ISSUE48求拍。很快要考试了。希望大家帮忙

hudu464UID: 2512268

ISSUE48

"The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten."

Think of the First Industrial Revolution, one cannot escape the great inventor Watt. Think of World War II, one cannot deny the importance of Hitler. History is marked by significant events and trends, which are commonly associated with names of leaders in all realms from politics to science at that time. Famous or notorious, these few people and their biographies comprise an important dimension in the study of history. While I agreed with the lament that people's role in making history tend to be downplayed, it is the famous few with extraordinary vision and bravery who paved the way for widely-participated and thus influential revolution.
Compared to a myriad of researches focused on the famous few, people's role in making history gets less attention from historians and history teachers. Their participation and contribution for historical events, however, are too remarkable to be overlooked. Firstly, changes in all shapes, up-to-bottom reforms or bottom-up revolutions, cannot constitute significant events or trends unless they were broadly recognized and widely participated. In the past twenty years, Esperanto, an invented language which consists of parts of the several languages, is designed to help people from different countries communicate easily with each other. This attempt was not developed into a worldwide movement that could mark history of language because most people still are not informed of it, not mention to participate. Literally, every significant trend has to involve considerable number of people to parallel the definition of trend: a general and obvious movement. In every significant event, there are indispensible contributions from large groups of people. The burgeoning Great Britain, during the first industrial revolution, became world factory thanks not only to the great inventors but also to the devotion of grassroots workers. A damaged Germany after World War II would not be part of a worldwide trend of fast-growing economy without its people voluntarily lengthened work hours but ask for no extra pay. These people, as obscure as they are, participated and contributed in every significant event and should not be forgot.
Though grounded in people's recognition and participation, historical movement is initiated by the famous few. Equipped with extraordinary vision and bravery, these leaders see opportunities from what other people see crisis. Nelson Mandela is one of the famous few who exemplify how leadership could mould a historical movement like the abrogation of apartheid in South Africa. To abolish the long existing apartheid, he joined Africa National Congress – a political party aimed at fighting for racial equality and launch non-violence protest and strikes. At this stage, he demonstrated to its people that skin color should not decide one's fate in their own country and it was legitimate to stand up and fight. This process prepared the revolution with people's support and recognition. Later he remained in prison for twenty seven years, during which he never stopped fighting for not only his own freedom but also of all black people. He kept finding chances of negotiation with the authority, preparing political condition for the success of abolishing apartheid.
In her farewell speech, Hilary Clinton well addressed the relationship between significant individuals and groups of people behind them. “As human beings, we are imperfect. That’s why we need each other, to catch each other when we falter, to encourage each other when we lose heart. Some may lead, some may follow, but none of us can go it alone.”

plukaUID: 2721764

ISSUE48
"The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten."

Think of the First Industrial Revolution,  one cannot escape（M-Webster's对escape的解释（涉及此处内容的意义）：3 : to fail to be noticed or recallable by  *his name escapes me*，从例句看，应该是Watt escapes me之类的吧）the great inventor Watt. Think of World War II, one cannot deny the importance( importance着重指“本身具有重大价值、意义、影响等”，希特勒不该算有价值吧） of Hitler. History is marked by significant events and trends, which are commonly associated with names of leaders in all realms from politics to science at that time. Famous or notorious, these few people and their biographies comprise an important dimension in the study of history. While I agreed with the lament (不确定是否恰当，只觉可能有些哀伤得过头） that people's role in making history tend to be downplayed, it is the famous few with extraordinary vision and bravery who paved the way for widely-participated and thus influential revolution. （主题句）
看完全篇再回头来检查第一段，突兀之处恐怕就是Hitler和notorious。因为全篇对famus few的论述讲的都是好的方面，并没有提到坏处。在这些地方挑剔也许有吹毛求疵之嫌，然而个人比较偏好完整、一致的内容和结构~

