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[经典批改讨论] Issue185 【0706G-LOVEAW小组】第二次临时作业的重做|||| by iq28 [复制链接]

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楼主
发表于 2007-2-24 03:24:53 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览
先声明偶这篇是米有限时的|||
昨天开始停止写新的转而充电提高之后仔细看了几篇范文跟以前大家的点评后
决定先拿自己那篇最混乱的文章开刀|||
本来准备是修改的~后来居然发现乱得简直没法改...sigh
这篇不求观念跟语言如何,只是希望自己的论证能稍微不那么混乱一点~
为了显示出对比效果原来的习作链接也放在这儿鸟|||
谢谢啦^_^
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=611538&extra=page%3D1

TOPIC: ISSUE185 - "Scandals-whether in politics, academia, or other areas-can be useful. They focus our attention on problems in ways that no speaker or reformer ever could."
WORDS: 821          TIME: N/A         DATE: 2007-2-17

Scandals occur in nearly every field that human set foot in, both revealed and incubative. Once people recognize that the person they adored yesterday is actually a liar by the exposednesses of his scandal, the first reaction may be anger, sorrow and depression. However, if rational rethinking and remediation have been taken after the reports of scandals, actually greater progresses can always be achieved compared with the efforts made by the daily boring speeches made by speakers and reformers.

Scandals can clearly show us the hidden unreasonable and unjust regulations, therefore administers or the public can adjust or even correct those errors. After the Watergate Event, not only President Nixon lost his job, but further influence was conducted by the public and medium. They realized that the problem of the abuse of power which was neglected in the past. As a result, a closer scrutiny upon the high officials of government prevents them from abusing their power any longer. Recently, the filthy relationship between Juventus Club and several references was publicized by medium, which shocked the football circle by those large holes in the institutions of football league and thus forced the Italia Football Association to take actions towards Juventus, references and the ill institutions. While Juventus has been deprived the former championship, a series of more appropriate regulations have at last been added into the football systems. There is no denying that those scandals indeed prohibit the daily operations and developments of certain fields to some extent, but these deleterious effects can be temporary, if proper measures have been done immediately. In this case, scandals may become stimulations that can provoke the awareness of the emergency of the scandals, which is necessary for establishment of an ultimate solutions to the present problems.

                                                                                                                                                                                          

Furthermore, compared with the accomplishments endowed by the professional speakers and reformers, the progresses made by the aftereffects of scandals are often more significant and fast. A scandal maker usually has his position in high status, which grants him power great enough to make his underground and illegal behavior so harmful and astonishing that it can be called a scandal. Before their scandals have been known to the public, they are generally admired and trusted by their superiors and inferiors, as well as the medium and public. Therefore, it is difficult or even impossible for speakers and reformers to win the battle against those scandal makers and their inequitable laws or regulations without the support of anyone. No one believes or even pays attention on whatever the speakers and reformers assert, if the scandal makers are trying to cover up those events by their power and trust they gained at the same time. Consequently those errors remain forever. Once the secrets of the scandal makers give away, however, their aura fades, legends evaporate, so does the trust and power endued. Under such circumstances that all sides feel unsatisfied and disappointed, it is much easier for reformers to draw the focus on their ameliorative allegations towards the long existed problems, and thus, the improvements can be made. Perhaps it may be strange to accept the ironic conclusion that scandals do play a more vital role in healing the morbid system of a certain realm than those reformers do sometimes, but oftentimes it is scandal that helps the reformers a lot to strike their targets, which leads to a future primary achievements for society.

                                                                                                                                                                                            

Despite the forgoing contributions of scandals, they are not without its apparent problems. Hypersensitive worries may lead serious disorders or even disasters. A threshold trouble is about the excessive revealment of privacies of the officials, stars, or other persons who were doubted to have scandals. This was often done by some so-called responsible mediums in the name of observation the social problems. As a result, the bothered officials or the stars can hardly utilize their full abilities to fulfill their tasks or jobs. Just to meet the curiosity of the public so that they can bolster their sales and profits, these mediums' detective behaviors will inevitably bring about disorders to those who in charge in some areas. Secondly, overstatements of the grave effects of scandals may shadow the contributions of the scandal makers unfairly. Although Clinton was accused by his rose event, his dedication towards the resuscitation and prosperity of America's economy during his term of office cannot be denied. If his fault was overemphasized present, he may have to resign immediately, and his economic ability can no longer serve the society, which is an obvious loss of the society.

                                                                                                                                                                                            

To be just, I acknowledge that most people hate to witness scandals happening around them. What is more, recessions and the private violations always come along with scandals. Nevertheless, seeing from another angle, if the scandals are in fact ineluctable, it may be wiser to bravely face with the extant problems. We should find them out and then correct them rather than simply denying their existence.



