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[优秀习作] 被删题目：higher education challenge value（点评 by imong） [复制链接]

syd
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电梯直达

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发表于 2004-3-17 11:22:59 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

"It is important for higher education to challenge established traditions and values."

Higher education, in a historical sense, has served as the origin of great many social revolutions and reforms. Each time these revolutions took place; they were accompanied with challenges to the established traditions and values. Thus, it is the natural attribute of education to help the educatees to question the established and create the new ideas and trends for the society.

Established traditions and values, which could be regarded as the conclusion of the past, regulate the populace from doing anything out of their control. Consequently, the educatees, and to a larger extent, the society, is held in bondages. These regulations and bondages, while they do help ensure the stability of the society, however, deter the improvement and progress of human beings. Traditional value has posed many problems for the society and its people. For instance, the inequity of male and female, which existed in most of the countries on the earth, actually slowed the pace of evolution of the human beings since half of them cannot be treated equally with another. These traditional values assisted that women are not as wise as men and are consequently useless to the society, as they cannot do the same work as men do, which needs strength and power. However, on the contrary, the excellence of women in our modern age proved these values to be fundamentally incorrect. From Nightingale to Albright, these outstanding women played their roles sometimes far more, if not so, as important as men did in modern history ever since they fought for the same opportunity as men were given.

In the fight against established traditions and values, no one can possibly ignore the role that higher education played and its significant contributions. The fight for the rights of the black people in the US is a case in point. Being analogous with women who had suffered the inequities, the black people cannot receive the same treatment as the white. For instance, they have no right to receive the higher education in America's widespread universities, state or private. However, the first breakthrough happened at these very places where they used to have no access to. University of Alabama started to enroll the black students. And then more and more universities began to do so. This aptly illustrates how higher education challenges the established values of the society.

Finally, of those who received higher education, whose main purpose is to enlighten them with wisdom and charity, developed strong will to fulfill their missions. Their targets focus on the most persistent and urgent problems and plagues of the society. For instance, Simone De Beauvior, once a gifted student who studied philosophy at the famous Paris Higher Normal School, the leader to fight with the inequity of men and women, changed the worldwide view toward women by her distinguished book-" the second sex". That is how by inculcating the educatees with the unbiased opinions and a variety of knowledge, the traditions and established values are changed.

In sum, higher education is the engine for the pioneers to reform the current world by changing its formed value and traditions into better ones. Without higher education, the human beings cannot evolve, and the society is likely to stay where it was.

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syd
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沙发

发表于 2004-3-17 17:20:55 |只看该作者

自己改，顺便顶一下

"It is important for higher education to challenge established traditions and values."

Higher education, in a historical sense, has served as the origin of great many social revolutions and reforms. Each time these revolutions took place; they were accompanied with challenges to the established traditions and values. Thus, it is the natural attribute of education to help the educatees to去掉TO question the established and create the new ideas and trends for the society.

Established traditions and values, which could be regarded as the conclusion of the past, regulate the populace from doing anything out of their controlTHE SOCIAL NORMS. Consequently, the educatees, and to a larger extent, the society, is held in bondages. These regulations and bondages, while they do help ensure the stability of the society, however, deter the improvement and progress of human beings.IN OTHER WORDS， Traditional value has posed many problems for the society and its people. For instance, the inequity of male and female, which existed in most of the countries on the earth, actually slowed the pace of evolution of the human beings since half of them cannot be treated equally with another. TheseTHE traditional valuesVALUE assisted that women are not as wise as men and are consequently useless to the society, as they cannot do the same work as men do, which needs strength and power. However, on the contrary, the excellence of women in our modern age proved these values to be fundamentally incorrect. From Nightingale to Albright, these outstanding women played their roles sometimes far more, if not so, as important as men did in modern history ever since they fought for the same opportunity as men were given.

In the fight against established traditions and valuesSTATED ABOVE, no one can possibly ignore the role that higher education played and its significant contributions. The fightCAMPAIGN for the rights of the black people in the US is a case in point. Being analogous with women who had suffered the inequities, the black people cannot receive the same treatment as the whiteBE TREATED EQUALLY WITH THE WHITE. For instance, they have no right to receive the higher education in America's widespread universities, state or private. However, the first breakthrough happened at these very places where they used to have no access to. University of Alabama started to enroll the black students, and then more and more universities began to do so. This aptly illustrates how higher education challenges the established values of the society.

Finally, of those who received higher education, whose main purpose is to enlighten them with wisdom and charity, developed strong will to fulfill their missions. Their targets focus on the most persistent and urgent problems and plagues of the society. For instance, Simone De Beauvior, once a gifted student who studied philosophy at the famous Paris Higher Normal School, the leader to fight with the inequity of men and women, changed the worldwide view toward women by her distinguished book-" the second sex". That isillustrates how by inculcating the educatees with the unbiased opinions and a variety of knowledge, the traditions and established values are changed.

In sum, higher education is the engine for the pioneers to reform the current world by changing its formed value and traditions into better ones. Without higher education, the去掉THE human beings cannot evolve, and the society will also stay where it wasAND SO DOES THE SOCIETY.

