giser的作文贴

giserUID：2844945

一楼给寄托家园!

lastgirlUID：2857776

Businessmen are only motivated by desire of money

Economic recession has been through out the world, and there is no doubt that businessmen are now on the news.(第一句话感觉无关主题)When it comes to the question concerning whether people occupying business industry are out to（out to 试图？）
gain the wealth benefits, people’s perspectives diverge considerably from person to person. From my part, I am inclined to the opinion of view that money is not the only consideration（最好用题意，motivation， propulsion， momentum） for businessmen

First and foremost, the origin goal of people in business world is to foster the whole family. It is not hard to imagine that if a person have sufficient physical materials to supply a family, how would he sacrifice himself to get up early in the morning and come back late at night, or even have no weekends when other families were enjoying delicious diners together. They have to work hard but the feedback may not be as much as expected and sometimes they are at risk to lose all their money invested in their career. Not for their families, how many people are willing to face such challenges? The potential economic gain is an uncertain income. Furthermore, for a person without any eminent business skill, they may not even feed on himself, not to mention his family. Therefore, if they can foster their families, I maintain that they would not step in business world.个人感觉此部分有些偏题，不如换做一句结论
In addition, most people are just out of （仅仅出于）interests and a sense of achievement. In fact, most successful business people are the offspring of billionaires or millionaires. There is no need for them to get a job. They can allocate this precious time on vocation or relatives, but they choose to do business. It is interest, directly or indirectly, that make them to make this choice. Here comes a typical example of Bill Gates who is a prominent student in Harvard. As a to-be Harvard graduate, the job is definitely not his consideration in his life, for he can get a decent position after his graduation（感觉例子不恰当，建议去维基一下bill gate）. But he dropped out from university when he was just a sophomore. After his success in Microsoft, he devoted his wealth to the institute which support the medical and educational issues in undeveloped and developed countries.（反而感觉这句例子可以说明问题，建议说明完例子后来个适当点题）
Admittedly, there absolutely exist several people just for the motivation of money. They care little about the health of their staffs, the deterioration of the environment and their responsibilities to service the society. Nevertheless, the number of these people can be counted by fingers. Thus, I cling to the belief that not all businessmen are only motivated by desire of money.
红色：修改意见
粉色：个人觉得出彩的地方。

梦的弃儿UID：2840846

Economic recession has been through out the world, and there is no doubt that businessmen are now on the news. When it comes to the question concerning whether people occupying business industry are out to gain the wealth benefits, people’s perspectives diverge considerably from person to person. From my part, I am inclined to the opinion of view that money is not the only consideration for businessmen.（喜欢你的用词和开头。我就不会用）

First and foremost, the origin goal of people in business world is to foster the whole family. It is not hard to imagine that if a person have sufficient physical materials to supply a family, how would he sacrifice himself to get up early in the morning and come back late at night, or even have no weekends when other families were enjoying delicious diners together. They have to work hard but the feedback may not be as much as expected and sometimes they are at risk to lose all their money invested in their career. Not for their families, how many people are willing to face such challenges? The potential economic gain is an uncertain income. Furthermore, for a person without any eminent business skill, they may not even feed on himself, not to mention his family. Therefore, if they can foster their families, I maintain that they would not step in business world.（完全不知道你要表达什么，如果他们能养活家庭，就不进商业界了么？那为什么我还是想学商= =所以你想说动力是家庭？）

In addition, most people are just out of interests and a sense of achievement. In fact, most successful business people are the offspring of billionaires or millionaires. There is no need for them to get a job. They can allocate this precious time on vocation or relatives, but they choose to do business. It is interest, directly or indirectly, that make them to make this choice. Here comes a typical example of Bill Gates who is a prominent student in Harvard. As a to-be Harvard graduate, the job is definitely not his consideration in his life, for he can get a decent position after his graduation. But he dropped out from university when he was just a sophomore. After his success in Microsoft, he devoted his wealth to the institute which support（s） the medical and educational issues in undeveloped and developed countries.（你先说成功的商业家是富二代，然后举比尔盖茨这样白手起家的，你不搬石头砸自己脚么……）

Admittedly, there absolutely exist several people just for the motivation of money. They care little about the health of their staffs, the deterioration of the environment and their responsibilities to service the society. Nevertheless, the number of these people can be counted by fingers. Thus, I cling to the belief that not all businessmen are only motivated by desire of money.

