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[经验思考] 羊年贺岁-网友习作点评系列之二 [复制链接]

tesolchina
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2015-2-24 13:49:52 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由 hj1313 于 2015-2-26 16:41 编辑

Issue 102 analysis

Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's field of study.

Write a response in which you discuss your views on the policy and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy and explain how these consequences shape your position.

还是建议大家先自己考虑一下这道题，写一个提纲或全文再来看我的习作点评。凡是回帖写提纲或全文的，我都会反馈。

习作01

The assertion suggests all students have to distribute time in learning various kinds of courses which are beyond their major courses. But I wonder whether that suggestion is levelheaded enough, in consequence of my suspiciousness that it’s just an incogitant conclusion drawn from the claimer’s superficial consideration. Though we cannot deny that taking more different courses should help breed a breadth of vision to students, but overemphasize it too much could make it a fatigue to the students.

in consequence of my suspiciousness that it’s just an incogitant conclusion drawn from the claimer’s superficial consideration这是写的什么乱七八糟的啊
难道是滥用模板句型？
最后一句也有明显的语法错误

As we all know, nowadays students learn in their campus in order to accept a further education of the field which they have interest in, or they hope to earn their living in. Usually it leads to a result that they become much more professional in their own field while much blinder to others. This policy, in some way, reminds us that don’t be narrow in studying because every subject has its own value to life or work. Learning more is never a bad thing.

这段话到底想说什么，你对这个政策的立场是什么？
中间段缺乏明确的重点

However, the policy would not only bring the acquirement of knowledge of various fields, but also bring some problems. First, learning different courses means student need to distribute their finite time in different courses. When figuring out the timetable of courses, nobody takes the energy and time of students into account for the outside class study. To some students, they cannot even handle the compulsory though they devote after-class time in the major courses, let alone to take courses of other fields. In recent years, a raised death of medical colleges in India concerned with the pressure of medical study. Some students got depressed and suicided after they had failed to qualify the examination. For medical study required so much energy and time to get the credits, long term pressed study makes them out of breath already, how could such kinds of students have time to take up more courses? If the policy is adopted, students have pressures from their field courses already may not learn more new knowledge but fail to learn their own major course well too.

这里主要讨论课业负担太重的问题，但是后面的例子并不合适，并不是在讲因为修专业外课程而导致的压力- 中间段提出的例子不合适。

Additionally, it’s not always acceptable for the students to take other fields’ courses. The abilities to learn other courses is depending, like a student of Art academy whose major course is Painting would be more likely prefer to History more than learning the Mathematics, or a student of Electronics Engineering could take up the Mechanical Engineering more easily than . Those indicate acceptability of learning other fields involves the hobby and talent of individuals. Requiring every students take up various courses may be too naive and hard to put it in action.

本段想说学生未必有能力学某些课程，这个点是成立的，但是中间段一开始就没有把观点说清楚，然后后面的语言表达也很有问题，包括明显语法问题和语法正确但是意思不清楚。

As my concern, to kindle the widely learning in different fields, we could not constitute rigid regulations to make it. Actually, students would like to dabble at fields of their interest and hobby consciously. Taking the courses is not the only way to learn. Helping them with cultivation of different kinds of interest and provide them diversified facilities to learn would attained a much better effect than requirement of taking the courses.

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ee_stone
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沙发

发表于 2015-3-1 23:35:57 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 tesolchina 于 2015-3-2 08:48 编辑

Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's field of study.

Write a response in which you discuss your views on the policy and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy and explain how these consequences shape your position.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To broaden the horizons of students and encourage the exchange of ideas, in some universities, a variety of courses outside the student's filed of study is required to be attended by every student. However, the unified requirement ignores the various characteristics of different fields of study and diverse interests of students, which will divert the path to the original goal in some cases. In my opinion, the courses outside the field of study should not be mandatory.

