半天搞了篇文章出来 大家帮忙批判下啊 Argument 21

sjian1609UID: 2703568

RT，搞了半天才搞出来，希望坛子里的高人看了不吝赐教啊~

ARGUMENT21 - The following appeared in a memo from the new vice president of Sartorian, a company that manufactures men's clothing.

"Five years ago, at a time when we had difficulties in obtaining reliable supplies of high-quality wool fabric, we discontinued production of our deluxe alpaca overcoats. Now that we have a new fabric supplier, we should resume production. This coat should sell very well: since we have not offered an alpaca overcoat for five years and since our major competitor no longer makes an alpaca overcoat, there will be pent-up customer demand. Also, since the price of most types of clothing has risen in each of the past five years, customers should be willing to pay significantly higher prices for alpaca overcoats than they did five years ago, and our company profits will increase."

After five years of discontinued production of deluxe alpaca overcoats, the vice president recommends to resume their production for a new fabric supplier emerged and the seemingly great demand exists, and he predicts that the deluxe clothing will sell well and help increase the company profits. Yet, he fails to consider several situations that would undermine his own conclusion.

To begin with, the president provides no evidence that the new fabric supplier will be a reliable one and the wool fabric they supply will be high quality. If the company want to avoid the problem they faced 5 years ago, they should first find a lasting and reliable supplier.

Moreover, the major competitors’ stop in making alpaca overcoats does not necessarily mean a pent-up customer demand. Maybe they did this because of the decreased demand. And it is also possible that the local market has been occupied by other clothing manufacturers. In this way, the company will be facing a great challenge by entering the market right now. And it is not always a good choice to spend much on an uncertain business.

And just as the author indicates above, the prices of most types of clothing have risen during last 5 years, however, he pays no attention to the change of the local people’s income level. If correspondingly the income for average people decreased, they won’t have enough money to spend on expensive clothing. Not to mention the deluxe alpaca overcoats.

Finally, to sell the coats is one thing, and to make a profit is anther. They should make clear how much they should spend and the money they can get back. Without detailed information, to make a great profit is just a good will.

After all, before making the decision whether to reproduce the overcoats, the company still has a lot of things to do, for instance, to get a reliable supplier, and to make a research on the local market about the sales of alpaca overcoats.



只能写成这个样子了(300+的字数，似乎有点少)，大家给点意见，看看从哪些方面再来点提高？先谢谢了~

Maci.UID: 2731643

先建议LZ将字体改变一下，这样看着有点刺眼诶，呵呵。

rodgoodUID: 2619326

After five years of discontinued production of deluxe alpaca overcoats, the vice president recommends to resume their production for a new fabric supplier emerged and the seemingly great demand exists, and he predicts that the deluxe clothing will sell well and help increase the company profits. Yet, he fails to consider several situations that would undermine his own conclusion.


To begin with, the president provides no evidence that the new fabric supplier will be a reliable one and the wool fabric they supply will be high quality. If the company want to avoid the problem they faced 5 years ago, they should first find a lasting and reliable supplier.
个人认为这不是应该反驳的地方。以前看斑竹的修改帖说，Argument批的重点在于理由推结论的过程，而不是批理由本身。在这里，批判供应商是否仍然可靠，似乎没有多大意义。

Moreover, the major competitors’ stop in making alpaca overcoats does not necessarily mean a pent-up customer demand. Maybe they did this because of the decreased demand. And it is also possible that the local market has been occupied by other clothing manufacturers. In this way, the company will be facing a great challenge by entering the market right now. And it is not always a good choice to spend much on an uncertain business.
这里习作者的主题句是：主要竞争者不做了并不代表有潜在客户需求。第一理由是可能市场不需求了，第二理由是市场可能被其他生产者占据了。明显第二理由不能支持主题句。既然X衣服的市场能被占据，说明还是有客户需求的。
个人觉得批判的目标应该是sell well。为什么竞争者不做了？不流行了？价格高了所以没人买了？所以不能推出一定有潜在客户。而且有潜在客户也不一定推出会sell well。有其他竞争者怎么办（如习作所说）？顾客不信赖这个品牌怎么办？逻辑顺序要理出来，不要一股脑并列地就放在那里了。

And just as the author indicates above, the prices of most types of clothing have risen during last 5 years, however, he pays no attention to the change of the local people’s income level. If correspondingly the income for average people decreased, they won’t have enough money to spend on expensive clothing. Not to mention the deluxe alpaca overcoats.
这段没有主题句。如果说有的话，可能就是“If correspondingly the income for average people decreased, they won’t have enough money to spend on expensive clothing.”了。那意思是说，X衣服也不好卖了，这就和上段重复了。而且习作者已经承认X衣服能卖高价了，而这是有问题的。题目说大多数衣服涨价了，没有证据说明X衣服也涨了。并且人们都愿意出比5年前高的价钱买X衣服同样缺乏证据。所以，不能得出X衣服能卖出高价。

Finally, to sell the coats is one thing, and to make a profit is anther. They should make clear how much they should spend and the money they can get back. Without detailed information, to make a great profit is just a good will.
这里的观点和我想的一样，即批判题目中所说的卖得多+卖得贵=>利润高的推理过程。利润高不高还有许多因素制约，如原料价格（这里正好说了换供应商，原料价格怎样并没有提及），人工投入，广告宣传等等。所以习作者这里可以再深入分析分析。

After all, before making the decision whether to reproduce the overcoats, the company still has a lot of things to do, for instance, to get a reliable supplier, and to make a research on the local market about the sales of alpaca overcoats.

PS：其实我也是新手，有些观点还是可能不成熟，就算抛砖引玉吧～～～

sjian1609UID: 2703568

谢谢这位同学的修改，我都以为没人会帮我修改了，今天再来看看自己写的文章，确实需要改进的地方太多。
主要就是主题句不明显，然后分析不够深入彻底，有时候的分析还不能支持自己的论点
3# rodgood