【独立写作】 同题作文写作之【版主点评】

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一楼：点评标准
二楼：文章目录
三楼：具体文章点评

一切点评，回归OG:
因此，一楼的内容给OG，

How essays are scored?
Prerequisite: Do not write just to be writing; write to respond to the topic.

写作不仅仅是敲键盘，看着字数统计琢磨还要憋出多少话，谨记，写作时，有着回归题目，自行检查的意识。

Three principles:

Development
Development is the amount and kinds of support (examples, details, reasons) for your ideas that you present in your essay.
Uses a lot of words but fails to develop any real ideas;

发展任何论点，都回归内心的想要表达的观点。你的观点是什么，就应该选择什么样的写作纹路。

Organization
Be aware that just using transition words such as first or second does not guarantee that your essay is organized. The points you make must all relate to the topic of the essay and to the main idea you are presenting in response.

组织任何文章，都认真理理你的论据与论点如何搭配。不是用形式上的first, second, third...就可以说明逻辑清晰，框架清楚。

Language

不多说。只一句，输出大于输入，不，应该是，输出大大地大于输入。

多说一句，这里的点评，虽是针对某位版友的文章，不妨仔细看看，借他山之石，臻攻玉之境。

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沙发，留作点评目录。

1.  Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Two persons cannot be friends if one is richer than the other.   3楼

2.  Some people believe that people should follow their ambitious dreams and goals even they are not realistic, others believe that people should focus on achieving realistic goals .  15楼

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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Two persons cannot be friends if one is richer than the other.

Recently, a controversial issue that has given rise to much debate is whether rich people could be friends with poor people. Now it seems that the rich always buy the luxury, go to the grand leisure places and have a high level life which give people an illusion that they cannot communicate with the poor, so won’t have friendship. Yet from my angle, I cling to an unshakable belief that there is true friendship between the rich and the poor.

First and foremost, the true friendship has nothing to do with wealth. Friendship derive from the appreciation, understanding and support between the two people. Generally, individuals who have the same hobby, same goal or same value will establish the friendship. They enjoy the hobby, pursue their goal and achieve their dream together. Gradually and eventually, the friendship between them is deeper and deeper. When they confront puzzles, they talk to each other; when they had to make decisions, they ask the other’s opinions; when they have achievements, they share the happiness with their friends. And all above are have little relation with money. I can think of no better illustration than the example of my best friend Chen Xinyao and me. I am a student from rural, and my parents are all famers. My friend Chen growing up in a wealth family, her parents are all merchants. However, we all love learning English, so we learn English together and practice oral English daily. So we become friends. And she always gives me little gifts, helps me to some housework. We cherish each other very much.

Also, every one has their own career and different development. If the one of the two friends has succeeded in career, he\she will become wealth. But the friendship between the two people won’t change. A case in point is that my mother and her friend are classmate in high school. After graduated, my mother went home did farm works, but her friend become a university student. Now her friend is a CFO in a multinational corporation. But during the decade, they always contact with each other, sometime they went to their high school together and they all feel happy. So I insist that the true friendship won’t be changed by money.
Granted, I concede that the rich may have a totally different life with the poor. But the friendship focuses more on spiritual than on the money. As long as two people appreciate each other, the gigantic wealth gap would not work.

Having considered all the arguments above, I reinforce my stand point that the rich can make friends with the poor. The true friendship has nothing to do with wealth.

版主点评:
1.Stand point:
回答了题目的问题：
Yet from my angle, I cling to an unshakable belief that there is true friendship between the rich and the poor.
无论贫富，两人只要有共同兴趣、目标、或者价值观，就可以建立一段友谊。

2. Organization
总论点：穷人和富人之间存在真正的友谊。
分论点一：无论贫富，两人只要有共同兴趣、目标、或者价值观，就可以建立一段友谊。
分论点二：每个人有各自的事业和不同的发展。
让步段：承认贫富世界的生活不同。

点评：作者的分论点一是很好的，说明友谊的基础是“志同”。 但是分论点二的问题很明显，没有阐明分论点二和总论点的直接关系。

建议：分论点二可以化作让步段的一个部分：即使经济差异可能是两个人的生活各有不同，但是这种不同不是鸿沟，而是互补。双方都可以了解到更多不同的文化和生活风格等等。

3. Development:
--分论点一 观点发展较好：用了排比句，以及一个具体例子。
--分论点二 观点发展不充分：所举的例子说服力不够。因为作者在举例时，只是说了我的妈妈和她的同学即使在后来的发展中各不相同，但是仍然是很好的朋友。并没有说为什么。
-- 让步段  发展薄弱。 建议和分论点二合并。

