会造成道德和社会的问题
过专业化会影响人们生活细节问题
总结平衡观点
逻辑顺序是：总（平衡观点）分（好+不好），分再分（事例到概念+大范围到小范围）。这样的逻辑缜密，全面且细节化。
这篇文章里段落内部连接，利用重复进行连接很少，基本每一句就提到了一个更新、更深层次的说理或论据。
每一个分论点都深入的进行了挖掘，体现这篇文章的特点：分析再分析。对事例的描述很少，重在分析。

Benchmark 5
Specialists are not overrated today. More generalists may be needed, but not to overshadow the specialists.总论点 Generalists can provide a great deal of information on many topics of interest with a broad range of ideas. People who look at the overall view of things can help with some of the large problems our society faces today. But specialists are necessary to gain a better understanding of more in depth methods to solve problems or fixing things. 以上相当于给generalist和specialist定义，仅仅是将总论点重述一遍、没有深入，且该定义也属于对大家的常识的多余解释，可以省去。

One good example of why specialists are not overrated is in the medical field. 分论点1，按领域划分。Doctors are necessary for people to live healthy lives. When a person is sick, he may go to a general practitioner to find out the cause of his problems. Usually, this kind of "generalized" doctor和上一句紧密联系，为进一步解释-举例之后有论证，让事例发挥作用。
can help most ailments with simple and effective treatments. Sometimes, though, 转折观点，引出specialist。a sickness may go beyond a family doctor's knowledge or the prescribed treatments don't work the way they should. When a sickness progresses or becomes diagnosed as a disease that requires more care than a family doctor can provide, he may be referred to a specialist. 以上为说理，以下举例支持观点-说理后举例，让说理有据可依，不空洞。For instance, a person with constant breathing problems that require hospitalization may be suggested to visit an asthma specialist. Since a family doctor has a great deal of knowledge of medicine, he can decide when his methods are not effective and the patient needs to see someone who knows more about the specific problem; someone who knows how it begins, progresses, and specified treatments.对事例中的逻辑进行进一步说明-为什么通才看不了的病可以找专才。 This is an excellent example of how a generalized person may not be equipped enough to handle something as well as a specialized one can. 最后总结，进一步指出通才不能取代专才因为通才在某些事实上不如专才。

Another example of a specialist who is needed instead of a generalist involves teaching. 分论点2，按领域划分，表明为并列结构。In grammar school, children learn all the basic principles of reading, writing, and arithematic. But as children get older and progress in school, they gain a better understanding of the language and mathematical processes. As the years in school increase,按时间顺序发展。 they need to learn more and more specifics and details about various subjects. They start out by learning basic math concepts such as addition, subtraction, division, and multiplication. 将举例，说理具体化，即举例，以下也如此。A few years later, they are ready to begin algebraic concepts, geometry, and calculus对于上文中的specifics. They are also ready to learn more advanced vocabulary, the principles of how all life is composed and how it functions对应上文中的various subjects,举例很全面，前后呼应很好. One teacher or professor下面的分析改从作用角度 cannot provide as much in depth discussion on all of these topics as well as one who has learned the specifics and studied mainly to know everything that is currently known about one of these subjects. Generalized teachers are required to begin molding students at a very early age so they can get ready for the future ahead of them in gaining more facts about the basic subjects and finding out new facts on the old ones. 继续回到进一步说理上。

文章观点明确，论证深入。说理和事例结合的很好，每一句说理都有事例支持，每一个事例都进行了分析。没有独立说理和举例，论证过程两者穿插使用，使得论证一步步深入，显得很流畅。

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板凳

发表于 2010-1-26 06:02:28 |只看该作者

接上贴

Argument:

Hospital statistics regarding people who go to the emergency room after roller skating accidents indicate the need for more protective equipment.
Within this group of people, 75 percent of those who had accidents in streets or parking lots were not wearing any protective clothing (helmets, knee pads, etc.) or any light-reflecting material (clip-on lights, glow-in-the-dark wrist pads, etc.).
Clearly, these statistics
indicate that by investing in high-quality protective gear and reflective equipment, roller skaters will greatly reduce their risk of being severely injured in an accident.

