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alex8937
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2009-8-7 23:31:42 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由 alex8937 于 2009-8-8 00:31 编辑

TOPIC: ARGUMENT45 - The following appeared as an editorial in a wildlife journal.

"Arctic deer live on islands in Canada's arctic region. They search for food by moving over ice from island to island during the course of a year. Their habitat is limited to areas warm enough to sustain the plants on which they feed, and cold enough, at least some of the year, for the ice to cover the sea separating the islands, allowing the deer to travel over it. Unfortunately, according to reports from local hunters, the deer populations are declining. Since these reports coincide with recent global warming trends that have caused the sea ice to melt, we can conclude that the decline in arctic deer populations is the result of deer being unable to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea."
WORDS: 498 TIME: --:--:-- :dizzy: DATE: 2009/8/7 23:13:05

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青柠小可	+ 1	我第一次给人家改作，是个纪念哦~~

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alex8937
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沙发

发表于 2009-8-7 23:37:47 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 alex8937 于 2009-8-8 18:03 编辑

The argument in the journal starts by stating a natural phenomenon that the Arctic deer lived in Canada search for foods by moving of the ice islands. By giving an account to the reports from the local hunters that the number of the deer is likely to be decreasing and the relevant correlation with the global warming, the deduction of the reason for the decline in arctic deer populations seems logically persuasive and convincingly warranted.

However, careful scrutiny of this evidence reveals that it accomplishes little toward the editorial's assertion. In the first place, it is too willy-nilly for the author to assume that the survey results accurately reflect the present situation of artic deer, by overlooking the potential possibility that the result concluded by the hunter's report is skeptic at all. As common sense informs me that a fewer figure causes a higher price, it is most likely that the local hunters, who are making their own lives on the sales of deer skin, would like to tell lies in their report. Without evidence that what hunters said could be representative of the current deer population, the excerpt can hardly assure me that his estimation is not red herring.

Even if one accepts the survey result, the argument remains questionable. The assumption to begin with is that it is the recent warming trends that contribute to the decline in deer populations. Unfortunately, this might not be the case, for a variety of possible reasons. The only reason for this causal relation is that both of them have occurred during the same part of time. As a matter of fact, there is likelihood that it is the excessive and indiscriminate hunting that leads to the declining population. By the same token, there is possibility that it is a spread of infectious disease that brings about the result as well. Without taking such alternative possibility into account, the author cannot justifiably assure me that a directly correlation between the two facts necessarily proves that the former causes the latter.

Aggravating to is, the argument's author fails to furnish any proof to his speculation that the trends of global warming is so serious that have already influenced the deer's daily life in migration. The odds are that, even granted that the increasing temperature does take its effect, it might not be high enough to influence the action of migrating across the frozen sea for food. If so, the editorial might have aggrandized the temperature impact on the fleet of artic deer.

As discussed above, unless the arguer can additionally come up with substantial and concrete evidence, the result if the deduction that the deer's decreasing populations are mainly due to the weather with increasing temperature is groundless and open to doubt. So it is worth cautious consideration to explain such phenomena. Not only should cogent and valid information be provided to further bolster the study result, but it also requires a thorough confidence that evaluate the conclusion more efficiently to justify the claim groundlessly.

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alex8937
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板凳

发表于 2009-8-7 23:46:14 |只看该作者

:L 找不到上传附件在那里

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alex8937
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地板

发表于 2009-8-8 00:34:24 |只看该作者

大家给点面子拍一拍嘛~~:L

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alex8937
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5楼

发表于 2009-8-8 14:09:41 |只看该作者

呜呜呜。。。没人回

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青柠小可
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6楼

发表于 2009-8-8 16:09:13 |只看该作者

本帖最后由青柠小可于 2009-8-8 16:21 编辑

5# alex8937
我来回楼主这篇A
The argument in the journal starts by stating a natural phenomenon that the Arctic deer lived in Canada search for foods(食物food) by moving of the ice islands（by traveling over the ice which covers the separated islands）. By giving(according to) an account to the reports from the local hunters that the number of the deer is likely to be decreasing and the relevant correlation with the global warming, the deduction of the reason for the declining in arctic deer populations seems logically persuasive and convincingly warranted.