你考试的时候是这样写的么
一开始的背景指出某些大学这么做了而不是指出有人提出这个建议
接下来说ignores the various characteristics of different fields of study and diverse interests of students 不太能看出来你想表达的观点和后面你的立场衔接不够
divert the path from
original goal是什么呢  这里突然提出这个概念显得很突兀

ts1：
Firstly, some theoretical fields of study do need more focus on the subject so that the students will understand the key concepts and knowledge to further generate shining ideas.
许多理论性很强的学科需要非常专注的学习，才能掌握艰深的内容。比如数学发展了几千年，大学的学习要涵盖基础的内容已经非常繁重，学生根本无力去应付其他的课程。又或者临床医学，本身已经需要比其他学科更长的时间进行学习。

这个point和题目的关联在哪里？
至少主题句没有看出来
are you suggesting that requirement of taking other courses will take away students' time that should be spent on core courses? If so, say it explicitly at the very beginning!

ts2:
Besides, if students are required to take courses in other fields, the relatively weak background may destruct their confidence, and has negative impact on their further study.
如果进行其他领域的学习，学生不可避免的基础比较差，可能会影响自己的信心，从而影响其他方面的学习。同时，这种负面的影响也会导致选修课的教学效果不佳。

weak background on what? maybe this concept can be introduced later
the key issue here is whether student can perform well in those courses which may relate to their confidence and attitudes

ts3：
Last but not least, in some fields which do benefit from knowledge outside, such as economy, literature or engineering, students do not necessarily take courses in other fields, because the necessary knowledge can be obtained from other sources or has even been integrated in the courses in the original field.
在其他领域，例如经济，文学和工程学，领域之外的知识的确有帮助，但是学生也未必需要上其他领域的课程，仍然可以通过新闻，书籍，或者本领域内的课程来了解其他领域的知识。比如文学学生需要了解的历史知识，经济学学生需要了解的心理学和管理学知识都可以通过各种书籍获得。而且这种非强制的学习可能会更有效果和动力。相反，其他领域的课程很难对本领域有针对性的设计，效率反而不高。

economy- economics
your point is well taken; you are arguing that there are other ways students can learn materials outside their fields
maybe you can be more clear here suggesting two specific sources- elective courses and independent reading
the main argument should be on autonomy and students' academic freedom

I think your three points are all well justified
But you need to state the points more clearly emphasizing the right concepts
Also try to write a better summary of your position at the end of your first paragraph

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tesolchina
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板凳

发表于 2015-3-2 08:49:18 |只看该作者

ee_stone 发表于 2015-3-1 23:35
Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's field o ...

已点评~~

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地板

发表于 2015-3-2 22:42:10 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 tesolchina 于 2015-3-3 13:41 编辑

Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's field of study.

Write a response in which you discuss your views on the policy and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy and explain how these consequences shape your position.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To broaden the horizons of students and encourage the exchange of ideas, it is proposed in the claim that every student should be required to take a variety of courses outside his major field of study. However, the rigid requirement will have seriously negative impacts on students and there are a lot of alternative ways for students to acquire the knowledge outside their own fields.

negative impacts on students可否具体一点点
文章篇幅所限a lot of用a number of 更合适

Firstly, courses outside a student's field of study will definitely cost much time which could be spent on his major field, and ineluctably have negative impact on his study in his major field. For example, courses in math, physics, and engineering accumulate wisdom from many great people in the history, and students majoring in these subjects, already have so heavy burden to digest the concepts and skills that most of them need to study till mid-night to catch up the pace of professors. If they are assigned to take the courses of other fields, their limited time of entertainment and sleep will be occupied and no good will be done on their health.

accumulate wisdom from many great people in the history这个说法有点灌水的感觉

最后提到的后果- no good will be done on their health- 没有和大学教育结合起来
当然 health也是相关的但是这里讨论和大学教育有关的话题会不会更合适
You can argue that students' time will be taken away by the course requirement from the major courses

Scrutinizing the proposal more closely, besides the extra cost of bandwidth, students' performance in these required courses may introduce unnecessary pressure and limit their quality of learning. Generally, students taking courses outside their majors are relatively weak at the corresponding background knowledge, and may take longer to get on track. During that hard starting period, they probably will not get good grades. Naturally, they may get frustrated and doubt if they are really good at learning, which will impede the learning not only in his own major and the courses in other fields.

Scrutinizing the proposal more closely和句子的主语不匹配啊
You may want to mention the concepts such as "confidence", "attitudes" and "motivation" to clarify your arguments
It's good to introduce the concepts from issue 45- quality of learning/ test grades

Even if we find that the knowledge in other fields is really essential, like the psychology knowledge for physicians, math for economics, and history for literature, the knowledge is still accessible to students without being delivered in formal courses. Thanks to internet and smart devices, knowledge in almost all fields of study are easily stored and shared, and it's quite handy for students to do self learning. A student can watch documentary on history on his iPad, read the blogs of best psychologists and attend the online presentation of a famous mathematician. They don't need to worry about the grades and are free to focus on what they are really interested in and exchange ideas with people all over the world, which can have more positive impact on their study.