建议：作者可以这样充实分论点二：例如， 虽然妈妈是务农，而她的朋友在公司里工作，生活方式有很大变化，但是两个人总是能在不同的领域找到同样的兴趣。 务农的妈妈可以从朋友那了解多变的市场需求，而她的朋友，也可以从妈妈那获得大量的农村生产信息。这样，就能很好的发展论点，把例子具体化。 希望能抛砖引玉。

4. Language
句子连接问题：两个独立的句子不能用逗号连接，要么用句号，要么用连词，否则会造成run-on sentence.

The的用法： 特指冠词，慎用。一般来说，在前文没有涉及过某一般名词时。都用一般冠词 a.

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月明日暗 发表于 2013-1-26 21:46
哎 我要是晚几天考就好了。斑竹点评是我梦寐以求的~哈哈。

现在也可以各种讨论呀！！

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sodapeng 发表于 2013-1-27 00:00
辛苦辛苦。。来晚了赞赞赞！！！

谢谢啦~~

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kantong 发表于 2013-1-27 00:33
好形式，好内容。好好学习，天天进步一点点。

多谢版主们的努力和支持！！

感谢，感恩！

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秋雨荆州 发表于 2013-2-2 20:59
0201 Some people believe that people should follow their ambitious dreams and goals even they are n ...

赞赞赞

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Do you agree: people who cannot accept criticism will not succeed in a team.

In my opinion, the most important principle of teamwork is that accept criticisms from the partners, friends and elders.

The reason why someone not accept criticism I think is overconfidence. Napoleon, who once ruled the Europe, won an empire. There was no one can be compared with him at that time. However, French army suffered the worst campaign ever since Napoleon became the emperor in Waterloo, and it also symbolized the collapse of the Napoleon Empire. He was overconfident after won over 40 victories, so that he didn’t accept any advises of change his strategy to prepare for the cruel weather in Russia. It not means the confidence is harmful, useless, what I mean is control your confidence, make it become the strongest power of success.

In another way, you might be desired to find a brand new solution of the problem. Everyone talks about their own life experience when they are judging on your work or your team. He is not perfect, but you always can learn something from him. My dad is a successful businessman, at least in my eyes. He guided me going out from under when I was really disappointed to myself. He properly just used to judge others, to force others change something he isn’t satisfied with. When I still live at home, I would hear over 10 times judging per day. At first, I could not accept anything, and I felt it is very annoying. Whereas one day, which I cannot remember the exact date, I was in trouble of choose a topic for my speech. In the morning, my dad started judging on my uniform, suddenly, I got something. Why not just show my dad to classmates? The habit is awful. As long as you used to something annoying, then it will not be so hard to bear.

If someone cannot accept the criticism, you had better choose another person as your partner.


版主点评：
立场： 基本明确。 但是有一个重点这位版友忽略了:team. 在文章中，版友的第二个论点基本上忽视了题目中这个关键词。
发展：
关于论点一：关于拿破仑这个例子，举得很好。
关于论点二：这位板油应该把例子的展开和论点密切联系起来，感觉例子有点偏。

语言：
语言繁复：He is not perfect, but you always can learn something from him. 显得啰嗦。 没有必要专门说他完不完美，只需要说明，他总能提出一些不一样的点子这样的句子就可以。
句子衔接有问题：
Why not just show my dad to classmates? The habit is awful. 这两个句子没有任何联系。

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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? To make children to perform well at school, parents should limit the hours that a child spends on watching TV. Use specific reasons to support your answer.
ID: 薛定谔的喵


In the huge explosion of media, more and more people including the ages, the adults even the children choose watching TV as their part-time entertainment. However, to(for) the children who don’t perform well at school, things are not that easy (What’s the meaning of “that easy”, sort of Chinglish ). TV often becomes( Grammar mistake, gradually becomes) the arch-criminal when parents criticize the terrible grades of their children. But in my opinion, watching TV has nothing negative to do with children’s performance at school. (Stand point) There are two reasons I will expound below.