我很喜欢你的用词。但个人认为你会说套话，但说不出什么特别能支持你观点的东西。
我觉得读的不顺，但个人水平不够，也只能改这么多了。
呵呵，我们一起加油！

giserUID：2844945

Businessmen are only motivated by desire of money

Economic recession has been through out the world, and there is no doubt that businessmen are now on the news. When it comes to the question concerning whether people occupying business industry are out to gain the wealth benefits, people’s perspectives diverge considerably from person to person. From my part, I am inclined to the opinion of view that money is not the only consideration for businessmen.

First and foremost, the origin goal of people in business world is to foster the whole family. It is not hard to imagine that if a person have sufficient physical materials to supply a family, how would he sacrifice himself to get up early in the morning and come back late at night, or even have no weekends when other families were enjoying delicious diners together. They have to work hard but the feedback may not be as much as expected and sometimes they are at risk to lose all their money invested in their career. Not for their families, how many people are willing to face such challenges? The potential economic gain is an uncertain income. Furthermore, for a person without any eminent business skill, they may not even feed on himself, not to mention his family. Therefore, if they can foster their families, I maintain that they would not step in business world.

In addition, most people are just out of interests and a sense of achievement. In fact, most successful business people are the offspring of billionaires or millionaires. There is no need for them to get a job. They can allocate this precious time on vocation or relatives, but they choose to do business. It is interest, directly or indirectly, that make them to make this choice. Here comes a typical example of Bill Gates who is a prominent student in Harvard. As a to-be Harvard graduate, the job is definitely not his consideration in his life, for he can get a decent position after his graduation. But he dropped out from university when he was just a sophomore. After his success in Microsoft, he devoted his wealth to the institute which support the medical and educational issues in undeveloped and developed countries.

Admittedly, there absolutely exist several people just for the motivation of money. They care little about the health of their staffs, the deterioration of the environment and their responsibilities to service the society. Nevertheless, the number of these people can be counted by fingers. Thus, I cling to the belief that not all businessmen are only motivated by desire of money.

peggy890UID：2812709

All students should be required to take basic science classes even if they are not this major.

It has always been（这个句子不如there is句型来得顺一些，看着有点怪） a heated debate concerning whether registering for more basic science classes in universities is better or not. However, till now, people can not even come to a consensus in that（whether吧，两者比较） the weight on either side of this question equals to its corresponding part. As for me, I am inclined to the opinion that students should accumulate extensive knowledge.

First and foremost, more basic science classes benefit further study in the future. It is not exaggerated to say that most celebrated scientists have mastered a broad range of knowledge, including both their own study fields and other scientific areas. Just as we can see from Newton, not only was he a tycoon in physical world, but also he possessed remarkable talents in mathematic kingdom.（不错的句子~）
Being a student majoring in mixture subject, I have a better understanding that interdisciplinary is prevalent and those students equipped with multi-subjects are favored considerably by professors. Furthermore, the creative thoughts in other science classes, directly or indirectly, may inspire or enlighten us to crack difficulties when we encounter puzzles in our major.

