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Argument174 The following recommendation was made by the president and administrative staff of Grove College, a private institution, to the college's governing committee.
'We recommend that Grove College preserve its century-old tradition of all-female education rather than admit men into its programs. It is true that 【a majority of faculty members voted in favor of coeducation】, [这点你没谈到。可能造成学校的危机。再说,就算学生都不同意也能就听他们的。Faculties作为教育专家更有发言权] arguing that it would encourage more students to apply to Grove. But 【eighty percent】 of the students 【responding to a survey】 【conducted by the student government】 wanted the school to remain all female, and 【over half of the alumni who answered a separate survey】 also opposed coeducation. Keeping the college all-female, therefore, will 【improve morale】 among students and convince alumni to keep supporting the college【 financially】[少数校友可能捐的比她们都多。还有,收男生可以赚学费。].'
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In this recommendation, the arguer concludes that keeping the college all-female will improve morale among students and convince alumni to sponsor the college financially[最好改动一下,不要照抄]. However, after a close scrutiny, I find this recommendation unconvincing in several aspects.
A threshold problem is [with]the survey conducted by the student government, which has opposed co-educations [for both female and male students这是啥意思?前面不都说co-education了么?]. To ward off[用词很精制] the admission for male students[这么说偏了。你应该上来就说“可能学生会的成员不乐意,比如担心男生进来抢了她们的饭碗,或就是不喜欢男生,所以她们做的调查是靠不住的”], the student government may exaggerate the inconvenience of co-education before the survey is conducted, thus impacts students on their respondence to the issue. If so, the survey could not truly reflect the standpoint of the respondents. Even granted each individual is independent of his[没his] or her position when responding the survey, we do not know the specific number of respondents and that of all the current students in the college. If responsive students only take up a small or even negligible part of students as a whole, than the survey might not be representative enough to draw any meaningful conclusion from.
[Accordingly, to make any survey meaningful and reliable, survey conductor has to convince us that the respondents are independent in mind and large in number to represent the idea of a general group. 车轱辘话留到结尾再说。]This is nowhere more true than on the two surveys directed to students and alumni respectively.[单列一条说另一个survey,最好别混在一起,因为这样无法展开后一个survey的一些特殊之处,比如少部分同意的校友可能都是bill gates(的老婆),人家一个小指头就把财政问题都解决了] Again, unfortunately, the arguer fails to prove that in the second survey, though separate, designed for alumni.
Granted that alumni-oriented survey is methodologically and statistically reliable, the financial support for the college may not necessarily decrease, as implied by the arguer. However, [我上次就问你怎么however了?没看出转折来]whether the college would admit men into its programs might be one of the many factors leading to alumni support. Faculty's academic researches, student’s school performance, as well as the reputation of the college itself, might all play an important role for alumni's deciding to support the college. Given this possibility, [复数]even if the coeducation program were eventually admitted, opposed by more than half of the alumni, people [这里是指谁?校友?好像不是]might still be wiling to support the college financially. [这里你应该强调的是收了男生之后这些方面可能都会提高,保守的校友最后也会接受的。而你没提这个前提,说了很多别的方面不太扣题。]
Finally, it is presumptuous to assert that all-female education will improve morale among students. After all, the college has never admitted any men into its programs, and consequently, we do not[know] how morale among students in coeducation will be. Without comparisons, the arguer cannot convince me that current programs will improve students' morale, whereas coeducation not.[最好还是写个结尾。有几点没说到,我标在题上了。] |
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