maoqiu007的作文贴。--maoqiu007

maoqiu007UID：3023523

do you agree or disagree the statement? It is better to make friends with intelligent people than with people who have the sense of humor


  Making friends is a permanent topic in the history of the development of human beings. as we all know, a proverb says:" a friend in need is a friend indeed"
some people hold the view that intelligent people is the friends indeed, because of their intelligence can help you solve numerous problems which upset and annoy you.
However, some other people strongly pointed out that humorous people may be your better choice in that they can bring the bright sunshine for your life. As far as I am concerned,
i prefer to choice wise and clever people as my friends by following the factors and figures.
As you all know, a friend in need is a friend indeed, clever friends can help you analyze and solve problems. Faced with a hard and harsh problems, every one may be lost in the anxiety and do not know what to do can handle it.
If you had a smart friend, you could take it easy. To begin with, intelligent friends would calm you down, and smooth you tension about the hardship, which makes your chord tighten. Then, they would analyze your problems as detailed as possible. with their superb analysis ability and excellent logical capacity taken into, the problems will be dissolved quickly. Finally, tough problems, just like a hard and harsh stone on the way of your proceeding, are kicked away of the way easily.

Life doesn't lack beauty, it lacks the eyes to find beauty. Wise friends, can bring new brightness for life, which you ever find before. Martin Jones, the ex-professor in the Yale university, who have undertaken the research of the XX, directly pointed out that the intelligent people in the normal life are easy to get content because of their ability to dig out the happiness and beauty of the life. This research reflects the fact that the high quality of intelligence people not only can figure out the problems easily but also know how to enjoy the social life.

Nevertheless, I admit the fact that the friends with the sense of the humor will give you more happiness to kill time, but we cannot ignore the benefits from the intelligent friends offer, which seems essential in the society.

All in all, Making friends with intelligent people is the correct and wise choice.

mpromanusUID：2565872

1# maoqiu007

Do you agree or disagree with the statement? It is better to make friends with intelligent people than with people who have the sense of humor.

Making friends is a permanent topic in the history of the development of human beings. As we all know, a proverb says:" a friend in need is a friend indeed". Some people hold the view that intelligent people are the friends indeed, because of their intelligence can help you solve numerous problems which upset and annoy you. However, some other people strongly pointed out (You can’t really ‘strongly point out’. Even in Chinese you’d say 强烈意见 but not 强烈指出. The same goes in English - you can have a ‘strong point’, but you can’t ‘strongly point’.) that humorous people may be your better choice in that they can bring the bright sunshine into your life. As far as I am concerned, I prefer to choose wise and clever (‘wise’ is not the same as ‘clever’, and neither ‘wise’ nor ‘clever’ is exactly the same as ‘intelligent’. What kind of people are you talking about exactly?) people as my friends by following the following? factors and figures.

As you all know, a friend in need is a friend indeed. Clever friends can help you analyze and solve problems. Faced with a hard and harsh problems, anyone may be lost in the anxiety and does not know what to do can handle it (Either ‘know what to do’, or ‘know how to handle it’, or ‘know what can handle it’, but not everything mixed together.). If you have (If you use ‘if you had’, it expresses a wish contrary to fact, which means ‘assuming you have…while in fact that you have not’. A simple expression of assumption just needs a normal ‘if’, without the past tense.) a smart friend, you could take it easy. To begin with, intelligent friends would calm you down, and smooth you tension about the hardship (I thought this is what a humorous friend, rather an intelligent friend, would be able to do.), which makes your chord tighten (This looks like an attempt to translate from Chinese..). Then, they would analyze your problems as detailed as possible. With their superb analysis ability and excellent logical capacity taken into, the problems will be dissolved quickly (1. ‘dissolve’ is a totally different word from ‘solve’. 2. If you intend ‘the problems’ to be the subject of the sentence, it would be ‘the problems will be solved quickly BY their superb analysis ability and blah blah’. Always re-read your sentence in the normal Subject-Verb-Object sequence. You’ll usually uncover a lot of problems by yourself this way.) . Finally, tough problems, just like a hard and harsh stone on your way of your proceeding, are kicked out of the way easily. (By ‘the problems will be solved quickly’, you’ve already expressed all there is in this ‘Finally’ sentence – this final sentence doesn’t add anything more to the discussion and is therefore redundant.)

