issue135 While most of the environmental problems we face r

sdc1980818UID: 123625

这是我以前写的一篇issue，自认为算可以的一篇比较典型的issue，请斧正。
135"While most of the environmental problems we face result from the use of technology, society must depend upon technology to find solutions to these problems."
Byproduct of environmental problems that brought
Position: not all problem can be solved by tech, what we should do is to keep balance of human being and environment. Eradicate the source, and prevent it before it has happen, not after it has happened and make remedy.
1/ Once tech has made bale for environment, tech should take responsibility to it and remedy it.
2/ Many things can?t be controlled by technology, thus with applying tech, environment should be taken into consideration.
3/ the best way for solving environmental problems is keep balance between human and environment
4/ Even those problems that are not caused by tech, also we should take steps to solve it. Not play a part of by-stander.
It has become a global problem that environment has unremittingly been deteriorating with the fast developing technology. More and more concerned by people since it has seriously influenced our life and caused many health problems. Proposals of remedying environment have been rendered to agenda and many steps, which are executing and to be perform, are being complemented or enacted. If people had known the condition that we are living today before they began to use fruit of brier taking rose, we might be living in a harmonious nature and enjoying balmy air and warm sunshine, not chillness and torridity, dryness and inundation.

Myopic it is for people who applied technology and ignored its jeopardize toward environment and fool for people who accepted these technology product for a transient comfort and fostered those desperadoes latently. In order to cater need of convenience of eating, merchandisers sell large quantity of plastic dinner buckets, which can't be decomposed in a short time but take a long time and cause pollution. With the purpose of high profit, factories disregard health of civilian discharging liquid waste to rivers, which causes death of thousands upon thousands fish. What a tragedy statement nowadays is: with the severe damaged zoology, numerous species dye each day, drinking water is no longer as clear as it had been, what's more, when we breath smelly air intensely irritates us. Static of increasing cancer patients and many other kinds of diseases are warning us if we don't take actions of salvaging environment where we are living, soon will human being be extinct.

It is sad that until the day when so much loss is suffered from, we begin to realize importance of environment generally though many experts in the past had pointed this point. While facing the austere conditions, there is no choice but turn to technology, which is the criminal source of environmental source. Surrogates that make little side-effect on environment should be researched and developed to replace the former one. There is a apotheosis provided for us to imitate: in the past, it is Freon, which causes holes ozonosphere, used in refrigerator; while recognize it's jeopardize, new agents have replaced it. Meanwhile some other delicate machines for assaying have been provided to prevent further pollution, with assistant of legislation and supervision, it is possible that pollution brought by technology can be controlled under minimize.

It is a long process for us to create a relationship of harmony between nature and human being as nature has been seriously hurt by us. Though it is absurd for people to have environment demolished first and then rebuild it as a party cast down another one with the cost of devastation of a country and then reconstructs it. Nature is more complicate than a country and once has been destroyed no matter what advanced technology there is, a long period for its rehabilitation is inevitable. The lesson should be learned that to avoid further damage environment with technology, people should think more carefully before launching the fruit of technology. Meanwhile, authority should also take responsibility of maintaining a benign environment and stoping technology which may endanger environment problems. Less time and energy need to be spent and more dramatize effect on environment is presents, if work has been done in prevention not remedy.

All of us wish to be hale, all of us wish to brace a brighter tomorrow, each of us prefers a clean environment to the most advanced technology that has been provided. Now that it is so, we should obey the principle of environment first and technology second, and technology should dominated by environment so that we will not be killed by slave of us of technology.

paisleyUID: 64183

好长啊，你用了多久写的呢？我建议你在写的时候不要借助任何单词工具，只凭头脑中所有的东西，否则考场上会发挥的非常不好的。最好时间也能控制一下。

建议你每段开头都能有个中心句，老于很提倡的，老美喜欢看思路清晰，简单易懂的东西。

另外，建议你把句子缩短些。因为你的长句是按中国人的思路组合起来，借助and等连词的，而不是靠真正的从句连接，这样容易把评卷人饶晕了。

还有就是我建议不要用GRE单词，我们背过他们的意思，但是完全不熟悉他们的用法和精确的含义，最好不要冒险。用一两个露一手就很好拉！


其他都挺好的。具体见下面（我没有把所有不够完善的地方都指出来，我改的地方也不一定全对，仅供参考）

135"While most of the environmental problems we face result from the use of technology, society must depend upon technology to find solutions to these problems."