On top of that, more basic science classes may even lead us to a bright future. It is universally acknowledged that the competition in the job markets is becoming increasingly fierce. If we acquire a variety of skills, including not only what the enterprisers’ specified major, but also some other spark points, it is more likely for us to be employed. Actually, according to the words of my friends who have already found jobs, the administrators in their companies are always captured by those who are versatile. In addition, a person attending more science classes has more common things to talk with people in other departments of the same company. It is not a bad impetus to establish a harmonious relationship among staffs, especially for those fresh workers.（论述展开地不错）

Admittedly, I don’t deny the importance of major classes which also play a crucial role in further study and in future. But compared with fundamental science classes, it seems less dominant. Moreover, the higher a building is, the more solid and deeper its foundation is and the same theory works in major. Therefore, I cling to the belief that all students should take basic science classes.最后这一段如果时间允许，建议可以从反面再来论证一下，把最后一句演化为全文总结的结尾段

感觉楼主的文章逻辑很清晰、论述也很到位，建议在一些细节还有最后的段落上再修改一下更好~加油哦

darkathrunUID：2813505

发帖晚了，不好意思，现在补上。如果有哪里改得不好，还希望见谅。

giserUID：2844945

All students should be required to take basic science classes even if they are not this major.

It has always been a heated debate concerning whether registering for more basic science classes in universities is better or not. However, till now, people can not even come to a consensus in that the weight on either side of this question equals to its corresponding part. As for me, I am inclined to the opinion that students should accumulate extensive knowledge.

First and foremost, more basic science classes benefit further study in the future. It is not exaggerated to say that most celebrated scientists have mastered a broad range of knowledge, including both their own study fields and other scientific areas. Just as we can see from Newton, not only was he a tycoon in physical world, he but also possessed remarkable talents in mathematic kingdom. Being a student majoring in mixture subject, I have a better understanding that interdiscipline is prevalent and those students equipped with multi-subjects are favored considerably by professors. Furthermore, the creative thoughts in other science classes, directly or indirectly, may inspire or enlighten us to crack difficulties when we encounter puzzles in our major.

On top of that, more basic science classes may even lead us to a bright future. It is universally acknowledged that the competition in the job markets is becoming increasingly fierce. If we acquire a variety of skills, including not only what the enterprisers’ specified major, but also some other spark points, it is more likely for us to be employed. Actually, according to the words of my friends who have already found jobs, the administrators in their companies are always captured by those who are versatile. In addition, a person attending more science classes has more common things to talk with people in other departments of the same company. It is not a bad impetus to establish a harmonious relationship among staffs, especially for those fresh workers.

Admittedly, I don’t deny the importance of major classes which also play a crucial role in further study and in future. But compared with fundamental science classes, it seems less dominant. Moreover, the higher a building is, the more solid and deeper its foundation is and the same theory works in major. Therefore, I cling to the belief that all students should take basic science classes.

giserUID：2844945

People should live in the city or country all life instead of moving to another place.

The number of living buildings in the world is increasing remarkably, and accompanying this phenomenon, the moving and migration activities are also becoming much more frequent. Some people prefer living in a city or country forever, but however, other groups put the option of moving to a better place prior to living in the same place for the entire life. As for me, I stand on the latter side.

The first thing that has to be taken into consideration is inconvenient. Imagine that how long has to be taken to purchase a apartment and then adorn the dwelling place with furniture, suppose that how many people should be needed to move out all your belongings and then move into the new home and anticipate that how complexly should you assess the value of your old house and then get the deserved money to compensate the payment of a new one. Moreover, it is a common fact that people moving from other places are often encountered with such situations, for example, cheated by the local people in the department without noticing anything, robbed by the thieves in a bus regardless of people standing near you or unwelcome in the public places just for the reason that you can not speak native language. Without something equipping you like a native, it seems a little hard to live in a new place.

In addition, there seemingly exists a conflict between moving and not moving. It is self-evident that most people are old when they have the ability to buy a second house. We can illustrate this theory in more details. Actually, when we are eager to move to a new house, we are so young and we don’t have enough money to buy us a new one in that the temporary living place has depleted our wealth and maybe we are deeply involved in debt. Nevertheless, when we have the competent to pay for a new house, we are so old that we don’t want to waste our energy to move. In fact, most old people don’t want to move to a new place for they have lived in the old house with which they are so familiar for half of their life. They reject to move out even if the government regulate that their houses must be pulled down. It is always nostalgia that makes people at an old age not willing to accept new things.