Life doesn't lack beauty; it lacks the eyes to find beauty. Wise friends, can bring new brightness for life, which you ever? (You mean ‘never’, don’t you?) find before. Martin Jones, an (If you use ‘the’, you’re effectively saying Martin Jones is the only ex-professor of Yale U in the whole world.) ex-professor of the Yale University, who have undertaken the research of the XX???????, directly pointed out that the intelligent people in the normal life (What kind of life is ‘THE’ normal life?) are easy to get content (You can only describe things as ‘easy’. Either ‘people get content easily’ or ‘it is easy for people to get content’ or ‘getting content is easy’, but not ‘people are easy to get content’. Saying someone is ‘easy’ means something totally different from saying something is ‘easy’.) because of their ability to dig out the happiness and beauty of the life (I’m not really sure if this ability is related to intelligence at all.). This research reflects the fact that with the high quality of intelligence people not only can figure out the problems easily but also know how to enjoy the social life. (It’s hard to believe that someone actually pulls off a research this farfetched because it’s so hard to measure if someone is more ‘content’ about life..I simply mean to tell you that telling about a fake research doesn’t make your argument more plausible. 1. It is easy to tell that you’re faking it. 2. Your description of the ‘research’ is still very vague, as it doesn’t explain why intelligence = ability to dig out happiness and beauty.)

Nevertheless, I admit the fact that the friends with the sense of the humor will give you more happiness to kill time? (What do you mean by ‘give you happiness to kill time’?), but we cannot ignore the benefits from the intelligent friends offer, which seems essential in the society.

All in all, making friends with intelligent people is the correct and wise choice.

总结：

不是要打击你但是我只能说，从第一句到最后一句我都不断地有推倒重写的冲动。。=.= 论述方面其实还好，就是语言表达很诡异。你有一个很奇怪的习惯就是把多个独立表达揉成一句，比如ignore the benefits from the intelligent friends offer 是benefits from the intelligent friends + what the intelligent friends offer..所以我只能建议，写完之后自己读至少一遍，看看句法是否正确。

maoqiu007UID：3023523

2# mpromanus
真的很谢谢您。我会努力改的。

maoqiu007UID：3023523

DO you agree or disagree the statment. it is often not good to move to a new place or new country becaues of the loss of friends.
  As a traditional Chinese proverb goes that "friends are fortune," a large number of people regard moving to new city or new place as an unfortunate thing because of the lose of friends.
However, as far as i am concerned, it is reasonable and considerate to move to a new place to launch a brand new life with the increasing of great requirement of the living condition. I will prove my view by the following factors and figures.
   Moving to new place is equal to be acquained with new friends. One the one hand, as a new comer, the local people always show their enthusiasm to you in order to make you feel at home, and show you around the new community which you never imagine you will settle down before. On the other hand, it is very easy for a new comer to get help from the adjacent family when you are in some trouble such as how to get the nearby supermarket, how to get access to the parking lot and so on. With frequency of the communication of you and your neigbhours. You will set up an reliable relationship with your fresh friends. No one can deny the fact that it is good for you to adjust yourself into the new life and make numerous new friends.
  New place or new country is equal to a new experience and new pleasure. According to a scientific survey about the curiosity of human beings, about 89% of people are curious about what they never go through, and they express their eager for the unknown articles and place, however, only 11 percent of people who are unwilling to explore the new world even though the chance comes to them. From my own perspectives, I am a Chinese college student, with a strong desire for new world, who always dream about taking plane to the USA to experience the different culture. Because, in the USA, I can easily get in touch with the western civilization and experience modern life which comes from the most advance technology. Therefore, moving to new place not only bring the fresh experience but also attract us into new pleasure.
  Although I admit the benefit from old friends, which also are important parts in our life, the new friends also can bring the happiness to you even more incredible pleasure.
  Finally, we can safely draw a conclusion that moving to a new place cannot destroy our life because of the lose of friends.  

