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本帖最后由 kingwyf87 于 2010-4-26 15:47 编辑
〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓〓
【1010G精英组】E小组第1次作业
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Argument53
Thirteen years ago, researchers studied a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild distress
when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli such as an unusual odor or a tape recording of an unknown voice.
They discovered that these infants were more likely than other infants to have been conceived in
early autumn, a time when their mothers' production of melatonin—a hormone known to affect
some brain functions—would naturally increase in response to decreased daylight. In a follow-up
study conducted earlier this year, more than half of these children—now teenagers—who had
shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy. Clearly, increased levels of melatonin before
birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life.
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写作样式模板
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===========
Logical Chain
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论点提纲
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习作正文
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Revised By
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拍文顺序
1--->5
2--->4
3--->1
4--->3
5--->7
6--->2
7--->9
8--->6
9--->8
说明:1--->5 表示1号拍5号的习作
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===========
Logical Chain
===========
1, study --> unfamiliar stimuli --> signs of mild distress
2, study --> infants had shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy
3, study --> infants to have been conceived in early autumn
4, mothers' production of melatonin in early autumn
1,2,3,4--> increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life
===========
论点提纲
===========
1、25个婴儿不能代表全部个体。
2、没有说明increased levels of melatonin与mild distress的因果关系。
3、没有排除其他引起shyness during infancy的原因。
===========
习作正文
===========
In this argument, the arguer cites a study of a group of infants who were exposed to unfamiliar stimuli turn out to show signs of distress and the follow-up indicated that such shyness still exiting when the babies grown-up. The study also finds that most of those infants were conceived in autumn in which season the melatonin increased in mothers’ body. Based on these facts, the author concludes that it is the increased levels of melatonin before birth that causes babies to be shy and such shyness continues into later life. The argument, however, depends on quite a few assumptions which render it as unconvinced as it stands.
The threshold problem with this argument is the study itself. According to the study, the author points out that there are only 25 infants, involved in the research, who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli. It is entirely possible that the chosen babies may all have some kinds of birth defect instead of unfamiliar stimuli, which are responsible for the mild distress. In order to strong the reliability of the study, the research’s sample must be sufficient in size and representative of the whole infants.
Yet another problem is that even it is the unfamiliar stimuli that cause the mild distress of infants, the arguer gives no evidences to imply that a causal relationship between the increased melatonin in mothers’ body and the mild distress of infants. It is also likely that the increased hormones are just a normal of physiological changes of women and have nothing to do with the mild distress. Without other supporting details to establish the cause-and-effect between the mild distress of infants and increased melatonin of women, the arguer cannot confirm his conclusion base on the unpersuasive facts.
Finally, the arguer fails to rule out other factors which result in the shyness of teenagers in the follow-up study. Common sense tells us that as the baby grown up children are more or less appearing to be shy especially when they are facing strangers. But when the strangers become to be familiar ones the children may not show any shyness at all. If the author put this situation considering as the continuing mild distress of infants, the conclusion cannot be reliable. Even the infants are still shy when they grown up, there are also other possibilities, such as their living environment where they may feel lonely that make they continue to have mild distress even worse. The author fails to concern the other factors which may make the children shy, which put his conclusion untrustworthy.
To sum up, the conclusion, which is made by the author who has disregarded or chosen to ignore several aspects of his conclusion, is on the basis of scant credibility. To better bolster the reliability of his conclusion, the author must give more reliable information about the study. I would also need to know whether the mild distress of children somehow connected with melatonin of women. Only more supporting details can the author draw his conclusion.
=======================
Revised By Shevava
=======================
个人观点,望交流…
蓝色为结构句 红色为有疑问的地方 绿色为值得借鉴的地方
In this argument, the arguer cites a study of a group of infants who were exposed to unfamiliar stimuli turn out to show signs of distress and the follow-up indicated that such shyness still exiting when the babies grown-up. The study also finds that most of those infants were conceived in autumn in which season the melatonin increased in mothers’ body. Based on these facts, the author concludes that it is the increased levels of melatonin before birth that causes babies to be shy and such shyness continues into later life. The argument, however, depends on quite a few assumptions which render it as unconvinced as it stands.