Since there are some inconveniences and several people don’t want to move to another place, why shouldn’t we live in the same city or country the whole life?

yandong1208UID：2798280

Nowadays students have to attend more classes than ever before. They have little weekends and short holidays. However, this is not the end of the case, for the reason that teachers are now giving them increasing amount of assignments. Over the last decades, this has been a debated issue and there is not a consensus till now.（这句感觉有点生硬，像硬塞个模板）） From my point of view, there is no necessity for students to do daily homework.
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First and foremost, the efficiency of more homework is not noticeable. There is no doubt that the purpose of assigning homework is to improve the performance of students in academic study. But it is also the case that students with talent can do a good work without homework. Just as we can see from Newton, he even didn’t have a lot of classes in school and dropped out from school at a very early age, but his physical theory is universally acknowledged by the global （universally 和 by the global 意思有点重复了）and his admirers are around the whole world now. Also, those students who are not interested in study may become even more annoyed and irritated when facing more homework. They don’t consider normal mid-term and final examinations as something important, not to say homework. Hence, it is of no use and no value for both excellent and poor students.（本段感觉理由不是太充分，没有论证到本段第一句，仅仅说了不完成太多作业也可以有好的学习成果和一部分人不在乎，应该更多讲一些做了作业也没有效果的例子）7

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Thinking from the other side of the issue, it is also not a smart option for teachers. It comes as no surprise that teacher have to spend more time on assigning and reviewing student’s homework. For one thing, it takes teachers’ precious time to do this. In stead of this, not only can teachers use their limited energy to care more about poor students, but also they can put this time on the improvement of their class quality. For another, there are some probabilities （is a probability）that overwork can lead to potential health problems. A teacher of mine in primary school was passed away (不需要was吧。。) as a consequence of too much teaching burden. Thus, the benefits can not just be enjoyed by students, but teachers can get relief from non-daily homework.（这一句感觉怪怪的。。虽然没什么毛病，但不太顺口）

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Admittedly, sometimes teachers can give some tasks for students to do, especially those（指代不明） difficult for them to understand in class. It is not a surprise that teachers at times can not clarify a term perfectly within a short time, and on（in） this condition can teachers assign some homework for students to assimilate what have been taught in class. （可以分成两句，一句里涵盖的意思稍微有点多咯~）But daily homework is not a good thought, as I talked above, for both students and teachers.

主要说说不足的吧，
内容稍微有些单薄，理由阐述得不是特别充分，还有很大的余地可以发挥。
词汇的变换较少，可以适当使用一些高级词汇。
一些地方语法虽然没有错误，但读起来感觉不太流畅。
作者举得一些例子还是挺恰当的。
加油，一起努力！

giserUID：2844945

今天写的有点逊，两位将就着看吧

Nowadays students have to attend more classes than ever before. They have little weekends and short holidays. However, this is not the end of the case, for the reason that teachers are now giving them increasing amount of assignments. Over the last decades, this has been a debated issue and there is not a consensus till now. From my point of view, there is no necessity for students to do daily homework.

First and foremost, the efficiency of more homework is not noticeable. There is no doubt that the purpose of assigning homework is to improve the performance of students in academic study. But it is also the case that students with talent can do a good work without homework. Just as we can see from Newton, he even didn’t have a lot of classes in school and dropped out from school at a very early age, but his physical theory is universally acknowledged by the global and his admirers are around the whole world now. Also, those students who are not interested in study may become even more annoyed and irritated when facing more homework. They don’t consider normal mid-term and final examinations as something important, not to say homework. Hence, it is of no use and no value for both excellent and poor students.