this paragraph is well written
it actually refers back to the issue of grades again which is good
But you need to bear in mind that formal teaching in a structured course is usually more efficient

In summary, the requirement for students to take courses outside their fields of study may impose pressure and squeeze time from students' tight schedule, and will further impede their study. As alternatives, students can access the essential knowledge from internet and digital medias, which may serve better to expand their knowledge base.

impose pressure (exert/put pressure to)
from internet and digital medias - digitally via the Internet

感觉楼主每段的中心已经很明确
也会去借鉴一些其他题目的思路和内容
接下来要做的就是内容细节上的打磨了

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5楼

发表于 2015-3-3 17:53:22 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 ee_stone 于 2015-3-3 23:30 编辑

第一版修改：

Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's field of study.

Write a response in which you discuss your views on the policy and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy and explain how these consequences shape your position.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To broaden the horizons of students and encourage the exchange of ideas, it is proposed in the claim that every student should be required to take a variety of courses outside his major field of study. However, the rigid requirement will challenge students' tight schedules and confidence. And alternatively, there are a number of other ways for students to acquire the knowledge outside their own fields.

Original Comments:
negative impacts on students可否具体一点点
文章篇幅所限a lot of用a number of 更合适

Firstly, courses outside a student's field of study will definitely cost much time which could be spent on his major field, and ineluctably have negative impact on his study in his major field. For example, courses in physics accumulate great ideas and incomprehensible concepts from Newton, Einstein and Shrodinger who were among the smartest persons on this planet. Students majoring in these subjects, already have so heavy burden to digest the concepts and skills that most of them need to study till mid-night to catch up the pace of professors. If they are assigned to take the courses of other fields, their limited bandwidth for the major courses will be distracted and it will be more difficult for them to perform well in their majors.

Original Comments:
accumulate wisdom from many great people in the history这个说法有点灌水的感觉
最后提到的后果- no good will be done on their health- 没有和大学教育结合起来
当然 health也是相关的但是这里讨论和大学教育有关的话题会不会更合适
You can argue that students' time will be taken away by the course requirement from the major courses

If we scrutinize the proposal more closely, besides the extra cost of bandwidth, we will find that students' performance in these required courses may introduce unnecessary pressure and limit their quality of learning. Generally, students taking courses outside their majors are relatively weak at the corresponding background knowledge, and may take longer to get on track. During that hard starting period, they probably will not get good grades. Naturally, they may get frustrated and doubt if they are really good at learning. Further loss of their motivation and positive attitudes on learning will impede the learning not only in his own major and the courses in other fields.

Scrutinizing the proposal more closely和句子的主语不匹配啊
You may want to mention the concepts such as "confidence", "attitudes" and "motivation" to clarify your arguments
It's good to introduce the concepts from issue 45- quality of learning/ test grades

Even if we find that the knowledge in other fields is really essential, like the psychology knowledge for physicians, math for economics, and history for literature, the knowledge is still accessible to students without being delivered in formal courses. Thanks to internet and smart devices, knowledge in almost all fields of study are easily stored and shared, and it's quite handy for students to do self learning. A student can watch documentary on history on his iPad, read the blogs of best psychologists and attend the online presentation of a famous mathematician. They don't need to worry about the grades and are free to focus on what they are really interested in and exchange ideas with people all over the world, which can have more positive impact on their study.

this paragraph is well written
it actually refers back to the issue of grades again which is good
But you need to bear in mind that formal teaching in a structured course is usually more efficient

In summary, the requirement for students to take courses outside their fields of study may put extra pressure and squeeze time from students' tight schedule, and will further impede their study. As alternatives, students can access the essential knowledge from internet and digital medias, which can serve better to expand their knowledge base.

impose pressure (exert/put pressure to)
from internet and digital medias - digitally via the Internet

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tesolchina
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6楼

发表于 2015-3-3 23:08:34 |只看该作者

ee_stone 发表于 2015-3-3 17:53
第一版修改：

Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the s ...