乐之好好考托福UID：3092078

楼主能不能给我留一个邮箱，我从邮箱给你发过去改好的独立作文

maoqiu007UID：3023523

5# 乐之好好考托福


516655972@qq.com 麻烦了~ 我尽量快点把你的改好给你~

maoqiu007UID：3023523

6.7 独立

qianhuangUID：2766587

6月7日 独立 修改

maoqiu007UID：3023523

2010.2
在团队合作中，不能接受批评的人不能成功

maoqiu007UID：3023523

综合写作

maoqiu007UID：3023523

是否同意，团队合作中，不能接受批评的人是不会成功的。

  Every one might remember a sentence that "one for all, all for one," which comes from the well-known novel The Three Musketers, and from this classic lyrics we can sense that cooperation is very vital part in today or yesterday. So when it comes to criticizes in the team work, everyone has their own ideas. Majority hold such a view that someone who is unwilling to receive criticizes even to ignore it, will never success, however, some people opposite this view.
From my own perspective, I stand up the former view which I will prove my viewpoint by the following factors and facts.
  First and foremost, we should classify criticizes into two different directions which contribute us to figure out. For one thing, if the criticizes were right, and accurate, we should accept whatever it is. It is universally acknowledged that a valued or useful can make difference to the important project we are devoting ourselves to doing. For example, The Three Gorges, the largest hydraulic structure in the world, is exposed to some severe problems recently. Building a hydraulic structure, especially such a huge project, usually drive people who have lived in the region for long time to other place. However, immigration results in other ecological problems, because they feel reluctant to move to distant village, and finally choose to carry their family to the hill, which leads to the problems such as vegetation deterioration and so on. Many scientists strongly reputed this project and also gave the evidence that it would damage the ecological systems severely, however, the leaders and engineers ignored what scientists said and persist their foolish plan. If they considered criticizes from the team members (scientists) one more time, the end would be absolutely different. For another thing, if criticizes were wrong or wrong, it also could benefit the whole team. For instance, there are various voices existing in the team, no on can deny the fact that there is no such a team can accomplish a project or goal without once .
Thus, even though criticizes is wrong, it also can stimulate every member to engage to the discussion, sparking our passion.
  Of course, we admit that a venom criticizes rising up to attack someone, which no one can receive. However, it is a rare situation that members who dislikes each other, should be arranged in the same team.
  Hence, from above what we have discussed, we can safely draw a conclusion that people who reject to receive cri will never success.

maoqiu007UID：3023523

独立 2010.312

mpromanusUID：2565872

11# maoqiu007

是否同意，团队合作中，不能接受批评的人是不会成功的。

Every one might remember a sentence that "one for all, all for one," which comes from the well-known novel, The Three Musketeers, and from this classic line (‘lyrics’ are lines of a song.) we can sense that cooperation is a very vital part in today or yesterday (I know in Chinese you can use 昨天
to literally mean ‘the past’, but you usually don’t do that in English. Just use ‘in the past’ will suffice.). So when it comes to criticism in the team work, everyone has their own ideas. (I don’t get why it is a ‘so’ relationship between these two sentences. Why must the importance of cooperation cause everyone to have different ideas about criticism? This is a very typical problem of essays I read – you’d make a great effort to use connecting words like ‘so’, ‘therefore’, etc. but the sentences you are connecting have no actual connections whatsoever in meaning. The connecting words are thus not effective at all. Use connecting words only when it’s really meaningful to do so.) Majority hold such a view that someone who is unwilling to receive criticism, even to ignore it (Put your subject together with this part, it reads ‘someone who is unwilling to receive… even (unwilling) to ignore it..’), will never succeed. However, some people opposite this view. From my own perspective, I stand up to (Or you can just say ‘agree with’.. choose something simple but you know how to use correctly, rather than something you are not absolutely sure about.) the former view and (If you use ‘which’, remove ‘my viewpoint’..you are proving ‘the former view’.. or else just don’t use ‘which’. This is another example of connecting word abuse, where you simply use a connecting word for the sake of using connecting words as much as possible (as told by someone, I suppose). But you would need to understand why exactly you are using it..) I will prove my viewpoint by the following factors and facts.

