求高人修改作文，求拍砖～～

AbasevenUID：3190939

话说这是我准备雅思以来写的第一篇作文，恳请各位大牛们给些意见啊～～

Some people think women should beallowed to join the army, the navy and the air force just like man. To whatextent do you agree or disagree?

Currently, whether ladies should beallowed to join the military has been a much-debated issue.
There is no doubt that entitling womento serve in the military would bring both females themselves and even thesociety substantial benefits. In this age of gender equality, women should begranted the right to be allowed to join the army, while it is theirresponsibility to serve their homelands as well. Society has entitled everyoneequal rights, regardless of gender .Therefore, women have the same right as manto serve in the military. Also, ladies would have a sense of pride especiallywhen they make contribution to their countries, whereas it is a good way forthem to fulfill their military potential as well .There are plenty of evidenceproved that women soldiers have the capability to perform well during the war,and even perform better than man.
But on the other hand, to be objectiveand balanced, women are often weaker than man in terms of physical andpsychological condition, which may restrict their military potential to somedegree. It would be hard for a woman to live in an ill-conditioned circumstancewhile it is not uncommon for a man to get accustomed to it rapidly.
It is obvious that women are anindispensable part as a member of the society, so they should not be excludedfrom being allowed to the army. Hence, we just need to keep the proper genderproportion that the military, to a large extent, will boost its efficiencygreatly.

AbasevenUID：3190939

2# bqiana

可是我数了数有253个字啊。。。。

bqianaUID：193168

230多个字
4.5-5