Argument9 新人第一贴，希望大家不吝赐教！

cactus_gUID：171393

The suggestion that Omega University should abrogate the teaching evaluation sounds correctly at first glance. However, the author failed to give us enough evidence to support the assumption that the student’s scores are really inflated and that the low job hunting rate is really affected by the evaluation system. Therefore, taking that advice will be a premature action.[最后一句不要我觉得更好]

The assumption that the risen[rise] of the scores of Omega University's students is because of the evaluation system is dubious enough.[这一句的表述不太好，可以试试用be related to 或 attribute to] Overall scores can be affected by many factors, such as the risen average quality of the graduates[students] in these[recent] years, the advancement of Omega University’s teaching performance[the enhancement of the teaching quality,the improvement of the quality of the faculty], and the lower standard of students’evaluation system[我觉得有些点展开来比用such as更能说的具体有力，比如这个lower是跟谁比，只有说明是在跟自己比的情况下才可以拿来用], , for example, the easier tests for students. Without ruling out all the other possibilities, the sentence ‘Since that time …have risen by thirty percent’ cannot be an efficient evidence of the author’s assumption.[总体来说这段阐述了影响score的其他可能原因]

The author cited the potential employers’ judgments to buttress that the students’ scores are inflated, but he didn't show the detail of these judgments. Who are these POTENTIAl employers? Maybe they are just a group of people who never employ anyone and have no experience of evaluating a person? Did these potential employers know the Omega University’s students well? Or did they just know the scores and did unwarranted assumptions as the author did? What are the intents of the employers’ thoughts? Is that true that they really thought the scores were inflated? [这里的提问感觉有些牵强]The author’s simplified estimation failed to answer all these questions, so the conclusion about the inflation of the students’ scores is dubious at best. [其实这一段你依然是想证明score是否真的inflated，我觉得这段可以简化一些，和上一段合并起来进行攻击]


Furthermore, there is no direct connection between the evaluation of professors and the low job getting rate. In common sense, we all know that the market of the society is the most effective factor to influence the rate of getting work. So, it is possible to be a result of a depression of the society that the students of Omega University weren’t successful in getting jobs. Or perhaps the specialties of these years’ graduates are not immediately needed by the market. In addition, there is another possibility that most of the graduates of Omega University decided to get further educations, thus fewer students get jobs than before. Since all the factors can lead to superficial failures at getting jobs, the connection between evaluation system and the low rate of job hunting is undermined.

Finally, to compare the employment of two different universities’ students merely to support the author’s conclusion is a dubious action. A comparison must be done under a comparable condition. The diversity of these two universities made this condition disappear. For instance, maybe the graduate subjects of these two universities are totally different. So, if the Alpha University’s alumnae are graduated in subjects as law, medical, business… and the Omega University’s students are graduated in subjects as geology, bibliography, archaeology… The graduates from Alpha will apparently easier to get jobs. Even if the diversities are ruled out, there is another question need the author to answer, which is whether the Alpha University uses a similar evaluation system. Failed to do so, the author cannot attribute the lower rate to the evaluation of teachers.[在这段里，你想阐述两所学校的不同，说了科目专业问题，其实和上一段有所重复，都可以归为市场的需求，我觉得这里你可以在说一下两所学校的实力差距，或是学生个人的能力等原因，来避开这一点。]


In sum, there is no essential and efficient evidence to reinforce the author’s conclusion. To support the author’s assumption, more direct and specific information are needed. Otherwise, I cannot stand with the author’s conclusion.
[总的来说，改驳的地方都驳了，如果是我的话，我会再阐述一下evaluation 对
教学带来的好处。还有就是句型的应用上不是很正规。关于这片argument的段
落处理，我想我会这样写1.其他因素导致学生分数提高；2. 关于两所学校的对
比的他因，是否是evaluation导致的. 3我们不能忽略evaluation system 给我们带
来可能的benefits.
在论证顺序的把握问题上，我也感到比较头痛，如何在能让整篇argument的逻
辑性更强仍然值得探讨。
不过你第二篇可以写到这样，比偶强多了^^

以上是我的一些看法，仅供参考：）希望以后可以互改作文，共同努力！]

cactus_gUID：171393

句型的问题一开始偶也很头痛的说……我觉得就是多看看范文，还有其他自己觉得比较好的句子，在自己写的时候主动的去用，时间长了可能就顺其自然的写出来了，词汇也是一样，这两方面我做的也不好，虽然argument主要是论证过程是思想，但最起码也得把道理表述明白－－＃
一起努力吧！

p.s. 8.24 bejing=======deadline可以的话互相修改作文吧，共同努力：）