Essay Response * – Score 6

The notion that protective gear reduces the injuries suffered in accidents seems at first glance to be an obvious conclusion. After all, it is the intent of these products to either provent accidents from occuring in the first place or to reduce the injuries suffered by the wearer should an accident occur.
However, the conclusion that investing in high quality protective gear greatly reduces the risk of being severely injured in an accident may mask other (and potentially more significant) causes of injuries and may inspire people to over invest financially and psychologically in protective gear.

First of all, as mentioned in the argument, there are two distinct kinds of gear 分总结构，先分析- preventative gear (such as light reflecting material) and protective gear (such as helmets). Preventative gear is intended to warn others, presumably for the most part motorists具体, of the presence of the roller skater. It works only if the "other" is a responsible and caring individual who will afford the skater the necessary space and attention.进一步分析preventative gear的局限性。 Protective gear is intended to reduce the effect of any accident, whether it is caused by another, the skater or some force of nature.
Protective gear does little, if anything, to prevent accidents but is presumed to reduce the injuries that occur in an accident.指出protective gear的局限性。
The statistics on injuries suffered by skaters would be more interesting if the skaters were grouped into those wearing no gear at all, those wearing protective gear only, those wearing preventative gear only and those wearing both具体化提出了原文的缺陷.
These statistics could provide skaters with a clearer understanding of which kinds of gear are more beneficial.分论点最后提出。

The argument above is weakened by the fact that it does not take into account the inherent differences between skaters who wear gear and those who do not.直接提出分论点。具体指出differences是什么If is at least likely that those who wear gear may be generally more responsible and/or safety conscious individuals.
The skaters who wear gear may be less likely to cause accidents through careless or dangerous behavior.
It may, in fact, be their natural caution and repsonsibility that keeps them out of the emergency room rather than the gear itself. Also, the statistic above is based entirely on those who are skating in streets and parking lots which are relatively dangerous places to skate in the first place.结合作者和分析和议题，详细指出议题的问题所在。
People who are generally more safety conscious (and therefore more likely to wear gear) may choose to skate in safer areas such as parks or back yards.在举例之后进行分析支持。

The statistic also goes not differentiate between severity of injuries.
The conclusion that safety gear prevents severe injuries suggests that it is presumed that people come to the emergency room only with severe injuries具体联系题目.
This is certainly not the case. Also, given that skating is a recreational activity that may be primarily engaged in during evenings and weekends (when doctors' offices are closed), skater with less severe injuries may be especially likely to come to the emergency room for treatment.这一句分析增加了观点的合理性，说明区分的必要性。

Finally, there is absolutely no evidence provided that high quality (and presumably more expensive) gear is any more beneficial than other kinds of gear.
For example, a simple white t-shirt may provide the same preventative benefit as a higher quality, more expensive, shirt designed only for skating. 举例简单合理。Before skaters are encouraged to invest heavily in gear, a more complete understanding of the benefit provided by individual pieces of gear would be helpful.最后一句建议升华层次。

The argument for safety gear based on emergency room statistics could provide important information and potentially saves lives.
Before conclusions about the amount and kinds of investments that should be made in gear are reached, however, a more complete understanding of the benefits are needed.
After all, a false confidence in ineffective gear could be just as dangerous as no gear at all.总结，升华文章的意义。

攻击对象先主后次，详略得当。在保证了完整论证的前提下，说明了文章的重要性，升华了文章的意义，从而进一步提升了文章的层次。

Essay Response – Score 5

The argument presented is limited but useful.
It indicates a possible relationship between a high percentage of accidents and a lack of protective equipment.
The statistics cited compel a further investigation of the usefulness of protective gear in preventing or mitigating roller-skating related injuries. However, the conclusion that protective gear and reflective equipment would "greatly reduce risk of being severely injured" is premature.和下面的论证的详略度相比，这一段是多余的，没有任何分析的具体价值。 Data is lacking with reference to the total population of skaters and the relative levels of experience, skill and physical coordination of that population. It is entirely possible that further research would indicate that most serious injury is averted by the skater's ability to react quickly and skillfully in emergency situations.这两句提出了第一个分论点，但是没有具体分析，使得观点很空洞，论证无效。

