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[活动] woowoo独立写作12.15 [复制链接]

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发表于 2009-12-15 20:37:11 |显示全部楼层
Most businesspeople are motivated only by the desire of money.

I disagree with the view that most business men are motivated only by the desire of money. Indeed we can do a lot of things significant with money, and most of time we talk about money, but money don't mean anything.

Firstly, most of business people earn money because of their positions in society. Those business people drive goods and capital moving and make development of society. Then they get their salaries for life. We can see these business man everywhere, such as the boss of grocery or the laundry room near our house. These kind of businessman need money like other people.

Secondly, some business man also do something else when they accumulate amount of money. These business men help the poors or children, and some invest in education for non-profit purposes. Apparently these men are not motivated only by the desire of money, they have dreams and the catch their dreams. As we know a great many scientists are known as business men as well, such as Edison.

In sum, most of business people finish their dreams through earning money, but it's unfair to judge them that they are motivated only by money.

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发表于 2009-12-16 12:46:33 |显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 hulinlin24 于 2009-12-16 13:01 编辑

Most businesspeople are motivated only by the desire of money.

I disagree with the view that most business men are motivated only by the desire of money. Indeed we can do a lot of things significant with money, and most of time we talk about money, but money don't mean anything.(everything)

Firstly, most of business people earn money because of their positions in society. (这个表达不明确,你可以说because they are part of the society)Those business people drive goods and capital moving and make development of society. Then they get their salaries for life. We can see these business man everywhere, such as the boss of grocery or the laundry room near our house. These kind of businessman need money like other people.(理由不够充分吧)

Secondly, some business man also do something else(应该具体的说做了什么,直接说engage in charity)when they accumulate amount of money. These business men help the poors or children, and some(去掉)invest in education for non-profit purposes. Apparently these men are not motivated only by the desire of money(这句话应该换种说法了), they have dreams and the catch their dreams(chase their dreams). As we know a great many scientists are known as business men as well, such as Edison(例子要延伸来说).

In sum, most of business people finish their dreams through earning money, but it's unfair to judge them that they are motivated only by money.
字数不够,这是个硬伤,怎么说也得300,不然有理由扣分了;
而且一般文章为5段,开头结尾,中间三个理由,你这里理由明显不够,论述得也不够充分,例子也不够完整;
是不是第一次写作文啊?建议多看点作文书,收集点素材,多看看其他同学的作文,我推荐几个你去看看,黛二和半夏之北的作文都写得很好,你可以去看看
已有 1 人评分声望 收起 理由
colourwoo + 1 理由看板凳吧:)

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发表于 2009-12-17 20:27:41 |显示全部楼层
额。。。受教了。确实是第一次。
涕零感谢!我的努力就是对你辛苦修改的最大回报!

另外,我还是没搞明白作文我和谁一组,我应该给谁改?虽然我这个水平比较烂的说。。但是尽我可能在内容和思想上给些建议吧

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RE: woowoo独立写作12.15 [修改]

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