第二篇。。希望不吝赐教

iamaeromouseUID：2330228

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Being happy with your job is more important than high salary.

When asked about whether happiness with job or high salary is more outweighing, people may find it hard to come to consensus due to their different experiences and conflicting values. As far as i am concerned, doing job happily plays a vital part in our daily working. Becasue it brings us passionate mood and recognized social dignity

Admittedly, we can not survive without money in mordern society. Money is needed to satisfy people either physical or psychological demand. People can have higher standard life, like having delicious dinners at a decent restaurant at times, purchasing some up-dated fashionable goods, or even having a fabulous party on a chatered yacht. However, does this kind of life make us realy happy? To me, it is not indeed.

Say, what makes you passion for? I have to acknowledge that a job, which offers me real happiness, is my power resouce. If I got a chance to do what I am interested in, I would try my best to undertake it and give out all my enthusiasm. I enjoy the feeling that something is really attractive and I would like to devote myself to it. For example, I faced two job chances when I started job hunting after my graduation from college, one is related to my subject, to be a teacher in middle shcool, which I can develop myself thoroughly; while another is to be a translator in a foreign company. After a long hesitation, I decided to choose the job which can bring me ardour but not money. Three years working experience let me believe that I made a right decision. I still exert my whole vigor to the job eveyday and even weekends. I enjoy the feeling with students, which keeps me younger and delight. I do would like to exert my vigor to the education.

Self-recognition is another aspect of happiness. Nobody would ascribe a wealthy man who runs a casino to a successful man, though he can earn tons of money every day. A large mount of money makes people indulgent but not happy. In concrast high salary, happy with job could aquire respect and acknowledgement easily. Like me as a teacher, I always proud of that I can bring my students sort of knowledge and leading them to enjoy them life smooothly. In turn, students' respects and smily faces encourage me to continue my teacher career. Furthermore, as we known, teacher is the one of the most valuable jobs among whole society. Everyone would reward their teachers in their whole life, even including those wealthy people.

From what has been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that money is one of the most indispensable parts of our lives, however, money is not all, only happiness, passion and self-recognition can let us understand there are something more significant inside our physical ideology.

豆豆～UID：2378384

When asked about whether happiness with job or high salary is more outweighing, people may find it hard to come to consensus due to their different experiences(OK, here, experience should be used as an uncountable noun. what's more, "life experience" would be better) and conflicting values(since i replace the former word with a two-word phrase, "value systems" would be better placed here:-)). As far as i am concerned, doing job happily plays a vital part in our daily working. Becasue it brings us passionate mood and recognized social dignity(As far as I am concerned, completing jobs with great joy plays a vital role in our daily working, no matter how high the payment is, because cheerfulness would buoy up our work-teams and blah blah blah(I don't know what "recognized social dignity" means-_-|||). Did you intend to say "raise our positions in the hierarchy"? Whatever you tried to say, try to make it clearer so that fools like me would be able to comprehend without much effect:-p)

Admittedly, we can not(cannot) survive without money in mordern society. Money is needed to satisfy people either physical(ly) or psychological(ly) (you cannot use an adjective to describe a verb) demand.(Money is a necessity to fulfill our both material and spiritual demand.) People can have (we usually say "lead a ... life", so it should be "People can lead a life with higher standards") higher standard life, like having delicious dinners at a decent restaurant at times, purchasing some up-dated fashionable goods, or even having a fabulous party on a chatered yacht. However, does this kind of life make us realy happy? To me, it is not indeed.

I always oppose the opinion to write an balance paragraph like that, because I don't think it's necessary, and one may screw it up once he has done a bad job. BUT, if you have enough time and you think you can control it well, a paragraph like this is welcomed.

Say, what makes you passion for?(Remember, an essay asked to write in TOEFL is absolutely formulated one, so you should always state your reason crystal clear at the beginning of the paragraph. The first sentence is not where you can play little tricks. (but you may do it sometimes later, HA!)) I have to acknowledge that a job, which offers me real happiness, is my power resou(r)ce. If I got a chance to do what I am interested in, I would try my best(try one's best = strive) to undertake it and give out all my enthusiasm. I enjoy the feeling that something is really attractive and I would like to devote myself (wholeheartedly) (use adverbs wisely:-p)to it. For example, I faced two job chances when I started job hunting after my graduation from college,("," ==> ".") one is related to my subject, to be a teacher in middle shcool, which I can develop myself thoroughly;(";" ==> ",") while another("another" ==> "the other") is to be a translator in a foreign company. After a long hesitation(Too chinglish. You can say "Having hesitated for a long time"), I decided to choose the job which can bring me ardour but not money. Three years working experience let me believe that I made a(the) right decision. I still exert my whole vigor to the job eveyday and even weekends. I enjoy the feeling (when I am) with students, which(which is vague. use "because it") keeps me younger and delight. I do would like to exert my vigor to the education.(This sentence is redundant. Delete it.)

Good example but with some grammar mistakes. It's still a very good paragraph, though. Keep working like that!

Self-recognition is another aspect of happiness. Nobody would ascribe a wealthy man who runs a casino to a successful man, though he can earn tons of money every day. A large mount of money makes people indulgent but not happy. In concrast (In contrast with) high salary, happy with job could aquire respect and acknowledgement easily. Like me as a teacher, I (am) always proud of (the fact) that I can bring my students sort of knowledge and leading them to enjoy them life smooothly.(This sentence is seriously ill-structured, please re-write it. Pay attention to verb tense and word-references.) In turn, students' respects and smily faces encourage me to continue my teacher career. Furthermore, as we known, teacher is the one of the most valuable jobs among whole society. Everyone would reward(reward? like giving tons of bucks? Jee, don't you scare me.) their teachers in their whole life, even including those wealthy people.

From what has been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that (even though) money is one of the most indispensable parts of our lives, however, money is not all, (", however, money is not all." ==> ", it does not represent everything we want in the world.") (It is) only happiness, passion and self-recognition (that) can let us understand there are something more significant(valuable) inside our physical ideology.


ALL IN ALL:

I think your ability of writing essays is relatively good. Nevertheless, you are making grammar mistakes every now and then. I assume it is due to the ways of thinking you used while you were composing. Try to use the native-speakers' way.

Besides, some words in the essay were not appropriately placed, which means you may need to change some of them to more comprehensible and more accessible ones.

Let's look at the bright side. You have definitely completed what the task asked--using specific examples to support your idea, which is rarely seen among Chinese students. GOOD JOB!

An essay like this earns a score of 4.

iamaeromouseUID：2330228

豆豆辛苦了,对我帮助很大
豆兄请一定要去哈佛阿!!!

豆豆～UID：2378384

啊？是只有去了才能见到你吗？？orz.....

iamaeromouseUID：2330228

.......

不用那么远..11.3那天在南大抓耳挠腮痛苦的写作文的那个就是我..orz

总结
1:注意规避语法错误
2:多看原版英文
3:注意文章架构