Another area of investigation necessary before conclusions can be reached is identification of the types of injuries that occur and the various causes of those injuries.提出分论点。 The article fails to identify the most prevalent types of roller-skating related injuries. It also fails to correlate the absence of protective gear and reflective equipment to those injuries. For example对分析提出事实依据, if the majority of injuries are skin abrasions and closed-head injuries, then a case can be made for the usefulness of protective clothing mentioned.
Likewise, if injuries are caused by collision with vehicles (e.g. bicycles, cars) or pedestrians, then light-reflective equipment might mitigate the occurences. However, if the primary types of injuries are soft-tissue injuries such as torn ligaments and muscles, back injuries and the like, then a greater case could be made for training and experience as preventative measures.分析中提出要区分受伤种类和其与用具的关系，一种类型的伤害是不够的，连举3种，有效的支持了观点。

没有分析的观点是无效的，因而第一个分论点没有起到任何作用。第二段的分析很深入，举例和理由结合的很好，虽然只有一段，但是有效的综合了题目的两处缺陷，保证了文章总体上具有一定深度。

基于所有范文的一点：
重要且不易于掌握的一点，在举例后要通过分析把例子和前面的理由结合起来，否则中间就缺少了我们自认为的逻辑联系。

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地板

发表于 2010-1-26 06:04:46 |只看该作者

作文：
issue13:
https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/thread-1041506-1-1.html

argument143:
https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/thread-1042020-1-1.html

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5楼

发表于 2010-1-27 20:48:56 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 wunonomei 于 2010-1-28 08:58 编辑

第二次作业
130."How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
今天孩子的社会化方式决定了社会的明天。遗憾的是，我们还不知道如何去培养这些能有助于带来一个更好社会的孩子们。

Syllabus
1.
社会的明天是由今天的孩子创造的，这是公认的，但是在中国，人们对更好的社会就是物质生活更加丰富的错误理解造成了人们实际上并不懂得如何培养孩子。
2.
教育的重心却放在了知识上，缺少了对孩子的心理的辅导。使得孩子目光短浅，心理脆弱。
3.
对知识的偏重也使人们忽视了孩子个人特质的发展，造成资源的浪费。
4.
社会是包括物质和精神两方面的，缺一不可，只有在重视知识教育的同时注重实践，并且顺应个人特性，才能使孩子的能力最大化，创建更好的社会。

WORDS: 373
TIME: 01:30:00

Children today build up society tomorrow. A good society in Chinese understanding now is a society full of material which can serve better physical lives to all; while, it really serves both physical and psychological functions. In such sense, people actually do not know how to raise children for a better society.

People's pursue of economic progressing devotes to children's psychological displacement. Since people enjoy the fruit of technology progress, they admire knowledge better than ever before, thus concentrating education on the information transmitting instead of balancing knowledge with using. Now in China, most children can tell housework is part of life, while they do not do any housework. When these children enter the society to build their own families, they hold huge pressure during daily lives such as tidying the room, cooking, washing clothes, even calling for reparation help. Also when children keep studying in classrooms without connection to the outer world, they remain isolated emotionally. They cannot deal with relationship with colleagues, feel lonely most time. One of my work team member always finish his part quickly but not well with the whole job, then every time he needs more time to make the adjustment. He could do better if he have communicated with us more often, but he is too shy to do this. The society requires people who know technology and how to use as well.

And education today tries to make every person an engineer, which loses a lot of energy during fighting against human nature. People all see that engineers earn much and are so-called white-collars, glorious when talked about. Parents decide the future of their children, neglecting what they suits. It is common phenomenon that someone studies one class instead of his interest and doodles the college years, finally gain nothing. Years later, some still bear the uncomfortable classes, some give up to find their real interest. For the former group, we can expect them unnoticeable career lives; and for the next group, we can expect them struggling for long during the changing process.