First and foremost, we should classify criticism into two different kinds which contribute us to figure out?? (What are you trying to express?). For one thing, if the criticism was right, and accurate, we should accept whatever it is. It is universally acknowledged that a valued or useful (a ‘valued or useful’ what?) can make a difference to the important project we are devoting ourselves to doing. For example, The Three Gorges, the largest hydraulic structure in the world, is exposed to some severe problems recently (What are ‘some’ severe problems? This is vague, and doesn’t really add much value to your discussion.). Building a hydraulic structure, especially such a huge one, usually drives people who have lived in the region for a long time to other places. However, immigration results in other ecological problems, because they feel reluctant to move to distant villages, and finally choose to carry their family to the hills, which leads to the problems such as vegetation deterioration and so on (If you can’t cite more than one problem, then simply say ‘immigration result in vegetation deterioration as people are reluctant to move distant villages and choose to settle in the hills instead’. Adding ‘problems such as..’ then only citing one problem, is like telling people you have a few points to say then only talk about one. It doesn’t make your reader think that you know a lot about the issue. It only shows your reader that you pretend to know a lot but actually only knows a little – or else why can’t you talk more about the ‘problems’?). Many scientists strongly disputed this project and also gave the evidence that it would damage the ecological systems severely. However, the leaders and engineers ignored what scientists said and persisted their foolish plan. If they considered criticism from the team members (scientists) one more time, the end (‘the end’ of what?) would be absolutely different. For another thing, if the criticism was wrong or wrong, it also could benefit the whole team. For instance, there are various voices existing in the team, no one can deny the fact that there is no such a team can accomplish a project or goal without once. (Four consecutive negations! I won’t bother to understand this sentence if I’m the examiner. I’ll just pass it as ‘nonsense’, because, simply, no one speaks or writes like this. Express your ideas clearly should be your primary aim – even if it means using simple structures and shorter sentences. If you can’t get your ideas across, whatever fancy structures and phrases you use would amount to nothing.) Thus, even though the criticism is wrong, it also can stimulate every member to engage to the discussion, sparking our (Were you talking about ‘we’? Weren’t you talking about a team as a 3rd person?) passion. (One big paragraph and you didn’t even get to any point for the question.. You’re expected to prove ‘in a team, people who don’t accept criticism will fail’, so what you need to argue is simply ‘in a team, people who don’t accept criticism will fail because AAA, BBB and CCC’, then use one paragraph each to prove/demonstrate with an example why AAA, BBB and CCC are good reasons for the main argument. What you did, however, is to talk about ‘if the criticism is right, we should accept it; if it is not, we should still accept it’ – and look, this is totally different from your question.)

Of course, we admit that if a venomous criticism rising up is raised to attack someone, which no one can accept it. However, it is a rare situation that members who dislikes each other, should be arranged in the same team.

Hence, from above what we have discussed, we can safely draw a conclusion that people who reject to receive criticism will never succeed.

总结：

我看得出你有很努力地在使用各种句式词汇的变化，很好。但是，在语言方面，有些时候你用连词并不是因为上下句之间有什么联系，感觉更像是为了用而用。不是说有了连词逻辑就通顺了。。如果上下句之间本身没有合适那个连词的意思上的联系（有指代，有明显的表意上的关联，等等），那么用个连词也没法帮你凭空造出逻辑关系来的。特别是表因果意的so, therefore这类需要很强的上下文联系的连词，请特别注意。

另外，请注意扣题。你这篇文章的主体段所论述的（如果批评是对的我们要接受；如果批评是错的对团队也有好处）和问题要你论述的（团队中不能接受批评的人不能成功）完全不是一回事。三峡的例子也是完全语焉不详：什么是some severe problems? The end would be absolutely different是什么样的different? 我能知道你的意思是如果三峡那些人接受了批评，他们就不会面对今天三峡的失败，但是，你的语言中哪里有说明到这句话？你的意思是severe problems == 失败？absolutely different == 成功？你有说明这些定义吗？没有的话，如何指望一个对失败成功和批评的定义可能跟你完全不同而且完全不理解三峡问题的美国人能明白你这个例子和问题的关联在什么地方呢？把你的论点清晰地表述出来，不要为了争取表现你的词汇和句式还是文学性就去转弯抹角，不要指望考官去领会你的精神。。