To broaden the horizons of students and encourage the exchange of ideas, it is proposed in the claim that every student should be required to take a variety of courses outside his major field of study. However, the rigid requirement will challenge students' tight schedules and confidence. And alternatively, there are a lot of other ways for students to acquire the knowledge outside their own fields.

challenge students' tight schedules这个搭配不对
will tighten students' schedule and harm their confidence in learning

文章篇幅所限a lot of用a number of 更合适
这个意见你不接受？

Firstly, courses outside a student's field of study will definitely cost much time which could be spent on his major field, and ineluctably have negative impact on his study in his major field. For example, courses in physics accumulate great ideas and incomprehensible concepts from Newton, Einstein and Shrodinger who were among the smartest persons on this planet. Students majoring in these subjects, already have so heavy burden to digest the concepts and skills that most of them need to study till mid-night to catch up the pace of professors. If they are assigned to take the courses of other fields, their limited bandwidth for the major courses will be distracted and it will be more difficult for them to perform well in their majors.

我今天改莲心的issue 45的时候体会到一个问题就是选一个好的理由非常重要所谓理直气壮啊理不直就气短？
你这里的理由就属于不太成立的就算加了具体例子还是不行啊

Original Comments:
accumulate wisdom from many great people in the history这个说法有点灌水的感觉
最后提到的后果- no good will be done on their health- 没有和大学教育结合起来
当然 health也是相关的但是这里讨论和大学教育有关的话题会不会更合适
You can argue that students' time will be taken away by the course requirement from the major courses
这一段其实可以引入机会成本的概念
然后强调专业课的重要性对于将来的career 然后举例子比如 statistics majors need to learn how to use different tools and models to become quantitative analysts in financial industry ...

If we scrutinize the proposal more closely, besides the extra cost of bandwidth, we will find that students' performance in these required courses may introduce unnecessary pressure and limit their quality of learning. Generally, students taking courses outside their majors are relatively weak at the corresponding background knowledge, and may take longer to get on track. During that hard starting period, they probably will not get good grades. Naturally, they may get frustrated and doubt if they are really good at learning. Further loss of their motivation and positive attitudes on learning will impede the learning not only in his own major and the courses in other fields.
这段挺好如果能有具体例子更好比如 literature major are forced to take a physics couse ...

Even if we find that the knowledge in other fields is really essential, like the psychology knowledge for physicians, math for economics, and history for literature, the knowledge is still accessible to students without being delivered in formal courses. Thanks to internet and smart devices, knowledge in almost all fields of study are easily stored and shared, and it's quite handy for students to do self learning. A student can watch documentary on history on his iPad, read the blogs of best psychologists and attend the online presentation of a famous mathematician. They don't need to worry about the grades and are free to focus on what they are really interested in and exchange ideas with people all over the world, which can have more positive impact on their study.

attend? watch?

In summary, the requirement for students to take courses outside their fields of study may put extra pressure and squeeze time from students' tight schedule, and will further impede their study. As alternatives, students can access the essential knowledge from internet and digital medias, which can serve better to expand their knowledge base.

行我觉得这个版本挺好可以考虑写其他的题目了
试着总结一下几次修改后的体会收获？

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7楼

发表于 2015-3-3 23:29:27 |只看该作者

tesolchina 发表于 2015-3-3 23:08
To broaden the horizons of students and encourage the exchange of ideas, it is proposed in the c ...

汗，改了第一个a lot of漏看了第二个。。。

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8楼

发表于 2015-3-4 23:21:25 |只看该作者

先回复自己的思路，看分析
（outline在附件中，请老师点评~）

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9楼

发表于 2015-3-6 15:51:45 |只看该作者

本帖最后由纪晓晴于 2015-3-6 17:05 编辑

Unlike other levels of education, students in university are specific in a certain field according to their own interest. However, someone claims that students should be required to take other courses outsides of their own field. From the perspective of well-rounded man, it is beneficial,because students under such requirement have access to more ideas and a larger social circle. However, from the perspective of cost, it may not deserve so much effort.

中间段：
1 Acquiring a variety of knowledge enable students to be versatile.可以促进学生全面发展，不同学科的交叉可以帮助学生掌握更多知识，数学课可以增加逻辑性，体育可以强身健体，历史可以提升修养，是一个学生应该具备的素质。

2 Taking a variety courses expose students to different backgrounds. All subjects have subtle connection with each other and applying knowledge from other field can provide insightful ideas.学习中获得其他方面的灵感，可以有助于自己领域内的研究。如公共选择理论就是经济学知识运用在政治学中，同样学经济的同学也需要物理和数学知识来作为补充。

3 However, the cost for both student and university should not be neglected. 对于学校来说，这样的决定是需要付出更多成本的，教师的费用教室等基础设施的费用；对于学生来说，买书的成本，以及学习的成本时间成本占用本专业复习时间的机会成本可能很高。

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