A society is formed to interconnect people with material, information and emotion. Only people concentrate education on information, practice, and obeying human nature, can maximize children's abilities to build a better society.

我写文章时对socialization的理解有误，我原来的理解过于宽泛，将socialization和广义的教育等同了，面太广，造成写作时逻辑混乱，论证不合理，也没有很好的事例支持，这篇文章我自己都觉得只能打2分。写issue时要注意范围，不要太宽泛，这样才能比较好的把握，写出来的文章也不空洞。这篇文没有修改的必要的，重写。

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发表于 2010-1-27 20:49:29 |只看该作者

第二次作业
51.The following appeared in a medical newsletter.
"Doctors have long suspected that secondary infections may keep some patients from healing quickly after severe muscle strain. This hypothesis has now been proved by preliminary results of a study of two groups of patients. The first group of patients, all being treated for muscle injuries by Dr. Newland, a doctor who specializes in sports medicine, took antibiotics regularly throughout their treatment. Their recuperation time was, on average, 40 percent quicker than typically expected. Patients in the second group, all being treated by Dr. Alton, a general physician, were given sugar pills, although the patients believed they were taking antibiotics. Their average recuperation time was not significantly reduced. Therefore, all patients who are diagnosed with muscle strain would be well advised to take antibiotics as part of their treatment."

syllabus:
1.实验中的肌肉受伤和结论中的肌肉劳损不一致。怀疑中的严重肌肉劳损和最后建议中的肌肉劳损程度没有区分。
2.两组医生是否具有可比性，专科医生的专业性更强，能够更容易治好严重的疾病。
3.实验中没有研究抗生素的副作用，下结论是也没有考虑在群体大量使用抗生素后可能造成的严重后果。
4.实验结果不能表明是二次感染造成了严重肌肉拉伤病人病愈较慢

WORDS: 412 TIME: 01:29:34

This author makes two conclusions based on the study result, secondary infections keeping some severe-muscle-strain patients from healing quickly and all muscle-strain patients should take antibiotics during treatment. The conclusions lack proofs to support.

The author misleadingly takes muscle strain and muscle injuries the same. Muscle injuries include all kinds of injures of muscle, which include muscle stainstrain, muscle wounded broken by knives, hot water, fire, and other kinds of injuries to muscle. Different injuries need different kinds of curing process and medicine. Muscle strain needs massage to help recover; while, muscle broken may need operations and forbid massage on them. And operation are is more likely to cause secondary infections which need antibiotics to cure. The result will be clearer when the study report distinguishes different kinds of muscle injuries and focuses on muscle strain. Even muscle strain contains different levels of injuries. Only when the study tells these levels apart, can we understand whether antibiotics help treat severe injure more effective.

This study does not identify how the expected recuperation time is resulted. The time bases on the kind of injury, the severity, the eptability of the doctor and probably the history data. If the time averaged from the whole medical group, the ept ability of the doctor is important. While the study adopts two different doctors majored in different areas. We can easily assume the doctor in first group specializes in sports medicine, maybe a superior in the group, gives more effective treatments to muscle injuries caused by incorrect sports practice than the general physician, maybe a normal one; thus, the time of the first group is quicker thantthan expected.

Even antibiotics work during the treatment,treatment; it is unwise to make the suggestion of its usage without studying the side-effect. We all know that every medicine has its side-effect. And antibiotics are controlled in quantity during treatment, as the abuse of antibiotics causes ineffectiveness.

Also no details in the study show relationship with the secondary infection, which doctors suspect is the cause of longer recuperation period of some severe-muscle strain patients. Antibiotics may work effecientlyefficiently with the injuries themselves as many injuries have symptonssymptoms of infections from the beginning. If so, it is obvious why the first group recuperated quicklier. To thoroughly study how the antibiotics deal with the ailment will give more support to the doctor's hypothesis.