Compared（compare做同类相比时，比较的两个事物应该是同等级的，而此处‘人民的角色’与‘许多对名人的研究’不是同类事物，或可改名人研究为 the famous few that has drawn a myriad of focuses from researches) to a myriad of researches focused on the famous few, people's role in making history gets less attention from historians and history teachers. Their participation and contribution for(to) historical events, however, are too remarkable to be overlooked. Firstly, changes in all shapes, up-to-bottom reforms or bottom-up revolutions, cannot constitute significant events or trends unless they were broadly recognized and widely participated. In the past twenty years, Esperanto, an invented language which consists of parts of the several languages, is designed to help people from different countries communicate easily with each other. This attempt was not developed into a worldwide movement that could mark history of language because most people still are not informed of it, not mention to participate. Literally, every significant trend has to involve considerable number of people to parallel(额，不太清楚这个parallel想表达什么。M-W释义：1 : to indicate analogy of  : COMPARE 2 a : to show something equal to  : MATCH  b : to correspond to 3 : to place so as to be parallel in direction with something 4 : to extend, run, or move in a direction parallel to）the definition of trend: a general and obvious movement.（连接词） In every significant event(significant出现多次，可考虑换个词，比如profound）, there are indispensible contributions from large groups of people. The burgeoning Great Britain, during the first industrial revolution, became world factory thanks not only to the great inventors but also to the devotion of grassroots workers. A damaged Germany after World War II would not be part of a worldwide trend of fast-growing economy without its people voluntarily lengthened work hours but ask(asked) for no extra pay. These people, as obscure as they are, participated and contributed in every significant event and should not be forgot. 
本段论述人民的力量影响重大事件，分trend和event两个部分，前者用世界语为例，后者提及英国和德国的崛起。各部分之间的连接还可以流畅一点。除了"Firstly,changes in all shapes..."中出现了个firstly，后面就没有再出现对应的指示词了。

(转得有点出人意料，建议加些修饰如in the meantime之类）Though grounded in people's recognition and participation, historical movement is initiated by the famous few. Equipped with extraordinary vision and bravery, these leaders see opportunities from what other people see crisis. Nelson Mandela is one of the famous few who exemplify how leadership could mould a historical movement like the abrogation of apartheid in South Africa. To abolish the long existing apartheid, he joined Africa National Congress – a political party aimed at fighting for racial equality and launch non-violence protest and strikes. At this stage, he demonstrated to its people that skin color should not decide one's fate in their own country and it was legitimate to stand up and fight. This process prepared the revolution with people's support and recognition. Later he remained in prison for twenty seven years, during which he never stopped fighting for not only his own freedom but also (that) of all black people. He kept finding chances of negotiation with the authority, preparing political condition for the success of abolishing apartheid. 

本段论述历史名人发起变革，例子是曼德拉。这个例子不错，然而可以论述得再切题一些。这里谈了太多曼德拉的个人努力，最好能再论述一下这些努力的结果以证明确实起了历史作用：唤起群众支持，最终废除种族隔离。或者至少也要把“This process prepared the revolution with people's support and recognition”放在例子的最后。另，此例虽然篇幅长，但能传达的论证却不多，并且例子后面没有加任何解释性语句。在例子和段落后面最好能加一点解释性或总结性的东西让思路更完整。

In her farewell speech, Hilary Clinton well addressed the relationship between significant individuals and groups of people behind them. “As human beings, we are imperfect. That’s why we need each other, to catch each other when we falter, to encourage each other when we lose heart. Some may lead, some may follow, but none of us can go it alone.”
全是Hilary，作者的意见呢？记住issue是让你表达自己的观点，而不是堆砌各种例子和意见。引言是很好的，但一定不能让引言盖过自己的思想。


不知道是多少字，不过感觉篇幅不算长，限时写的么？这篇的观点中规中矩，例子选得也不错，但在如何有效使用例证、最大程度让例子为主题服务方面尚可提高。全文中，个人的观点表达不算深刻，这一点是一定要提高的。ISSUE就是考个人观点陈述啊！另，全篇的连接词用得太少，也许是作者没有习惯，但连接词是非常重要的。

hudu464UID: 2512268

2# pluka

字数确实有些不够。因为限时的关系，就匆忙结尾了。
论证过程方面缺陷仍然很大。只怪自己思想不够深刻，知识也不够广和深，希望见谅了。
个人确实没有连接词的习惯。思想也是断断续续的。这方面需要加强。
另外想请教一下如果是例证最大程度的为论点服务呢？~

plukaUID: 2721764

简言之就是对照自己的观点句套成分，看例子是不是能把观点句里的重心说透。
选例子的时候都会有个方向，预计想用这个例子说明什么以及哪些例子是比较好的。一个例子里面往往包括很多方面，确定哪些方面与主题有关，哪些没有，有关的详写，无关的省略。比如曼德拉拆开来看，包括他的理想、斗争方式、入狱经历、对人们的鼓舞、促成的历史事件等各方面，每一方面拿出来都可以做单独的例子，就看侧重点。本文中，主题句给出的方向是“名人”“发起”“重大事件”，名人有了，发起和事件还不完整。
同样的，因为例子本身是客观描述，而目的是为主观观点服务，所以在举例后不宜仓促结束，最好能进一步发展观点，至少要给人“这个例子已经经过作者加工”的感觉啊~（当然，如果例子本身的倾向性非常鲜明，有时可以省掉这一项）