First of all, children can learn various kinds of extracurricular knowledge during the progress in (of) enjoying the programs on television. Though,(deleted) in school children can learn much basic knowledge, such as math, science and literary, these kinds of knowledge are always vapidity (vapid) and abstract which can’t draw children’s attention to them. Oppositely, when children are watching TV, they are able to come into contact with interesting and picturesque knowledge without heavy pressure in school. This way of learning can help children to learn faster and remember longer. For example, when a child read an article which describes about elephant’s behaviors, it is hard for he or she to image (imagine) what such behaviors look like. However, if parents let child watch a short documentary film about elephants, that problem will be solved. That is why even in some modern school, TV is used as an educational tool. That is to say, watching TV is a way of learning. There is no reason for parents to limit the time that children spend on learning on TV.


Secondly,as far as I am concerned, building right sense of time for children is more important than simply limiting the hours they spend on TV. T(; t)hat is to say, children have rights to decide their own life, and parents can only give advises (advice [Un]) but(not the) limitations about their children. If parents only simply and roughly decrease the time their children’s (deleted) TV time, on one hand, it may cut off an efficient way for children to learn. (,)On the other hand, if one day children lose this kind of limitation from their parents, they may feel confused about arranging their lives without right sense of time which has huge damage for their school performance. To conclude, parents had better give some advice (too abstract) instead of limiting their children’s TV time.

Based on the reasons above, in order to help learn more (knowledge) and set up good sense of time, it is wise for parents not to limit hours that children spend on TV.

点评：
1. Stand point: 明确，粉色部分
2. Organization:
总论点： 看电视不会对孩子产生学习方面的消极影响，故，没有必要限制孩子看电视的时间；
分论点一： 看电视可以提供一个更快更好的学习平台；
分论点二： 建立良好的时间观念比单纯限制孩子时间好。

以上论点独立来看都是好论点，但是从逻辑上看，衔接得比较差。 电视除了扮演一个学习平台的同时，同样也充斥着不必要的电视垃圾； 建立良好的时间观念本身是没有问题，可是，不限制孩子的电视时间就能培养他的时间观念？ 这说不通吧？ 作者在第二个论点处多次强调give some advice, 可是，具体的建议是些什么，也并不明白。 所以，个人认为，作者在树立总论点的时候，没有必要下一个断言说电视没有学习方面的消极影响，而可以跳过这个点，来分类讨论，对于年纪比较小的孩子，要限制时间； 对于年纪比较大的孩子，自身也有一定的判断和自律，就大可不必限制他的时间，以免产生更严重的逆反行为。

3. Development:
分论点一： 发展较好。说明电视和课本的区别，并以大象举例子；
分论点二： 发展不足。作者并没有具体说明时间观念的培养中”不限制电视时间”的积极作用，而只是模糊说，父母管的话，孩子以后不知道怎么管理自己。可是这是一个很薄弱的论点。 父母作为孩子的引导者，如果不做限制和教育，那非常影响一个孩子未来对于事情的判断。

4. Language:
具体的修改都标注在括号里面，参见橘色部分。
这里说两点，一是标点符号。 在英文写作中，只要你的整个句子还未完成，要学会用分号；慎用句号。
            二是词形变化。这方面要多积累，动词，形容词，名词形式注意不要混淆。

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One of your classmates needs help with some schoolwork. Which solution would you recommend your classmate should do: to ask you for help or to find a professional tutor for help. Include reasons and details to in your response.

ID: frozensmile

We all have experienced such situation that whether I should help my friends to solve some tough problems (which I get a solution)(deleted) or just reject him and convince him to find a tutor. For me, I will be very pleasure (pleased) to help my friends to surmount serious problems (tackle his troubles, or figure out his questions) whenever I know how to do.

Some skeptics may claim that a tutor may possess appropriate way of teaching, while we may waste precious time (on teaching)(deleted) since be(our) lack of an(the) ability to teach. [If some essential dominances of friends are considered, such as we are the one(s) who know(s) (deleted) their friends best (Know best what? The topic is about homework, not about private affair) and will give them the most suitable solution, a teaching by us should be efficient.] (Your expression is sort of fragmented, I cannot see your fluency in your writing/ Revised: But if they are my best friends, it will be another case. We study together and discuss all puzzles, which make me well know their thinking patterns. Therefore, I might use much less time to make my friends solve their questions than those unfamiliar tutors do.)

Admittedly (Also), teaching is not only good for beneficiary but also good for benefactor. During a process of teaching we can enhance ourselves’ knowledge. Since by teaching our friends,we must review it and have to convey it in an accurate way which likes a process of double check (good point!). In the double check process ( process of double check), some potential defeats( too abstract, you might use “other problems”) that can hardly be observed in daily life will be exposed and it helps us to recover these defeats by discussing with our friends together. Hence, due to benefit for each other (mutual benefits) , I will help my friends to solve problems.