A more thorough study and more careful understanding of the result will help give a cogent conclusion that will help patients with condifenceconfidence.

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7楼

发表于 2010-1-29 12:11:19 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 wunonomei 于 2010-1-29 12:14 编辑

第三次作业 argument53

argument还是写起来比较简单，但是分析错误的时候花了我不少时间，比较困难的是，怎样把一些错误综合在一段里给写出来。
虽然逻辑很简单，但是理清楚也花了我不少时间，不过还是有所收获的，题目逻辑清楚了，写的时候条理比较清晰。

放上我分析的逻辑：
逻辑：
1.25个婴儿相对紧张+这25个婴儿更可能是在早秋被怀上的+秋天孕妇melatonin水平高->melatonin会造成羞怯
2.25个婴儿中有超过一半13年后认为自己害羞->幼年的害羞会延续到成年

53. Thirteen years ago, researchers studied a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli such as an unusual odor or a tape recording of an unknown voice. They discovered that these infants were more likely than other infants to have been conceived in early autumn, a time when their mothers' production of melatonin—a hormone known to affect some brain functions—would naturally increase in response to decreased daylight. In a follow-up study conducted earlier this year, more than half of these children—now teenagers—who had shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy. Clearly, increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life.

syllabus:
1.缺乏melatonin功能的详细背景描述，直接默认了melatonin对大脑功能的影响是造成羞怯，很有可能是其它功能，或是其它未提及的复杂因素造成了羞怯。
2.偷换概念，distress和shyness是不同的，distress是一种正常的反应，和shyness不是一回事。即使distress和shyness有某种联系，仅仅是mild distress的研究还是不够的，害羞的人的反应通常会明显很多。
3.成长过程中有很多因素会造成害羞，没有对成长环境等综合因素进行分析，不能认为是幼年的害羞造成的。

WORDS: 479
TIME: 01:22:25
DATE: 2010/1/29 11:55:12

The author makes two hasty conclusions about the cause of shyness during infancy and its influence continuing into later life without thorough casual relationship analysis and by confusing readers with different concepts.

To begin with, how melatonin causing shyness remains unknown in this argument. The author only tells that melatonin is a hormone that affects some brain functions without mentioning what the functions are. One brain regulates all one's actions; thus, these functions it shows contain emotional displacement, physical reaction, mental analysis and so on. Also, there are amounts of hormones working in brain to help constituting the whole emotional reactions with respective effect on the specific kind of emotion-happiness, anger, distress, shyness, or others. Thus, only direct comment that melatonin influences the shyness function is represented, can we accept this causal relationship.

Secondly, the author confuses distress with shyness during the study. The distress caused by unfamiliar stimuli could be shyness, horror, tense, dislike, or even curiosity, which depends on the different kinds of stimuli. In this study, if the odor smells like smelly carious eggs, infants possibly shows distress of detest. And if the unknown voice comes from a most classic part of some horror movie, infants are most likely distressed full of afraid. Even the distress of the group of infants is the sign of shyness; it does not necessarily mean these infants are shier than others. Most people show shyness to some kinds of stimuli, which distinguishes the shy infants from others is the level. Shy infants, usually, will show more intensive reactions than others; however, the author only uses the word "mild" to level this group of infants in the study, leaving the status of infants born in seasons other than autumn unknown. The relationship between distress and shyness and the response of infants born in other seasons both need clarification to be effective.

Finally, the second study misses the circumstance's influences to the shyness of the infants. Circumstance contributes the most part of education besides the human nature, and people are changing all the time. Incorrect home education of beating children all the time, proscribing their activities with the outside, and loveless relationship between parents will prevent children from healthy connection with the society, possibly causing shyness. Society's attitude towards children's fallacies also affects them. For example, a child not talented in study in a society admires talents most will feel much pressure in the class and other places where he is compared with others as a failure. In the consequence of this, he may feel shy never before. Without ruling out the other causes of shyness during the children's growth, the author cannot make such conclusion about its continuity.

