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The development of technology has revolutionized our way of living and greatly improved our living standards.(两个our living,太单一了,去掉一个或者换个词) Though I admit that it also brings negative effects, the benefits far outweigh its drawbacks and I agree that technology helps to make people's life simpler(I admit & I agree,虽然不单一,还是累赘啊,一次性表明立场就够了,去掉一个吧 ).
First of all, various kinds of fruits of technology save us time and help us work more efficiently and accurately. With the advent of (how about:new transportation tools such as...直接一些列举,太突然)automobiles, huge vessels and airplanes, we are able to travel among distant locations with the least amount of time. Prior to the appearance of the listed inventions, to say in the horse and cage times(马和马车的时代,确定英文是这么说的?as for as i know,马车=carriage,not cage.), it took several months to go from shanghai to Beijing but now it only take more than an hour by air. So we can save a lot of time to focus on other things such as sightseeing(sightseeing?where?It is too vague.If I ride horse or sit in a carriage,I think i can enjoy beautiful landscapes as well.I know what you mean is to save more time for sightseeing in the destination of the journey,then add something to let others,like ETS,know it clearly.) or businesses issues. Thanks to the computer and access to the Internet, to find the needed information, we do not have to bury ourselves on piles of books in the library for hours(this sentence does not make sense,think about rewriting it,please. ). Instead, all we have to do is to type what(the) information we want into the computer and click on the mouse, then we get all the relevant information we need in(maybe "within" is better) a split of a second. Also, the breakthroughs in medical science has produced medicines and vaccines to cure and prevent many kinds of diseases which were once fatal and incurable in the past such as the small pox and malaria.(Good!)
Second, a wide variety (kind of weird...how about:wide range?)of machinces(spelling error,check it out by yourself) and devices liberate(good!) people from tedious and repetitive tasks and make our life more convenient and comfortable. One extraordinary example is the computer which is widely used in various kinds of ("kinds of" emerges 3 times at least,you can use"sort of" or other expressions to replace it)fields. It is applied for weather forecast, to reserve seats for trains and planes. Plus, the bank system also relies on computer.(How?can you be more specific?) Besides, all kinds of household devices such as auto-washing dishes machine, vacuum cleaner, even robots are devised to relieve(2 times, you can try:alleviate or ease) our burden of household chores. So that we can have more time to enjoy with the family(you have mentioned "we",so maybe you can say"our family").
All in all, technology make our life simpler (simpler,2nd time,"simplify our life ")and more comfortable. Though problems also exist such as violence and pornography on the Internet(??you have not mentioned anything about this point ,can you kindly remain me where does it come from?), pollution brought about by ("about"&"by"?This two words really make me confused.)the exhausts from automobiles, I'm convinced as long as we are aware of these problems(Do you mean the violence and pollution?you have not given any solution,so i guess you hope the readers to find the answers for you?I will but ETS will not. ) and try to solve them properly, we can make the best use of technology to serve our best.
词汇:挺好的,很多地方都用的很出彩,学习了。
结构:第一段好像没进入状态,有些散。第二段最好,比较完整。第三段思路是好的,就是有点摸不着头脑,过度的太快。最后一段,我知道你是要升华主题,但这个升华有点儿不著边际。真正的升华是建立在和你讨论的东西密切相关的基础之上的。那些暴力啊污染啊,文中都没有提到,突然间来这么一招,读者容易犯蒙。
逻辑:论证的时候有正面例子有反面例子,挺好的,比较全面。就是每个例子都太范范了,晃一晃就过去。建议专门针对一个例子进行深度挖掘,其他例子作为补充。详略得当,应该会更好的。 |
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