[经典批改讨论] issue144 好久没来了,挺想念的. 来为本版添一点内容:一篇我修改的作文 [复制链接]

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电梯直达

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发表于 2003-11-25 17:58:54 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

今天上网来这里看见版主说这段时间比较冷清,想到以前在这里得到很多帮助就想作一点贡献,发现U盘里面有一篇以前帮别人改的文章和自己考G完后写的一篇,就一起发了上来,虽然我的水平不高,还是可以给新来的借鉴一下.(我自己写的那篇见另一贴)

申明一下,这篇是我两个多月前给一个G友改的,此次贴出来是临时决定,还没有经过她的同意,希望她看见了不要生气哈.......

TOPIC:"It is the artist, not the critic,* who gives society something of lasting value."

*a person who evaluates works of art, such as novels, films, music, paintings, etc.

Is it the artist, or the critic, who gives society something of lasting value? This question seems a little confusing as it struggles to make a clear delimitation of the source of art’s value.( the source of art’s value??? 好象这句表达得不是特别清楚, 是不是改一下?) I concede that it is artist who has bestowed great works with value on society, however, the function of critics should never be ignored as one of the indispensable impetuses of art.

Of course, artists are the coiner of works that influence and promote the progress of society. They often bear outstanding insight(insight 不宜用outstanding来修饰)  into the world round them and an unrivaled foresight(这个搭配用在这里好像太绝对了) of the future, making them always the first to discover the essentials beneath the external appearance of various phenomena and the first to predict the future of human beings. It does not mean that they could tell what will happen tomorrow but that based on a thorough understanding of today, they could perceive the destiny of society if the current tendency keep going on and then try their best to prevent the bad from happening and create the good. Due to their preeminent aptitude and assiduousness, we possess a more refulgent today and tomorrow.(这里没有必要用这种结构:it does not mean that…but that...直接陈述but that后面的观点即可. 否则让人感觉你对自己的观点没有信心)

However, the importance of artists in creating could not overshadow that of critics, who are struggling to make the world accept and realize the value of art. Some people may argue that the truly valuable works, no matter how long they have to wait before accepted, can ultimately manifest value of themselves, even with no critics. It is the case in many(这里用some好一些,用many对你的观点不利)circumstances, but how about in the one below: A person never heard of by the public before has written an excellent book, after it is on the bookshelf in stores, how many customers would notice it as glancing over so many covers of books? The probability is too small.  Now that it can not be assessed to the demos at all, how can we expect its significance to be realized? But if here is a critic, reading all the latest book as a job task or self interest, and if the one is competent enough to discover its value, through introduction and recommendation in many forms, at least an opportunity for masses to know the book is created and on that base can we discuss the value of it.(这段的观点是不错的:CRITICS帮助人们发现那些OTHERWISE被忽视的GREAT WORK. 但是你的例子不是太有代表性,特别是当你在段首又做出了一定让步的情况下,你的例子没有和你让步中提出的情况构成鲜明对比,让人感觉你的例子正是你所让步的那种情况. “no matter how long they have to wait before accepted, can ultimately manifest value of themselves, even with no critics” 照这样说你的例子中的作品也应该在若干年后被证明VALUABEL.)

Other than the function mentioned above, which after all are rare cases, in fact, critics have a more important and significant function-- systematize art works, leading to a more promising advancement both of the art itself and society as a whole. Works, as created by disparate individuals, are inevitable divergent in their contents, styles, themes and so forth. When they are presented in front of us, each standing alone, We may feel a kind of racket. While the critics, with expertise in art, probe the inbeing of them and classify them in several categories, in other words, make a “crowd” into a ‘group’, making it more efficient for study. For example, in music, there are classicism and romanticism. What’s more, the existence of critic has created an ethos of more attention and research on art, greatly help the development of art.(这一段的观点非常深刻,可以说是insightful, 此处make a “crowd” into a ‘group’的说法简洁又加深了你的观点. 这段非常好)

In conclusion, critic has contributed greatly to art, exhuming those valuable pieces overlooked by the masses, systematizing art work and creating a consummate world for art to survive and thrive.  Therefore, when we are extolling the value of an art work, we should not only keep in mind the author of it, but also that there is a weight the critics hold.

总的来说你的文章写的很好, 应该是高分作文的范畴了. 第一次读时感觉总体条理很清晰,有理有据.特别是倒数第二段给人印象深刻.

我的修改是在非常CRITIAL 的态度下完成的.可能有些不妥,(我本来都很菜,只是发表自己的看法)你自己斟作.
一点提醒: 你在使用长句时好像句子结构有时过于松垮, 反而削减了气势, 比如第二段的后面  “but that based on a thorough understanding of today, they could perceive the destiny of society if the current tendency keep going on and then try their best to prevent the bad from happening and create the good. Due to their preeminent aptitude and assiduousness, we possess a more refulgent today and tomorrow”
还有注意一下有关程度的词, 尽量不要太过绝对,虽然老美讨厌中庸,但是一个观点还是要经得起常识性的反驳.

you fight, you survive!