The author need take into consideration of more details of study about melatonin, relationship of distress and shyness, and the causes of shyness of teenagers, to fulfill his proofs to more cogent conclusions.

上一篇argument51有人认为我的论述过于细节化，我这么写是分析官方范文的结果，即使一个小理由，也要将其具体。不知道是不是自己的实践能力还不够到位。这个星期总结的时候要分析一下这一点。还有就是句式是否过于简单，也要看。

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8楼

发表于 2010-2-1 20:56:35 |只看该作者

238.The following appeared in a memorandum from the president of Mira Vista College to the college's board of trustees.

"At nearby Green Mountain College, which has more business courses and more job counselors than does Mira Vista College, 90 percent of last year's graduating seniors had job offers from prospective employers. But at Mira Vista College last year, only 70 percent of the seniors who informed the placement office that they would be seeking employment had found full-time jobs within three months after graduation, and only half of these graduates were employed in their major field of study. To help Mira Vista's graduates find employment, we must offer more courses in business and computer technology and hire additional job counselors to help students with their resumés and interviewing skills."

syllabus:
1.没有GMC学生的就业情况的详细分析，不能判断其经验是否有用。
2.即使GMC的经验能用，也和商务课程和职业顾问没有必然的联系，可能多仅仅是因为学生更多或是效率较差等，缺少证据。
3.没有全面考虑影响就业率的因素：MVC和GMC的区别的详细分析有助于做出更好的选择，GMC可能专业热门、学生实力强等因素（要具体要多，要从各个角度来考虑可能性）。从专业能力角度考虑和面试技巧等方面考虑。

WORDS: 429 TIME: 01:35:02 DATE: 2010/2/1 20:41:40

The president made a hasty conclusion about how to help improve Mira Vista's graduates' employment merely basing on rough analogy of Green Mountain College(GM) and Mira Vista College(MV) and without thoroughly consider the factors influencing it.

The president fails to prove GM's employment status is better than MV's by just giving one simple percentage of employment rate. One can easily tell there are more than one data needed to fully think about the employment status, as the president has already showed some of MV's in his thoughts. GM's total employment, though, is 20 percent higher than MV's; it does not necessarily mean its employment suitable with the seniors' major field of study are its full-time jobs' rate are also higher. Even the data of MV are collected within three months after graduation; that of GM is probably collected one year after graduation. Clear data comparison of the two colleges will help understand if GM does a better job.

Even a better job of GM still cannot make it necessary offer more courses in business and computer technology and hire additional job counselors. No data about teacher-student ratio and job counselor-senior ratio of these classes in the two colleges are shown. GM's courses may be more because it has even much more students than MV. Or maybe all MV seniors have taken these classes, but they show bad competence of both courses as the teachers do not take them serious enough to be minor. Besides, job counselors may mainly be asked to guide seniors about what kinds of jobs are suitable, ignoring their abilities with improving resumes and interviewing skills. Thus, some lectures held by current job counselors about these abilities should meet the requirements.

Factors influencing employment varies. Some kinds of specialized skills like business and computer skills do not supplement the whole employing process. To the employers' perspective, majors and competence are most important. Then, do GM's graduates major more in hot fields? Are GM's students more competent when they get into college or after college education? To seniors' perspective, salary and working place contribute a lot to the acceptation of job offer. Thus, have GM's students taken psychological classes to keep better tolerance with salaries or working places with rationality? To the colleges' perspective during employing period, does GM arrange better employment meetings to allure more employers. Do GM's seniors have more accesses to the employing information?

The good will of improving employment can only be fulfilled if the president of MV examines the experience of GM carefully and takes all aspects of employing process in to mind.

God help those who help themselves!!!

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9楼

发表于 2010-2-3 15:30:10 |只看该作者

感谢小鸟和果果的修改，重写了argument 238

238.The following appeared in a memorandum from the president of Mira Vista College to the college's board of trustees.