Thinking from the other side of the issue, it is also not a smart option for teachers. It comes as no surprise that teacher have to spend more time on assigning and reviewing student’s homework. For one thing, it takes teachers’ precious time to do this. In stead of this, not only can teachers use their limited energy to care more about poor students, but also they can put this time on the improvement of their class quality. For another, there are some probabilities that overwork can lead to potential health problems. A teacher of mine in primary school was passed away as a consequence of too much teaching burden. Thus, the benefits can not just be enjoyed by students, but teachers can get relief from non-daily homework.

Admittedly, sometimes teachers can give some tasks for students to do, especially those difficult for them to understand in class. It is not a surprise that teachers at times can not clarify a term perfectly within a short time, and on this condition can teachers assign some homework for students to assimilate what have been taught in class. But daily homework is not a good thought, as I talked above, for both students and teachers.

nunulongUID：2172898

楼主，你好，作文已改，请查收。

FFFMZJBUID：2479141

楼上的童鞋，你的文章我已经修改了，这次我们是同一组，希望你对我的文章提出意见和建议，谢谢。

giserUID：2844945

7.8 Students would receive a better, effective education if they were required to attend classes for 11 months of a year.

It is a fact that students nowadays have much heavier burden than that of the last generation, for the reason that the competition among students is becoming increasingly fierce. As we all know, the number of people stepping in scientific area is on the rise and the nation is attaching a remarkable emphasis on the education. In order to attain great achievements in schools, a lot of approaches have been adopted, among which is expanding the study time in school. But there is still not a consensus concerning whether 11 months of a year in school can lead to a better and effective education.

First and foremost, more time spent in school does not mean a better education. We can simply reach to a conclusion that students would become unhappy, depressed, annoyed and irritated if they are forced to study for such a long time in a year. Little people will not come to this state if they repeat the same boring things for a long time. The attitude would adversely affect the efficiency of study. Moreover, lacking enough time for recreation and relaxation, it also poses a great risk and permanent effect on the health of students, which is not favorable for them to study at their best level. Besides, it comes as no surprise that the teachers in the school can not withstand the high pressure of continuous working for 11 months. The quality of the class has a definite link with and plays a decisive role in the efficiency of education.

In addition, a good education can not only be obtained in class. There is no doubt that we can accumulate broad knowledge and gain precious experience outside the school. The celebrated scientist Newton was once driven away from class at a very early age on account of his stupidity. However, his influence in the physical world is far-reaching and his admirers are around the world now. Undeniable, parents nowadays are more professional and they pay more attention to the education of their offspring than ever before. The cases that the talent taught at home without having any classes in schools are not rare. It is not incorrect to say that the school is not the exclusive place to study. The richest man in the world, Bill Gates, dropped school at his second year in university, but what he learned at the society could equal or even surpass that in school. Therefore, the amount of time in school is not a dominant factor to a better education.

Admittedly, spending more time in school sometimes benefits students. But it is not a perfect solution, since the efficiency might not be as good as that we imagine and school is not the unique place to study. Thus, I firmly believe that 11 months in school is not a good way to a better and effective education.

canoe03UID：2786666

We are now living in a highly developing society, and something by our hand may change remarkably in a twinkling of an eye. It is not exaggerate(这是动词，用在这里不恰当) to say that the growth of population is beyond the imagination of human beings. How could we anticipate that the amount of people nowadays is as several times as that a century ago? The conflict between human and the nature is increasingly severe. Despite the fact the destiny of population is continuously rising, I am still inclined to hold more land for endangered animals.

Endangered animals are in great need of land. As a matter of fact, several species have been extinct from our planet, and some are in danger now. If they could not get enough space to inhabit, they might follow the footprints of the disappeared ones. The reduction of the area of forests has lead to the decreasing numbers of bird species, as we can see from the scene that the number of migration birds by the lake in their migrating path is going down year by year. More land provided for endangered animals also means better proliferation, for the reason(我想这两个词有点多余) that they have more opportunities to find food. Having sufficient eating supplements（前面已经提到食物了，我想这里如果用一个连词之类的会使句子显得简单些）, the probability of competition between the same species decreases considerably, and it benefits the growth of endangered animals.