[ 本帖最后由 iq28 于 2007-6-26 04:13 编辑 ]
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沙发
发表于 2007-2-24 03:27:52 |只看该作者
既然没有睡觉,我就先占了,看看你改后的大作是啥样:)

才发现好长好长呀!

[ 本帖最后由 aunknown 于 2007-2-24 03:31 编辑 ]

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板凳
发表于 2007-2-24 03:35:11 |只看该作者
我还有将近900字的bullshit呢...
现在看觉得都是混乱不堪的东西...
sigh下~

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地板
发表于 2007-2-24 04:29:44 |只看该作者
再改...怎么感觉再看又觉得问题不小了...

Scandals occur in nearly every field that human set foot in, both revealed and incubative. Once people recognize that the person they adored yesterday is actually a liar by the exposednesses of his scandal, the first reaction may be anger, sorrow and depression. However, if rational rethinking and remediation have been taken after the reports of scandals, actually greater progresses can always be achieved compared with the efforts made by the daily boring speeches made by speakers and reformers.

Scandals can clearly show us the hidden unreasonable and unjust regulations, therefore administers or the public can adjust or even correct those errors. After the Watergate Event, not only President Nixon lost his job, but further influence was conducted by the public and medium. They realized that the problem of the abuse of power which was neglected in the past. As a result, a closer scrutiny upon the high officials of government prevents them from abusing their power any longer. Recently, the filthy relationship between Juventus Club and several references was publicized by medium, which shocked the football circle by those large holes in the institutions of football league and thus forced the Italia Football Association to take actions towards Juventus, references and the ill institutions. While Juventus has been deprived the former championship, a series of more appropriate regulations have at last been added into the football systems. There is no denying that those scandals indeed prohibit the daily operations and developments of certain fields to some extent, but these deleterious effects can be temporary, if proper measures have been done immediately. In this case, scandals may become stimulations that can provoke the awareness of the emergency of the scandals, which is necessary for establishment of an ultimate solutions to the present problems.

                                                                                                                                                                                          

Furthermore, compared with the accomplishments endowed by the professional speakers and reformers, the progresses made by the aftereffects of scandals are often more significant and fast. A scandal maker usually has his position in high status, which grants him power great enough to make his underground and illegal behavior so harmful and astonishing that it can be called a scandal. Before their scandals have been known to the public, they are generally admired and trusted by their superiors and inferiors, as well as the medium and public. Therefore, it is difficult or even impossible for speakers and reformers to win the battle against those scandal makers and their inequitable laws or regulations without the support of anyone. No one believes or even pays attention on whatever the speakers and reformers assert, if the scandal makers are trying to cover up those events by their power and trust they gained at the same time. Consequently those errors remain forever. Once the secrets of the scandal makers give away, however, their aura fades, legends evaporate, so does the trust and power endued. Under such circumstances that all sides feel unsatisfied and disappointed, it is much easier for reformers to draw the focus on their ameliorative allegations towards the long existed problems, and thus, the improvements can be made. Perhaps it may be strange to accept the ironic conclusion that scandals do play a more vital role in healing the morbid system of a certain realm than those reformers do sometimes, but oftentimes it is scandal that helps the reformers a lot to strike their targets, which leads to a future primary achievements for society.

                                                                                                                                                                                            

Despite the forgoing contributions of scandals, they are not without its apparent problems. Hypersensitive worries may lead serious disorders or even disasters. A threshold trouble is about the excessive revealment of privacies of the officials, stars, or other persons who were doubted to have scandals. This was often done by some so-called responsible mediums in the name of observation the social problems. As a result, the bothered officials or the stars can hardly utilize their full abilities to fulfill their tasks or jobs. Just to meet the curiosity of the public so that they can bolster their sales and profits, these mediums' detective behaviors will inevitably bring about disorders to those who in charge in some areas. Secondly, overstatements of the grave effects of scandals may shadow the contributions of the scandal makers unfairly. Although Clinton was accused by his rose event, his dedication towards the resuscitation and prosperity of America's economy during his term of office cannot be denied. If his fault was overemphasized present, he may have to resign immediately, and his economic ability can no longer serve the society, which is an obvious loss of the society.

                                                                                                                                                                                            

To be just, I acknowledge that most people hate to witness scandals happening around them. What is more, recessions and the private violations always come along with scandals. Nevertheless, seeing from another angle, if the scandals are in fact ineluctable, it may be wiser to bravely face with the extant problems. We should find them out and then correct them rather than simply denying their existence.