"At nearby Green Mountain College, which has more business courses and more job counselors than does Mira Vista College, 90 percent of last year's graduating seniors had job offers from prospective employers. But at Mira Vista College last year, only 70 percent of the seniors who informed the placement office that they would be seeking employment had found full-time jobs within three months after graduation, and only half of these graduates were employed in their major field of study. To help Mira Vista's graduates find employment, we must offer more courses in business and computer technology and hire additional job counselors to help students with their resumés and interviewing skills."

syllabus:
1.两个学校的具体就业数据的比较不详细，不能认为GM一定比MV好。
2.即使GMC的经验能用，也和商务课程和职业顾问没有必然的联系。
3.没有全面考虑影响就业率的因素，从雇主，毕业生和学校三个角度举例。

WORDS: 482

The president makes a hasty conclusion about how to help improve Mira Vista's graduates' employment merely basing on a rough analogy between Green Mountain College(GM) and Mira Vista College(MV), and without thoroughly considering the influencing factors.

The president fails to prove GM's employment status is better than MV's by ignoring detailed data comparison. Since the president has already showed several data---70 percent, three month, only half---about MV's employment status from different aspects, one can easily tell more data about GM’s, besides 90 percent, are needed to fulfill comparison. With regard to the only comparison of both colleges’ total employment status,
the 20-percent difference still does not necessarily mean the employment suitable for the seniors' major fields of study and the full-time-job rate of GM are also higher. Even the data of MV are collected within three months after graduation; while that of GM are probably collected one year after graduation, the president also missing this. Clear data comparison between the two colleges will help understand if GM performs better than MV on employment status, thereby decide if GM is a worthy example.

Even GM actually performs better than MV, its root causes are not necessarily offering more business and computer courses and hiring additional job counselors are. No ratios are shown of teachers to students in these classes and job counselors to seniors of the two colleges. GM's courses may be more than MV’s because it has even much more students. Or maybe all MV seniors have taken these classes as minors, but they show bad competence of both courses as the teachers do not take them serious enough. Besides, job counselors may mainly be asked to guide seniors about what kinds of jobs are suitable, by ignoring their abilities with improving resumes and interviewing skills; and they have spare time. More efficiently, some lectures held by current job counselors about these abilities should meet the requirements, not additional hands.

Influencing factors of employment vary with aspects. Some specialized skills like business and computer skills do not supplement the whole employing process. To the employers' perspective, majors and competence are most important. Hence, what matters is whether GM's graduates major more in hot fields, or whether GM's students were more competent when they went into college or after college education? To seniors' perspective, salary and working place contribute a lot to the acceptation of job offers. Thus, it is important if GM's students take psychological classes to keep better tolerance with salaries or working places with rationality. To the colleges' perspective during employing period, the questions like “does GM arrange better employment meetings to allure more employers?”, and “have GM's seniors more accesses to the employing information?” weigh much

The good will of improving employment can only be fulfilled if the president of MV examines the experience of GM carefully and takes all aspects of employing process in to mind.

God help those who help themselves!!!

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10楼

发表于 2010-2-3 16:40:53 |只看该作者

总结argument238里出现的问题

To help Mira Vista's graduates find employment, we must offer more courses in business and computer technology and hire additional job counselors to help students with their resumés and interviewing skills."
攻击的是结论里的additional job counselor是不是不太好，不是不太好，只要是题目中的错误都可以攻击。但是攻击一定要紧密结合分论点。所以列提纲时，要明确分论点的支持论据。重要的是逻辑缜密。

从句的结构对应关系不定式的使用连词的使用要注意练习
学习错误分类、表达方式。
首要的是提纲的逻辑，而不是错误的分类。

所以我需要的是从列强逻辑性的提纲开始练习。

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11楼

发表于 2010-2-4 09:42:29 |只看该作者

第六次作业，
这次写，着重在写提纲时细节化了一下，写起来稍微轻松了些。不过还是花了很长时间啊。

203.The following appeared in a newspaper feature story.