The threshold problem with this argument is the study itself. According to the study, the author points out that there are only 25 infants, involved in the research, who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli. It is entirely possible that the chosen babies may all have some kinds of birth defect instead of unfamiliar stimuli, which are responsible for the mild distress. In order to strong
the reliability of the study, the research’s sample must be sufficient in size and representative of the whole infants.
Yet another problem is that even it is the unfamiliar stimuli that cause the mild distress of infants, the arguer gives no evidences to imply that a causal relationship between the increased melatonin in mothers’ body and the mild distress of infants. It is also likely that the increased hormones are just a normal of physiological changes of women and have nothing to do with the mild distress. Without other supporting details to establish the cause-and-effect between the mild distress of infants and increased melatonin of women, the arguer cannot confirm his conclusion base on the unpersuasive facts.
Finally, the arguer fails to rule out other factors which result in the shyness of teenagers in the follow-up study. Common sense tells us that as the baby grown up children are more or less appearing to be shy especially when they are facing strangers. But when the strangers become to be familiar ones the children may not show any shyness at all. If the author put this situation considering as the continuing mild distress of infants(?不太明白,求交流), the conclusion cannot be reliable. Even the infants are still shy when they grown up, there are also other possibilities, such as their living environment where they may feel lonely that make they continue to have mild distress even worse. The author fails to concern the other factors which may make the children shy, which put his conclusion untrustworthy.
To sum up, the conclusion, which is made by the author who has disregarded or chosen to ignore several aspects of his conclusion, is on the basis of scant credibility.
To better bolster the reliability of his conclusion, the author must give more reliable information about the study. I would also need to know whether the mild distress of children somehow connected with melatonin of women. Only more supporting details can the author draw his conclusion.
结构清晰,清楚地指出argument三方面的逻辑错误,一目了然…;
论证,可以通过直接说理、举例子进行论述,比较有说服力…但是,个人觉得第四段的举例子可以更详细一些;
逻辑,首段描述后直接点题,第一段说了25个样本问题,通过样本小的缺点以及随机性,说明原文逻辑的缺陷,合情合理;第二段说因果关系,这个我觉得是不是说一下怎么才能得到这种关系,比如说加一个对照组啊什么的更有说服力呢?第三段的举例说孩子对陌生人一般都会害羞,对陌生人就不会,我觉得这说明了研究结果是普遍的,然后说明这种研究结果不能说明argu中的结论是不是更好,另外,通过列举他因说明原推论的逻辑不严密性,合情合理。
=======================
Revised By nanfeng25899
=======================
批改标注:
1。红色,表示“错误”
2。洋红,表示“用法欠妥当”
3。蓝色,是我的批注
4。绿色,表示“很精彩的文字”
In this argument, the arguer cites a study of a group of infants who were exposed to unfamiliar stimuli turn out to show signs of distress and the follow-up indicated that such shyness still exiting when the babies grown-up.【我个人认为这句话的语法有点问题,of后的是不能接一句话的,建议改成that; exiting应该是exist,而且我觉得可能用remain更好】The study also finds that most of those infants were conceived in autumn in which season the melatonin increased in mothers’ body. Based on these facts, the author concludes that it is the increased levels of melatonin before birth that causes babies to be shy and such shyness continues into later life. The argument, however, depends on quite a few assumptions which render it as unconvinced as it stands.【句型很好】
【本段小结】
逻辑很清晰。从第一段能看出作者的逻辑:前提---à结论----à谬误的简单指出。
2. 缺点一:在复述原题的时候,建议精炼语言,可以适当的换一些词汇表达
3. 缺点二:语法的正确性有待加强。
4.缺点三:我个人的建议是第一段可以写成:结论---à前提----à谬误的简单指出 的顺序
The threshold problem with this argument is the study itself. 【没有指出具体的谬误点】According to the study, the author points out that there are only 25 infants, involved in the research, who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli. It is entirely possible that the chosen babies may all have some kinds of birth defect instead of unfamiliar stimuli, which are responsible for the mild distress.