However, careful scrutiny of this evidence reveals that it accomplishes little toward the editorial's（？） assertion. In the first place, it is too willy-nilly for the author to assume that the survey results accurately reflect the present situation of artic deer, by overlooking the potential possibility that the result concluded by the hunter's report is skeptic at all（楼主的貌似插入语的句子总放在后面，这个句子读起来有点怪，看不出成分了，觉得有点问题，但说不出，对不住了，这句楼主自己推敲）. As common sense informs me that a fewer figure（是想写‘皮毛’么？） causes a higher price, it is most likely that the local hunters, who are making their own lives on the sales of deer skin（coat）, would like to tell lies in their report. Without evidence that what hunters said could be representative of the current deer population, the excerpt can hardly assure me that his estimation is not red herring.

Even if one accepts the survey result, the argument remains questionable. The assumption to begin with is that it is the recent warming trends that contributes（用leads是不是好点） to the decline in(number decreasing of the deer也许可以改成这样population是用来形容人的). Unfortunately, this, for a variety of possible reasons（这句放到前面做插入语），might not be the case（truth好点吧）. The only reason for this causal relation（common ground of the two sides） is that both of them have occurred during the same part of time. As a matter of fact, there is likelihood that it is the excessive and indiscriminate hunting that leads to the declining population. By the same token(没太理解), there is possibility（最好不用there be） that it is a spread of infectious disease that brings about the result as well. Without taking such alternative possibility into account, the author cannot justifiably assure me that a directly correlation between the two facts necessarily proves that the former causes the latter.

Aggravating to is（也没见过这个用法，是什么意思？）, the argument's author fails to furnish any proof to his speculation that the trends of global warming is so serious that have already influenced the deer's daily life in migration. The odds are that, even granted that the increasing temperature does take its effect, it might not be high enough to influence the action of migrating across the frozen sea for food. If so, the editorial might have aggrandized the temperature impact on the fleet of artic deer.

As discussed above, unless the arguer can additionally come up with substantial and concrete evidence, the result if the deduction that the deer's decreasing populations are mainly due to the weather with increasing temperature is groundless and open to doubt. So it is worth cautious consideration to explain such phenomena. Not only should cogent and valid information be provided to further bolster the study result, but it also requires a thorough confidence that evaluate the conclusion more efficiency to justify the claim groundlessly.
楼主的思路挺清晰了，我是新手，没什么经验，改作水平也不佳，对于逻辑上和思路上也没什么见地，建议楼主把自己写作的大纲列上来，楼主这篇文章有好多我不认识的词（查了好久字典，呵呵），还有很多我没见过的用法，不敢多做评论了~~毕竟我是菜鸟嘛~~若改错了希望楼主能告诉我，这是我第一次给人家改习作呢！说错了还请楼主多多原谅哦~~
另外这是我第一篇ARGUMENT链接，希望楼主有时间的话也帮我改改，大家共同进步！
https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/thread-993711-1-1.html

长风清冽，神往云之彼端

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青柠小可
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7楼

发表于 2009-8-8 16:16:17 |只看该作者

本帖最后由青柠小可于 2009-8-8 16:22 编辑

楼主要记得回拍哦~~(*^__^*) https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/thread-993711-1-1.html
哦对了，你的文章括号里是我改过的，颜色变不了了，将就看吧~

长风清冽，神往云之彼端

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alex8937
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8楼

发表于 2009-8-8 16:28:00 |只看该作者

谢谢修改
是有不少问题
editorial是社论的意思因为题目中说“The following appeared as an editorial in a wildlife journal.”
figure这个是有问题改成quantity比较好
用population是因为题目中用这样一句话“the deer populations are declining”
By the same token=Similarly
还有这个打错了应该是Aggravating to it，是In addition的意思

Anyway，真是谢谢你的帮助，咱们一起努力一起进步吧~~

6# 青柠小可

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alex8937
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9楼

发表于 2009-8-8 16:41:22 |只看该作者

还有不明白的是末端首句 As discussed above 有什么问题么？ 7# 青柠小可

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青柠小可
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10楼