"At the small, nonprofit hospital in the town of Saluda, the average length of a patient's stay is two days; at the large, for-profit hospital in the nearby city of Megaville, the average patient stay is six days. Also, the cure rate among patients in the Saluda hospital is about twice that of the Megaville hospital. The Saluda hospital has more employees per patient than the hospital in Megaville, and there are few complaints about service at the local hospital. Such data indicate that treatment in smaller, nonprofit hospitals is more economical and of better quality than treatment in larger, for-profit hospitals."

1.在对医院的治疗能力进行分析的时候忽略了对不同医院病人本身情况的分析。
1.1可能大医院的治疗能力更强，所以更多的重病患者在大医院治疗。
1.1.1所以6天比2天没有说服力
1.1.2所以治愈率也没有参考性

2.错误的将医院的附加功能理解为医院的治疗水平。
2.1医院的员工除了医生护士还包括清洁员，保安等，食堂师傅等，这些人对治疗水平本身没有帮助。
2.2医院设备不仅包括医疗设备，也包括售货机、洗手间等辅助设备；服务也包括导医服务、看病取药排队长度等；这些都不直接影响治疗。

3.即使Saluda治疗水平更高，也不能将大小和是否盈利的巧合认为和医院治疗水平是因果关系。
3.1没有直接分析大小和是否盈利和医疗水平直接的关系。
3.1.1可能在其他地方，由于是盈利性医院，医院有更多的金钱来购买更先进的治疗设备，能付医生更高的工资使得医生在当地的生活水平非常高，从而大的盈利性医院治疗更好。
3.2也没有考虑其它可能会影响到治疗水平的因素。
3.2.1可能相反，S的居住环境和生活水准较高，医院对人才的家庭安置条件很好，所以吸引了更多的医学人才在此就职

WORDS: 433
TIME: 01:27:46
DATE: 2010/2/3 20:55:29

The author makes a false conclusion of the treatment in two different kinds of hospitals by just listing out several differences between them without considering the inner connection of these facts and the treatment levels.

The author ignores analysing different levels of illness of patients. It is obvious that heavy diseases have lower cure rate and longer period of recovering. Megaville, as a large hospital in a city where more heavy diseases may appear than in a town, probably allures higher rate of heavy patients than Saluda because it has better treatment. That will also explain why its cure rate is lower and its recuperation period is longer. Study of the component of patients in the two hospitals help achieve accurate analysis of these data and thus correct conclusion.

Besides, the author falsely interprets the additional functions of hospitals as the treatment function. Hospitals employ doctors and nurses to implement the main function of treatment; still cleaners, guards, and even cooks in a large hospital, to maintain the daily living function and the like, who actually have nothing to do with the treatment. Accordingly, more employees per patient in the Saluda hospital does not equal to more care per patient to lead to better treatment. Likewise, hospital service serves the treatment function with additional functions to convenient patients and their accompaniers including auto-sellers, guide to fast orientation and things the like. Detail data based on a classification of complaints about service will clearly show the treatment effect.

Even if the Saluda hospital performs better than the Megaville hospital, the coincidence of opposite hospital sizes and profit policy with the treatment performance does not automatically form causal relationship. The author omits to analyse how the hospital size and profit policy relates to the treatment performance. Maybe hospitals in somewhere else earn much out of the profit policy, ending to purchase most advanced medical facilities and to allure doctors with high level by disbursing high salaries; while the nonprofit hospitals cannot have sufficient fund to make the same things. These outcomes of for-profit policy will surely make good treatment performance. The author also omits other possible influencing factors of the treatment level. Good doctors may be interested in the natural living environment or the nice working policies from the hospitals like supplying free family vocations, no overtime, and free domiciles. Any factor that may influence the hospital facilities and doctors' work decisions will affect the hospital's treatment performance, and the author should take them into consideration before conclusion.

Flaws during the line of reasoning like ignoring important facts of patients' condition, wrong understanding of the hospital's function, and false analogy of the hospitals make this argument lack persuasion about the conclusion of hospitals' treatment performance.

God help those who help themselves!!!

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