【这样写的话,从句的which指代不是很明确,建议把instead放在后面】In order to strong the reliability of the study, the research’s sample must be sufficient in size and representative of the whole infants.
【本段小结】
逻辑链很清晰。TS指出谬误,然后解释谬误,最后纠正谬误。
2. 缺点一:TS没有指出谬误点
3. 缺点二:在解释谬误的时候最好深入一点,比如可以说“即使证明了他们没有defect也不能说这25个孩子代表正题”。
Yet another problem is that even it is the unfamiliar stimuli that cause the mild distress of infants, the arguer gives no evidences to imply that a causal relationship between the increased melatonin in mothers’ body and the mild distress of infants. It is also likely that the increased hormones are just a normal【形容词】 of physiological changes of women and have nothing to do with the mild distress. Without other supporting details to establish the cause-and-effect between the mild distress of infants and increased melatonin of women, the arguer cannot confirm his conclusion base on the unpersuasive facts.【很长,很正确,很强大】
【本段小姐】
论证很严谨。第一句起到了承上启下的作用,很好。
缺点一:希望词汇的使用多样化,比如increased用了很多次,可以用rising, mounting等替代。
Finally, the arguer fails to rule out other factors which result in the shyness of teenagers in the follow-up study. Common sense tells us that as the baby grown up children are more or less appearing to be shy especially when they are facing strangers. 【as后面接的是从句吧,时态应成is growing up; are more or less appearing 最好改成appear to; facing也可以吧,但是改成encountering更好】But when the strangers become to be familiar ones the children may not show any shyness at all. If the author put this situation considering as the continuing mild distress of infants,【有一点难懂和中国化,建议改成If the author doesn’t take this situation into consideration when analyzing the causes of shyness更好】
the conclusion cannot be reliable. Even the infants are still shy when they grown up, there are also other possibilities, such as their living environment where they may feel lonely that make they continue to have mild distress even worse.【语法上不太正确,表达上很中国式。1.还是grown up的问题 2.living environment建议改成surroundings更好3.最后的定从有点牵强,可以改成such as their longly surroundings that result in the enduring mild distress even worse】
The author fails to concern【这个词是使。。。关心的意思,一般主语是事情,可以用exclude】 the other factors which may make the children shy, which put 【用在这里不太好】his conclusion untrustworthy.
【本段小结】
1.解释谬误较之前深入一些。作者本段举了个陌生人的例子,比较形象。
2.缺点一:语言上的硬伤比较堵,而且有的句子感觉有点中国化和晦涩。
3.缺点二:词的选用有待加强。
To sum up, the conclusion, which is made by the author【明显是凑字数用的吧。。。】 who has disregarded or chosen to ignore several aspects of his conclusion, is on the basis of scant credibility. To better bolster the reliability of his conclusion, the author must give more reliable【convincing or cogent】 information about the study. I 【建议把本句改成被动】would also need to know whether the mild distress of children somehow connected with melatonin of women. Only more supporting details can the author draw his conclusion.【only后面接状语】
【本段小结】
逻辑很明显。指出前面的谬误后,呼吁更多的证据。
缺点一:语法错误
缺点二:有的语句略显冗长。
【综合测评】
本文作者的逻辑很清晰,也有一些很不错的表达方式。但是作文上的硬伤很多,这很可怕,比如很多的语法错误。而且词汇的选取上页有待加强。最后,就是希望作者多看一些外国的人文章,尽量减少中国式思维,中国式英语(虽然我也有)。 |
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