[ 本帖最后由 iq28 于 2007-2-24 04:46 编辑 ]

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5
发表于 2007-2-24 04:47:04 |只看该作者
暂时满意了 睡觉

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发表于 2007-2-24 11:13:44 |只看该作者

回复 #5 iq28 的帖子

实在是太佩服你追求完美了, 05:00 震憾, :funk: 我还没看完你上篇,居然你又给xg,:funk: 占坐,晚上发上来

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发表于 2007-2-24 11:18:23 |只看该作者
没那么恐怖的说...
料到今天中午非得出去赴约...
精神很好地去不是亏了么...
所以就少睡一下晕晕乎乎地去^_^:funk: :funk: :funk:

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发表于 2007-2-24 16:09:45 |只看该作者
.....
我水一贴...
IQ同学....
佩服/.....
:funk: :funk: :funk:
         静静的生活...

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9
发表于 2007-2-24 19:13:02 |只看该作者
我可是来找错的,希望你能达到完美

Scandals occur in nearly every field that human set foot in, both revealed and incubative. Once people recognize that the person they adored yesterday is actually a liar by the exposednesses of his scandal, the first reaction may be anger, sorrow and depression. However, if rational rationallyrethinking and remediation have been taken after the reports of scandals, actually 重复virtually , 并且你上面已经有一个actually, 我觉得这里删去这个词也完全可以greater progresses can always be achieved compared with the efforts made by the daily boring speeches made by speakers and reformers.
第一段写的很好,题目的前后两句话,都得到了回应,清晰,明确!但是你记不记的你给我看的那篇文章,你这一端里出现了四次be 动词,是不是有点太多了,感觉真是在鸡蛋里挑刺呀!

Scandals can clearly show us the hidden unreasonable and unjust regulations, therefore administers or the public can adjust or even correct those errors.主题句,漂亮 After the Watergate Event, not only President Nixon lost his job, but further influence was conducted by the public and medium. They realized that the problem of the abuse of power which was neglected in the past. As a result, a closer scrutiny upon the high officials of government prevents them from abusing their power any longer. 上面的例子展开的粉好,没的挑呀!比以前写的进步大多了 Recently, the filthy relationship between Juventus Club and several references was publicized by medium, which shocked the football circle by those large holes in the institutions of football league and thus forced the Italia Football Association to take actions towards Juventus, references and the ill institutions.水一下,难道你也是意甲球迷,呵呵不过我觉得这个例子陈述的太长了,可以精简一下,还是重点放后面的分析 While Juventus has been deprived the former championship, a series of more appropriate regulations have at last been added into the football systems. There is no denying that those scandals indeed prohibit the daily operations and developments of certain fields to some extent, but these deleterious effects can be temporary, if proper measures have been done 我觉得用现在时就可以了吧 immediately. In this case, scandals may become stimulations 感觉应用stimulus that can provoke the awareness of the emergency of the scandals, which is necessary for establishment of an ultimate solutions to the present problems.
这段论证的很完美,主题+ 例子和分析+总体性的分析+小结,very good!, 提个建议,如果你有时间的话,两个例子当然很好,不过我觉得一个的话已足够,并且你还可以在总体性的分析上多说两句可能更能增加你的论证力度
                                                                                                                                                                                          
Furthermore, compared with the accomplishments endowed by the professional speakers and reformers, the progresses made by the aftereffects of scandals 进步是人和社会取的得,不能说是丑闻的效应取得的吧are often more significant and fast. A scandal maker usually has his position in high status 和position 重复吧, which grants him power great enough to make his underground and illegal behavior so harmful and astonishing that it can be called a scandal.这个句子成分太复杂,觉得有点问题 Before their scandals have been known to the public, they are generally admired and trusted by their superiors and inferiors, as well as the medium and public. Therefore, it is difficult or even impossible for speakers and reformers to win the battle against those scandal makers and their inequitable laws or regulations without the support of anyone. No one believes or even pays attention on whatever the speakers and reformers assert, if the scandal makers are trying to cover up those events by their power and trust they gained at the same time. 首先你这里说的太绝对,我觉得不好,另外,在这里你是假设,改革家提出的问题都是针对丑闻的,不一定吧, Consequently those errors remain forever. Once the secrets of the scandal makers give away, however, their aura aurae fades, legends evaporate, nice so does the trust and power endued. Under such circumstances that all sides feel unsatisfied and disappointed, it is much easier for reformers to draw the focus on their ameliorative allegations towards the long existed problems, and thus, the improvements can be made. Perhaps it may be strange to accept the ironic conclusion that scandals do play a more vital role in healing the morbid system of a certain realm than those reformers do sometimes, but oftentimes it is scandal that helps the reformers a lot to strike their targets, which leads to a future primary achievements for society.
这段论证作的非常的深入,可以说差不多到及至了,跟你以前的文章确实差别很大,但是我有一个非常大的疑问,丑闻是怎么被揭发的?media and individual 都可能是促使scandal被揭发的对象,因此使的更多的人知道,那么演讲者和改革家就不能揭发吗?觉得你可能忽视了这样一个问题,这样你的整个论断的根基就存在问题
另外,这个一修的最后一句说的是 丑闻更能吸引公众的注意, 我的理解是因为丑闻更富有刺激性相比改革家和演说家的高谈阔论,但那并不是说改革家不能揭发sandal, 这一点我觉得理解好象有点偏差
                                                                                                                                                                                            