最后，希望我的批评不会吓倒你啦。。我们的起点也许比别人低，一开始也许会比别人收到更多的批评，但是也正是因为如此，如果能认真地去改正，进步会比别人大很多~比如你这次在我上次提出的句意的分割上面就进步很多哦~所以我希望你不要因为被我说太多而灰心啦~要继续努力~如果我有说话太冲的话，还是请谅解~鞠躬~

xiangtuoUID：3047550

我看上一篇已经改得很细了，我就帮你细细改另一篇好了！

xiangtuoUID：3047550

2010.312
是否同意，小孩要在学校表现好，父母要限制他们看电视的时间
When it comes to an education,(什么意思？是说当说到教育时吗？我觉得可以没有必要说，因为后面有cultivate是同义的) parents have their own experience that（on） how to cultivate children. Majority of parents hold the view that they limit their children on the hours of (the hour of their children 限制的是时间) watching TV in order to make them behave well in the（at） school.(和一段)However, other parents seldom restrict their children's entertainment time and give them enough freedom to enjoy colorful childhood. From my perspective, I strongly stand up the latter, and I will prove my viewpoint by the following factors and facts.
  It is easy for parents who constrain children's time to enjoy TV to lead to the children's psychological inversion. According to a research made by CMPS(Campus Mental Problem Society in the northwest university, point out that (前面已经有according to了，去掉)over 80% of the teenagers and children have a psychological inversion more or less, and stress from outside such as tension given by parents is major factor which causes this inversion.(和一段)If children had a psychological inversion, they might do anything but perform well in the school, they would destroy the harmless（无害的？） plants, bully other innocent children, even hurt themselves and something else in order to protest the limit set by parents.（和一段）For example, Martin Lee, a primary students, who makes（made） all air go(went) out of the wheels of bikes in his community, releases his anger because his mother locked his Xbox players. Therefore, it is probably that（要表达强调句吗？还是其他的？如果正常的话，it may probably…用法） worsen the degree of psychological inversion if parents limit their children's hours of watching TV.
TV performs also includes some knowledge and practical skills which can be used in class and life. For instance, a well-known TV performance, Discovery, provides various of(书面是several of )significant knowledge about the nature, and enable children to open their minds（太中式了 broaden their horizon）. In some measure, TV supply with something which children cannot learn from textbooks. Also(书面语还是用in addition比较好), we take Discovery as a example, in my opinion, there is no teachers would teach children how the volcano comes about, how to tell the lave(lava) and magma and so on.
  Parents' serious limit does harm to the relationship between children and themselves. Psychological inversion drives children to be a opponent to their parents, and children will break the rules from times to times in order to get their right to watch TV. However, parents press their children tighter and tighter. Finally, the vicious circle comes about.
   From above we have discussed, we can safely draw a conclusion that parents restricting children on the hours of watching TV does harm to the development of children in the further education.

先说大方面，逻辑框架，其实这个中文的题目我就没怎么看懂，应该是为了小孩在学校表现好，父母是否应该限制小孩看电视的时间。但是全文只看到父母是否应该限制小孩看电视的时间，前一句的目的去哪里了？第一段还能靠一点边，如果在逆反期的话在学校也会怎样怎样的，第二个其实也可以考上，就是电视里学到的知识可以更加生动学习某些知识啊，考试考得好啊云云总之要稍微靠一下看看电视怎么就在学校表现好了。稍微修改下就能好一些。
第二点，其实没有必要分那么多段，一段一个意思，一般托福的作文是5段最好的了，4段如果能阐述得很全面也可以。倒数第二段有些莫名其妙，本来我以为是要写会损害父母与子女的关系，可是看到后来发现很像第一点的延伸。如果要阐述的话就不要再往逆反期上靠了，写写别的方面，如果不知道怎么写的话就去掉就可以了，反正字数还是挺多的。
第三点，最后的总结，跟没总结是一样一样的，怎么影响小孩将来的教育了？从几个方面影响的？最简单就直接把文中几点一概括，既全面，有简略，老美最喜欢了。
第四点，文中的一些句子，说法有些Chinglish，虽然语法没错，用词没错，但就是很别扭。就比如第二段开头t is easy for parents who constrain children's time to enjoy TV to lead to the children's psychological inversion.意思也能看懂，也没语法错误，如果放在中学考试的翻译句子中这么写是没有错的。但是在托福的考试中，这个是蛮重要的，因为考官要看你语言驾驭的能力，熟练运用的能力。我觉得这么写会好很多。Psychological inversion would be led to probably as parents constrain children’s time to enjoy TV. 因为在句首的位置，最好能总领整段，或者有个强调什么的。一个简单的意思，不用绕那么多来说。
如果楼主愿意深入探讨或者有异议的话欢迎联系。