Issue 130&Argument 28 求拍。

hudu464UID: 2512268

ISSUE 130

How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.

Definition of a better society is highly vague and can embrace any aspect of social development. Yet, regardless of how advanced we are in technology, economy or life condition, a better society would only be shared by limited people unless long existing problems can be addressed. To examine how successful people are in raising children who can help bring about a better society, I would propose using this change-making ability as a benchmark to assess their socialization. Two critical components of change-making ability are empathy to feel motivated and the creativity to solve the problem.
Major agencies of socialization are family, school and society. Since individual parents are bound to interject their own personalities and experiences into children rearing, family effect, as primary as it is, would not be discussed to assess how "we" as a people or society raise the next generation. While the written rule of "respect each other" could be found almost in every school, our education system is not doing a decent job in cultivating empathy, which is more than respect. A dehumanized curriculum is attributable because emotional education are ignored, reducing education to mere knowing without understanding based on feeling. Environmental education, for example, is showing pictures of melting North Pole and deforestation of Amazon, in which case children are unlikely to feel the pain of global warming though it threaten their future. Children are over rationalized by a rigid knowledge-dominated subject-based curriculum at the age they have stronger emotion and sensitivity towards the world around them, resulting in their inability to empathize other people. Education is just one miniature of society. The widening disparity across social classes and countries necessitates empathy in children from different socioeconomic background to share a future.

To create a better society, children need creativity to come up with innovative solution towards problems with long history even they are motivated by empathy. Creativity, though highly valued and praised in modern society, is in lack of substantial and systematic training. At school or other social institution, children are socialized into the system's rules and regulations. Often these rules are formalized in an orientation program for new students or written in a student handbook. Most of the expectations, however, are passed informally through observation, discussion and ridicule, or more severe sanctions when rules are violated. Part of their anxiety about entering new situation is the fear of violating the rules, making faux pas and being singled out for ridicule. Learning to conform is an essential part of socialization. It is not necessarily have to happen at the jeopardy of creativity. Before conforming to established rules, regulations even thinking ways, children should be encouraged to think, explore, make mistake and learn. Their wide imagination should not be limited by adults' experiences and sophistication. Those social entrepreneurs like Muhammad Yunus who are solving big problems with simple idea share this imagination and beliefs.
An authentic better society is not a partial or exclusive. Rather, it is a better world that not only prosperous, but the prosperity is broadly distributed. In this sense, we are not as successful as we think in socializing the next generation into creating a better society. Empathy and creativity should be attached with greater importance; substantial apparatus need to be developed in formal education, mass media and other working agencies of socialization.

plukaUID: 2721764

ISSUE 130

How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society. 



Definition of a better society is highly vague and can embrace any aspect of social development. Yet, regardless of how advanced we are in technology, economy or life condition, a better society would only be shared by limited people unless long existing problems(哪些问题？貌似有些不清楚） can be addressed. To examine how successful people are in raising children who can help bring about a better society, I would propose using this（这个this指代什么？且上一句还讲到社会，突然转移到培养孩子的标准，中间略显突兀） change-making ability as a benchmark to assess their socialization. Two critical components of change-making ability are empathy to feel motivated and the creativity to solve the problem. （前面的this change-making ability指的就是这句话中的两个组成部分吗，如果是，这句话最好放到前面，让this的指代显得清楚一点）


Major agencies of socialization are family, school and society. Since individual parents（似有些奇怪，individual是单数，parents又是复数。或者去掉individual吧） are bound to interject their own personalities and experiences into children rearing, family effect, as primary as it is, would not be discussed to assess how "we" as a people or society raise the next generation.（这句话的意思是说家教并不被看做社会教育的一个成分吗？若改to assess为when assess可能更好理解）(连接词）While the written rule of "respect each other" could be found almost in every school, our education system is not doing a decent job in cultivating empathy, which is more than respect. A dehumanized curriculum is attributable because emotional education are ignored, reducing education to mere knowing without understanding based on feeling. Environmental education, for example, is showing pictures of melting North Pole and deforestation of Amazon, in which case children are unlikely to feel the pain of global warming though it threaten their future（为啥孩子就感觉不到？结论有些松散。中间可以进一步解释说，他们只展示图片却没有切身的环境考察、实地实践等等让孩子无从获得感性认识所以感觉不到）. Children are over rationalized by a rigid knowledge-dominated （and) subject-based curriculum at the age (when) they have stronger emotion and sensitivity towards the world around them, resulting in their inability to empathize other people. Education is just one miniature of society. The widening disparity across social classes and countries necessitates empathy in children from different socioeconomic background to share a future.
这一段谈的主要方面是教育没能培养起同理心。在主题句提到了家教、学校教育和社会教育（Major agencies of socialization are family, school and society），但重点论述的只有学校教育一项。家教被预先排除尚有待商榷，社会教育似乎就完全没有提啊。在T里出现就给人“下文会论述”的感觉，文中又不提，好像不完整似地。另，举例还可说得更清楚些。


（连接）To create a better society, children （still) need creativity to come up with innovative solution towards problems with long history even they are motivated by empathy. Creativity, though highly valued and praised in modern society, is in lack of substantial and systematic training.(个人有点疑惑，creativity可以做lack training的主语么？它应该是training的一部分吧。或可改用学校等做主语，论述其lack the substantial and systematic training for creativity.) At school or other social institution, children are socialized into the system's rules and regulations. Often these rules are formalized in an orientation program for new students or written in a student handbook. Most of the expectations, however, are passed informally through observation, discussion and ridicule, or more severe sanctions when rules are violated. Part of their anxiety about entering new situation is the fear of violating the rules, making faux pas and being singled out for ridicule. Learning to conform is an essential part of socialization. It is not necessarily have to happen at the jeopardy of creativity. Before conforming to established rules, regulations even thinking ways, children should be encouraged to think, explore, make mistake and learn. Their wide imagination should not be limited by adults' experiences and sophistication（前文未提及成人世故等，略突兀）. Those social entrepreneurs like Muhammad Yunus who are solving big problems with simple idea share this imagination and beliefs.
这一段貌似有点混。主题句突出creativity，两句之后重点挪到rules以及学生们的passing expectations，但消失的期盼与创造力之间的联系、规则与创造力之间的联系讲得不是很清楚。因为缺少支撑，所以后文提出“遵守规则之前要鼓励创造力”貌似有些勉强。建议把expectation一部分改为论述学生的思维僵化等，加一些例子会更有说服力。

An authentic better society is not a partial or exclusive (one). Rather, it is a better world that not only prosperous, but the prosperity is broadly distributed. In this sense, we are not as successful as we think in socializing the next generation into creating a better society. Empathy and creativity should be attached with greater importance; substantial apparatus need to be developed in formal education, mass media and other working agencies of socialization.

提出empathy和creativity这两点让一个宽泛的话题细化了，嗯~值得我学习~！论述方面，连续性还可以改进，最好能多一点例子代替宽泛的说明。
我也是新手来着，以上都是粗浅的个人之见，有不妥处多多包涵！若有拍错的也请指出。一起加油~

hudu464UID: 2512268

谢谢你。
很受用。
一起加油。

2# pluka