c got flu. is getting better today. he ve been sleeping for three days straight. i made up to accompany him for dinner to cheer him up. he is neither the most successful one nor the best looking one. but he is the only one who makes me feel being loved and cared. if i wanna run away, he said then run away to him. he said after 4 months, he still felt butterfly flying in his heart while looking at me. in my heart, i really feel he is my 2nd boyfriend. the 1st time i am truly loved by someone. i didnt think i was capable of loving anyone until meeting him. No matter how we end up with each other, he is the one i will appreciate forever.
when i wanna explore this amazing world, the shortcut is know it via others. then i was so intrigued by the people from different of walks of life with diverse cultural backgrounds who brought the world to me. someone taught me what true freedom is or what true "crazy busy" or what is real humor and real charm... with C, i have to say no to all these seductions. life is like this, the most important thing is to clearly know you cant have it all. not all the curtains are so opaque. but as longas you know this principle, you face with choices all the time. i am glad to say that i hv already passed the stage when i have to know about the world via different people i know. i wanna be that kinda person. i told chris, the only way i could get rid of the addiction to such people is to become this kinda person by myself. i still remembered his look. he paused for a long time and said :"this is very frank, i dont know what to say. cuz i think you are right. i hope one day you could be more comfortable with yourself." i wish i could become the one who bring the world to others.
c跟我说过他的事情之后,一夜之间就放下的过去,这个放下我用了两年。恨嘛,其实一年就过去了,但是一直完全没办法回到正常的生活轨道。幸得不管我怎么twisted, c never gave up on me. 尽管一切都过去了,我都放下了,我也知道当时F对我做的事情也是因为他太年轻。但是我, 就是objectively觉得,如果苍天有眼,F他剩下的一辈子都要来还他欠的债, 如果苍天有眼,F剩下的一辈子绝对绝对不可能过的好。 也许上辈子我做了伤天害理的事这辈子来还他,但是我相信我所还给他的已经远远超过他应该承受的。
我觉得c不太了解自己,也许是因为比我小的原因。我都觉得遇见c也是一个转折点。如果不是c介入我的生活,我要彻底放下过去搞不好还要两三年的时间。过去的一年半,我是真的没放下。没放下的表现就是需要attention, 内心很难平静,有很多与过去的创伤有关的戾气。大叔们经常分析到的, i am not very comfortable with myself. 这是自信和自我认知断裂的结果。毁掉一个人的自信和自我认知不知不觉,七八年就毁掉了。要多久要经历多少眼泪要走的多块才能重建呢?