Byproduct of environmental problems that brought Position(着句话不能独立成句啊): not all problem（少了s） can be solved by tech, （此处应是句号）what we should do is to keep balance of（最好用between） human being and （最好加个the）environment. （eradicate这样的动词开头使得句子不完整了）Eradicate the source, and prevent it before it has happen（应该是before it happens）, not after it has happened and make remedy.
1/ Once tech has made bale for（用to更好吧？我不肯定） environment, tech should take responsibility to it and remedy it.
2/ Many things can’t be controlled by technology, thus with applying tech, environment should be taken into consideration. （在什么情况下take consideration呢？城市规划还是别的方面？）
3/ the best way for solving （to solve 比较好）environmental problems is （加个to）keep balance between human（加个s） and environment
4/ Even those problems that are not caused by tech, also we should （应该是we should also）take steps to solve it（应该是them，你前面用的是复数）. Not play a part of by-stander. （这句没有主语了，或者前面得用逗号）

It has become a global problem that environment has unremittingly been（been应该放在unremittingly前面，而且对于这个词是否用于褒义，我还不肯定） deteriorating with the fast developing technology. More and more concerned by people since it has seriously influenced our life and caused many health problems（这句也缺乏主语，什么东西more and more受到关心啊？）. Proposals of remedying environment（我觉得你remedy这个词用的太频繁了，应该避免，换个protect吧？） have been rendered to agenda and many steps, which are executing and to be perform（这个说法有点不太地道哦）, are being complemented or enacted. If people had known the condition that we are living today before they began to use fruit of brier taking rose, we might be living in a harmonious nature and enjoying balmy air and warm sunshine, not chillness and torridity, dryness and inundation. （严格说来，not后面应该跟or，不是and）

Myopic it is for people（这个用法比较奇怪，我不肯定有没有见过） who applied technology and ignored its jeopardize（这是动词啊，怎么跟在its后面？） toward environment and fool for people who accepted these technology product for a transient comfort and fostered those desperadoes latently. In order to cater need of convenience（重复了，need和convenience任择其一即可） of eating, merchandisers sell large quantity of plastic dinner buckets, which can't be decomposed in a short time but take a long time（这不是太罗嗦了么） and cause pollution. With the purpose of high profit, factories disregard health of civilian（用citizens或者residents比较好） discharging liquid waste to rivers, which causes death of thousands upon thousands fish. What a tragedy statement（这个词是“陈述”不是“现象“） nowadays is: with the severe damaged zoology（这个是“动物学”不是“动物”）, numerous species dye（应该是die，dye是染色） each day, drinking water is no longer as clear as it had been, what's more, when we breath smelly air intensely irritates us（后半句话缺乏主语）. Static of increasing cancer patients and many other kinds of diseases are warning us if we don't take actions of salvaging（to salvage比较好，但是我觉得salvage用在这里可能不是很妥当） environment where we are living, soon will human being be extinct. （这里不必用倒装的，因为前面不是否定放在最开头）

It is sad that until the day when so much loss is suffered from（一般不大这样用suffer的，直接说we have suffered so much比较好吧）, we begin to(这里倒应该用倒装,因为你是用until开头的) realize importance of environment generally(既然前面用了until,表明特定的一个时间，那么后面再用generally就不太合适) though many experts in the past had pointed(少out) this point. While facing the austere conditions, there is no choice but turn to technology, which is the criminal source of environmental source. Surrogates that make little side-effect on environment should be researched(research不能这样用) and developed to replace the former one. There is a(应该是an) apotheosis provided for us to imitate: in the past, it is Freon, which causes holes ozonosphere, used in refrigerator(这句话有点支离破碎了); while recognize it's jeopardize, new agents have replaced it. Meanwhile some other delicate machines for assaying have been provided to prevent further pollution, with assistant of legislation and supervision, it is possible that pollution brought by technology can be controlled under minimize(under后面应该跟名词或动名词).