In addition, helping friends enable us to learn (know) each other deeper that can(and to) consolidate the friendships. Obviously, it is inevitable to have a complicated and insightful debate when we (are) teaching our friends. The positive debate provides a rare opportunity to know our friends. When I was a student, for instance, I was always discussing with some classmates for some difficult problems. Although sometimes the debate (some contents)  might be offended, we knew each other better and I established a firm friendship with my classmates. Thus, helping others will consolidate friendship.

All in all, for helping our friends can help ourselves in return and consolidate friendship with other, it is justifiable for us to help our friends.

版主点评：
紫色：删除
粉色：Stand point
橘色：替换
[括号内]为整句替换

Organization:
三个论点都比较明确，较有力的支撑了立场。
1. 助教不了解好朋友的思考习惯，在解决问题上可能没有自己去帮助有效率；
2. 帮助朋友的同时，复习并消化所学知识；
3. 增进友谊；

标准五段式，从组织上没有什么问题~

Development:
1. 论点一： 好朋友比助教能更快找到最容易理解的解题方式； 作者本身态度明确，但是在段落论述中忽视了“Homework"这个重点词，所以整个段落有点不明不白，也没有具体的例子来支撑这个观点。
2. 论点二： 帮助别人时同时温习知识。 论点本身是到位的，但是第二段的连接词没用对，用了Admittedly,这是个让步段的词，用错了影响较大。 同样的，你可以三两句说一个例子，比如你在帮助同学解决数学问题，发现新的知识点，的呢过的呢过。
3. 论点三：增进友谊。 有例子，这段的发展不错。

Language:
注意用词准确，如 surmount 越过，战胜 多用于接obstacle/ difficulties，一般不接problems.  再如lack of 短语中lack 是名词

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4.5 同主题版主点评
紫色：删除
粉色：Stand point
橘色：替换
蓝色：增加
红色：点评
[括号内]为整句替换


版友ID： 乳虎

Do you agree of disagree with the following statement? In order to succeed, you should be more like others than be different from others

When it comes to the issue whether we should be more like others than be different from others to succeed, some people claim that the people who copy others make less mistakes, in my opinion, however, it is crucial to differ us from others to succeed [if we want success]

In the first place, in such a society full of fierce competition, only those people with innovation can survive, while those guys who copy others would fail. In fact, innovation is the most important capital for success. Consumers becomes more and more innovation-oriented, who want to better goods and service. Technology Technologies and business mode modes change so fast that the followers (What's the meaning of followers? What kind? )can not survive at all. For example, Jobs, the founder of Apple company, is the example of innovation. Jobs succeeds hunting billions of consumers across the world because his strong ability of innovation. The quality of Iphone is the highest in the world.(Tell more about innovation, not only quality) If Jobs only follow other companies and make similar mobile phone, it is impossible for him to succeed in competition and revolutionize the life of every people.

In the second place, the people with strong personality is (are) more popular than those persons who look like others, so the former is more likely to build good relationship with coworkers and succeed. In modern society, interpersonal relationship is a important factor that influence the efficiency of everyone. Those guys with good interpersonal relationship can address any challenge in work. A survey conducted by a Harvard Professor reveals that a series factors influence the possibility for a person to build harmony interpersonal relationship in workplace, such as outlook, behavior norm, education ect, in which the most important one is personality. Those persons who behave in special ways (how do special lifestyles connect with personality? illustrate more)  always attract a lot of followers to work with them, and people feel comfortable to work with them. On the contrary, those people who like following others and copying others always fail to inspire others and unite others, they are so boring that it is a nightmare to work with them. (You need a specific example to prove your point, to behave differently means to have a good relationship? )

Take all above factors into consideration, it is natural to conclude that in order to succeed, we should try to differ ourselves to(from) others rather than make us similar to others.

Organization:
两个论点较明确；
1. 创新助力成功；
2. 性格独立助力人际关系；

从组织上没有什么问题~

Development:
1. 论点一： 作者找到Jobs的例子，本身是没有问题，但是发展单薄，仅仅举了质量好这个例子，但是乔布斯的创新很少被提及；
2. 论点二： 我猜作者的大意应该是独立人格吸引朋友，但是这个论点没有展开论述，只有结论性语言，说服力较弱。