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imong
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板凳

发表于 2004-3-17 17:33:05 |只看该作者

收到，这篇文章我接了。最晚晚上9点看修改稿。

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syd
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地板

发表于 2004-3-17 17:46:41 |只看该作者

谢过IMONG了，这是最近写的稍微满意DD的文章，个人感觉自从限时之后，越写越八股，这篇没有限时，但是，最后一看时间，第一版只用了42分钟，FT！

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imong
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5楼

发表于 2004-3-17 19:08:02 |只看该作者

Higher education, in a historical sense, has served as the origin of great many social revolutions and reforms. Each time these revolutions took place; they were accompanied with challenges to the established traditions and values. Thus, it is the natural attribute of （？）education to help the educatees question the established and create the new ideas and trends for the society.开头尽量不要用thus, hence这种词汇。三句话就出结论了？我觉得同样的意思用it becomes clear, THEN, that...都可以。你现在提出的应该是thesis而不是conclusion吧。

Established traditions and values, which could be regarded as the conclusion of the past,（这个从句放到word里面估计是绿线，这种which从句应该是不规范的，何况句子用as 开头引导不就得了） regulate the populace from doing anything out of their controlTHE SOCIAL NORMS. Consequently, the educatees, and to a larger extent, （这里似乎没有逗号）the society, is（有没有实意动词？） held in bondages. These regulations and bondages, while they do help ensure the stability of the society, however, 前面一个while后面就不要however，重复了，况且句子没必要被3个逗号拆成四块，直接while..., these regulations....就搞定。deter the improvement and progress of human beings.

后面的句法不看了，主要看看内容。

Traditional value has posed many problems for the society and its people.这一句和前面缺乏衔接 For instance, the inequity of male and female, which existed in most of the countries on the earth, actually slowed the pace of evolution of the human beings since half of them cannot be treated equally with another. These traditional values assisted that women are not as wise as men and are consequently useless to the society, as they cannot do the same work as men do, which needs strength and power. However, on the contrary, the excellence of women in our modern age proved these values to be fundamentally incorrect. From Nightingale to Albright, these outstanding women played their roles sometimes far more, if not so, as important as men did in modern history ever since they fought for the same opportunity as men were given
b1扯得太远！同时，你的TS：regulate the populace from doing anything out of their control. 从一开始就立在了比较偏远的位置！如果一开始立在traditions should be challenged in that...似乎会好些。

In the fight against established traditions and valuesSTATED ABOVE, no one can possibly ignore the role that higher education played and its significant contributions. The fightCAMPAIGN for the rights of the black people in the US is a case in point. Being analogous with women who had suffered the inequities, the black people cannot receive the same treatment as the whiteBE TREATED EQUALLY WITH THE WHITE. For instance, they have no right to receive the higher education in America's widespread universities, state or private. However, the first breakthrough happened at these very places where they used to have no access to. University of Alabama started to enroll the black students, and then more and more universities began to do so. This aptly illustrates how higher education challenges the established values of the society. 叙述了现象却根本没有说原因。why it is HIGHER EDUCATION that bear such responsibility？根本没回答嘛。这个很要命。

Finally,这个衔接不好 of those who received higher education, whose 指代不清？main purpose is to enlighten them with wisdom and charity, developed strong will to fulfill their missions.主语呢？ Their targets focus on the most persistent and urgent problems and plagues of the society. For instance, Simone De Beauvior, once a gifted student who studied philosophy at the famous Paris Higher Normal School, the leader to fight with the inequity of men and women, changed the worldwide view toward women by her distinguished book-" the second sex". That isillustrates how by inculcating the educatees with the unbiased opinions and a variety of knowledge, the traditions and established values are changed.

In sum, higher education is the engine for the pioneers to reform the current world by changing its formed value and traditions into better ones. Without higher education, the去掉THE human beings cannot evolve, and the society will also stay where it wasAND SO DOES THE SOCIETY.

论点基本上clear，各个段落零零散散，好在对原题都还算pertinent，这篇文章也就是（标准？）4分的水平。好好反思自己对题目的整体理解和组织跑到哪里去了。

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6楼

发表于 2004-3-17 19:33:44 |只看该作者

看得我有点晕，感觉各段的衔接弱了些，body1远了点，各段的topci sentence也不理想，缺少衔接词。结尾要重述你的main ideas也就是每段的大意，不要写得太简单。用词不错但是句子缺乏流畅感，感觉比读GRE阅读还难。尽说了些你的不足，但比你上次写得好了些，快考了吧，加油！

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syd
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7楼

发表于 2004-3-17 21:52:21 |只看该作者

谢谢两位，郁闷了。

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imong
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8楼

发表于 2004-3-17 22:02:32 |只看该作者

最初由 syd 发布
[B]郁闷了。 [/B]

这个没必要
一块魔方在转好之前永远都是至少4个面的混乱
明白我的意思？

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9楼

发表于 2004-3-17 22:13:39 |只看该作者

其实每个人都有自己的弱点，从旁人看来可能更清楚些，我当初写的时候也是很混乱，而且用的句子和词汇都很弱，不比你强了，要有信心！我这个人也真是的，总是很吝惜鼓励赞扬的话，其实我没说的地方你就可以当作是赞扬了， :)

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syd
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10楼

发表于 2004-3-17 22:28:13 |只看该作者

哦，我，哎，总觉得自己的ISSUE 是一篇不如一篇的，觉得限时把我的灵感都整没了。越写越八股。：（
不过，我是不会放弃的，IMONG这句话以前也给DANNY说过的，我记得，我也要努力。在坛子混迹的时间不算短了，不能在关键时刻放弃的，否则给坛子丢人了。
谢谢POOH JJ。我今天有把你的帖子搜了一便，扒了不少好咚咚下来。也仔细研究了你的作文。我会尽快调整状态的。高考作文也很八股。不过我的高考作文还是考的很好的。一直也有些文史哲的积累。
自己觉得还是状态的问题。
再次谢谢两位。

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