It is a long process for us to create a relationship (正确的用法是the relationship between A and B) of harmony between nature and human being as nature has been seriously hurt by us. Though it is absurd for people to have environment demolished first and then rebuild it as a party cast down another one with the cost of devastation of a country and then reconstructs it. Nature is more complicate(应该是complicated) than a country and once (既然用and连接,应该有个it) has been destroyed no matter what advanced technology there is, a long period for its rehabilitation is inevitable. The lesson should be learned that to avoid further damage(avoid后面应该跟名词或动名词，所以应该是damaging) environment with technology, people should think more carefully before launching the fruit of technology. Meanwhile,(加个the好些) authority should also take responsibility of maintaining a benign environment and stoping(应为stopping,而且技术不能stop吧?) technology which may endanger environment problems. Less time and energy need to be spent and more dramatize effect on environment is presents, if work has been done in prevention not remedy.

All of us wish to be hale, all of us wish to brace a brighter tomorrow, each(用every较为妥当) of us prefers a clean environment to the most advanced technology that has been provided. Now that it is so( it is so很费解), we should obey the principle of environment first and technology second, and technology should dominated by environment so that we will not be killed by slave of us of technology (这个关系很复杂了,又是slave 又是us又是科技，比较晕~~).

sdc1980818UID: 123625

谢谢你这么仔细地修改我的essay，谢谢你的批评指正，谢谢
1、 "when we breath smelly air intensely irritates us,", when we breath, smelly air intensely irritates us. smelly air为后半句的主语.
2、Now that it is so( it is so很费解), we should obey the principle of environment first and technology second, and technology should dominated by environment so that we will not be killed by slave of us of technology。
each 不是更强调个体吗？如果用every好象对个体的针对性不是很强。
“so”是指上面的一句话，即：all of us wish to brace a brighter tomorrow, of us prefers a clean environment to the most advanced technology that has been provided）
slave of us of technology technology修饰slave，这句话的意思是：我们必须坚持环境第一，科技第二，这样我们不会被我们的奴隶（科技）所kill，意思就是科技只是我们的奴隶。
3、 Surrogates that make little side-effect on environment should be researched(research不能这样用) and developed to replace the former one. research 不能用在被动句里面？？
4、The lesson should be learned that to avoid further damage(avoid后面应该跟名词或动名词，所以应该是damaging) damage可以是名词，在这儿用它的名词意思应该可以就用原形吧。
5、 a relationship (正确的用法是the relationship between A and B) of harmony between nature and human being as nature has been seriously hurt by us不是等于a harmonious relationship between nature and human being as nature has been seriously hurt by us. 本来是打算变换一下句式，不知道有没有弄巧成拙。
    顺便说一下，写这篇issue的确是严重超时了，而且用了金山词霸，不过是11月份写的。上个星期就痛下决心，不再依赖word和金山词霸。结果就造成上次那个argument的局面，一旦词霸关了，word不给提示，n多语法错误。
    再次感谢你的批评指正。

paisleyUID: 64183

1。恩，这样加个逗号，就比较明白了
2。each 的问题，我也不太说的出个道道，但是凭语感说，好象each of us比较好，呵呵。还有so呢，我觉得你前面那个句子太长了，后面用so反而不是很合适，不如直接说“在这样糟糕的情况下”

3。那你可以直接说our slave， technology。。。。不过，如果是科技是奴隶，是不是有点偏激？

3。不是，什么东西应该仔细研究，这在中文里是很通顺的，但是英文里research不能用做被动，感觉很怪，虽然语法上是通顺的。 还是be studied on稍微好点（虽然也不太好）

4。哪个damage我找不到原文在那里了。如果后面跟着宾语的话，那就还得用动名词，呵呵。不然用名词形式就可以了。

其实我觉得你的观点还是挺好的，昨天忘记说了，（因为改了很久，改到后来忘掉了） 如果注意一下语言的问题，可以得高分的。一个 老师经常对我们说的诀窍就是，不要用你不熟悉的巨型。宁可稍微简单点，不要犯明显的语法错误。每天背一个巨型，背到你考试那天，足够你用出很多个漂亮的句子了，又不会错。

至于不依赖软件就有很多语法错误，没关系的，开头每个人都是这样。你每次犯的错都要记下来，下一次不可以再犯，不然等于白错了。平时一定要经常回顾以前错过的地方，包括单词和语法方面，这样进步会很快。

坚持努力，一定可以成功！

sdc1980818UID: 123625

再次，非常，very, thank you。