Despite the forgoing contributions of scandals, they are not without its apparent problems. Hypersensitive 这个词好象形容焦虑不太合适 worries may lead serious disorders or even disasters. A threshold trouble is about the excessive revealment of privacies of the officials, stars, or other persons who were doubted to have scandals. This was often done by some so-called responsible mediums in the name of observation the social problems. As a result, the bothered officials or the stars can hardly utilize their full abilities to fulfill their tasks or jobs. Just to meet the curiosity of the public so that they can bolster their sales and profits, these mediums' media’ detective behaviors will inevitably bring about disorders to those who in charge in some areas. Secondly, overstatements of the grave effects of scandals may shadow the contributions of the scandal makers unfairly. Although Clinton was accused by his rose event, his dedication towards the resuscitation and prosperity of America's economy during his term of office cannot be denied. If his fault was overemphasized present, ?笔误吧 he may have to resign immediately, and his economic ability can no longer serve the society, which is an obvious loss of the society.后面在来个小结就完美了
good!
                                                                                                                                                                                            
To be just, 第一次见这种说法,呵呵I acknowledge that most people hate to witness scandals happening around them. What is more,  我觉得这两句子应该连再一起,and that recessions and the private violations always come along with scandals. Nevertheless, seeing from another angle, if the scandals are in fact ineluctable, it may be wiser to bravely face with the extant problems. We should find them out and then correct them rather than simply denying their existence. 最后一段没有复述观点而是做了一个建议,一个升华,和开头的写法好象很象,挺不错的

总于改完了,浩大的工程呀!

总结:这篇issue写的非常不错,遣词造句非常漂亮,你的词汇量真是大呀,17天真是没白熬,哎!不夸你了!否则没信心在写文章了!
然而,(重点呦)body2的论调上,我觉得问题还是很大的,(也许是我理解的有问题,汗!都有点不敢说了)你看完给我个回复。


[ 本帖最后由 aunknown 于 2007-2-24 19:26 编辑 ]

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发表于 2007-2-24 19:31:12 |只看该作者

回复 #9 aunknown 的帖子

谢谢!
粗略看了一遍
觉得你对第二段的看法是正确的
我今天白天想到的时候也觉得第二段有问题
我会改掉的
不过我现在在整理词汇
然后还有句型|||
晚上会再改这篇文章的
还有你的issue185
如果有空再把那篇arguement写一遍呵呵
谢谢了

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发表于 2007-2-24 20:03:23 |只看该作者
完了 刚才又看了一遍这个文章
又觉得问题很多了...

看看以后自己是不是每天都把这个文章改一次...

[ 本帖最后由 iq28 于 2007-2-24 20:18 编辑 ]

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发表于 2007-2-26 20:06:12 |只看该作者
原帖由 iq28 于 2007-2-24 20:03 发表
完了 刚才又看了一遍这个文章
又觉得问题很多了...

看看以后自己是不是每天都把这个文章改一次...



赶快把文章改出来,等偶回来看;d:

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发表于 2007-2-27 01:42:43 |只看该作者

我看完了。。。。。。。。。。

本来是挑错。。

结果弄出来一堆蓝色。。。

没有啥红色。。。。

。。。

不过还是第二段,说法有点诡异。但是我也提不出什么建议写。总觉得论证不清楚。

如果是我现在写的话我想去揭示一个现象就是为什么人们会这么关注丑闻,但是怎么也想不出来好的方法展开写。不过说演说家和革命者容易高谈阔论倒是可以,但是也不是很容易深入

因为我觉得这篇文章仍然是写反对观点比较容易。。。。说丑闻好。。。实在不容易。但是如果说革命家和演说家相对于丑闻的优点却是一大堆。。。。

而且更广泛一点看,革命家和演说家对社会的进步是起了一个非常大的推动作用,不能说丑闻推翻一个统治。而且就像你说的,丑闻可以作为革命家和演说家的一个手段去攻击对手。革命家和演说家可以利用丑闻。。。

肯定是革命家和演说家对社会贡献大。。。

sigh

我坚定了我这篇文章写反对观点的决定



[ 本帖最后由 welcomebs 于 2007-2-27 01:51 编辑 ]
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RE: Issue185 【0706G-LOVEAW小组】第二次临时作业的重做|||| by iq28 [修改]
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