The role that reserving more land for endangered animals plays can not be(?) ignored in keeping the balance of ecosystem. With little animals in the planet, we could live only with plants to eat(前面用live on这里就可以不用to eat了) or even there would not be plants for us to eat(这个可以删掉). At that time, the destiny of the endangered animals would be the consequence of human beings too. Actually, the number of human beings has surpassed the ability of nature to nourish its creatures. We should not have occupied the inhabitations of animals. Every man is created equal, as well as animal(不认可这句话的观点). We share the same resources on earth and we are neighbors. God has not equipped us the right to dominate the life of other creatures.(圣经第一章可不是这样说的，’GOD says; …have dominion over the fish and sea…’)

Admittedly, human beings also need more land to live on. Nevertheless, we can not sacrifice the living rights of animals. As I said above, it would also lead to the extinction of humans as a result of little land for endangered animals. In addition, we have other ways to create more space for ourselves, such as constructing high buildings, creating land inshore and the like. Therefore, I don’t agree with the opinion that it’s more important to reserve more land for human beings.


太佩服楼主了，居然能写这么多字！作文有点小错误，出现在句式这里。作文的结构很好，但是在第三段出现了一些观点之类的错误，所以我想我们在论证的时候千万小心才是。加油！

layla1989UID：2832481

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It is more important to reserve lands for human beings than for endangered animals.

We are now living in a highly developing society, and something by our hand（这个短语用的不是很合适，有些歧义） may change remarkably in a twinkling of an eye. It is not exaggerate to say that the growth of population is beyond the imagination of human beings. How could we anticipate that the amount of people nowadays is as several times as that a century ago? （这句用意不明）The conflict between human and the nature is increasingly severe. Despite the fact （最好加that）the destiny（是density么？如果是命运貌似不是很合适）
of population is continuously rising, I am still inclined to hold more lands for endangered animals(用了比较级最好点明比较关系).

Endangered animals are in great need of lands. As a matter of fact, several（语气不够强烈） species have been extinct from our planet, and some are in danger now. If they could not get enough space to inhabit, they might follow the footprints of the disappeared ones. The reduction of the area of forests has lead to the decreasing numbers（应该是单数吧，是想表示鸟类的种类数） of bird species, as we can see from the scene（which scene？）
that the number of migration birds by the lake in their migrating path is going down year by year.
（第二个分论点缺少连词）More lands provided for endangered animals also means better proliferation, for the reason that they have more opportunities to find food. Having sufficient eating supplements, the probability of competition between （用法只有between…and…必须有2个事物）the same species decreases considerably, and it （指代不明，如果是指having…，那么这个having是第一句的条件状语还是作第二句的主语）benefits the growth of endangered animals.

The role that
reserving more land for endangered animals plays（可以play么？） can not be ignored in keeping the balance of ecosystem. With（是要写without么？） little animals in the planet, we could live only with plants to eat or even there would not be plants for us to eat（给人一种animal就是用来吃的错觉）. At that time, the destiny of the endangered animals would be the consequence of human beings too（与前文哪里对应？还有什么是人类造成的？）. Actually, the number of human beings has surpassed the ability of nature to nourish its creatures. We should not have occupied the inhabitations of animals. Every man is created equal, as well as animal.（animal不等于man,最好说creature） We share the same resources on earth and we are neighbors. God has not equipped us the right to dominate the life （复数）of other creatures.

Admittedly, human beings also need more land to live on. Nevertheless, we can not sacrifice the living rights of animals. As I said above, it would also lead to the extinction of humans as a result of little（providing/reserving Little这样更生动些）
lands for endangered animals. In addition, we have other ways to create more space for ourselves, such as constructing high buildings, creating lands inshore and the like. （这个观点不错，可以展开来写成一段~）Therefore, I don’t agree with the opinion that it’s more important to reserve more lands for human beings.