发表于 2009-8-8 16:47:39 |只看该作者

本帖最后由青柠小可于 2009-8-8 16:54 编辑

7# 青柠小可
哦，那个没有问题，O(∩_∩)O~来回改弄乱了，我操作的还不太熟，见谅~
population那个我看了一下题目，editorial我以为只能做形容词呢怪我粗心了~真是这样~

长风清冽，神往云之彼端

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wisle
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11楼

发表于 2009-8-8 17:34:16 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 wisle 于 2009-8-8 17:35 编辑

先谢过你对我A10的评价！

The argument in the journalstarts by
（与ETS的6分范文里面的某篇开头有些类似，他是begins with吧，不错！）stating a natural phenomenon that the Arctic deer lived inCanada search for foods by moving of the ice islands. By giving an account tothe reports from the local hunters that the number of the deer is likely to bedecreasing and the relevant correlation with the global warming, the deductionof the reason for the decline in arctic deer populations seems logicallypersuasive and convincingly warranted.

However, careful scrutiny of this evidence revealsthat it（应该是此处要攻击的点，应该写明） accomplishes little toward theeditorial's assertion. In the first place, it is too willy-nilly（用词不妥） for the author toassume that the survey results accurately reflect the present situation ofartic deer, by overlooking the potential possibility that the result concludedby the hunter's report is skeptic at all. As common sense informs me that afewer figure causes a higher price, it is most likely that the local hunters,who are making their own lives on the sales of deer skin, would like to telllies in their report. Without evidence that what hunters said could berepresentative of the current deer population, the excerpt can hardly assure methat his estimation is not red herring.（攻击报告真实性内容的段落不应该至于首段，这不是主要错误）

Even if one accepts the survey result, the argumentremains questionable. The assumption to begin with is that it is the recentwarming trends that contribute to the decline in deer populations.Unfortunately, this might not be the case, for a variety of possible reasons.The only reason for this causal relation is that both of them have occurredduring the same part of time. As a matter of fact, there is likelihood that itis the excessive and indiscriminate hunting that leads to the decliningpopulation. By the same token,（误用） there is possibility that it isa spread of infectious disease that brings about the result as well. Withouttaking such alternative possibility into account, the author cannot justifiablyassure me that a directly correlation between the two facts necessarily provesthat the former causes the latter.

Aggravating to is（什么意思不懂）, the argument's author fails to furnish any proof to hisspeculation that the trends of global warming is so serious that have alreadyinfluenced the deer's daily life in migration. The odds are that, even grantedthat the increasing temperature does take its effect, it might not be highenough to influence the action of migrating across the frozen sea for food. Ifso, the editorial might have aggrandized the temperature impact on the fleet ofartic deer.

As discussed above, unless the arguer canadditionally come up with substantial and concrete evidence, the result if thededuction that the deer's decreasing populations are mainly due to the weatherwith increasing temperature is groundless and open to doubt. So it is worthcautious consideration to explain such phenomena. Not only should cogent andvalid information be provided to further bolster the study result, but it alsorequires a thorough confidence that evaluate the conclusion more efficiency tojustify the claim groundlessly.

不知道作者是不是刚刚开始写作，对A的攻击顺序的意识的顺序有待提高
文章强调用些看似新颖的词汇，我不知道是不是我不是Native Speaker所以看不大懂，但有些看似有点意思的结构存在误用。
但这种求新求变的态度是好的，加油呀！
个人意见，仅供参考！

静心养气

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alex8937
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12楼

发表于 2009-8-8 18:17:42 |只看该作者

先谢谢大侠的评价
求教一下 Willy-nilly 和 by the same token为什么不妥
那一些是从GRE阅读中借鉴来的
那个Aggravating to is打错了应该是Aggravating to it
还有是关于攻击顺序的问题我看到有些文章说首先攻击前提到结论的reasoning,，说这是核心是主要矛盾，然后再是驳支持前提的论据。而另一种说法是先攻击论据，比如说调查，类比啊，然后再假设这个成立，证明也推不出结论。到底应该采取哪一种写法更好？
我是新手所以没什么经验希望指点一下

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